


Fear and Loathing in Rosewood, PA

by EmSulley



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2018-08-25
Packaged: 2018-09-07 23:54:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 107,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8821303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmSulley/pseuds/EmSulley
Summary: What if Alison DiLaurentis never disappeared? How would her presence continue to affect the lives of the liars? And more importantly, how would it affect the course of history for Paige McCullers and Emily Fields? Most definitely a Paily fic but there's angst along the way





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first attempt at fanfic so I really hope you enjoy it. It's certainly been cathartic for me to write in terms of the Paily relationship.

Have you ever seen that movie Heathers? Great film, right? Deliciously dark comedy. Black as pitch. And Winona Ryder. Damn.

Emily Fields hates that movie. She hates Mean Girls too. I guess they're not so funny when you feel like your life is the third instalment of a kickass movie night trilogy.

As queen bees go, Alison DiLaurentis was right up there. Pit her against the Heathers and they wouldn't stand a chance. Queen wasp would have been more accurate. She had the whip smart tongue of a viper and the conscience of a cobra.

Cruising the halls of Rosewood High School, the eternal sea of students quietly, subconsciously, parted ways as she cut through them, a perma-smirk plastered to her face that only faltered if she came upon some unsuspecting pupil who hadn't sensed her malevolent presence quickly enough to take evasive action.

Alison DiLaurentis has squad goals. And those goals are to ensure she has the coolest of the cool kids orbiting her like satellites at all times. Trapped by her gravitational pull. Incapable of existence without being bound to hers. Of course, they still had to have a flaw. Otherwise she wouldn't be able to exploit them in the way she wanted to.

Aria Montgomery. The arty one. Give that girl a sensible outfit and she'd turn it into a Frankenstein creation within seconds. Usually involving cutlery jewellery, feathers and clashing animal print. But somehow, it worked for her.

She was just the right side of quirky to be aspirational to those without the creativity or guts to do it themselves. Her insecurity lay in her constant need not to be treated like a child. Maybe it stemmed from her stature because boy, that kid was small. Something Ali was more than happy to point out, given the opportunity. Only so much though - before building her up by including her in some of Ali's more...adult schemes.

It was brilliant, really. Play on her deepest fears then give her just enough to quench her need without making her feel she could do it alone.

Hanna Marin. In an age of thigh gaps and eating disorders, Hanna was considered overweight. And that worked just fine and dandy for Rosewood's number one conductor of lives because the blonde had zero confidence.

Which is just as well, because if Ali couldn't keep her in place, keep her terrified of stepping out from her shadow, she would maybe, just maybe, be able to shine in the way Ms DiLaurentis feared she could.

Because beneath the stretched clothes and the downcast attitude, Hanna was far prettier and far smarter than her self-appointed leader.

Spencer Hastings. On the outside, she had everything. Her intellect was unquestionable. Her beauty likewise. She was loyal and witty and well liked among her peers.

Her steely ambition was forged in a family of over-achievers who loved to apply pressure to all of the youngest Hastings' sensitive points. Of course, Ali knew this and exploited it for all she was worth. She had to. It was self-preservation, in truth. Spencer could easily usurp her if she found the confidence to stop comparing herself to her sister and be her own woman. If she was to shine a light on Ali's darkest intentions and realise they didn't have to be her own.

Then, of course, there was Emily Fields. Where to begin? How to describe the girl who, if she ever realised the power she could wield over people with a simple smile, would be unstoppable? Calling her stunning didn't do the girl justice. She was Cleopatra. She was Helen of Troy. She was the perfect mix of beauty and humility. In fact, the exact opposite of Alison DiLaurentis.

When stood together, their contrasting looks were starkly outlined. Emily - tall, raven-haired, athletic, but shy and unsure. Ali - short, blonde, soft of body but certainly not of mind. Or attitude. There was no-one more intrinsically opposed to the kind of capers Ali would get them involved in than Emily. Or who winced more as her friend cut someone down to size for the merest of perceived slights.

But it was also Emily who was most in Alison's thrall. The most intrigued by the devil with eyes of blue and the face of an angel. Because Emily hid a secret. It was a secret she had no intention of ever revealing and for that to happen she needed to be on Ali's good side. A place she was more than happy to be – though ask her to put into words why and she would have come up short.

The problem was that being in that place, beholden to Ali, left her secret exposed. Because she couldn't hide the flush of her skin when Ali looked at her a certain way. The sudden lack of oxygen she felt when Ali lent a little too close as she whispered in her ear. It all served to prove to Emily that her deepest fears about herself were true.

The secret she fought so desperately to keep couldn't be hidden when Ali laid her hand on her shoulder or smoothed her thumb across her cheek. It was then Emily's resolve to be the good girl, the daughter her parents expected her to be, evaporated like rain on a hot day. And there were plenty of those once Ali realised just exactly what Emily was hiding.

Oh the delicious irony of Emily feeling her truest self clawing its way out when she was with Ali, only to have to suppress all those other parts of herself just to keep that one thing hidden. Of course, this made Emily the easiest to control, which was good, Ali thought. If Emily ever decided to come out of the closet, her bravery would surely inspire the others to step out of their own prisons. And then...well then Alison DiLaurentis' life would fall apart. And she couldn't have that.

It was Monday morning. Ali had spent the weekend expertly controlling her little marionettes. It had been fun, for a while, before she slipped away for some real adult escapades at Hollis College. Now it was back to the everyday work of keeping all her acolytes in line.

Arriving just a few minutes before the bell – _always keep them waiting, my darlings_ – she allowed herself a smug smile as she cast her eye over the expectant quartet gathered to greet her. Look at their eager, anxious-to-please faces, she thought as she sashayed her way over to them. It really was so rewarding to see all your efforts come to fruition like this. Pride, not to mention arrogance, were not unfamiliar emotions for the blonde. Complacency, that was a new one. But it had started to creep in to her psyche.

“Morning girls,” she purred as she glided towards them. “Aria, I met this guy at the weekend who is just your type. Very mature, writes poetry. A bit too boring for me but I'll introduce you to him this weekend. If you can convince mommy and daddy dearest to let you out, that is.”

The tiny brunette nodded eagerly. No matter that she had no idea where they would be going or with whom. Just the very idea of it was thrilling to her.

“Where did you meet him Ali? I thought you were studying all the times you weren't with us,” Spencer asked.

“I don't tell you everything I do. A girl has to have some secrets,” she replied, glancing at Emily, who had the smallest frown crinkling her brow. Not noticeable to most people, but certainly to Ali, and she knew what it meant. Jealousy. This was too easy.

Emily shifted uncomfortably under her gaze, pushing the tip of her sneaker into the ground nervously. She hated that look. The knowledge behind it terrified her as much as the feelings within herself that elicited it.

Hanna broke the silence. “What did you wear Ali? Was it that new yellow top? It looks so good on you. I was thinking of trying something new in yellow since it looks so good with your colouring and we're practically the same when it comes to -”

“You and I have nothing in common when it comes to clothes, Hanna. Stick to more muted tones, trust me, you don't want to draw attention to yourself.”

Seeing Hanna's face drop, and the others awkwardly exchange glances, she quickly plastered on her fakest sincere smile. “I'm just trying to look out for you, Han. Boys will always try and take advantage of the slowest animal in the herd.”

Before she had chance to make sure her words had hit home – why wouldn't they, it was so simple to manipulate Hanna – she started to walk inside, knowing they would all be trailing behind her. Emily trudged after her. This isn't how she wanted to start her week.

In those moments over the weekend when she had been alone in her room, she had felt at peace. Throwing herself into her study, she immersed herself in fractions and facts and frozen fractals...wait, that last one was during her Disney-themed study break.

The only other time she felt truly her whole self, free, her soul suspended from the everyday, was in the pool. It was her oasis of calm, cleansing her of the sins of what it meant to be Ali's friend. And of her own mind.

Yes, she still believed what she felt was wrong. And the punishment was having to live with what she did to ensure Ali never exposed her. All the time exposing herself more to the girl with the piercing blue eyes. Yep, my life is fucked up, Emily thought as she headed to her locker.

She was just grabbing the last of her things when she heard a loud slam of body on metal followed swiftly by the clatter of books falling to the ground. No. No no no. Not again. Why was it always her.

Emily looked in dismay as she saw her worst fears confirmed. Ali was leaning over the girl on the floor who was hastily trying to gather up her belongings. The sneer was unmistakable. The glee evident in her eyes was not unexpected.

Emily swallowed hard, her eyes scrunching closed as she shut out the scene for a second, not ready to be in this moment yet. But she couldn't stay like this for as long as she needed to. Opening her eyes, she sighed heavily when she found the girl had still not managed to escape Alison's tirade of abuse.

She had no idea what had sparked this latest incident and honestly, she didn't care. Whatever it was, it would be trivial. Her gaze settled on the brunette on the floor. She was so desperate to pick up her things so she could run away that she just kept dropping them again.

She's so clumsy, thought Emily, allowing a smile to tweak the edges of her mouth. How is she like this on dry land when she's so effective in water? She felt a spasm in her chest as she watched the girl's distress.

Move, Emily. Help her. But her legs wouldn't move. No matter how she tried, protecting herself won out. She swallowed again, this time ridding her throat of the bitter taste she found there. Hating herself had become second nature but it never felt worse than it did right now.

Than it did any time Alison DiLaurentis set her laser sights on Paige McCullers.


	2. Chapter 2

Paige McCullers was...challenged in the friend department. She was crippled by a character trait combo of arrogance and self-loathing. Sounds like a dichotomy, right? You'd be correct. But it all depended on the social situation. Put Paige in a pool and she would dominate. If she wasn't swimming for Rosewood, people would still call her a shark. The girl knew had to swim and she did it with a steely determination that made her a predator in the water.

Locking on to the target of success, her peripheral vision was completely erased as she tore through the water in pursuit of her goal. She hunted opponents down with the scent of blood in her nostrils and the thrum of victory pounding in her ears. Shark by name, shark by nature.

It was the same with hockey. Give that girl a stick and she was a woman possessed. Soccer too. She always felt like she could lose herself in sport, like all she had to do was achieve. If she could just do that, she'd be ok. All those things she hated about herself would be pushed to the edges like waves of water left in her wake. They'd fade away at the edges. Blur just enough for people to only see the winner at the centre with any real clarity.

The problem was, it didn't last. Step out of the pool. Walk off the field. Cross that white line and winner turns to loser in the blink of an eye. Without the arrogance of success to wear as a cloak, Paige was exposed.

It's not like she hadn't tried. McCullers was a trier but God sure as hell didn't like this one. She'd try to deploy some of that arrogance to school life outside athletic confines but without her achievements to prop her up, it all fell flat. Hollow. She came across as deluded, as if she believed she was popular and just had to make everyone else believe it as well. In truth she was terrified inside.

Because Paige had a secret too. It was a secret that she hid even from herself and it ensured she was never really whole unless suspended in the sparkling blue of the pool, weightless, free of the drag of uncertainty and loneliness.

But it was there. A seed. An idea. A possibility. All it needed was attention. Love.

To be coaxed out and allowed to grow. For green shoots to stretch through her and whisper of hope and longing. Belonging.

But Paige couldn't, wouldn't listen to the hushed voices of nature growing within her. _Swim away._

So on dry land, she slipped effortlessly back into the shell of her own making. It fit like a glove, forged over years of fear – of the unknown and the known – to protect her from the outside world. From the awkwardness she felt when she tried to make friends or contribute in class. Hell, even just walking down the halls without -

“Watch where you're going, Pigskin!”

_Alison. No. No no no. Not again. Why was it always her? Of all the people I could bump into._

Paige dropped to her knees, trying to avoid the eyes twinkling with vicious glee that burned into her skull. Quickly she started to gather up her books. _Chem, calculus, history, physics. Jeez, Paige why did you have to take physics? This book is so damn big I – okay, focus dammit!_

Every time she felt like she'd got a handle on the books, they slipped from her grasp. She felt like she was trying to wrestle jello into a bowl with her bare hands. _Focus._

“Can you believe this klutz? She needs to learn to stay in her own lane. The one with the nerds and the losers,” Alison sneered, looking to Hanna for acknowledgement.

The blonde nodded weakly, before turning her head away from Ali, sadness evident in her eyes as she wondered what would happen next. _Just breathe. This will be over soon. Don't say anything, don't draw attention to yourself. Remember you're the weakest one of the herd. God knows you can't run as fast as Spence..._

She turned back, watching as Ali leaned down to whisper in Paige's ear. Surely she's not finally being nice, Hanna wondered. No - she hoped. She wished. She dreamt beyond all reasonable expectations.

She was wrong, of course.

The hackles on the back of Paige's neck rose the instant she felt Ali's breath whispering through her hair, seeking out her ear, seeping into her brain. “I will end you, Pigskin. These are my halls and I really don't want to see them infested with rats.”

With that she stood, smiling, smoothing out her skirt and patting down her hair. _Perfect, Ali. Now check on the troops._ Hanna was chewing her nails – hungry again, unbelievable. Aria was pretending to be texting someone. Spencer was absent-mindedly thumbing through her book on Greek mythology. She was always distracted by education when she stepped through the doors of Rosewood High. Still, Ali thought, at least it kept her from plotting. Spencer loved strategising and Ali didn't want to be the one waiting for a Trojan horse to clip-clop on in and bring her little army to its knees.

And Emily. Of course she could always count on Emily. She glanced across the corridor but for once wasn't comforted by what she saw. A hint of a smile? On Ali, in this situation, it would mean delight at yet another McCullers fuck up. But Emily didn't have that capacity for unpleasantness. No, this was something else entirely and it was gone almost as soon as it came.

But Ali noticed.

She noticed how Emily fought to regain her composure. How she swallowed hard. How she closed her eyes ever so slightly too long. This was...intriguing. _Let's see, Em. Let's see._

Raising her voice, Alison said: “Roll up everybody, come and look at Paige McClown over here. Her act is just top notch, it comes so naturally to her.”

On it went. Paige, trapped, desperate to escape, now surrounded by cackling students whose laughter masked fear. Relief. _It's not me._ With each new insult, Ali carefully watched Emily's reaction. The tension in her jaw. The twitch in her knees as if she was about to stride over to the dark little vignette being played out before class.

Still she stayed in the audience. Certainly not appreciative. Not captivated. _Captive._

Ali eyed her with suspicion. This was new. Ali only liked new things when they were boys with money or shiny objects that adorned her pale neck. She most certainly did not like new when it came to her friends.

It wasn't bad, but it needed to stop. Really, she would be doing Em a favour, she reasoned. Look at her. Tortured. Conflicted. About Pigskin! God, that girl and her lost causes. She'd be crying over poor Loser Mona next. No, Ali had to help her. Remind her of her standing in this school. Of what had she had to lose if she continued to exhibit this kind of behaviour.

Just pull those reins a little tighter on her prize filly.

She knew what she had to do. It's not like it would be unpleasant. Emily was, after all, nothing if not beautiful. Flawless, really. In looks anyway. Ali had done it before. In fact it had been one of her crowning moments.

_She leant back on the stacks. God it was unpleasant in here. She hated the smell of books. They reeked of the past and Ali was all about the future. Bright and fabulous and achievable no matter the cost or consequences._

_She looked down at the book in her hands. Great Expectations. She definitely had those. She expected loyalty. She expected attention. She expected control._

_Things were looking good on all fronts for Alison DiLaurentis. She'd assembled her little group of wannabes – never-would-bes, she smirked to herself – and now all she needed was a few little extra nudges to ensure they were hers for good. Spencer, Aria and Hanna had been brought into line pretty quickly once she'd identified their weak spots. She knew they flinched at some of her antics, but she also knew they were too invested in this life they'd been handed to ever challenge her._

_But Emily was tricky. She was just so inherently good. Ali had started to think she would never fit into the group. She couldn't see her standing for the way Ali loved to play with people._

_What Ali hadn't bargained for was that Emily had the biggest secret of all – and that meant she had the most to lose. It started off as a seed planted in Ali's mind by a look from Emily that held her own just a tiny bit too long. It was fed and watered by the way her eyes shifted to Ali's lips when they exchanged late night tales of who did what to whom. What grew was not green and natural and hopeful. Weeds do not bloom. They take root everywhere, insidious, their tendrils reaching out and choking all in their path._

_And so it was with Ali's realisation that Emily had a crush on her. It was exactly the advantage she'd been waiting for._

_Now, listening to Emily chat away in the library, sitting so close to her, eyes bright and wide, Ali was secretly circling her prey. Waiting for the moment to -_

“ _That's why I love you. You're big on happy endings.”_

_Ali watched, fascinated, as all the air left Emily's lungs. It was amazing, really. Such power to wield over another person. What a thrill._ Perfect timing, _she congratulated herself._

_She pushed on._ Get this done, Ali. _I guess books aren't so bad after all. One passage of Great Expectations read aloud and Emily was casting off her fear and leaning in to kiss her._

_Her lips were warm. Soft. Nice._

_Alison DiLaurentis doesn't do nice. Not unless there's something in it for her. And there most definitely was where Emily Fields was concerned._

Ali smiled as she walked away from Paige, who had finally managed to gather up her things and was attempting to push her way through the crowd.

This wouldn't be hard. It's not like Pigskin had anything to offer Emily, she thought as she glided regally down the hall while the bell rang. No, not hard at all. Play this right – _I always do –_ and Emily would once again be in her thrall. Or at least, too afraid to pretend she's not.

Ali didn't care which it was. The end result was the same. _I win._

 


	3. Chapter 3

The cafeteria was a hive of activity. Like a microcosm of the school's hierarchy, there were no-go zones, tables unofficially reserved for certain groups. For Alison and her crew, their spot was in prime position right in the centre of the action. Ali liked to be able to see everything that was happening. She scanned the cafeteria, taking it all in. The sly glances of those who shouldn't be sharing them. The tension on the faces of those close to breaking point. The shifty demeanour of those gathered on the edges, exchanging cash for god knows what. Alison drank it all in. This was her currency. What she needed to survive at the top. Every person in there had the potential to keep Ali exactly where she wanted to be. They just didn't realise it.

Ali returned her gaze to the girls. This morning had been...unsettling. But she wasn't knocked off her stride for long. There was a plan for every occasion and today was no different. It had been fun toying with Pigskin earlier but now she needed to regroup, give the threads of her web a little vibration. Check everyone was still present and correct. Of course, she was keeping a particularly close eye on one Emily Fields. Her reaction had been worrying but Ali was never one to stop believing in her own particularly unique gifts. Now it was time to activate charming Ali. Smooth those bruises with a kiss.

She looked over at Hanna, who was picking at a pasta salad. “Y'know Han, you should really ditch those carbs.”

Hanna looked up nervously. _Urgh, where's she going with this. More animal metaphors?_

“It's all about the protein,” Ali said, leaning in to Hanna conspiratorially. Leaning _over_ Emily to do so, grazing the girl's forearm as she did so. “It'll keep you fuller for longer, I promise. And there's plenty of good fats. I'll send you some website links.”

Hanna perked up, like a puppy that had been desperate for attention and had finally been petted. She really could do with some help, she hated not being able to wear the fashion she wanted to. Hated shopping in the baggy clothes section. Food had always been inextricably linked to emotions for her. If she was sad, she ate. If she was celebrating, she ate. If she was nervous...well you get the idea. Pretty much the only time she didn't eat was when she was hungry. Because she rarely was anymore.

Ali pressed on. “And I'm sure Em here can help you out too,” she said, casually running her hand lightly along Emily's arm. “Our little athlete is a superstar. I'm sure she's talented in so many areas we don't even know about,” she purred, smirking in Emily's direction.

Emily immediately felt her body blush on every inch of her exposed skin. _Am I going crazy or was that...innuendo? God I hope the others didn't notice._

Emily ran her fingers through her hair in a futile attempt to compose herself. It was crazy how Ali could make her feel like that with just a few words and she was dumbfounded as to explain why. The blonde was beautiful, of course. Stereotypically, Emily supposed. Charismatic, for sure, but that certainly didn't manifest itself in a pleasant persona most of the time. Her eyes were the bluest Emily had ever seen, but what they held didn't help Emily understand her feelings any better. Some days they were light and sparkling, as clear as the sky and just as full of potential. Other times, they were dark, foreboding, speaking of schemes and games that held no fun for those involved. Mostly, Emily's body just reacted to her in a way that was totally unexpected and she had no control over it. She sometimes felt like a stranger in her own skin. Betrayed, even. Other times, it felt like the most natural thing in the world to feel like this around Alison.

She knew the other girl was more than aware of what she did to Emily. But what the swimmer couldn't fathom was why she went out of her way to make her feel that way. Was Ali interested in something other than friendship? She certainly seemed to be sometimes. Like that time in the library when Emily threw all logical thought out the window and kissed her. She'd definitely kissed her back. Hadn't she? As time had worn on, and with just the odd flirtation since, Emily's memory of that afternoon had begun to falter. But today...today Ali seemed to be particularly attentive and she couldn't put her finger on what had changed.

She looked at the girl next to her. Normally she tried not to dwell too long on her features but this time she sat and pondered the conundrum that was Alison DiLaurentis. Sweetness and light. Bitter and twisted. Or somewhere in between? Emily sighed internally as she watched Ali deep in conversation with Spencer about some test the taller girl had coming up. She was talking animatedly about a new study method she'd been trying and was offering to teach Spencer.

“Are you insane? You want me to stop drinking coffee while I study?! That's like asking me not to breathe, Ali.”

“Spencer I promise, it works. It's all about recreating the same exam conditions at home. And you can't be mainlining red eyes in the classroom.”

“Forget it Ali, I'd rather get an A minus than give up my caffeine fix,” Spencer grumbled.

Hanna rolled her eyes. “Jeez Spence, arrogant much?”

“I'm not arrogant, Hanna, I'm just focused. I have to be what with the Hastings name to uphold. Anyway, I need to go. The coffee cart is calling my name,” she said with a wink, before gathering up her books and heading out. Quick espresso hit and she'd spend the rest of lunch cramming in the library. Anything Melissa Hastings could do...well little sister Spencer was expected to do just as well.

Once she'd left from her position opposite Emily, it gave her a better view across the cafeteria. Her eyes casually drifted across the room until she settled on a lone diner at a table in the corner, her back to the wall. Emily couldn't see her face, shrouded as it was by the auburn hair that fell in waves around it. But it didn't matter. She knew who was hiding and she knew why and god, the guilt hit her again which such force it took her breath away.

She always eats alone, Emily thought. If she just had someone to talk to, someone in her corner, I wouldn't feel so bad. _Nice, Emily. Way to make this all about you._ If only she'd done something. Stepped in and told Ali to back off. She was such a coward. Turning away, she looked again at Ali, who was studying her with fascination. Emily shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She didn't like to be the centre of attention. Even when she was swimming, she had to filter everything else out and pretend there was no-one watching or she just couldn't perform.

“Is everything okay, Ali?”

“Oh I'm fine, Em. Just enjoying the view,” she said with a twinkle in her eye. Again Emily flushed beetroot, glancing quickly at Hanna and Aria to see if they'd heard but they were busy drooling over the latest fashions in their already well-thumbed magazine.

“Where were you just now? You seemed so far away from me,” Ali purred.

“I...errr...I was just thinking about swim practice. We've got a big meet coming up soon and I really want that anchor spot in the relay.”

Ali placed her hand on Emily's cheek and turned the girl fully toward her, locking eyes intensely. “There's no way you won't get that spot, Em. You're the star of the team. I believe in you.”

Emily felt like her whole body was on fire. The inferno started at her cheek, Ali's soft hand resting there so gently, before quickly consuming all of her like a forest ablaze.

She cast her eyes downwards, her own hands in her lap suddenly so fascinating.

“Well...I...I don't know about that. I mean Paige is just as good as me if not -”

“Please,” Ali interrupted, removing her hand and shaking her head violently. “As if Pigskin can hold a candle to you. She's a nobody.”

And just like that Ali's icy voice doused the flame in Emily, extinguishing the heat that had threatened to make her pass out. She shivered.

“Are you cold, Em? Are you coming down with something?”

Ali reached forward to lay her hand on Emily's forehead but she was already standing to leave. “No, no, I'm good. I just need to get to class early, I need to speak to Mr Jenkins before he starts.”

Ali watched intently as the lithe figure of Emily Fields bolted from the cafeteria. _Well she's definitely still interested. Poor girl was a puddle just now. But she seems...conflicted._

Ali looked in Paige's direction. It was hard to believe that of all the people at Rosewood High, it would be this loser who would start to make Emily question her loyalty to Ali. And that was the case, Ali was sure now. She'd seen the forlorn look Fields had cast at her fellow swimmer. Emily Fields, patron saint of lost causes. The irony of her being in love with me, Ali thought. _She's such a tragedy. But she's my tragedy. And I won't give her up._

* * *

Emily had been sitting alone in the classroom for ten minutes. She'd felt like she couldn't breathe, sitting next to Ali. Put her in a race and she could go without oxygen for stroke after stroke but this was a different proposition altogether. Just when she felt like she was getting a handle on the real Ali, the demon within popped up out of nowhere. _Why does she hate Paige so much? Or does she just hate everyone who isn't her friend?_

She was pulled out of her own head by the sound of students filing in. She stiffened, scanning the room for one face in particular. _Please show up._

Just as Mr Jenkins was about to close the door, Paige cannoned through the gap and made a beeline for her seat at the back of the class. Emily let out a breath. _Okay good, at least she's not skipping class._ She looked up and tried to catch her eye, maybe throw a smile her way, but again her head was down. Her hair was like a defensive shield, repelling any potential interaction.

Emily hadn't seen her this withdrawn before. Sure, Ali had picked on her plenty of times. But she'd done that to pretty much every kid in their class. Something was different now. Paige is a trier, Emily thought. Obviously that was crystallised most in the pool but Emily had seen how hard she'd tried to make friends. Problem was, she was full of bravado. In and out of the pool. And out of the pool it just didn't cut it. Emily smiled inside as she remembered the gifts she'd handed out to the swim team, trying to win them over. _Dorky but...sweet._

Now though...it was like Paige wasn't trying anymore. Maybe she just needed to get over this morning, Emily hoped. _Yeah, that's it. It's still raw. She'll be fine. I certainly don't need to be worrying about her. I bet she'll be back to her annoyingly cocky self at swim practice._

Emily, pacified by her own conscience, nodded her head briefly and tuned in to the lesson. What she didn't realise was that her brain was telling her just exactly what she wanted to hear. And her brain was very, very wrong.

* * *

As the bell rang for the end of last period, Emily began packing her bags up quickly, hoping to catch Paige outside on the way to swim practice. She knew she passed by her Spanish classroom on the way to the pool so she lingered outside the door, fighting the tide of students anxious to get out the doors and into the freedom of the outside world.

Several minutes passed and there was still no sign of Paige. _Damn, she's as fast in the halls as she is in the pool. This better not be a sign of things to come in the time trials or I can kiss anchor goodbye._

Emily took one last look then turned on her heels and sped towards practice. The last thing she needed was to be late. Bursting through the doors she stopped in her tracks when she saw Paige already changed and finishing up at her locker. She had a decision to make. Thankfully, conflicted as she was, it was a much easier one to make than the one she had been confronted with earlier that day. _Ali can't see me._

Striding forward with a confidence she certainly didn't feel, Emily opened her locker two down from Paige's and glanced at the other girl. “Hey Paige!” she said brightly.

Nothing. _Ooookay._

“I waited for you outside my Spanish class, I figured we could walk together.”

Paige finally looked over from her efforts to stuff her belongings inside her locker.

“Why?”

“I'm sorry?”

“Why did you want to walk with me?”

It wasn't the response Emily had anticipated. Or hoped for. _Dammit, McCullers._

“I just thought, y'know, we're teammates, we're going in the same direction, y'know, to the pool...” Emily could hear herself rambling. This was going south far too quickly.

She was pulled out of her spiralling thoughts by the sound of a locker being slammed angrily shut. Paige turned to face her, ramrod straight.

“That didn't seem to matter too much to you this morning, Fields.”

Her eyes bored straight into Emily's. And if Emily had looked closer, past the anger she could see so easily, she would have seen the fear.

Something else too. Something even deeper down. Something Paige was barely even aware of.

A plea.

 


	4. Chapter 4

Spencer Hastings loved two things. Winning and coffee. The latter was pretty self-explanatory. She needed caffeine to survive, it was as simple as that. Winning was something else. A compulsion. A need so ingrained in who she was that if you asked her just to give it her best shot, her glare would wither you like a too-long-on-the vine grape.

Competition coloured every aspect of the younger Hastings' life. Competition to beat Melissa's academic achievements. Competition on the field hockey team – against her opponents and those on the same side. Competition for her parents' affection. That one always proved the toughest task facing the tall, willowy girl but her delicate-looking body belied a steely determination intellectually and academically.

It was why she'd always butted heads with Paige McCullers. Not in the same way as Ali, of course. In fact, Spencer could never really understand why Ali hated Paige so much. Sure they clashed sometimes in soccer but nothing major. At least not that Spencer knew of.

As for herself, Spencer knew Paige was clever. Maybe she could even challenge her for valedictorian if she put her mind to it. Instead, swimming seemed to take away her edge academically. It consumed her, Spencer mused. It was odd, really. McCullers was nothing if not calm when she was at a swim meet. Sure, she tore up the opposition in the pool but it was a...serene demolition. All controlled aggression. The exact opposite of the way she was when she picked up a hockey stick. Spencer smiled ruefully at the thought. She had to hand it to McCullers, she was a hell of a player. When they played together for the school, their midfield partnership was the axis on which their success was built. It was practice where things could get a little heated. Spencer was used to being both the immoveable object and the unstoppable force, but McCullers was equally determined to take one of those mantels for herself. At the end of practice sessions they would trudge off the pitch, bruised, muddy, but with a mutual respect only acknowledged with a nod in each other's direction.

In another life, Spencer wondered, would we be friends? We have a lot in common. She gives me an edge and everyone needs one of those. Or are we just too alike? _I guess I'll never get the chance to find out with the way Ali feels about her._ Spencer shifted uncomfortably on the floor. _When was it that I allowed Ali to start controlling my life?_ She could be charming and helpful and good fun when she felt like it but lately her outbursts at others seemed to have increased. And as they did, so did Spencer's irritability.

She'd turned a blind eye to Alison's misdemeanours for a long time but it was getting harder. She knew her attacks were just words but Spencer Hastings knew better than anyone how much they could hurt. You only had to eavesdrop on one of her parental conversations to see the effect it had on her. The disappointment that threatened to crush her soul. The pressure that was close to breaking her apart. She never used to feel inadequate with the girls. In fact, she felt like the chosen one when Ali formed her inner circle. It was validation. _I must be doing something right if she's picked me._ It was still a thrill to walk the halls with the person who everyone feared. Spencer knew no-one would ever mess with Ali – and by extension, her. It was one less thing for her to worry about in a life built on the shaky foundations of performance anxiety.

Lately though...Spencer couldn't put her finger on why, but she was finding it harder to ignore Ali's actions. The other day, with Paige in the hall, Ali had thought she was busy reading. She'd kept her nose stuck in the world of Aphrodite, Hades and Zeus. That didn't mean that she didn't know exactly what was going on. Hearing what was happening to Paige, knowing this girl who was always pushing her to be better was being reduced to a bumbling mess – it was disquieting to say the least. And that bothered Spencer. _Having no conscience is so much easier. Look at Ali, she just breezes through life._ Oh what pretty little lies we tell ourselves to justify our actions. It was getting harder for Spencer to believe them.

She looked up from her position on the floor in the Hastings' great room. The gang was all there and the study session was in full swing. Aria sat chewing her pen, frustrated with her math homework. She'd much rather be writing one of her short stories. Mostly personal, Spencer thought with an internal eye-roll. Hanna had her headphones in and was head-bopping along to her music while flicking through a copy of Vogue. Emily was sprawled out on her stomach, legs bent at the knee and idly swinging back and forth as she finished up an English paper. And Ali. Ali was the only one sat on a chair. She looked like the queen on her throne, surveying her subjects from on high. _Anyone would think this is her house_. At that moment, Ali glanced up from her novel and caught Spencer's eye, arching an eyebrow in question. Spencer smiled curtly. Ali put the book down and gently stroked Emily's hair to get her attention. The dark-haired girl immediately looked up, her face open and attentive. Spencer frowned. _What the hell was that?_

“Shall we get some snacks for everybody, Em?”

_Yep. She's definitely acting like she owns the place._

“Oh yeah, sure. Let's do it.” Emily jumped to her feet and followed Ali behind the island and into the kitchen area. They began to place cookies on a plate and pour glasses of milk for everyone. Ali made sure her hand lingered just a little longer whenever it brushed against Emily's. To stand just a little bit closer than normal. Spencer, who could be just as observant as Ali, but had perfected the art of appearing oblivious, noticed it all. She saw the way Emily blushed. The lascivious smile on Ali's lips. The eyes that locked together in something unspoken. _Oh no, Em._

Spencer felt a pang of guilt. She had been the one to introduce Emily to Ali back when they were freshman. She'd gotten to know the swimmer through their joint love of athletic endeavours. Emily was beautiful, kind, a real sweetheart. As Spencer got to know both her and Ali better, her love for Emily grew in time with her resentment of Alison. She'd often thought Emily would just leave the group, so big was her heart and so vast her sense of fair play. But she never did. It was the biggest conundrum to ever be attempted by Spencer's brain, and her normally faithful intellect failed her. Maybe now though...maybe now she was seeing what had kept Emily tied to them all this time.

She watched as the girls placed the milk and cookies down on the coffee table, resolving to put this behaviour right at the top of her watchlist.

Hanna tore out her headphones and reached for a cookie.

“You sure you wanna do that, Han? A moment on the lips...remember that saying?”

Hanna sat back, crestfallen. “A lifetime on the hips. Yeah I remember.”

“And you've already got enough lives on yours to be a cat,” Ali said, grinning as she took a big bite of the warm chocolate chip cookie.

Spencer saw Emily stiffen, paling slightly at the words. _Does she feel it too?_

Spencer slammed shut her book, narrowing her eyes. “I don't know about you guys but I'm pretty tired.”

“Really Spencer? It's only 9.30,” said Ali.

“Yeah really. I'm done.”

Ali stared at her coldly, enough to make Spencer pull her cardigan tighter around her shoulders.

“Fine, if you want to be a 12-year-old. Em, walk me home?”

“Sure, yeah!” _There it was again. That blush. Dammit._

Spencer watched as the two of them said their goodbyes and left. She looked across at Hanna and Aria as they packed up their things, mumbling to themselves out of earshot.

“Guys, you don't have to rush. I'm not timing you.”

Hanna and Aria looked at each other and relaxed.

“What's up with you two anyway?”

Aria looked at Hanna, who looked away frowing. _Thanks Han, pull your signature move on me._

Aria said: “Well we just saw how harsh you were with Ali and...well...that's pretty unusual so we figured you must be really tired and...”

“...we just didn't want you turning on us, okay Spence?” blurted out the blonde.

“Hanna!”

“What Aria? It's the truth. I have enough of that with Ali, I'm not gonna take it from her too.”

“Guys, come on!” Spencer was incredulous. “Is that really what you think?”

Hanna's head fell and her shoulders hunched as if protecting herself.

Aria stood up and walked over to sit next to Spencer on the floor. Her huge eyes always made her seem so childlike but in this moment, the innocence that it normally conveyed was gone.

“Spence, did you see what happened this morning? With..with Paige?”

Spencer swallowed hard. Was this a trap? Had Ali set this up to catch her in a betrayal? She studied Aria's face. She was such a poor liar but Spencer could spot no sign of deception.

“Yes.” Her voice came out smaller than it had ever been. “You mean...you did too?”

Hanna looked up. “We all did. But we all just pretended we didn't. Even Emily.”

Spencer looked from Aria to Hanna, the weight of this secret they'd been carrying so evident. Why hadn't she seen it before? There was an expectancy in the air. Air that suddenly felt lacking in oxygen to Spencer as she started to suffocate under their gaze.

She knew they were waiting for her to be...what? Strong? To be Take Charge Spencer? No. No she couldn't be that person right now.

She stood up abruptly. “Look, we all know what Ali's like. It's not like anyone has anything other than a bruised ego. Paige McCullers is a big girl, she can take care of herself. I've got the scars to prove it.”

Even as she spoke the words she felt the blood draining from her face. The shame of what she was saying took hold, choking her from the inside. _But this is the only way._

Hanna stood now. The worried expression was back and she chewed at her bottom lip. “Yeah...yeah, you're right Spence,” she said, with far less conviction that the words implied. “I mean, she says stuff to me all the time and I'm still ok.”

She attempted a smile and quickly rubbed Spencer's arm as if trying to pacify her. _Is she...scared of me too? Or scared I'll tell Ali? God, I don't know who to trust anymore._ She watched as Hanna finished packing her bag, glancing sideways at the uneaten cookies on the plate as if they taunted her.

Spencer lifted the plate towards her. “One for the road?”

Hanna smiled. “You won't tell her?” The voice was hopeful.

“Of course not, Han. Your secret's safe with me,” Spencer said, looking deep into her eyes as she did so. _All of them._

* * *

Rosewood at night wasn't magical or romantic. It was a suburban town, lit with the harshness of street lights but made dull by the monotony of daily life.

It didn't feel that way tonight to Emily Fields. Tonight it spoke of possibility and adventure and hope. She glanced to the girl on her left as they made their lazy way back to the DiLaurentis house. She wasn't exactly lit by moonlight but Alison still looked beautiful. Her hair fell loosely on her shoulders and she walked with a poise constructed on confidence. Emily knew she was staring but she couldn't help it. She could feel herself falling and it scared her and thrilled her in equal measure. Every time Ali did something to make her question her feelings she did something else to make Emily forget it had ever happened. Like now, as they approached the house and Ali quickly grabbed her hand and pulled her to the side of the building.

Emily felt herself being backed up against the house. Her breath left her body as Alison lent towards her, hands firm on her hips. Her face so close she could feel her breath. _Thank god she's breathing for me._ Emily was wide-eyed and paralysed. Fear and longing. And hope. Always hope. She stared at Ali, urging her to make her move, but the blonde just studied her like a lion does his prey. Waiting. Waiting...

...until Emily couldn't take it anymore and pushed herself from the house, crushing her lips against Ali's. She could taste her strawberry lip balm. The aftermath of the chocolate chip cookie. The sweet allure that was Ali. Her lips were soft but strong and Emily felt her knees go weak as her hand tightened in Ali's hair. _How did it get there?_

She felt her head spin as the oxygen disappeared from her body. Thank god for adrenaline, is what Emily would have thought if she had any way of engaging her brain at that moment.

Then the world suddenly rushed in with so much force that Emily staggered backwards. She was flushed all over, eyes dazed, lips bruised.

But Ali. Ali stood before her looking just as demure as before. An amused smile sat smugly on her face.

“I guess my little innocent is growing up fast. If only mummy and daddy could see you now.”

Her eyes flashed brightly in the darkness but Emily struggled to read her features. She couldn't think straight and trying to decipher Ali was next to impossible at the best of times let alone when she was punch drunk from a kiss.

Just as she was about to regain the power of speech, Alison turned and headed back to the front of the house, bounced up the stairs and was gone.

Emily collapsed back against the house and touched her fingers to her lips, shaking her head as if to knock some sense into herself.

_Holy shit._

* * *

Across town, in a house with too many rooms and nowhere near enough love, Paige McCullers sat on the edge of her bed wrapped in a towel, lost in her own thoughts. She often found herself lost. In social situations. In conversation at the dinner table - that is, when there was some. In her own mind as it twisted and turned, its tricks tying her up in knots and leaving her unfocused and bewildered.

She looked towards her bathroom. Her hands twitched at her sides. _Just once more. What harm can it do?_ Paige laughed bitterly in spite of herself. _Nice wordplay, doofus._ She looked down at her body and slowly undid the towel and let it slip from her. She stared at the intricate criss-crossed scars on her stomach. Some were vivid red, others pink, more still like snail tracks, shiny and new-looking but holding none of the promise that normally accompanies such things. The skin may be new but it betrayed the length of Paige's torment. How long does skin take to heal, to be born again like this? A week? A month? Longer than her heart. Longer than her soul.

Paige's eyes drifted down to her thighs. She had tried not to go there. It was too risky with her swimming. If someone found out – she took a breath sharply. _Come on McCullers, no-one pays attention to you anyway. Not until you beat them and by that time you're in the pool._

Someone had noticed though.

Alison DiLaurentis had spotted her legs during soccer practice and a particularly heated tackle that had led to a dressing down from the coach for the two of them. Paige hadn't given a damn. It wasn't like it was the first time. No, what she cared about was the way Ali had stared at her as they lay, limbs tangled, on the ground.

_Paige moved as quick as she could but it was a fraction too late. She saw from the sickening smile on the blonde's face that she'd seen._ Oh god, she knows. Paige, you almighty fuck up _. The colour drained from her already pale face and before she even realised she felt sick, she vomited on the sidelines._

“ _Get out of here, McCullers, you're a mess. You too, DiLaurentis. Don't bother showing up for practice again if you two can't get a handle on this vendetta or whatever it is you've got going on,” said Coach Cooper._

“ _Don't worry, coach. I'll make sure she's ok, get her some water.”_

_Paige didn't know what was happening when Ali draped an arm around her shoulder as she trudged into the locker room. Her ignorant bliss was short-lived._

_Ali turned towards her as they continued to walk, leaning over and whispering sour nothings in her ear: “I own you now...Pigskin.”_

The memory caused Paige to shiver, gently pulling the towel back around herself like a cocoon, wrapping her arms around herself in a tight hug. It was the best hug she'd had in...how long? Since she was a child? She didn't know. The memory was certainly fading. The feel of someone else's arms around her. The feeling of home. Of belonging. Of safety.

Paige hadn't felt safe since that day. Fear sat on her shoulder daily, utterances of chilling foreboding seeping their way into her ear, into her brain. She tried so hard, _so hard,_ to shut it out but it was a battle she never won. Only one thing stopped the voice.

Paige eyed her scars again. They talked to her too. Whispered in the night, when no-one else was there to hear. Right leg, just below the hip. _Freak._ Just below her belly button. _Loser._ Left side, underneath her ribcage. _Pigskin._ The chiselled gap between her abs. Straight and true, surgical precision. Befitting of its place on her perfect stomach. This was a special one. It quieted not the voice of the bullies that manifested in her head but instead it shut down Paige herself. The Paige who knew the truth of her nature. Knew why she felt so out of place in the world. Most of all, why her heart skipped a beat when she was near Emily Fields. This scar had no name. Paige wouldn't allow it.

She looked again towards her bathroom. She was weary. Weary right down to the marrow of her bones. She needed this. She needed to feel something. She couldn't allow it to be what she really wanted so this was it. _This is how it has to be._

She sighed and stood, padding softly across the room to the sterile sanctuary. She heard it calling her there. Shining, bright. Sharp. So sharp she could barely feel its first cut as it swept across her, painting in red. Always red.

Painting the beautiful horror of her pain in scarlet paths across her milky skin.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Emily fumbled for her phone, bleary eyed and dazed, knocking it to the floor in her haste to turn off her alarm. She felt like the night had gone on forever but it had brought none of the rest she so desperately needed.

Thank god it's Friday, Emily thought wryly to herself. Thank god I have to try and decipher Ali's intentions. Thank god I have swim practice in half an hour. Thank god I have to try and find time to finish that assignment I didn't get done last night because I was too busy trying not to stare at Ali. Thank god I have to try and work out what the hell is going on with McCullers.

Emily took a deep breath and let out a huge sigh. Her dark skin looked paler from lack of sleep and the bags under her eyes were prominent. She rubbed at her eyes, bloodshot and shrunken. Stretching her arms over her head and extending her limbs like a cat, she replayed the evening's events in her head. The kiss she'd shared with Alison – she'd never felt anything like that before. Sure, she'd kissed boys in the past but those kisses had always been...unsatisfactory. Unco-ordinated and sloppy, they'd made her feel like she was a bit part player in a boy's own story. Like it didn't matter who she was, she just needed to show up and act willing. There had certainly never been any sparks.

But the kiss with Ali was different. It had been passionate and intense. It had literally blown Emily's mind and she had no way of processing what had happened. She'd kissed Ali before, of course, but their brief encounter in the library had been nothing like this. Then, she felt as if it could be brushed off as just an overly affectionate moment between friends. Or rather, that's how the timid, soft kiss had been interpreted by her afterwards when she began second guessing everything she'd felt in that moment.

Last night was across the state lines and heading for the border in comparison. Emily had no idea kissing someone could feel like that. She'd seen it in movies and read about it in books but she'd felt like she was destined for soulless kisses with boys who pushed on her lips too hard, whose hands were too rough on her cheek, who reached too quickly for her body.

Emily had known for a while she liked girls. At first she thought she just hadn't kissed the right guy. _Just keep kissing the frogs, Em, and eventually one will be a prince._ She wondered if anyone else felt like that but when she listened to her friends talking about their own experiences with the opposite sex, she wondered if she'd just been extremely unlucky. Emily was often lost in her own head as she pondered these feelings she was having. It got worse as she started to notice girls with a keener sense of purpose. The way they brushed their hair after swim practice. The way their swimsuits hugged their curves. The curves themselves that had suddenly become more pronounced. She tried to convince herself that she was admiring their swimming physique or looking for tips on fashion or how to wear her hair.

It wasn't until freshman year, when she walked into Rosewood High School and came face to face with Alison DiLaurentis, that she finally gave in and stopped fighting a losing battle with herself. The blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl had taken her breath away when she'd first set eyes on her. She was poised and graceful, and seemed so much older than her tender years. There was a wisdom behind her eyes that crept to her lips as she cast a smiling gaze over Emily. Like she already knew what Emily had been able to hide from herself for years.

Actually Alison hadn't known at that moment, not quite. But it didn't take her long to figure out. Especially once Emily gave in to the inevitable.

For Emily, she felt a kind of exhilarated validation. She knew Ali was seeing the real her. Knew she sensed that Emily looked at her in a different way to the other girls. She finally felt like she had options beyond pretence. It was freeing...

...until it wasn't. Until, after the great expectations of their fleeting kiss in the library, Ali slammed shut the door. It was too late for Emily, by then, to protect her secret and she felt more exposed than ever. Ali picked at her vulnerability like a scab, teasing it away from nearly-healed skin every time she thought she'd put herself back together. A sly dig here, a pointed look there. She'd certainly never mention her admiration of Beyonce again, or let herself be caught lingering a little too long as Ali changed outfits for some party she was off to.

Now though...now things had changed again. Maybe Ali really did feel something for her. She just couldn't get a read on her in the darkness, only had her words to go on and as usual they were open to interpretation.

Emily turned to her clock, exasperated, only to jump out of bed in a frenzy.

_Shit! Swim practice. 'Gee coach, sorry I'm late, I was busy analysing last night's dalliance with my BFF who may or may not have feelings for me'. FUCK._

* * *

Emily barrelled through the doors of the natatorium at exactly 5.57am. _Three minutes to spare. This is not how you go about getting anchor, Emily._

“Emily Fields, how nice of you to join us,” Coach Fulton said loudly, as she watched one of her best swimmers try and break the world record for a quick change.

“Sorry coach, I won't let it happen again.”

Emily ripped off her clothes and stuffed them hurriedly into her locker. Luckily she'd got her suit on underneath her tracksuit, so she managed to be ready to head to the pool as coach led out her troops. Grabbing her towel she followed the herd and saw Paige just ahead of her.

She still had on her warm-up suit. Most of the girls left it in their lockers and just headed out with a towel. Some wore their jackets but it was rare to see someone still covered from head to toe as they prepared for practice.

Emily caught up to Paige and reached out to touch her arm by way of catching her attention. Paige recoiled as if burnt, her eyes wide and questioning as she looked at Emily.

“I...I'm sorry...I just...look, are you okay?”

“I'm fine. What do you want?”

“Oh well...erm...I just wondered if you were sick. You're all wrapped up.”

Paige swallowed hard. _Why the hell is she paying attention to me? Why now? This is not supposed to happen._

“I'm just trying something new. Trying to keep my muscles warmer for longer. Get an edge. Maybe you'd be thinking of that kind of stuff if you actually cared about this team.”

Paige bit hard on her own lip as the words came out. _Nice Paige, real nice._ She knew it was a bitchy thing to say but it had to be done. She couldn't have Emily interested in her well-being. It was too dangerous.

Still, however much she had wanted to succeed, the wounded expression on Emily's face caused a pain to shoot through her and she felt sick. _How the hell does Alison do it? She says way worse to people and just walks away grinning. I'm a little stern and I feel like the biggest jerk alive._

Paige lowered her head and sped up, leaving Emily to frown as she headed for the rest of the group gathered in front of the coaching staff. Nobody had questioned her commitment to swimming before. It was really the only thing in her life that she felt sure of. Being in the pool brought her such serenity. Yes, she had friends she was close to but they didn't even know who she was. Not really. And her mom and dad – well good old Pam and salt of the earth Wayne had no idea what thoughts passed through their precious daughter's head when the lights went down. Swimming, though. That was different. She didn't have to lie to the pool. As she slipped into the water, it parted in welcome, all the fear and disguise dissolving from her skin, leaving her free and alive. Reborn and baptised anew.

She'd always thought Paige felt that way too. She'd often seen the same sense of calm break over her as she stood ready on the blocks before a race. She felt...a connection to her in those moments that she didn't quite understand. Like they were kindred spirits. But maybe she'd been wrong. Just because they had the same affinity with the water didn't mean they had some kind of invisible thread linking them to one another. Paige kept making that perfectly clear.

And that was even before the heated exchange they'd had at the lockers earlier in the week. It had jolted Emily to hear the anger in Paige's voice. She'd done a great job of convincing herself Paige was coping just fine with Alison's unwanted attention. Now she was having doubts that were starting to eat away at her. Especially after Paige's response today.

What had Paige expected her to do? Jump in there like a knight in shining armour? That was crazy. Except...isn't that what she'd wanted to do? Had, in fact, almost done? But she hadn't and now here she was. Stuck. Gawking over at Paige trying to work out what was going on in her head and...how come she was still wearing that damn suit? Everyone else was about to get into the water.

Just as Emily was about to plunge in herself she saw Paige quickly shed her clothes and enter the pool as if in one motion. _Jeez, she's taking this new regime seriously. Focus Em. You want anchor remember._

Unfortunately for Emily, she didn't realise that Paige wasn't fuelled by power smoothies or protein bars that morning. It was righteous fury that sent her tearing through the pool, crashing through her own times and obliterating those of her rivals. It felt good to be back in the pool again, her senses dulled to the outside world, hearing nothing but the beat of her heart and the sound of the water breaking around her.

Well almost nothing. There was one more sound that reached Paige's ears today but it came from within. That angry, urgent hiss that stretched out from her scars, old and new, firing up the fear and self-loathing within her. That furnace never went out. Every time it died down a little, a new thin red line would show up to stoke the flames again. That hiss would remind Paige this was the one thing she was good at and she had to be the best. That she was worthless without this. That the only other way she could feel something, anything, was with a blade in her hand. The hissing wasn't telling the truth of course. There was something – somebody - that could make Paige feel. Sometimes the hissing would decide to tell the truth, remind Paige of those thoughts she had when she was alone. The thoughts she tried so desperately to ignore. The scar on her stomach stung beneath her suit. _Dirty girl._

Normally it stopped as she felt the coolness of the water take her in its arms. Not today. Today it took several laps before the hissing fizzled out. The fear that surrounded Paige with the realisation that the one thing that calmed her hadn't worked instantly made her panic briefly before she did the only thing she could – swim like her life depended on it. _Maybe it does._

* * *

For Paige, practice never lasted long enough. She was never ready to leave the sanctuary it provided her. The sense of self. Of self-worth. As good as she felt stepping into the pool, she felt just as bad getting out, the cold area rushing around her, breaking the embrace and bringing her back to harsh reality.

She always just wanted to get the hell out of there as quickly as possible once practice was done, hated to watch all those little friendship groups chattering away in the locker room, nothing more pressing to worry about than last night's episode of The Bachelor or how many calories are in a Snickers.

So it was today as she lifted herself out of the pool and, head down as usual, made a beeline for her warm-up suit. Yeah, she had that extra special reason to be in a rush today.

But she found her way blocked by Coach Fulton. And...and the other girls were standing around looking fidgety, whispering to themselves. _Crap, was I that bad?_

“McCullers, what the hell was that out there today?”

“I...er...I guess I didn't sleep too well last night and -”

“Well if that's how you swim when you're sleep deprived I can't wait to see you with eight hours under your belt,” laughed the coach, slapping Paige hard on the back.

_What the?_

“You really have no idea how you did in the time trials?”

Paige looked at her wide-eyed, almost pleading. _No, and I just need to get dressed and get out of here. Everyone's staring. They're going to see._

“Well McCullers, you just set new Sharks records in freestyle and fly. Looks like that relay anchor spot is yours.”

She immediately looked up and searched for Emily. She knew she'd wanted that spot just as much. But when her eyes found her, she didn't look disappointed. She looked concerned. Confused. And she wasn't looking back at Paige. Not at her face anyway. She was looking... _oh god, no._

“Thanks coach, but I've gotta run. I've got something I need to do before class,” she blurted out and with that Paige grabbed her towel and clothes and practically sprinted back to the locker room.

Emily shook her head to bring herself out of the daze she found herself in. She was amazed by Paige's times but that wasn't why she was rooted to the spot. Emily had been taking in her rival as she stood there dripping. Wondering where she was getting that edge from. Her eyes roaming over the outline of her biceps, the firm ridges of her abdomen, the defined muscles of her thighs. Her thighs...what was that? Something red? Or a trick of the light as it bounced off the water? No that wouldn't make sense, any reflection would surely not be red. Not...

Emily suddenly felt all the blood rush from her body at the same time as a million tiny jigsaw pieces slotted together in her head. Ali's bullying. Paige's lack of friends. Her anger when she tried to talk to her. How hard she pushed herself at training. That damn warm-up suit. The nickname.

“ _So I hear you got kicked out of soccer practice today,” Emily laughed as she sat in The Brew with Ali, sipping Americanos and feeling sophisticated and continental. Coffee always gave her too much of a buzz but Ali loved going there after school and she could hardly order a hot chocolate. How lame would that look?_

_Her laughter was soon cut off by a stare from Ali. “It was Pigskin's fault, she caused the whole thing. I won't let it happen again.”_

_Emily looked at her quizzically. She was used to Ali having mean names for people but this was a new one._

“ _Who's Pigskin?”_

“ _Paige,” Ali practically spat the word out._

“ _Paige McCullers? My Paige?”_

_Ali raised an eyebrow and Emily quickly clarified: “I mean, Paige from swim team.”_

“ _Yeah, that's her. I'm sick of her thinking she can walk all over people just because she's good at sports. It's the only thing she's good for.”_

“ _But why Pigskin?”_

_Ali grinned like the cat that got the canary. Victory was so sweet, it was like a drug. And she felt like she was going to win again and again and again with good old Paige._

“ _Cause she's got these weird bumps on her thighs. She says it's eczema but I'm like `honey, you'd better stop poking yourself below the equator'.”_

Emily felt sick. This can't be happening.

She was about to bolt for the exit herself when Coach Fulton intervened. “Fields, my office please.”

She followed, still numbed by her thoughts. Thoughts she wanted so much not to be reality. Managing to put one foot in front of the other, she gave once last glance in Paige's direction, watching as she slammed through the doors to the locker room and headed for the showers like her hair was on fire.

Taking in a shaky breath, she entered coach's office and sat down in the chair on the opposite side of her desk. She didn't even care what coach had to say, she just wanted to get out of there and start to process what she thought she'd seen.

She looked up hesitantly, hoping Fulton didn't pick up on her apprehension.

“So Emily. I understand you must be feeling pretty upset about what just happened.”

_What? I mean, I don't even know what just happened, how could she -_

“I know you've had your heart set on anchoring the relay and I left it as late as I could to make a decision.”

_Oh. OH. I'd completely forgotten about that._

“But after today's times, I made my mind up. McCullers has taken things to another level. However, I think you can get there too if you push yourself. I've got a few things in mind to help but give me the weekend to think about it and then we'll regroup Monday, ok?”

“Sure coach, that sounds great.”

Emily gathered up her things and headed to the locker room. Of course, when she got there, Paige and most of the other girls were long gone. She dropped down onto a bench and took a long, deep breath, She'd started off hoping to talk to Paige, smooth things over, but now? How on earth was she going to handle this? Whatever this was.

Gathering her wash bag, she made her way to the showers and stood, letting the warm water cascade over her in the hopes of it having the same calming effect as the pool.

Fat chance. She'd woken up with a head full of turmoil and now it was a million times worse – and it wasn't even 8am. Emily tried to focus on what she'd seen on Paige's thigh. It was tiny, but if she was right...she knew what it meant.

She thought about Paige, alone, scared, angry. It wasn't hard for Emily to put herself in Paige's shoes. She had her own secrets to keep and she knew how hard it was, always being on edge, guarded. And she didn't even have to deal with the wrath of Alison. Well, not in the same way.

As with most times she allowed her thoughts to wander to Paige McCullers, it wasn't just her struggles she settled on. It was impossible for Emily to see Paige as weak. As the loser Ali painted her as. There was far more to her than that. She thought about how driven she was. How competitive. She had been phenomenal in the pool today. She remembered how she'd looked so strong when she'd got out the pool, her taut muscles glistening with water, Emily following the drops as they drew paths down her limbs. She felt a warmth within her as she relished the memory. That familiarity again, Emily reasoned. That connection. _Yeah, swim buddies. She's on my team, I can admire her form. It's...expected even. That's right, she's on your team, Emily. So shouldn't you have her back?_

Suddenly she felt cold again. Emily had no idea how she would even go about helping her. She could barely keep her own head above water right now. Turning off the shower, she stepped back into reality with no clue as to how she was going to navigate this latest development. She just knew she had to find a way.

 

 

 

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

For both Paige and Emily, the revelations of the morning's swim practice proved problematic. Neither was able to concentrate on classes, ducking their heads to avoid eye contact with their teachers or trying – and failing – to take comprehensive notes.

Of course, neither knew just how preoccupied they were with each other and would have protested the notion if they had.

Paige was in panic mode, her fear that Emily had discovered what she was doing to herself screaming silently within her. The prospect of being confronted by her was just too much for her to handle.

Anyone finding out would be torture for her but Emily? That was too much. The shame bore down on Paige with so much weight she could hardly push herself from her chair when it was time to switch from one classroom to another. She shuffled through the halls, hunched over, eyes down, thankful for once that she didn't have friends to ask what was wrong. _That's right, McCullers, it's times like these that it's super awesome to be a loser._

Her mind drifted again to Emily. She had never seen her look at her like that before. So...full of concern. It was a look alien to Paige. She certainly never saw it from her parents. It wasn't like they were neglectful exactly, Paige had everything she ever needed. Almost everything.

She lived in a beautiful house. Too beautiful, really. She felt like she was just messing up the place whenever she was anywhere but in her room, which is where she spent most of her time. It was like a showroom, everything purchased to give just the right impression. Welcome to Chez McCullers, home of a god-fearing, all-American family with wholesome values for fine upstanding citizens.

The pool in the backyard was beautiful too but for Paige, it was like having her safe haven taken from her and re-appropriated into something completely different. Swimming was her release. Yes, she loved it and she loved winning, but for her it was so much more than that. It was who she was.

Most of her time spent in the backyard pool was anything but an oasis in her otherwise barren life. Nick McCullers was a hard task master. It wasn't enough for Paige to excel in practice, she had to show her father extra. Prove she was giving every last ounce of herself to be the best. The more he pushed, the more he started to chip away at the walls that Paige had built around swimming to protect it from the rest of her life. Inky drops of resentment splattered into the water with each rough word or harsh criticism, staining its pure blue with a darkness that threatened to contaminate it for good.

But sometimes. Sometimes Paige would shed her clothes in the middle of the night and walk down to the pool. She would sit on the edge and dip her toes lazily in the water, feeling the cool stretch along her feet, over her ankles, up her calves. The cold warmed her soul. She would let the calmness envelop her, slowly seeing the rest of her life disappearing over the horizon before plunging into the pool, drifting to the bottom and staying down there for as long as she could hold her breath. Alison, school, her parents, her fears, everything was washed away. If only she could stay there, in that noiseless place. There was no pain, no doubt. Just...existing. In truth, as she floated back up and broke through the surface gasping for that first delicious lungful of air, she knew existing was all she was doing out of water.

Those late night swims were enough to keep water her touchstone, to reclaim it from the hands of a father who tainted it every time he stepped into her domain. It was yet another battle she had to keep on fighting. And Paige McCullers was tired. With wars on all fronts, and without an army behind her, she was getting weaker. At dinner, sitting at the table large enough for eight but only ever seating three, she ate silently, occasionally looking up at her parents. Her eyes pleaded. _See me._ Instead, they passed the peas and poured the gravy and concealed their lack of interest in their daughter by questioning her on her swim times. All their transactions were business-like. _Keep getting good times and you keep your privileges. We'll stay out of your way._ Except...she didn't want them to do that. She wanted comfort. Acceptance. Someone to confide in. Above all else, Paige wanted love.

Her thoughts returned again to Emily, the girl who, she thought, was the exact opposite of her. Beautiful, popular, confident. And her parents, well they couldn't be more doting, Paige thought with a pang of jealousy. She wondered what it would be like to sit at the dinner table in the Fields house. There was sure to be laughter. _And teasing. I bet Mr Fields teases them all the time._

She wondered why Emily had seemed to be so thrown by what she'd seen. Had it really been the scars? Could she dare to hope it was something else? That would make more sense because she really couldn't see why Emily would care if she was hurting herself. She was friends with Alison, after all. She certainly didn't need Paige in her life. The thought was plain ridiculous. _Maybe this isn't so bad after all. She probably won't say a word about it. The worst person she could tell is Alison and she already knows._

The wheels turned in Paige's mind as she headed for her last class before lunch. But in the same way that Emily was often betrayed by her own mind, so Paige was too. By the time she had sat down at her desk, she had convinced herself the whole thing would blow over. She was a nobody and it wouldn't take long for Emily's attention to move elsewhere.

What she didn't realise was that one classroom over, Emily was convincing herself she had to do the exact opposite.

* * *

At first, Emily had tried to think of another reason why Paige would have those scars. Could she have caught her thigh on the edge of the pool? Slipped and cut herself somehow? Could it be eczema like she'd told Ali?

It didn't matter what scenario she came up with. This time, her heart was in sync with her head and she knew exactly what she'd seen. Waves of nausea kept sweeping over her as the implications of that knowledge settled in her stomach. Paige was in much deeper trouble than she could ever have imagined. She racked her brain for someone to tell, someone she could share the knowledge with who would relieve her of the burden and sort it all out.

But there was no-one. Paige...had no-one. The thought sent a chill through Emily's body. Yes, she didn't have a perfect life. She was lying to her friends but at least she still had some. And her mom and dad were kind and caring and always generous with hugs and I love yous. From what she'd seen of Paige's parents at swim meets, they weren't exactly the touchy feely type.

_This is down to you Em. But how the hell am I going to get her to talk about it? She can barely even look at me._

Emily knew her association with Alison would cause alarm bells to sound if she pushed too hard with Paige. It would be nearly impossible to earn her trust after what she'd seen – what she'd let – Alison do to her. Guilt broke over Emily in waves, threatening to drown her in regret. How could she have let things get this bad? Sure, she wasn't responsible for Paige, but was she responsible for Ali? Was she, a silent bystander, just as culpable? Her mouth filled with bile at the thought and she closed her eyes tight, swallowing down the realisation like a bitter pill.

She wondered when it was she'd become this person. A Heather. A mean girl. It certainly hadn't been a conscious choice. She'd always felt like she was a good friend. She listened intently when one of the girls had a problem. She was always on hand to throw pity parties when needed, providing ice-cream or a shoulder to cry on. She valued her friendships above all else.

But when she became drawn to Alison, everything changed. Hiding her sexuality had been so painful for Emily. Not because of the boys she had to kiss or the persona she'd had to wear like a second skin. No, for Emily, the hardest thing was the lies. The lies told to her parents. To her friends. She hated hiding this most basic thing about herself. It was as much a part of her as being a swimmer. Playing the role of popular straight girl was exhausting. Being able to let her guard down with Ali was thrilling and terrifying in equal measure. Each time she showed a bit more of herself, she also surrendered it to Ali, who stored the pieces of Emily as if she were assembling a butterfly collection. Clipping the wings. Boxing them in. Trapping them within their own confines. Her essence lost once she had been collected, what was left never coming close to what had been taken.

Self-preservation was Emily's number one priority. The thought of coming out...she couldn't entertain it. Her parents, well, they would be sure to freak out. They loved her, of course, but as an only child they had expectations for her that she didn't feel she could meet and she knew the disappointment would colour their feelings. Not to mention she was pretty sure her mother would think she needed to be packed off to pray away the gay at some camp in the middle of nowhere.

So it came to pass that Emily Fields found she could only entertain her feelings for girls around the one person who had the power to bring her whole life crashing down around her. _Talk about twisted. She's like a poison I can't stop myself from drinking and it's slowly killing me._

But it wasn't just killing her. The need to protect herself had left others – had left Paige – alone and vulnerable to Alison's bullying. The consequences of her actions didn't just affect her, the ripples were spreading far and wide. For Paige, the final flap of a butterfly's wings had caused a hurricane she was barely withstanding.

And she wasn't the only one. Emily allowed herself to consider her closest friends. Consider that maybe they weren't as happy as they made out to be either. Hanna was the obvious case. She was always struggling with her weight and Ali could be...well Ali could be very Ali about the way she mentioned it. Emily's mind cast back to some of the jibes she'd heard her throwing Hanna's way. She even called her Hefty Hanna, for god's sake. If Paige wasn't coping, why did she expect Hanna to be?

Emily felt like she couldn't breathe. It was as if walking through the door to a world where Paige was in so much pain had opened her eyes to everything she'd been ignoring. Hanna's eating/starving cycle. Spencer's desperation to please at all costs. Aria's need to prove she was mature and wise. But did they need her help? Did they care about what Ali was doing to other people or were they happy to do anything to please her? Secrets and lies, they were tearing her apart in ways she couldn't have imagined before today. And in the same way she didn't know how to solve the problem with Paige, she had no clue how to approach her best friends in the world about Ali's behaviour. Would they side with her? Would they betray her trust and tell Alison everything? Her life would be over then for sure as Ali would tumble all those collected secrets out into the world for all to see.

It was the most lost Emily had ever felt in her life. No-one could understand how it felt to have Ali have this hold over her. Or so she thought. Of course, Paige McCullers knew exactly what she was going through. But Emily was ignorant of that one piece of information that could have solved it all.

Instead she thought again of her mother and father and the values they had instilled in her. She thought of what they expected from her, what they treasured above all else.

_Fourteen-year-old Emily Fields sat curled up on her father's knee as he lounged on a chair on the porch. It was a hot August evening and they were satisfyingly full from another of Pam's trademark welcome home dinners to celebrate Wayne's return from deployment. The night was humming with heat and possibility, soundtracked by the gentle rhythm of the cicadas. Emily felt she was on the verge of something. Like the thrill of curling her toes around the edge of the diving board just before taking the great leap into the water. But this time it was into the unknown. She didn't know what was coming but she knew it was on its way, felt the air around her throbbing._

_She nestled her head into her father's neck, feeling the bristle from his scratchy chin on her forehead. She grinned, loving the whisper of it on her skin. Memorising the moment so she could pull it from her mind whenever she was missing him when he inevitably left once more._

_His arms pulled instinctively tighter around his daughter. Leaving was just as hard for him and he hated not being there for Emily as she got ready to start high school. He grinned to himself at how big she'd grown – it was a struggle to fit her on his lap anymore, so tall had she grown, but he was damned if it wasn't a struggle he would keep fighting._

“ _So how are you feeling about high school, Emmy?”_

_Emily was silent for a moment. Unsure how to answer._

“ _I'm excited I guess but nervous too. High school is so big and I don't know how I'll make friends.”_

_Wayne laughed, a deep laugh that shook Emily up and down on his chest and she giggled into him. That was always the way it worked with them. One would laugh and the other would immediately join in._

“ _Emily, you are smart, kind, funny and a superstar in the swimming pool. You'll make friends, you'll see.”_

“ _I hope so daddy,” Emily said, suddenly serious again._

_Wayne slowly prised his daughter from his chest and gently lifted her chin so he could look into her eyes._

“ _Emmy, you are a beautiful person. Inside and out. All you have to do is be yourself and people will see that. And I will always be proud of you.”_

Emily choked back a sob as she realised just how far she'd strayed from the person her father expected her to be. From the person she _wanted_ to be. The worry of how her parents would react to her being gay was deep and troubling but it was nothing compared to this regret and guilt.

She had been a coward. And she really wasn't sure how to stop being one. How to step up without putting herself in the firing line. And she wasn't sure she was ready to do that yet. If she did...everything would change. Spencer, Hanna and Aria - she had no idea how they would react if she went up against Ali and she didn't want to put them in a place where they needed to choose a side.

And then there was the small matter of her being gay. It was inevitable Ali would spill that juicy nugget if she started to challenge her. What would the girls think? Would they be wary around her on sleepovers? Would they even invite her to them anymore? And oh god. What about swimming? The team would surely freak about having a lesbian in their midst. Paige would for sure, she was wound so tight already.

Paige. The person that had started this whole thing. Emily had to focus. She would need to be careful. Start slow so that she didn't get skittish. And so that Emily didn't alert Ali to what she was trying to do. Which was...what exactly? Get Paige to open up? Become her friend? It's not like she'd shown any interest in that before. No matter, Emily thought. She'd just have to win her over with some of that Fields charm her dad had been so confident she had.

The bell sounded, tugging Emily from her thoughts. _Crap, I literally heard nothing of that class. Good job Mr Fitz likes the sound of his own voice so much he rarely calls on us._

She gathered up her things and headed out into the hall, not especially anxious to meet the others at lunch. Her thoughts were weighing heavily on her mind and she wasn't sure she'd be able to mask them against the intensity of Ali's focus. Plus, she still had to work out what was going on with the two of them. She couldn't shake the feeling she was being played. Just as she couldn't deny that being with Ali like that made her feel alive.

_I guess the only thing to do is jump right in and hope for the best._

* * *

Emily made her way over to their table and found Spencer, Hanna and Aria all there before her. She sat down and placed her lunch tray in front of her.

“Hey guys, what's up?”

“Nothing much. Got a big chem test later,” said Spencer.

“Well I'd wish you luck but I'm sure you don't need it,” Emily replied with a smile.

Spencer flashed a smile back. “You know it. A Hastings is always prepared. We also always pay our debts and have a standing lunch reservation at the country club.”

“I thought it was the Starks who always paid their debts?” Hanna piped up.

Spencer rolled her eyes. “No, it's the Lannisters.”

“Then why did you say it was the Hastings?”

The laughter broke out immediately and only increased as Hanna demanded to know what was so funny. Eventually she began to giggle herself, the moment just too infectious for her.

Emily looked from each one of her friends to the next. _This_. This is what high school is supposed to be about. The easy conversation. The teasing devoid of malice. The spontaneous, liberated freedom of laughter like no-one was watching. Or...like a certain someone wasn't watching, Emily thought. How often did they have these moments? Did they have them when Ali was there too? She couldn't remember. Looking at her friends' faces, open, alive, carefree, they looked so happy. So different. _I guess that answers my question._

Her eyes drifted to the far side of the cafeteria. She was in her normal spot, back turned towards the wall. _She can see who's coming that way._ The thought tore at Emily's heart. She looked again at her friends and imagined Paige sitting with them. Laughing. Teasing Hanna. Ragging on Spencer about her field hockey skills. Discussing photography with Aria. Would she even be into photography? What was her sense of humour like? Emily was ashamed to admit she knew nothing about Paige past swimming. But she knew that the moment she had just experienced, that fleeting perfect high school moment...well she wanted that for Paige just as much as she wanted to experience it again herself. She couldn't explain it, but she was as sure of that as she had been about anything else in her life.

 


	7. Chapter 7

The rest of the lunch period passed off uneventfully for the two girls. Paige remained hunched over on her side of the cafeteria, nose stuck in a book and attempting to occupy as small a space as possible.

Emily found herself relaxing more into the company of Hanna, Spencer and Aria, laughing lightly at their various tales from the morning's classes.

That was, until Ali turned up. Emily tensed, her attitude to her friend altered by the new information she now had secreted inside her. It didn't just make her aware of her own reaction though. She carefully watched how the other three interacted once Ali arrived. She'd never done that before. Observed them in this way, however surreptitiously. It had never occurred to her that they may not be as enamoured with their glorious leader as she presumed they were.

And what Emily discovered was minute, but it was there. The way Hanna started picking slowly at her food. The way Spencer's lips seemed to pinch together as if she was trying to stop herself saying something. The way Aria plastered a smile on her face that never reached her eyes. Just like that, the laughter died.

 _Maybe I'm not alone. Maybe they feel it too._ It was wonderful and terrifying all at the same time because Emily didn't have the first clue what to do with that information. Or if she was even right. She didn't have time to dwell on the thought though because Ali interrupted her analysis.

“So Aria, are you all set for tomorrow?”

“Well I've told my mom and dad I'm sleeping over at yours. And I've got an outfit all picked out.”

Ali smiled condescendingly. “I think I should be the judge of your outfit. I can't have you looking like a high school student, we want to blend in Aria.”

Aria's smile faltered but she did her best to finesse it back into place as quickly as possible.

Ali forged on. “I'll come to your house first and pick something out for you.”

Emily watched as Aria shrunk into her seat. The girl was small but Alison's power play had made her look even tinier, like a fragile bird.

Before Emily could say anything to try and lighten the mood, Ali had turned her attention fully her way.

“How was class, Em?” Her eyelashes fluttered and her features were soft and welcoming.

_How does she do that? Switch from queen bee to harmless princess in the blink of an eye?_

“Yeah, okay I guess,” Emily replied non-committally, shifting uneasily under Ali's gaze.

“Just okay? If you're struggling with some classes maybe we should have another study session? Just the two of us this time.”

Emily felt the heat grow on her cheeks. She cast a sideways glance at Spencer. Was that the hint of an eyeroll? She didn't have time to mull it over because she knew she had to give Ali an answer. Could she say no?

“I – erm – I don't know, I mean I think I've got a grip on things,” she said, trying to smile warmly.

“Well good for you. Seems you're getting a grip on a lot of things lately. Just be careful not to let go.”

Ali's eyes were ice blue and Emily felt a chill down her spine. _Em, this is not flying underneath the radar!_

“Yeah...yeah maybe you're right,” she said, quickly changing tack. “How about tonight?”

Alison smiled triumphantly. She'd thought for a moment that Emily was trying to pull away. Lord knows why, she'd done some of her best work the night before. _I'm pretty sure she felt that kiss right down to her toes._ Ali had been particularly smug about the way she'd been able to leave Emily speechless and exit stage left like a femme fatale. She didn't have many flaws when it came to the way she manipulated people and situations but pride was one of them. She'd got so good at pulling all the strings on her little puppets that complacency was kicking in. She still picked up on the little dissensions she occasionally saw in her friends. Not verbal ones of course. But physical ones, yes. Especially in Spencer. And now Emily. Ali was so sure of herself, though, that she never really believed it would amount to anything. Especially as she had succeeded in making the girls friends simply because of her. She was at the centre, like a spider on a web. If any of her acolytes vibrated a silken strand to interact with another, it had to go through Ali.

Some might have seen heading off for the night with Aria as a risk but not her. She knew Emily would probably stay home obsessing about what she was doing and who with. And really, what did Spencer and Hanna have in common? Ali laughed internally at the thought. _Those two couldn't be more different. Espresso versus cinnamon latte._ No, there was nothing to worry about tomorrow.

But first she had to get through tonight. Walk just the right line with Emily. Give her just enough to leave her wanting more without making Ali herself vulnerable.

“Tonight would be great. I'll come to you.”

Emily sighed in relief and nodded, glad to have navigated out of the choppy waters she'd found herself in but really not sure what the outlook was in this new patch of sea.

The bell sounded for the end of lunch and Emily was swept along with the other students as they filed to class. _How do I get myself into these things? I'm supposed to be finding a way out of this not get in deeper._ And the way Ali had looked at her – kind, interested, caring. Exactly the way she wanted Ali to look at her. But how could she reconcile that with the sudden appearance of the ice queen moments later? And with those aspects of her personality she was seeing more clearly now, however much she wanted to ignore them? She breathed in, attempting to cleanse herself. _Don't look away._

* * *

 

Just as with morning classes, Emily found it impossible to concentrate, even if it was a blonde who occupied her thoughts this time round. Her head was anywhere but in the classroom. Instead of solving math problems she was trying to work out how to solve a problem like Ali. What would that even look like? Did she want to somehow make her a better person? Was she even redeemable? Emily smiled ruefully at the thought. Alison DiLaurentis was not the type of girl who could be tamed. Wasn't that partly what she liked about her? Her single-mindedness. Her unpredictability. Her magnetism. It was undeniably a turn on to be around someone with so much fire. The heat was intoxicating. But there's only so close you can get to a fire before you get burnt. And Emily Fields still hadn't worked out how to stop walking into the fingers of Ali's flames.

And now she'd agreed to this stupid study date. She winced at the phrase. _It's not a date, Em. She doesn't want to date you._ How would she be able to stop herself being drawn, moth-like, to her? And if she did try and extricate herself from Ali's hold over her, how would she do it without being too obvious?

She pulled back her hair into a ponytail and dug her fingers into her brow, working at the frown that seemed to be permanently etched there these days. _I'm not cut out for this. How is it that I've learnt nothing from Ali this whole time?_ She knew she had to somehow pacify Alison and make her think she was the same doe-eyed follower she'd always been. But how? And without running the risk she would actually fall back into her old patterns? Ali was a hard person to resist if she focused her attention on you entirely. Emily knew herself well enough to know her resolve could crumble with a brush of her hand or a toss of her golden hair. That hair. The way it shone and glittered in the sunlight. How silky it felt running through her fingers when -

\- Emily dug her fingers harder into her head an attempt to physically push the thoughts from her brain. Instead she focused on Hanna. Spencer. Aria. Paige.

Paige.

As Emily mentally listed the people who were depending on her – oblivious as they may be to her plan – she found that the clearest vision, the one she kept returning to, was Paige. _That's weird. She can't stand to be near me. We're not friends._

But...she had nice hair too. It fell just below her shoulders in soft auburn waves and subtly changed colour depending on the light. _She's always pushing it behind her ear and then letting it drop round her face again. Like she can't decide whether she wants to be seen or not. Wait...how do I even know that?_

Emily considered what else she knew about Paige McCullers. Like the fact that she dipped her head when she was embarrassed so she didn't have to look the other person in the eye. How she just shoved her clothes into her locker in one big pile but always, without fail, made sure her goggles were stored in just the right way. How she always had the same pre-race ritual...and how Emily knew it by heart, too.

And thinking all this, drinking it in, Emily felt a calmness wash over her. A certainty. That she could somehow make this work. Somehow survive...and drag Paige with her. She didn't know why it was, in that moment, that Paige gave her the resolve she needed. She didn't understand how she came to know all those things about her. Or why they would make her feel so...safe. She just accepted it was what she needed.

Packing up her books at the end of school, she nurtured the feeling within her as if it were a shield. She knew she would need it later.

* * *

 

Alison sat in front of her dressing table and slowly applied her makeup in the mirror. Not too much. Understated was the look she was going for. Innocent. There was certainly no jungle red lipstick tonight. She wanted to come across as the hunted not the hunter. Let Emily come to her. _This works so much better when she thinks she's the one making the moves._ Ali rubbed her lips together and pouted, sucking in her cheeks. _Butter wouldn't melt._

Standing, she patted down her clothes and ran her hands over the curves of her waist and hips. She'd chosen black skin-tight jeans and a cream cashmere sweater with a V neck. A deep V neck. It was the one concession to temptation she was willing to make tonight. She had to give Emily at least one gentle nudge in the right direction.

Satisfied with her appearance, she grabbed her bag and headed for the door. With one last glance – and a wink – at her reflection, she was gone.

* * *

Emily was practically wearing a hole in her carpet. Backwards and forwards. Bed to desk to window seat. Window seat to desk to bed. Over and over, her steps barely keeping up with her racing mind. This was it. Show time. Yes, Emily had been hiding parts of herself. Playing the role of perfect daughter. Pretending her queer identity didn't exist. But this was different. Ali was different. She had been the one to see through her facade. To see her true nature. So it was only reasonable to assume she would know if Emily was faking it tonight.

She stood in front of her mirror and studied her outfit. Blue jeans. White vest. Red flannel button down. Pretty standard Emily Fields combination for a night of studying. But a week ago, would she have made more of an effort? Worn something a little more revealing?

“Urgh!”

She threw her arms up in frustration. _Stop second guessing. She probably won't even notice what you're wearing. She doesn't suspect anything. Focus Em._

The doorbell rang. She heard her mother open the door, the muffled exchange of pleasantries. Ali climbing the stairs. The sound of her heart as it beat loudly in her chest, reverberating up to pulse in her ears.

And then, as she closed her eyes for one last pep talk, she saw her. _Paige_. Crystal clear in her mind's eye. Smiling. Freshman year, full of hope and potential.

Again she felt a sense of coolness break over her body and her mind stilled. She opened her eyes in time to see Ali sweep in.

“You look like you've seen a ghost,” she said as she dropped her bag onto Emily's bed.

“I think I'm just tired. Stressed out. Y'know, with school.”

“Well we can't have that. Not with your big swim meet coming up.”

Ali made her way across the room and put her hands on Emily's shoulders, turning her around and leading her towards the chair alongside her desk.

“Here, sit down. Let me see if I can do something about that stress.”

Before Emily could protest, Ali, had started working her nimble fingers into the knots in her shoulders. Her breathing rate doubled as the rhythmic kneading took immediate effect. Her cheeks flushed and she felt a prickly heat rise on her neck.

Ali was standing so close, too close. She could felt her breasts pressed up against her back. Felt her leaning closer still. Felt her breath tickling behind her ear as she whispered “seriously, why so tense, Em?”

Emily felt the words everywhere. In her brain as she tried to decipher Ali's tone – concerned? Teasing? Flirtatious? In her spine as it shivered under the feather-light touch of the air. In her stomach as it flipped over at the sound.

_Goddamit, just stop. Stop reacting to her like this._

But her body wouldn't stop. It continued to work against Emily, to undermine every instruction she'd given it, like a Judas hiding within her. _Mind over matter, Emily!_

She stood up suddenly, taking Alison by surprise, her face twisted in confusion at the movement.

“I'm sorry, I -” Emily ran her fingers through her hair in frustration and an attempt to cool herself down. “Look I won't be able to relax until I get a handle on this work. Can we just start?”

Ali narrowed her eyes almost imperceptibly. Almost. Emily was becoming attuned to what she needed to look out for. And this was a warning sign.

“Well if you'd rather I left...”

Ali looked at her, eyes wide, mouth slightly open, almost pouting. She looked...hurt. Almost...vulnerable. _Shit._

“No, please, I don't want you to go,” Emily said reaching for her hand. _God, it's so soft._

Ali looked torn, plastering on her best unguarded, open face.

Emily moved closer, fighting to keep her eyes away from the deep, deep V of Ali's sweater. Yes, she'd noticed that as soon as she walked into the room.

And yes, Ali saw her noticing.

And so they continued their dance with another. A masquerade where they wore masks of their own faces. Of their lies. Of their deceptions...of others and themselves.

Emily tried to appease Ali when really she was walking straight into the trap Ali had set.

Ali tried to appear unsure of herself, wounded, when really she was amused at just how easy it was to leave Emily tangled up in emotion.

But what Ali didn't understand, what she could not have guessed, was that Emily wasn't flustered simply by her proximity. Yes, she was hiding her attraction but she was also hiding the creeping realisation that her feelings for Ali felt very, very wrong.

It's not like Emily hadn't been there before, of course. When she first allowed herself to acknowledge she liked girls, she had felt guilty about the way she looked at Ali. The things she thought about her. But there was a certain...thrill about it. That joy of letting her true self out into the open air to take a look around.

This was different. This guilt was consuming her. She felt like two separate entities – her body, ignited by a fire that threatened to burn her up from the inside out. And her soul, anguished, scared, horrified by this girl who made her skin feel alive but her heart feel like it was slowly shredding to pieces.

But Emily Fields is a fighter. She wasn't as overtly competitive as Paige and she certainly wasn't a win-at-all costs kind of girl. But she'd always had a keen sense of justice – even if it had been hiding recently. It had taken her a while to get back in the game, and she was certainly ring rusty to risk putting herself in Ali's crosshairs, but she had made a decision and she wasn't backing down.

She sucked in a breath, gave Ali a 100 watt smile and said: “Come on, let's get started. The sooner we get finished the sooner I can grab us both some of the pie my Mom made earlier. You're gonna love it.”

Ali smiled back. She was happy. She was winning. As usual. But there was something else. Something...foreign. Her heart beat a little faster. Her palm felt hot where it was still pressed up against Emily's as she was led to the bed strewn with text books. She shook her head. _Must be the thrill of the game._

Emily noticed the heat between their hands and cursed her body for the millionth time that night. Still, she thought, at least I'm selling it.

She let go of Ali's hand as they sat down on the bed, grabbing her biology book and settling back against the headboard.

“So, what do you know about genetic disorders?”

Ali, having gathered herself swiftly, was mirroring Emily's position beside her. She looked up from beneath her eyelashes at her friend.

“Depends what species. Human biology is my speciality.”

Her eyes dropped from Emily's eyes to her lips. She would not make a move but she would make damn sure Emily did.

For her part, Emily felt the familiar pull within her stomach. The urge to lean in and press her lips against Ali's. And fear, the fear of what Ali could do with this intimate knowledge of her life. But something else, something she was now seeing for what it was. It was...loathing. She loathed herself for wanting someone who was so blatantly not good for her. Not good for anyone. She loathed her body for reacting this way. She loathed the fact that she hadn't seen all of this sooner. Before it got out of hand. Before Paige...

She knew what she had to do. It's not like it would be unpleasant. Her body would make sure she at least half enjoyed it even if her heart was screaming for her to stop.

So she did the only thing she could do. She leaned in and pressed her lips tenderly to Ali's. Her lips were warm. Soft. Nice. This kiss felt different to their last, felt deliberate and measured and...yeah, nice. Just nice.

Meanwhile, Ali's head was spinning. She leaned further into Emily, lifting her hand to cup her cheek. This kiss felt different. Deliberate. Measured. There was a pounding in her ears, something felt off. Like she was the one being hunted.

For the first time in her life, Alison DiLaurentis felt out of control.

 


	8. Chapter 8

Water. Everything always comes back to water. The freedom of floating. The dousing of the heat of rage. The thrill of competition.

And now, the cleansing. The washing away of sins wrought on the body by its owner themselves.

The water pounded down on Emily, her skin already wrinkled from the time she had spent in the shower, head resting on the cool of the tiles. She hadn't moved in several minutes, lost in her thoughts, hoping the water cascading onto her would clear her mind. Instead it remained as steadfastly foggy as the shower door.

She had scrubbed her body so hard she was reddened all over. Every inch, from scalp to toes. Slow circles, methodically erasing each thought, each touch, each emotion. Betrayal, fear, manipulation.

_How did I get here? How did I become the very thing I'm afraid of? Because I am afraid of her. Or at least...I was. Am I still? Maybe. Maybe._

Emily knew what she'd done was wrong. Both times she'd kissed Alison in the past, it had been because she had felt something for her – whatever it was. A need. But this time...this time was different. She had been calculated. Manipulative. Cold even. She had been...Ali.

Emily turned her head upwards and let the slowly cooling water hit her face, fall into her eyes and sweep away the tears that had started to fall. Tears that she had been keeping in for far too long, like so many of her emotions. Everything was under lock and key for Emily Fields. Especially her heart.

Emily choked down a sob as she thought about how she had given Ali that key. Allowed her to open the door and peek inside. Cast her eyes over the secrets and lies. It had felt right, at the time. Felt like it could be the beginning of something. Like Ali could be the one to give her the courage to finally be the person she had been hiding for so long.

How cruel the irony. Instead Ali had slammed shut those doors harder than ever. Emily had become a prisoner inside her own heart. Sure Alison visited every now and again, but every time Emily had felt more alone. More ashamed. More empty.

At the time she'd been sure it was just the hatred of living a double life coupled with missing Ali. Wanting to still be close to her. To touch her. But now...now she was realising it had been something else. That her infatuation with Ali hadn't been about Ali at all. It had been about herself. She had been fascinated by a temptress that wore her own true face. One she could only see when Ali let her. The water was practically cold now but it was nothing compared to what was creeping through Emily's veins.

_I'm so dumb. Ali let me see myself then shut me away again. It wasn't her I missed. It was me. Sure she's pretty but her personality...that's ugly. All this time I told myself I thought she was misunderstood. That she'd change. Deep down I knew she never would...but I didn't care. Because it was the only time I got to see myself._

Emily stepped out of the shower cleaner than she'd been in a long time. She grabbed a towel and wrapped it around herself, burying her face in it and breathing in the freshness. She may have been able to glimpse the real Emily in those moments she shared with Ali but it was filtered through the lens of her worst self as it reflected back at her.

She slowly lifted her head and wiped away the steam from the bathroom mirror, staring at the person there. The skin of her face was pink and flushed. The rims around her eyes were red from crying, but inside her eyes were bright. She looked like a newborn, red and wrinkly and eyes tired from that first cry as it hits the air of the real world.

And for the first time in what seemed like forever, Emily didn't look away. She saw resolve in her eyes. Determination. An acceptance, finally, of who she was. She wasn't about to come storming out of the closet but she was ready to do something else.

Wrapping the towel tighter around her, she walked into her bedroom and padded across to her window seat, staring up at the full moon that had risen, bright, shining and majestic. And Emily Fields felt hope.

* * *

Ali walked slowly as she made her way the short distance from Emily's house to her own. She needed the fresh air and it was a nice night, lit by the full moon overhead. Ali glanced up at it, looming over her, and felt a sense of foreboding. She felt exposed within its glare.

What had happened in Emily's bedroom had been...unexpected. Well, not the kissing part. Alison was pretty sure Emily always wanted to be kissing her. No, it was the way she herself had felt. The way her heart raced. Her sweaty palms. Is that how Emily felt when she kissed her? Ali considered her for a moment. Sweet, inoffensive Emily. Sensitive and caring. She waited for a sign. To see if anything happened to that heart of hers. But there were no extra beats. No skipping. It continued its even, rhythmical beat unaffected, just like always. Just like the times she kissed all those over zealous boys in the back of their daddy's car. Just like it would tomorrow when she set her sights on whichever young buck seemed the most well connected at the frat party. Because Ali's heart didn't allow visitors.

So what was it? What had made her feel that way? Ali thought about the speed with which Emily had pleaded with her to stay after previously trying to blow her off. She thought about the kiss. It certainly lacked the passion of their previous encounter. There was none of the hunger she witnessed then. And yet, she'd felt like Emily was the one in control. Spurred on as if not by desire but something more measured and calculated.

Her eyes narrowed as she pondered this. Why now though? What's behind this sudden change, Ali thought, because she's been acting weird for a few days. Ever since...

_McCullers. I guess I hoped I'd been wrong. And I certainly thought it wouldn't change things. Poor bleeding heart Emily feels sorry for Pigskin. But enough to risk everything?_

Ali let out a laugh that echoed out into the clear night air. How stupid she'd been not to see it sooner. Fields had finally had enough of her schemes. But what to do, what to do. She had much to consider, but games of this sort were Ali's most favourite pastime. With a smile set broadly on her face, she climbed the steps to her house and disappeared inside.

* * *

Paige stared at her legs as they disappeared into the water. She was fascinated by the way they were distorted, taking on a strange shape and a pale ghostliness in the moonlight, which danced off the surface of her pool.

She had been sitting on the edge dipping her toes in and out for a while now. Soon she would plunge in completely. But not just yet. For now she wanted to inhabit this strange place of limbo. Not in. Not out. Both. Neither. She knew she would feel better once she was completely submerged but Paige didn't want to feel better. She wanted to think. She wanted to feel. She wanted to consider how well she'd done at swim practice today. Coach was right. They were some pretty impressive times. She waited. Nope. She didn't feel pride. Or relief. She felt...empty. She wondered what it would be like to have someone to share the news with. A friend to call up, all casual like, and say "hey, guess what? I totally rocked in the pool today, bagged myself some sweet times". What a trip! She'd thought about telling her parents over dinner – they'd asked, of course, how things had gone that day. But she'd answered like she always did. "Practice was great, coach was really pleased with me." She hadn't planned to lie, or, well, not lie so much as omit the truth. But in the moment it had just happened. Now, she realised, it was the possibility that it would lead to more questions, more pressure to keep up those times, that had caused her to roll out her stock answer.

She thought about someone she did want to talk to. Someone who would understand what it was like. On very rare moments, more infrequently than the arrival of a full moon, Paige McCullers would sit in her backyard, dip her toes into the water and think about Emily Fields.

Of course, she told herself it was because she was a fellow swimmer. They had something in common. She'd make an excellent friend if she wasn't so entwined with The Beast. Yep, Paige had a nickname for Ali too. She never used it out loud of course, she didn't have a death wish. But it helped her to cope. Because if she saw Ali as a person, as a human being who could be so cruel, well it was even harder to bear.

But enough about her, because Paige isn't thinking about Ali right now. No, she's staring into the water, on the night of the full moon, and she's thinking about Emily Fields. She's thinking about how her impossibly shiny hair would look in this light. How her eyes would dance as they reflected the moon, just like the water slipping between Paige's toes. How her lithe body would look cutting through the beams on the surface and sending the light cascading in her wake.

Because tonight, Paige McCullers was finally being honest. She wanted to be Emily's friend, of course. But a friend wouldn't study the way her muscles flexed as her shoulders rotated during her warm-up. A warm-up Paige knew just as well as her own. Or the way water dropped gently into the dip next to her clavicle, pooling ever so briefly before continuing its journey. Or the way her skin looked when she came out of the shower, glistening and new and soft as silk. Or Paige supposed it would feel that soft. She dipped her head with a breathless smile at the thought.

She looked again at the moon and sighed. There seemed to be so much potential in its light, the way it made the world ethereal, like Rosewood but not quite. Somewhere better. Where there were possibilities.

Possibilities like Emily Fields. Oh how Paige wanted to live in that world. It had been like opening the floodgates, this honesty. It had ripped open her heart and let in as much happiness as it had hurt. The pain was as raw as anything she'd felt at the hands of her blade.

She looked again at her legs, disembodied, other-worldly.  _Maybe that's where she lives. Down there. The Emily I could talk to. The one I could hold. Like a mermaid, a beautiful mermaid just for me._

She let go her grip on the side of the pool and finally plunged in completely. No more hard concrete under her thighs. No Beast. No parents. Just her and the water. She swam to the bottom and held on tight to a small gap between the tiles. She'd found it a few summers ago by accident and had started using it to keep herself from floating back to the surface.

Grasping it, she pushed down so she was sitting on the floor of the pool. A calmness filled her body. Even the slowly intensifying ache of her lungs as they demanded air couldn't shake her resolve.

_If I sit here, will she come? My dream Emily, my mermaid. Can realities shift and reveal her to me?_

She sat until her head became dizzy, her limbs limp and next to useless, and she thought she saw her. Down there in this other place, this moonlit paradise under the water where Paige was free and calm and happy.  _Emily._ And she wanted to stay there forever. Swim with this apparition, this hallucination, whatever it was, because it was hers and hers alone.

But even as her brain screamed for her to stay her body refused to do anything but rescue her from herself. As she broke the surface, she gulped at the air as if lost in the desert and finally given water. She felt light-headed and could feel a throb in her temples. She supposed it had been there a while but below water she hadn't noticed.

She treaded water for a while, unwilling to leave but knowing that she must, eventually. She looked again to the full moon. It mocked her now, with its possibilities and its promise. She turned her face downwards and swam to the side of the pool, hauling herself out without a second glance.

* * *

Emily's face was contorted in confusion. She could swear she'd heard a buzzing but it was Saturday and she didn't have to get up for school or swim practice.

She snuggled further into the covers and let out a sigh at the thought of a nice long lie-in before -

There it was again. She reached over to her bedside table and grabbed her phone.  _Goddamit Hanna, I'm going to kill you._

"Why the hell are you calling me at 9am? It's Saturday!"

"Er, rude Em. Don't I even get a hello? And please, you've already had like four extra hours in bed. Move your butt, Spencer's got a plan!"

Emily ran a hand through her tousled hair and let out a sigh. "Hanna, I have no idea what you're talking about. Wait, are you with Spencer now? Where are you guys?"

"We're at The Brew," Hanna practically shouted.

Emily rolled her eyes even as a smile crept onto her lips.

"Hanna put Spencer on the line. Spence? Yeah hi. Did you give her espresso again?"

Spencer smirked into the phone. "I may have needed to give her a little jump start, yes."

"Spencer! You know how she gets, she's going to be buzzed for hours."

"Well, that's the plan. We've got a busy day ahead and I wanted her to be awake for it."

"What are you talking about? I thought we weren't gonna hang today because Ali and Aria are going to that party."

"Change of plan. Get your ass down here, ASAP."

"Urgh, you sound just like my dad. Fine. I'll be there in 30 minutes."

"Make it 20, soldier!"

"Okay don't push it Spence," Emily laughed as she hung up the phone.

What did Spencer have planned? And had she invited all the girls?  _I guess I'll find out soon enough._

* * *

Emily walked through the door of The Brew and was met with the waft of coffee and cakes and the sound of a very excited and very loud Hanna Marin.

She grinned as she walked to the table in the back, the place that had been their spot since freshman year. She punched Spencer playfully on the arm and said: "Way to go, Spence. Looks like we've got a toddler on our hands."

Spencer laughed as Hanna spun round and nearly fell off her chair in her excitement. "EMILY! I'm so glad you're here. And you were fast too. Wow. Okay so Spencer has this plan and it's going to be soooo much fun. I can't wait for her to tell you. Tell her, Spence! Or can I tell? Ooh can I please tell her, please?"

Emily shook her head and laughed in disbelief then, spotting another coffee in front of Hanna, said: "Okay, I'm cutting you off, and you," pointing at Spencer, "can tell me what's going on because she's talking too fast to keep up with."

Hanna pouted and was about to answer when Emily mimed zipping her mouth and throwing away the key, grinning in the blonde's direction. Hanna couldn't help but smile.

"Well," Spencer began. "Obviously Alison and Aria are going to that frat party tonight."

Emily stiffened at the mention of Ali.  _Just breathe, Fields._

"So I thought maybe it would be fun if we got together for a sleepover. Just the three of us."

Suddenly Spencer sounded less sure of herself. It was, after all, the first time that Hastings had organised anything for the friends, not to mention something that didn't involve Ali.

Spencer was clutching her coffee cup tightly, her knuckles showing the faintest white.

Emily threw her a trademark smile, warm and encouraging: "That sounds great, I'd love that. But...isn't it a bit early to meet up for a sleepover?"

"WE'RE GOING TO THE CITY!" Hanna blurted out before clamping her hands down tightly over her mouth and staring apologetically at Spencer, who shook her head and shot her back a mocking shocked face.

"Yes, we're going to the city. I figured, why not make a day of it? We can head into Philly, get lunch, do a bit of shopping. Maybe even get a mani-pedi if this one can sit still long enough," she said, jerking a thumb in Hanna's direction.

"That is...if you want." Again she seemed uncertain, her voice getting quieter. Far less the formidable Spencer Hastings people were used to seeing. "I mean, if you had something else to do or you'd rather not then just say."

"Come on, Spence, a day in the city with you guys? Of course I want to come! Although," she said with a mischievous look in her eye, "the idea of leaving you to look after Hanna by yourself is kind of appealing."

This time it was Spencer's turn to take a swipe at Emily. "Y'know what? I kind of didn't think through what would happen when she comes down off her high..."

They looked at each other and burst out laughing.

As Spencer and Hanna finished up their drinks – Hanna now banned from anything other than water - Emily cast her eyes over her friends as they chatted about which shops to hit first.

She settled back into the comfortable armchair and felt peaceful. Something she hadn't felt in a long time. The laughter coming from the other two drifted gently over her like summer rays, the warmth felt not just on her skin but all through her body.

She was excited about going to the city of course. A girls' day out sounded perfect. It was something they'd never done before as a threesome. They'd never done anything without Ali.

More and more her clarity was growing as to just how much a hold Alison had over their lives. She'd never really stopped to think about it. Especially in the beginning when she was just so happy to have found a group to hang with at the start of high school. She never really considered whether she actually liked them, she was just happy to have people.

She was learning more about them now though. Studying them, really, as a method of self-preservation. She needed to be able to rely on them in the future. Wanted to know they would be on her side. But it was more than that. She knew they could actually be close if they got the chance. She knew Spencer's dry sense of humour would always win her over. She was sure Hanna's crazy approach to life would have her laughing more often than not. Aria's love of all things dramatic could certainly be entertaining. And she knew – no, hoped, at this point – they felt the same way as she did about the way Ali was treating people. She wanted to believe it, looking over at the pair of caffeine freaks in front of her, Spencer attempting to explain to Hanna it wasn't expresso and Hanna steadfastly refusing to believe it because "it's small, so it's express. Duh. You just add the O to make it sound Italian."

She believed they could show compassion. Could stand up for a friend in need. But still...it was a risk and she needed to be sure. If she got this wrong she could be shunned by the group and made to pay by Ali. She wouldn't be coming out of the closet, she'd be pushed out before she was ready. Before she'd had chance to tell the people she loved.

But it wasn't just about her. She had to be sure for all of her friends. For Paige. She had to be certain she could be brave enough. And that they could be too.

Spencer really had done her a favour by organising this day. It would give her the perfect opportunity to start the ball rolling. To begin to loosen the ties that bind.

 


	9. Chapter 9

Emily lent back in the passenger seat of Spencer's car and let her head rest lazily.

She turned slightly to look at her friend as she drove them back from their exhausting – but wonderful – day in Philly.

Emily smiled as she watched Spencer tap her fingers on the steering wheel in time to the music blaring from the radio. It was Hanna's choice – she'd demanded the Spice Girls be played on the journey home after Spencer's pick of Radiohead for the journey there.

Now she was asleep in the backseat and snoring lightly, exhausted from her caffeine crash and a day of shopping, pampering and eating – most definitely three of her favourite things.

“Y'know, you can turn that off now, Spence – Hanna's asleep back there.”

Spencer feigned surprise. “Oh she is? Well, we're getting close to home now. May as well just leave it on...”

Emily laughed quietly to herself as she watched Spencer sing Two Become One under her breath.

“Spence?”

“Yeah Em?”

“I – I had a really great time today. I haven't had that much fun in...well I can't even remember.”

Spencer glanced over briefly to smile in her direction before turning her attention back to the road. “Me too, Em. I think Hanna did as well.”

Emily looked back at the blonde and giggled at her, mouth agape and slightly drooling.

“God, it really is like having a child sometimes. She was so hyper and now look at her. Passed out as soon as we hit the road.”

Spencer smiled. “Yeah she had a blast. I think we all needed it. No stress. No school...”

“...no Ali.”

Spencer straightened in her seat, her shoulders sinewy and tense.

“Em...”

Emily didn't know where that had come from but suddenly she felt emboldened by the day they'd spent together. This was it.

“I know you feel it too, Spence. Have we ever had that much fun when Ali's around? It's like we didn't even know each other before but today was different.”

Spencer was quiet for what was probably only a few seconds but felt like an eternity as Emily held her breath. _It's too soon. You haven't built enough trust. She's going to shut down._

For her part, Spencer's own mind was working overtime too. Just a few nights before she had seen Emily making heart eyes at Ali like there was no tomorrow. _What's changed? What if nothing has? Maybe Ali's put her up to this. You have to answer, Spencer!_

When she did speak, her voice was small, so small it barely registered even in the confined space of the car.

“I feel it too.”

As she said the words, her shoulders relaxed and she loosened her grip on the wheel.

Emily didn't know what to say at first. She'd longed for this moment, to hear her own words echoed back to her. And now here it was, happening right in front of her like a movie she'd been waiting months to see.

She turned fully to Spencer in her seat and said: “I've been thinking a lot lately. About Ali. About the way she treats people. That's who she is, but it's not who we are. At least, I'd like to think it's not.”

“It's not.” Spencer said the words forcefully, belying her nerves of just seconds earlier. _What's that British saying? In for a penny, in for a pound. If I'm going to get burned I may as well make it worth it._

“I always thought I was the only one who noticed.”

“Yeah, well, Ali did such a great job of keeping us from each other we never had the chance to talk about it until now.”

Spencer nodded slowly, chewing the inside of her cheek slowly, deep in thought.

“Em, I need to know something.” There was a determination in her voice, but she was still afraid of the answer.

Emily nodded, giving her the green light even as she felt her heart start to beat out of her chest.

Spencer swallowed. She had to do this carefully. She didn't want to scare Emily away.

“What's changed? The other night with Ali, you two looked...really close.”

Emily felt a familiar chill through her veins. It was a feeling she'd been experiencing a lot lately but not one she thought she'd get used to. She contemplated the question. Did Spencer just mean they looked friendly? She couldn't mean something more. Could she? But this is Spencer Hastings. She was a shoe-in for valedictorian but she wasn't your typical brainiac. She had an emotional intelligence too, Emily was realising. And at this moment, that scared her.

“I just started to think about all the things she'd been doing. The way she treats people. Hanna, us. Paige.”

“But the thing with Paige happened earlier that day and it didn't seem to bother you during our study night,” Spencer said, furrowing her brow.

Oh no, thought Emily. She's gone into Sherlock Hastings mode. She watched as Spencer's own fears about the conversation dropped away allowing the analytical part of her brain to take over.

“Well I...found out some new information.”

_Dammit Emily, you can't tell her that. It's not your secret to tell. Oh how the hell am I going to get out of this, she's like the freakin' terminator when she wants to know something._

Spencer's eyes narrowed. “What new information?”

“I just, I just saw how much this was upsetting Paige when we were at swim practice, ok? And I realised, she's my teammate. She doesn't have anyone to look out for her so I need to do it.”

“Em, Ali hates Paige. I've no idea why but she does. You really want to go up against her over this? You barely even know Paige.”

“Come on, Spence. I can't do this halfway. I've had enough of the way she treats us. Especially Hanna. You saw how carefree she was today, she was like a different person. But she's not strong enough to do this by herself. And neither's Paige.”

“Are we talking about the same McCullers? You've seen her play field hockey right? She's practically demonic.”

“You don't know what you're talking about.” Emily's voice was barely audible and her head had drooped slightly, so her face was partially hidden by her hair.

Spencer softened instantly. _What's she hiding from me?_

“Okay Em look, I'm sorry ok? I didn't mean to upset you. I'm just scared for you. You can't suddenly march over there and become Paige's BFF.”

“Don't you think I know that?” Emily practically shouted, her anger finally bubbling over.

“Guys what's going on?” Hanna had woken to find the car suddenly filled with tension and it immediately set her on edge.

Emily turned in her seat and did her best to soften her features. “It's ok Han, go back to sleep. Me and Spence were just having a disagreement about the best route home.”

Hanna, her face flushed from sleep and her eyes still drowsy, seemed uncertain.

“Are you sure?” She looked from Emily to Spencer, seeking reassurance.

“Yeah Han, it's all fine. You know how stubborn I can be,” Spencer said, flashing her a quick smile.

“Oh yeah, I sure know that,” Hanna said with a giggle, before settling herself back into her position leaning against the door.

Emily and Spencer turned their attention back to the open road and sat in silence.

Emily wondered just how much Spencer had guessed about her feelings for Ali. She wondered whether Spencer fully trusted her yet. Would she blame her if she didn't? Not at all. Emily had been Ali's most devoted lapdog. She was right to be wary. And, in truth, Emily felt the same way. She wasn't close to the kind of trust territory that would give her the courage to open up about her sexuality. In her heart, she had to believe Spencer wouldn't be judgemental or treat her any differently. But her head? Her head wasn't there yet. For as long as they had been friends, everything still felt brand new between them. Emily needed more time.

As for Spencer, her exterior was calm but the Hastings head was in overdrive. She was sure now she'd been right about the interaction between Emily and Ali even if in the intervening few days she'd tried to convince herself she'd been wrong. Emily's reaction had confirmed her suspicions. She was starting to know her pretty well. And part of that was realising that she just wasn't ready to go there. She was pretty sure no-one else knew. Or suspected. Other than Ali of course. _Is that what she's got on her? Has she been playing her this whole time just to – oh god. Em. She must be terrified. If her mom and dad found out and it didn't come from her..._

She glanced over at Emily, who was staring pensively out the window as Pennsylvania rushed by outside. There was a lot to admire about Emily but she'd always considered her to be...not weak exactly but easy to push the way you wanted her to go. She shied away from the word manipulation. That was reserved for Ali. Emily was the peacemaker, eager to please, ready with a consoling word. But all that had changed. _She's the strong one. She's got the most to lose but she's the one who's about to put her neck on the line for the rest of us._

“Em?” She gently laid her hand on her friend's shoulder to get her attention. When Emily turned to her she saw fear and uncertainty but something else. Determination.

“I don't know what's changed your mind and I don't need to know. But I've realised something. I let you down in the past. I should have stood up to Ali before.”

“Spence, I -”

“No, please Em. Let me finish.” She spoke gently, but her eyes were fixed dead ahead and unswerving, just like her path in the conversation.

She didn't wait for Emily to speak and Emily didn't offer an answer. She didn't need to.

“I lied before. When I said Paige could take care of herself.”

Emily was staring at her openly now. She saw the slight darting of her eyes, the twitch at the side of her mouth. The slight change in the register of her voice.

“In the hall on Monday, what Ali did. I was paying attention. I just pretended I wasn't.

“It's easier that way...until it isn't.”

Emily's could feel the prickly heat of tears behind her eyes as she listened to the sudden pain in Spencer's voice.

“I should have said something. I should have stopped her. Not just then. All the times she's punished Hanna over her weight. All the times she's made us feel we weren't worthy of being her friend.

“But she made me feel like none of us felt the same. Like I was the only one. And I'm still scared as hell this is some elaborate trick to catch me out but I can't keep doing this.”

Emily was barely able to breathe now as she watched Spencer put herself completely on the line.

“If you can be brave, so can I. I trust you, Em.”

Emily blinked in disbelief, a single tear escaping her eye. She'd never wanted to hug someone more than she did right now.

* * *

The rest of the journey home had passed uneventfully. After an emotional few moments following Spencer's declarations, she'd cranked up the Spice Girls and, with Hanna now awake and singing along, the last few miles back to Rosewood had sped by.

Hanna was bouncing up and down in the backseat like a toddler who'd just woken from their nap, energised and ready to play.

“Guys! Clearly I'm Baby Spice because of my blonde hair but -”

Spencer cut her off: “That's not the only reason Han.”

“What do you mean?”

Emily giggled from the front as Spencer said: “Hmm let's see, loves Disney movies, sweet tooth, can't handle caffeine, pout when you don't get your own way...”

“Okay okay. Fine. Em's obviously Sporty Spice.”

“Obviously,” said Emily proudly from the front seat.

“Wait, what about me? I rock on the field hockey pitch.”

Hanna considered. “Yeah but that's not your main deal. School is. You'll have to be Posh Spice.”

“Victoria Beckham, are you kidding me? She's so vacuous.”

“Yeah but she's posh and you're a Hastings. Plus, you don't exactly fit the Ginger Spice role.”

“Okay, what about Scary? Can't I be her instead?”

“No!” said Emily and Hanna in unison, a little too loudly.

The three girls looked at each other.

“Yeah,” said Spencer, in realisation. “Maybe I'm not the scariest of the bunch.”

* * *

Once the car was parked up at the Hastings house, the girls pulled their weary limbs out, grabbed their shopping bags and dragged themselves inside.

“Pizza?” Spencer said as she dropped her things on the floor in her Great Room.

“PIZZA PARTY!” Hanna shouted, the only one of the three who had any energy left.

Emily and Spencer looked at each other and laughed like indulgent parents. “Here,” Spencer said as she tossed Hanna the phone. “Order whatever you want, my treat.”

As Hanna headed off to retrieve the pizza menu from a kitchen drawer, Emily and Spencer sat down on the couch and looked at one another, their smiles genuine and warm.

Emily felt like she was Atlas and the world had been lifted from her shoulders. But she knew this whole thing was only just beginning.

“I don't know where we go from here, Spence.”

“Me either. But I think we should leave Aria and Hanna out of it for now. You know how skittish they can both be. And Hanna is the world's worst liar, if Ali had any idea...”

“Agreed. But I can't keep watching her do this. If she tries something with them, with anyone...I just can't live with myself anymore.”

Emily's head hung low and her voice broke with unshed tears.

“Hey,” Spencer put her hand on Emily's knee, causing her to look up and meet her eyes. “It's going to be ok. We'll figure this out. Just...keep talking to me ok?”

“Yeah. Thanks. I'm sorry, I just...I thought I was going to have to do this alone. And I...I didn't know what the consequences would be.”

It may have been unintentional, but Spencer understood exactly the meaning of what Emily was saying. She thought carefully before answering.

“Emily. There's nothing you could do that would make me not want to be your friend.”

Emily took a moment to take in what Spencer was saying before offering her a shy smile and nod in acknowledgement. What was unsaid was more than what was said. From both girls. And it was enough.

* * *

Several pizzas, two tubs of ice-cream and copious amounts of soda later, the three girls were sprawled out starting the second of the films in their movie marathon.

Hanna, even more hyper thanks to an injection of sugar and the feeling of inhibition she got whenever Ali wasn't around, had jumped up to retrieve the DVD and put a new one in the player.

“Oh The Proposal is so good. I love Ryan Reynolds.”

“It was passable,” said Spencer, “but Sandra Bullock can do so much better. What's up with her and these movies anyway? She was awesome in The Blind Side. She should do more stuff like that.”

“Urgh, next you'll be saying she should be in one of those French movies you love so much. The ones with the subtitles.”

“Hanna, there's nothing wrong with foreign films!”

“Err yes there is. If I wanted to read, I'd pick up a book.”

Emily laughed. Hanna was so much fun when she was cutting loose and sassing Spencer.

For her part, there was nothing more amusing than a Hastings on a rant about the merits of French new wave cinema. There was lots of gesticulating and references to Truffaut and Godard.

“Guys, if you two keep arguing we're gonna be asleep before the end of the second movie.”

Hanna threw her hands up in the air dramatically. “Fine, but tell Miss France over there she better have picked something good."

“Bien sûr!”

Hanna rolled her eyes and grabbed the next DVD from the pile, reading the title.

“Imagine Me and You. Never heard of it.”

“Really?” said Spencer. “It's a rom-com. Should be right in your wheelhouse.”

She glanced at Emily, who was looking at her with a questioning smile.

Spencer turned away quickly. She was trying to be subtle but maybe she wasn't quite as clever as she thought.

“It's got Lena Headey in from Game of Thrones so I figured we could give it a go.”

“I'm game,” said Hanna, grabbing the bowl of popcorn. Spencer smiled. _She hasn't worried about food all night._

* * *

As the closing credits started to roll, Hanna looked across at her host and started to clap.

“Gotta hand it to you Spence, that was a great choice. I think I can totally master an English accent now.”

Clambouring onto the couch, she took a huge breath and shouted: “YOU'RE A WANKER NUMBER NINE!”

Emily and Spencer fell about laughing and Hanna was soon joining them. When she'd finally composed herself, she said: “Seriously though, that was really cool. Like, it was as good as all my favourite rom-coms. It just happened to be about two chicks.”

Spencer side-eyed Emily to see how she was reacting. She obviously hadn't anticipated the conversation in the car and this was a plan she'd cooked up to try and dig a little for information. She figured she'd see how Emily reacted. Now she felt a little guilty having already tried to get her to admit her feelings for Ali.

But so far, Emily seemed to be coping ok. She was happily joking along with Hanna. The problem was, Spencer thought, Hanna was a loose cannon in these situations. You just never knew what she was going to say ne-

“I think I'd make an excellent lesbian.”

“HANNA!”

“What? I would! If I had a girlfriend I could do her hair and nails, give her advice about fashion trends. Never have to worry about watching action movies. Chick flicks all the way!”

“HANNA!”

“WHAT SPENCER? Jeez, stop shouting at me.”

Emily laughed lightly: “I think there's a little more to it than that, Han.”

Spencer cleared her throat. “I think love is love. Everyone should be accepted for who they are. And the federal government should ensure equal rights for everybody regardless.”

“Okay Spence, you can get down off your soapbox now.” Hanna was eye-rolling again and Emily was looking amused by Spencer's public service announcement.

Spencer started to shift uncomfortably. This wasn't going the way she'd intended.

Emily, though she was quite enjoying watching her squirm, decided to put her out of her misery.

“Quite the speech there, Spence. Thinking of running for office?”

“Nah, she's too busy watching sub-titled films to have time for that,” said Hanna, then ducked quickly as a cushion went flying past her head courtesy of one Spencer Hastings.

Emily let out a hearty laugh and grabbed a cushion before advancing on Hanna with intent.

_Everything's going to be okay. What could possibly go wrong with these dorks on my side?_

* * *

Emily woke up with a strange feeling in her shoulder, like a weight was pressing down on her.

She slowly blinked open her eyes and found the source of the problem – Hanna Marin was snuggled cosily into her while the vast expanse of Spencer's bed lay empty on the other side.

Emily cast her eyes around the room and spotted Spencer still asleep on a mattress on the floor. How does she still look impossibly composed even while sleeping?

Emily turned to her bedmate and slowly eased herself out from under her. Hanna, in contrast, looked like a train wreck, mouth open, drooling – onto Emily, apparently, judging by the wet patch on her T-shirt – and her hair sticking out at all angles.

Standing up and stretching, Emily groaned. She felt like she'd gained 10 pounds overnight. It was still early for a Sunday – she checked her watch and saw it was just after 8am – and knew the other two would be out for the count for a while.

She quickly made a decision, throwing on some shorts and a racer back vest she'd packed just in case. Grabbing her sneakers, she headed down the stairs and out the back door. A few stretches later and she was running off the Hastings property and heading for the trail she liked to take through the woods.

It was a beautiful morning, clear blue skies, fresh but not cold, perfect weather for an early morning jog.

Emily revelled in the sights and smells of nature around her, the birds singing, the crunch of leaves and twigs under her feet, the smell of trees and earth and warmth.

As her legs picked up speed she felt lighter than she had in a long time. The previous day had been something of a revelation. She hadn't intended to talk to Spencer yet but it had just felt...right. She'd even skirted close to the issue of her sexuality, something she had never thought possible so soon. She grinned at the memory of Spencer's little PFLAG speech. It was just so Spencer to try and make a point like that. She loved her for it. But however heavy-handed her methods had been, it had given Emily so much hope. That she could say it out loud one day. That she could be open about who she was. 

Rounding a bend she came to a fork in the path and decided to head for the lake. She loved it there in the mornings, it was always so peaceful and she pretty much always had the place to herself.

This time though, as she entered the clearing, she could see someone perched on a rock on the edge of the water. She knew straight away who it was. The girl was languidly throwing stones into the water, the ripples spreading out across its glassy surface endlessly. The way her muscles moved in her shoulders and arms as she threw, the way her hair took on different colours in the sun, the curve of her spine. All these things added up to inform Emily Fields of who was sitting with her feet dangling over the water.

But Emily didn't think any of that. Emily's only thought was  _Paige._

She slowly started to walk over, gingerly stepping on the ground as if approaching a deer she was afraid to startle.

It was putting off the inevitable, though, because Paige looked up in surprise when Emily got close to her.

“Hey,” Emily said with a half wave, suddenly conscious of how messy her hair was, how sweaty she must look. She ran a hand over brow, trying to rid herself of some of the perspiration that she knew was there.

“Hi,” said Paige, turning back to the water.

Emily thought for a moment of just continuing her run, given that Paige didn't seem partucularly keen to see her. If she'd looked closer, she would have seen the subtle but still noticeable way Paige's breathing had increased pace. But she didn't see because she was trying to control her own breathing down to normal levels.

_Jeez Em, get a grip. You wanted to get to know her, here's your chance. Just go over there._

She cleared her throat and, swallowing down her nerves, strode over to where Paige was sitting. Pointing to a boulder next to the one her fellow swimmer was perched on she said: “Is this rock taken?”

_Oh my god, Emily, you absolute dork._

Paige bit down on her lip to stop herself from smirking.

_Oh my god, she's adorable._

“I don't see anyone sitting there, do you?”

_Nice, McCullers. Just because you're trying to keep it together doesn't mean you have to be so snarky._

The bright smile fell from Emily's lips and Paige felt like she was the worst person in the world for being the one to make it disappear.

“I'm sorry. Please. I – I guess I'm not much of a morning person.”

Emily hesitated for a moment then sat down and looked out across the water. She felt calmer, being this close to the lake. She looked back to Paige and realised that her feet were actually dipping in and out, her socks and sneakers neatly beside her on the ground.

“Is it cold?”

“A little. But I like it. It's kind of...numbing.”

Emily nodded, even though Paige was still looking straight forwards and had resumed her stone throwing.

Reaching down she unlaced her own shoes and took them and her socks off before slowly dipping her toes in.

The shock of the cold caused her to take a sharp intake of breath and throw a glare Paige's way.

“I thought you said it was only a little cold!”

Paige allowed herself a small grin. “Maybe I'm made of tougher stuff than you, Fields.”

Emily's heart registered the smile faster than her brain but she couldn't tell if Paige was being serious or not, so she let the remark go. If she was going to gain the girl's trust she couldn't be jumping on everything she said.

“So do you come here often?”

_OH MY GOD EMILY, WHAT THE HELL?_

This time Paige couldn't stop a laugh escaping her mouth but she attempted to cover it up with a cough.

“I run here a lot, yeah, it helps with my stamina in the pool.”

“I didn't get chance to tell you the other day but your times were amazing.”

_Am I dreaming? Because I'm pretty sure this is a dream I had. Emily and I sitting here, talking about swimming. Maybe I hit my head while I was running and I'm actually unconscious right now. Let me just pinch my – ow! No, not unconscious. Okay you're going to have to answer her then._

“Thanks.” _Okay...that'll do I guess._

“You seemed different out there. Like there was something driving you on.”

Paige instinctively put her arms around her body in a tight hug. She ran her fingers lightly, impercetibly over the scars she knew were there. Remembering what it was that had pushed her on that day.

“Things just clicked I guess. I got lucky.” Her tone was flat and Emily felt like the flicker of light she'd seen oh so briefly had gone out once again. She was now hurriedly putting on her socks and sneakers.

“Anyway, I gotta go. My folks are expecting me home.”

“Okay well...I'll see you...” Paige was gone before Emily could even finish her sentence.

She sighed and slowly pulled on own shoes and socks. She bent down and picked up a stone, rubbing it gently in her fingers before throwing it as far as she could out into the lake.

Emily watched as the ripples spread wider and wider, bigger and bigger.

As she turned away to head back, the ripples were still making their way steadfastly to the lake's edge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

_If I just lie here, just lie here very still, I can pretend there's nothing else but this room. These walls. This bed. This ceiling. If I stare at this ceiling, stare very hard, I'll blend in. Become like the desk or the lamp or the closet. Like a chameleon, I'll disappear. If I just lie really still. If I just stare really hard._

Paige heard her alarm going off somewhere in the back of her mind. It seemed so far away, like she was hearing it under water, but it's urgency was slowly starting to creep further into her consciousness.

Eventually she could ignore it no more, grabbing the phone from her bedside table and silencing it, before letting it drop beside her.

Monday. God how Paige hated Mondays. It's not exactly like she lived for the weekends. They were spent trying to avoid her parents, studying, training. But at least they meant she wasn't in school.

Now Monday had rolled around again and all she wanted to do was disappear. The dread she felt at having another run-in with Alison was like a weight tied around her ankles, holding her under the surface. At the moment she was able to keep her head far enough above water to keep breathing, but it was becoming harder. The fight was leaving her body like energy from tired limbs that just can't keep swimming.

She'd tried pushing back but it had just made everything worse. Now she felt like a fly waiting to be swatted by Ali whenever she was bored. And just like a fly in a room with the windows shut tight, she couldn't find an escape route.

Paige let her mind wander to the day before and her unexpected encounter with Emily. She had known the other girl would realise she had shut down but she had to. It was the only way to protect herself.

But before then, before reality and fear and pain had come crashing back in to Paige's world, it had been like a dream.

The two of them sitting there, feet in the water, watching the sun playing off the surface - Paige had imagined it many times. She was unprepared for the reality though. The way her heart thumped in her chest at Emily's presence. The way she had to stop herself from grinning like an idiot at the mere sound of her voice.

She'd felt alive.

Swimming was really the only thing that gave Paige that kind of rush and that had been waning thanks to her father's pressure. But this was different. It was warming and thrilling and intoxicating and...

_Terrifying. I can't feel like this. Apart from the fact that I absolutely cannot be...that...I have to stop thinking about Emily Fields. She's best friends with my nemesis, for god's sake._

Paige pondered that for a moment. She'd never understood Emily's friendship with Ali. They were so different, like two sides of the same coin. Emily - good, sweet, kind-hearted Emily - couldn't be more the polar opposite of Ali.

And yet. She'd never reached out to Paige. Tried to stop Ali. Didn't that make her an accomplice or something? Paige sighed. Why was she even thinking about this? It's not like she could ever be friends with Fields. Ali would never allow it. She needed to accept that and stop dreaming up this vision of someone that probably didn't even exist. Maybe she'd misjudged Emily. Given her too much credit.

Paige finally sat up and swung her legs to the side of the bed, planting them firmly on the floor, wriggling her toes in the fibres of the carpet as if trying to ground herself. _Okay McCullers, you are going to get through today without any Ali drama and you are going to realise Emily Fields is just another one of her minions._

Paige's brain was listening intently. But her heart didn't hear a word.

* * *

Emily Fields sat on the bench in front of her locker and began putting her hair into a tight bun ready for practice. She had spent a good deal of time the previous night thinking about Paige and their talk at the lake – such as it was. For a brief moment, she'd seen a different person sitting next to her than the one she was used to. She knew she'd made a fool of herself with her choice of words but when she heard Paige laughing, she couldn't have cared less. Of course, the girl had tried to cover it up but still. It had been there, if only for a moment.

Emily thought she'd been on safe footing mentioning Paige's times in practice, given how amazing they were, but it was a misstep given Paige's reaction. This was going to be so much harder than she thought if swimming couldn't be safe ground. She had no idea what else the other girl was into.

Just as she was pulling on her swim cap, she saw Paige come through the doors to the locker room. She smiled in as big and open way as she could but was disappointed to be met with a trademark McCullers scowl.

Emily faltered briefly, but stuck to her task. “Hey! How was the rest of your run yesterday?”

“Hard going. I shouldn't have sat for so long, my muscles got cold.”

“Oh. Well I'm sorry if that was my fault.”

“It's no big deal.”

Paige was hurriedly packing her stuff into her locker and in record time was heading to the pool. Caught off guard, Emily chased after her. She still had on her warm-up suit, Emily noticed with a pang of sadness. This time, she knew exactly why. And it had nothing to do with some new training method.

“So are you looking forward to practice?”

Paige looked at her quizzically, unsure as to why Emily was so chatty at 6am.

“Oh yeah, sure, it's always a thrill ride.”

Emily's smile faltered. _Looks like snarky Paige is back. Fantastic._

Paige sighed internally. _Why is this so hard? She looks like a wounded puppy every time I open my mouth but why does she even care?_

Emily was trying to get a read on Paige's expression when a pair of big brown eyes caught her own. She didn't see the disdain she expected. There was a flicker of something, but she couldn't put her finger on what it was.

Making a decision, she switched on that famous Fields smile and turned it full beam on Paige.

“Come on, I'm feeling lucky today. I'm ready to match those times, McCullers.”

Before her brain had time to rule her heart, Paige let a small smile tickle the edges of her lips. _Let's see you try, Fields._

* * *

“Okay ladies, last race of the day – 50m freestyle. I'm sure you all remember how McCullers tore it up last time out. Let's see how the rest of you respond.”

Coach Fulton was laying it on thick as the girls took their places on the starting blocks.

Emily stepped up, took two breaths and puffed the air out of her cheeks. Looking to her right, she saw Paige going through a similar scenario. She looked utterly focussed on the task at hand. Just like always, Emily thought. Just then Paige turned and glanced back at her. _Was that the hint of a smile?_ Before she had chance to decide, Paige had turned away, pulled down her goggles and was ready to go.

Emily did the same and took up her position crouched down waiting for the signal.

As coach blew her whistle the two shot off the blocks and entered the water almost simultaneously.

If Paige and Emily had been able to view themselves from above, they would have been surprised to see just how in sync they were. Near-identical strokes pulling through the water, their mouths reaching out to strain for air at the same time, their turns perfectly in unison.

Emily knew she was keeping pace with Paige and felt relaxed and sure in her swimming.

From Paige's point of view, she was surprised. She knew Fields had it in her but she didn't expect to have her match her stroke for this long. _Time to step it up a gear._

And just like that Paige increased her stroke rate and gradually pulled away from Emily. For her part, Emily saw the change but just had no reserves to do anything about it. _Damn, how does she do that?_

Paige and Emily took the two top spots in the race and were greeted with back slaps and high fives by their teammates. Once the excitement had died down, Coach Fulton sent everyone off to the locker rooms to get ready for the start of classes. It was a hubbub of noise and activity as the girls talked over their various times in practice.

“Fields! McCullers!”

The two girls turned back around to see the coach beckoning them over.

“Make it snappy in there, I want to see you both in my office in ten.”

The pair looked at each other and then back to the coach, both nervous about what was to come.

“Well get going!”

With hurried acknowledgements, the two swimmers hustled to the locker room and got ready in record time. Emily was just finishing grabbing her stuff as Paige shut her locker and headed for the office.

“Hey, wait up.”

Paige stopped and turned around, nervously shifting from one foot to the other and staring intently at the ground.

Emily couldn't help but smile. She looked so uncomfortable and usually when people felt that way, it transmitted to Emily and made her feel the same. But looking at Paige like this was different. She felt the urge to tell her it was okay, that things were going to work out. But she couldn't find the right words.

“Coach can't start without me, so you may as well walk with me,” she teased as she finally shut her locker.

Paige blushed despite herself and finally looked up from the ground.

Emily's cocked her head slightly to the side as she appraised the girl in front of her. _Why is she blushing?_

“What do you think coach wants?” she said, worry evident in her voice.

“I guess we're gonna find out, McCullers. Come on.”

Emily adjusted her bag on her shoulder, shot another smile in Paige's direction and headed for the office. Paige took a deep breath and followed her.

Emily knocked confidently on Coach Fulton's door and the pair were waved in immediately.

“Girls, thanks for being so prompt. Let's make this quick because I don't want you to be late for class.”

Emily smiled. Paige did her best.

“McCullers.” She stiffened in her chair. She had no idea what this was all about but she was pretty sure whatever it was wouldn't make her dad happy and that meant trouble for her.

“I was wondering if Friday's session was a fluke but you proved me wrong today. Hell of a practice. What are you doing differently?”

It was Emily's turn to stiffen now. She had pretty much asked the same question of Paige just the previous day. And it had not gone well.

Paige swallowed. “I guess I found some extra motivation. And I...I've been working on my endurance.”

Coach was nodding, seemingly impressed by what she was hearing.

“And you, Emily,” she said, turning her attention to the other girl.

“You matched Paige for nearly all the race. I was impressed. You seem to have your head back in the game.”

“I do, coach. I'm not going to let you down.”

“Good. You two are the best swimmers on the team, hands down. And that's saying something considering the standards here. I think you have the potential to go really far. College, scholarships, the whole shebang. Both of you.

“I've been thinking about things over the weekend. Today just cemented my ideas.”

The two girls exchanged quick glances before returning their attention to the coach.

“I want you to start doing extra sessions together after school. You are each other's closest rivals and the only ones who can push each other to be better.

“Emily, your goal is to be up there with Paige at the end of the race. Paige, your goal is to keep trying to pull away.”

Paige was getting paler and paler by the second. This was not what she had in mind when she'd decided that very morning to distance herself from Emily Fields.

Emily, however, couldn't believe her luck. This was exactly the kind of serendipitous event that she'd needed. Now she had a legitimate reason to spend some one-on-one time with Paige without it raising Alison's suspicions.

She nodded enthusiastically as Coach Fulton laid out her plan. One hour after school. Focus on endurance. Don't overdo it. She'll square it with Paige's father...

At that Paige suddenly snapped out of the trance she'd been in.

“My father likes to be in charge of my extra training. I don't think he's going to go for this.”

“Let me handle it, Paige. We'll work something out.”

_Yeah, good luck with that._

“So it's settled then? You two will meet at the pool straight after your final class. Starting tomorrow. On days when we have an afternoon practice, you'll just come to that instead. Understood?”

“Yes coach!” Emily said brightly, looking over at Paige, who just nodded meekly, her mind screaming. _You're screwed, McCullers._

* * *

Morning classes flew by for Emily. She was on a high after swim practice and the conversation that followed. Coach Fulton had no idea what a huge favour she'd done her. Sure, Paige looked less than happy about the situation, but she put that down to her reluctance to change her swim schedule. She hoped her father wouldn't put up too much of a fight about it – she'd seen Nick McCullers in action and it wasn't pretty.

In Paige's world, she couldn't have taken the news any harder. Her mind was racing. What would her father say? Would he agree? How was she going to get through an hour alone with Emily? What would they even talk about? Wait, they were training, they didn't have to talk. Did they? Paige groaned internally. This was a nightmare. So much for flying under the radar.

Before they knew it, both girls were heading to the cafeteria for lunch. Emily was destined for the girls' table, Paige for her lone seat by the wall. At least this part of the day can be controlled, thought Paige. Emily, meanwhile, considered just how out of control she felt when she was here.

As she approached their usual table, she saw Ali was holding court, the others already there and listening – in varying degrees of interest – to whatever story she was telling.

She took a seat next to Aria and across from Spencer with a soft hello, not wanting to interrupt Ali's flow.

“Emily, how nice of you to join us,” said Ali, breaking off from her conversation.

“I got held up at history writing down the assignment,” Emily explained.

“Well you're here now. I was just telling the others what an amazing night Aria and I had. Right Aria?”

The smaller girl smiled and nodded eagerly, but Emily felt like there was something...off about the gesture. Something less than convincing.

“I met this guy from the Hollis basketball team. Tall, dark and handsome, just the way I like them.”

Emily's jaw clenched as she listened. It wasn't that she cared who Ali was seeing. What she'd felt for Ali had been intense, yes, but it had burned brightly and quickly. Now the flame was gone, extinguished with the full realisation of Paige's pain.

Her irritability had more to do with her concern over why Ali seemed so determined she knew about it. As if she was trying to play her.

_Isn't that what she always did? Build you up then knock you back down? She wants you to be jealous._

Emily pondered whether she should feign disapproval, pretend there was a green-eyed monster inside she was trying not to let out. But she couldn't. The other night, with Ali in her room...that had been enough of a deception for her. The way she'd felt afterwards had ensured she wouldn't do it again.

Instead she continued to eat her lunch methodically, trying not to make eye contact with Alison.

But of course, this didn't go unnoticed by Ali, whose sole purpose for the conversation in the first place was to gauge Emily's reaction. But she got nothing. No not nothing. Disinterest. That was much worse.

_Well this is certainly an unwelcome development. Maybe I need to work a little harder._

“You're awfully quiet, Emily. Cat got your tongue?”

“What? Oh, no. I'm just thinking. Coach wants me to do some extra training after school so I've got to try and work out a schedule to make sure I don't fall behind with my classwork.”

“What's wrong, superstar?” Ali purred. “Times not up to scratch?”

Spencer threw a look of solidarity in Emily's direction and she was surprised by just how much confidence it gave her.

“Actually she's really pleased with how I'm doing. She thinks I've got real potential so she's trying to help me maximise it.”

“By having you swim laps after class by yourself? Great masterplan.”

Emily paused, fork halfway to her mouth and shot a look at Spencer, who just looked back with one raised eyebrow.

_I can't lie. It'll look suspicious._

She lowered her hand and looked directly at Ali. “I won't be by myself. Paige will be there.”

Ali's eyes narrowed and a look of disgust passed across her face.

“So you're having to rearrange your schedule because you're being forced to practice with Pigskin? Did you run over Coach Fulton's cat or something?” she laughed, looking at Hanna and Aria for validation, both of them nervously smiling.

“Don't call her that.”

Emily's voice was barely a whisper. But it was heard. It was heard as loud as if she had grabbed a megaphone, stood on her chair and shouted at the top of her lungs.

Hanna looked like she was going to be sick. Aria looked even tinier than before. Spencer stiffened in her chair but raised herself up poker straight and determined. And Alison DiLaurentis, well she looked like a five-year-old about to be parted from her favourite doll.

“Excuse me?”

_This is it, Em. There's no going back. Breathe, just breathe._

She lifted her head and mirrored Spencer's action, sitting as confidently as possible even as her blood pressure went through the roof.

“I said, don't call her that.”

“I'll call that psycho whatever I damn well please. Why are you suddenly so protective of poor _Pigskin_?” She emphasised the name even more, trying to test Emily's resolve.

“She just doesn't deserve that. It's an awful name.”

It took a lot to shock Ali but this was getting her there. She had been convinced she'd still got Emily where she needed her. But now...was she losing her grip? She needed to change tack.

“Well I guess you always were one for lost causes. Waifs and strays. Is that your type Em?”

Emily felt the sudden shift in conversation like a boat that was listing and leaving her unsteady on her feet.

“What do you mean?” she said, a tremble in her voice which she was trying desperately to control.

“Well, we've never really established what kind of _guy_ you go for. Spencer here obviously goes for nerds. Aria loves the arty types. Hanna...well you're still working on loving yourself, right sweetie?”

Spencer gave Hanna her best understanding face as she tried to work out how to react to yet another Ali put down, settling on looking away and frowning, her teeth worrying her lower lip.

“But you,” Ali turned her full attention back to Emily. “You're a mystery. You never really talk about guys. What you like, what you don't. So come on, spill. We're all friends here.”

Ali smiled, her eyes glinting with menace.

_Shit Em, you're losing this round so badly. This was meant to be the easy part. How are you supposed to answer?_

“Emily likes the sporty types. It's perfectly obvious.”

Spencer Hastings. Knight in shining armour. Take a bow.

Emily found her voice finally and said: “Yeah, I mean, that way we'd have something in common.”

Ali looked from Spencer to Emily and back again. _Did they just double team me? That's...interesting._

She regained her composure quickly. “Well then, it sounds like we have similar tastes. Maybe my new basketball player could find someone for you and we could double date?”

“Ali, I'm really busy right now and with this new swim practice thing -”

“Everyone needs to blow off a little steam, Em. I'll call him tonight. I have to run, ciao everyone.”

And with that Ali stood and strutted away from the table, her heels clicking loudly on the floor as if announcing her presence to everyone who cared to listen.

Emily didn't know how to react. She'd managed to deflect talk away from Paige but instead focused Ali once again on her. She knew she was trying to test her but what choice did she have? Ali still had power over her and she knew it.

Aria spoke first. “Hey Em, what's wrong? A double date would be fun right? I mean, I had a pretty good time on Saturday.”

“Oh yeah?” said Spencer. “We didn't really hear your side of it, all we got was Ali's version.”

Aria looked uncertain for a second before saying: “Well, I mean, I didn't really see much of Ali. We got there, got some drinks and then she met that guy.”

There goes Spencer again with that eyebrow, thought Emily.

“So what did you do while she was off talking hoops with Mr Tall Dark and Handsome?” Spencer asked.

“Well I was chatting with some sorority girls. A couple of them are studying art so that was really fun.”

Spencer folded her arms and sat back in her chair.

“And you and Ali came home together?”

Aria suddenly looked more than uncomfortable under the piercing stare of Spencer Hastings, who was very quickly piecing together the night.

“Well she was with that guy and I didn't really know where she was so I just got cab home. Guys, should I have waited for her? Am I a bad friend?”

Spencer laughed, but it was a cold kind of laugh, bitter.

“Really Aria? She ditched you and you end up feeling guilty?”

Aria looked from one friend to another but found only similar expressions.

“I guess I...I didn't really think of it like that.”

“There's a lot of things we haven't been thinking about,” said Spencer.

Hanna and Aria exchanged glances before Emily spoke up again.

“Guys, it's fine. Let's just wait and see who she lines up for me okay?”

She gave Spencer a pointed look and got an almost imperceptible nod in response.

Now was not the time.

* * *

Paige had spent the day running scenarios through her head. What if her dad refused to let her train with Emily? What if he complained about Coach Fulton's methods? What if he still made her practice at home?

But the scenario Paige really couldn't deal with, the one she dreaded the most, was the one where he agreed. Because what then? How could she possibly get through so long by herself with Emily freakin' Fields? And not just once but over and over again.

She was coming out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. And what was Emily playing at? She'd been so nice to her the last couple of days, first at the lake and then at the pool. It was disconcerting. What were her motives? Was Alison using her to play Paige? Tempt her with Emily just to rip her away?

All these thoughts continued to swirl through her brain as she pedalled her bike up the driveway to her house. She jumped off and pushed it round into the backyard before walking over to the pool.

The water was like glass in the still late afternoon air and she stood at its edge, staring down at her perfect reflection.

She saw fear etched on her features. She loathed it. Hated the way it ate her up inside. The way it paralysed her. She wanted to look away, ignore what she saw in the water. But there was something else there that afternoon, something that she couldn't take her eyes off.

There was hope. Paige had felt it before. In coach's office. At lunch when she'd sat watching Emily and her friends and been mesmerised by the way her lips moved. At the lake. But she'd dismissed it. Pushed it away deep down into herself until she could barely feel it anymore.

But now she could see it in her own eyes and she couldn't look away. It was intoxicating and addictive, but completely terrifying. Paige knew how easy it would be to get lost in hope. To drown in it. But that's exactly what she would do – drown. She couldn't risk hope because if it was taken away, if it came to nothing, she might not survive.

She closed her eyes tightly, turned away and opened them again when she was facing the house. The thought of seeing her father was enough to banish the hope for a while, so convinced was she that he was about to rip into her about the Coach Fulton situation.

Trying to steady her breath, and having no idea what way she actually wanted the conversation with her father to go, she pushed open the back door and walked inside.

* * *

Two hours later and Paige was back lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling. _If I just lie here, just lie here very still, I can pretend there's nothing else but this room. These walls. This bed. This ceiling. If I stare at this ceiling, stare very hard, I'll blend in. Except...I can't. Being invisible, being a chameleon. It's not going to work anymore. Because starting tomorrow, Emily Fields is going to be my training partner. Thanks Nick, you sure picked a helluva time to start being reasonable._

Paige rolled over onto her side and stared at the picture on the opposite wall. It was one from the local newspaper that her mother had cut out and framed in a rare moment of pride. It was of Paige celebrating yet another win poolside with the team.

But Paige never looked at herself in the picture. She stared at the background. At the grainy fuzziness away from the real subject of the photo. There resided Emily Fields. It would be hard to pick her out if you hadn't been there yourself but Paige knew exactly where she was.

Emily had always been there on the edges. Just out of reach. Paige liked it that way. It didn't hurt so much.

But the lens was about to bring Emily Fields into full focus and Paige had no idea how she was going to cope.

 


	11. Chapter 11

****Morning swimming sessions. Most people on the team hated them. Hauling your ass out of bed at 5am isn't easy, let alone for a bunch of teenagers.

You had to be motivated. Determined. Focused. But still people whined about the early hour, about their lack of sleep, about how they'd had to miss the latest instalment of their favourite show because it was on too late.

Paige McCullers was different. In many ways. But specifically here, she was different because she loved being able to come to the pool so early. It was the rest of the day that was a problem for her, stretching endlessly ahead. Full of potential traps and stumbles.

Rising at 5am had never been a problem for her. Sure Mondays were hard, two blissful days free of Alison the Beast made it difficult to embrace the morning.

But once she'd got past the painful pierce of the alarm and set her sights on swimming, it got easier.

Now it was Tuesday and she was sitting on the edge of her bed pulling on socks and sneakers. She was eager to leave the house, as usual. Another great thing about early practice was that she didn't have to see her parents. She could eat her breakfast in peace at the counter, take her time over it. Normally she'd be bolting down her food just so she could get out of there. Even that was a tightrope walk – too fast and she'd get lectured on manners and have to slow down.

This Tuesday morning, though, Paige was tense. She was anxious to get in the pool, of course, but today she couldn't focus on that. All she could think about was what was to come after. Classes, avoiding Ali, lunch, more classes, more avoiding. And then the hardest part. Emily. Her stomach rolled at the mere thought of her. Ironic that the girl who haunted her dreams – awake and asleep – could leave her feeling so sick at this moment.

Paige had been getting by. Just. Being shuttered off – whether by her own design or that of others – had protected her. She wanted nothing more than to spend time with Emily but the thought also tore her insides apart. Why taunt yourself with something you could never have? It was like sticking a chocolate cake in front of a dieter and telling them to enjoy looking at it but they couldn't have a slice.

Now her school day was going to be bookended by Fields. It had started to get harder to lose herself in swimming, had been taking longer for that familiar calm to begin washing over her. Now she feared it was going to disappear for good. And then what? She pushed her chair back, the feet scraping on the wooden floor and bringing her back to the moment. She dumped her dishes in the sink, grabbed her bag and took a deep breath. She had no choice. _Suck it up, McCullers._

* * *

Emily had never jumped out of bed as quickly as she did on Tuesday morning. Her alarm had gone off at 5am as usual but for once she didn't groan and hit snooze. In fact, she looked like one of those perfect high school students whose smile gleamed as they joyfully hopped out of bed to feast on the latest nutritious cereal, on sale now at an introductory price!

She hummed to herself as she got ready, taming her mane of raven hair, grabbing her clothes, making her breakfast. She was in a hurry to start her day this morning and for once wasn't running late. She enjoyed lazy breakfasts with her mom on weekends and in truth she could have taken her time and eased into this day too. But Emily Fields was too excited. It was strange, she thought. All these things going on in her life. The Ali situation. Learning to trust her friends. Her sexuality. It was...a lot. But at the same time, she'd never felt lighter. Like that moment when you lie on your back in the pool, spread wide your limbs and just float. Shedding your fears and worries like a second skin. Yes, Emily felt weightless. Standing up to Ali was scary as hell but just as exhilarating. But best of all, she was starting to feel like herself again.

That meant being the person Paige needed her to be. She wasn't sure when she had become so focused on the other girl's wellbeing. Obviously the realisation of what she was doing to herself was the final push for Emily to do something. But she was seeing – or maybe acknowledging – that it had started before then. That Paige had always been on the edges of her thoughts, not quite in focus but still there.

_Emily was nervous. Freshman year of high school. First day of swim practice. Honestly, it didn't get much worse. She felt like she wanted to be sick._

_Her hands shook as she tried to fit everything into her locker, dropping her sneakers in the scramble. Reaching down to pick them up, she managed to lose control of the rest of her belongings. Resting her head on the cool metal in front of her she let out an exasperated sigh._

_Just then she heard a soft chuckle two lockers down. She looked over to see a fellow swimmer mirroring her actions. “These things can be pretty tricky, right? I just go for the 'close my eyes and shove' approach.”_

_Emily smiled shyly and turned her attention back to her belongings, bending down to retrieve them from the floor._

“ _Here, let me help you.” That voice again. Warm, friendly, a little husky._

_Emily turned her head to see the girl already gathering up armfuls of her stuff. She met her dark brown eyes with her own._ She's kind, _thought Emily, before the other girl looked away and focused on the task at hand._

_Emily spoke first. “So you're a freshman, too?”_

_She watched as the girl rammed all her stuff into the locker and quickly slammed the door before it could fall out, turning to face her then._

“ _Yeah, I'm Paige. Paige McCullers,” she said, sticking out her hand by way of greeting._

_Emily took it, shaking it firmly._ Warm. Like her voice. _“Emily Fields.”_

“ _And what do you swim, Emily Fields?”_

“ _Freestyle mainly. Some fly. What about you?”_

“ _Same actually. Looks like we'll be rivals as well as teammates,” she said, with a tiny gleam in her eye._

_Emily grinned back. “Looks that way.”_

“ _Come on,” said Paige enthusiastically. “We'd better hurry. Don't wanna be late for practice on our first day.”_

Emily hadn't thought about that moment in so long she'd almost forgotten it had happened. The memory was intriguing. How her pulse had quickened a little at the interaction with this brown-eyed stranger. How she'd felt shy under her gaze but also...calm somehow. It was a memory but Emily felt like she was experiencing it for the first time. Paige was so different back then. She remembered feeling at ease as they walked into practice, Paige's smile open and broad. She'd thought it could be the start of something. A good friendship maybe. _How did we get here?_ Some time over the course of those first few months in high school, things had changed. The gleam in Paige's eyes had died. She became aggressive and ultra competitive at practice, inevitably pushing people away. The breezy and bright girl Emily had met that first day just vanished.

By that time Emily was already infatuated with Ali. She hadn't noticed the change in Paige until it was too late. And by then, well she was too focused on her burgeoning feelings – and problems – to do anything about it. Still, she'd watched Paige from a distance. Wondering where that intriguing freshman had gone. Watching as she tried to get some semblance of herself back. Always failing, always trying again that little bit harder. Until one day, she just stopped.

Emily gathered up her belongings and headed for the door. This had gone on long enough. She wanted to see that girl again and she was determined to make it happen.

* * *

Emily stepped into the locker room and straight into the hustle and bustle of the early morning atmosphere. Girls were tearing backwards and forwards in various states of readiness. At the centre, like the calm in the middle of a storm, was Paige. She sat on a bench in front of her locker adjusting her goggles, seemingly oblivious to what was going on around her. Already in the zone, Emily thought, smiling to herself.

She weaved her way in and out of the swimmers and made her way to where Paige was sitting. “Morning!” she said brightly, putting her bag down and opening her locker.

“Hey,” Paige answered without looking up.

_Keep your game face on, Emily. You knew this wasn't going to be easy._

“I'm feeling good today, McCullers. I might even give you a run for your money.”

“Maybe you will.” Her voice was flat, distant. Emily felt as though she was talking to a robot.

_Maybe she's just tired. Not sleeping or something. I shouldn't push her too hard with extra practice starting today._

In the time that Emily had taken to decide she should back off a little, Paige had gone, heading for the pool.

Emily sighed, grabbed her swim cap and goggles and followed the rest of the girls to practice.

* * *

Paige hauled herself out of the pool, breathing deep and fast. She'd pushed herself hard, given everything. It was the only way she knew to bring herself back to some semblance of normality. Enough to get through the day. She looked up to see coach gesturing to her, Emily standing alongside her. Paige let the smallest smile pass her lips as she thought of how well Emily had swum today, walking over to the pair as she did so.

“McCullers, Fields. You're all set for after school?”

“Yes coach,” said Emily with enthusiasm as Paige nodded.

“Good. I need you both to make sure you're not overdoing it. I want you push each other but not kill each other. Got it?”

“Yes coach,” the girls replied in unison.

“Okay, so I want you to mix it up – alternate 50m swims with 25m sprints. I want you to be able to still have an extra gear to go up at the end of races. I'm not worried about times – just measure yourself against each other.”

_This is going to be interesting. McCullers will bust a gut to beat me every time._

“Okay, get out of here. We've got just over a week til the meet against Ravenswood and I want to see some big improvements.”

Paige and Emily headed for the locker room, Paige once again with her head down, deep in concentration.

“Wow, Coach Fulton can be super intense, right?” said Emily.

“She just wants us to do well. I don't mind the hard work.”

“Yeah of course, I mean, me either.”

Paige looked up and nodded in Emily's direction before opening her locker, grabbing her stuff and heading for the shower.

Emily groaned internally. This was going to be a long day.

* * *

Morning classes dragged for both girls as the tiredness from the swimming session took its toll and they attempted to focus on the task at hand.

Lunchtime rolled around as a welcome distraction and opportunity to refuel. Emily arrived at the girls' table with a tray stacked high with food, which Hanna eyed enviously as she sat down next to her. “Jeez Em, appetite much?”

“Hey, I've earned it. Some of us have been up since 5am and at practice since 6am.”

“I was still dreaming about Ryan Reynolds right about then,” Hanna said with a giggle.

“The Proposal has warped your mind,” said Spencer from behind her biology book with a smirk.

“The Proposal? I didn't know you'd seen that. I thought we were all going to watch it next movie night,” said Ali, her forehead crinkled in a frown.

Hanna gulped and looked first at Emily then Spencer, who had placed the book on the table now and was looking at Ali.

“She hasn't. But the trailer has already got her drooling, right Han?”

Hanna gave a weak smile. “Yeah right, I mean he's just so dreamy even for those few seconds.”

Ali looked between the three girls. She couldn't be sure but she was beginning to suspect there was more going on than just a fit of conscience for Emily. Hanna was the world's worst liar and was demonstrating it perfectly right now.

“Hey, you guys never told us what you got up to when me and Aria were off at Hollis,” said Ali coolly, her eyebrows raised in question.

“Studying.” All three answered at the same time. And all three instantly knew it would look suspicious.

Ali's eyes narrowed but she resolved to let it pass for the moment. It was enough for now to know that they had been together - that much was obvious. It was another unwelcome development in what was rapidly becoming a pattern. Ali needed to start putting plans into action.

She turned on her most charming smile and addressed the smallest person of the group. “Aria, I need to drop by the library before class – walk with me?”

“Oh, sure Ali,” said Aria, rapidly packing up her stuff and discarding her unfinished lunch. She'd eaten enough, anyway, she supposed.

As the two walked away, Hanna let out a ragged breath and immediately went into panic mode.

“Guys, she knows. What are we gonna do?”

Spencer placed her arms flat on the table and looked at Hanna with warmth. “We're not going to do anything. We did nothing wrong.”

“Then why did we lie?” Hanna was showing no signs of calming down.

“She's got a point there, Spence.”

“Look, she's got no reason to bring it up again, we've given her an answer. Just try and forget about it, okay Han?”

She reached over and gave the blonde's hand a reassuring squeeze, before shooting a look in Emily's direction. _H_ e _lp me out here, Fields._

“Y'know what, Spencer's right. It's nothing. Ali will have forgotten about it already.”

“Ya think?”

“I know. Now finish your lunch before the bell rings.”

Hanna smiled and went back to her salad, feeling a little better for the comforting words from her friends.

She wasn't really sure what was going on with the other two but she knew there was something. She knew they didn't suspect she could tell but she wasn't dumb. She'd known since Saturday, the way they'd been whispering, the tension in the car, even the very fact that they'd spent the day and night together.

And then there was the thing at lunch yesterday when Emily stood up to Ali. It had been scary. Hanna hated the tension, hated the sudden change in Ali. She was happy it wasn't because of her but she was worried for Em. Why had she done that? Hanna really didn't know much about Paige McCullers. She supposed Emily knew her a little better but she'd never seen them have a conversation. It was weird though, she'd never told Ali to stop calling her Hefty Hanna. The thought saddened her but she didn't blame Emily. It had never crossed her mind to step out of line so why should she expect any different from her friend? _Expect nothing, Han, and you won't be disappointed._

* * *

The sounding of the final bell of the day filled Paige with dread. This was it. There was no running, no hiding. Just the possibility she might be able to swim her way through this hour and escape intact. _Yeah, fat chance McCullers._

She walked out of her classroom intent on using the few minutes walk to the natatorium to talk herself into some semblance of relaxation but someone was waiting for her.

“Hey! I was walking past and I remembered you had class here so I figured I'd wait and we could walk together.”

_Godammit, Emily. Why do you have to be so sweet?_

Paige opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out so she shut it again and simply nodded, her face a study in awkwardness.

Emily fixed her own smile in place and pressed on. _She's just a really tough nut. Brazil or...what are those ones that look like brains? Walnuts! Yeah, she's a walnut._

“Do you like nuts?” _Oh sweet lord, let the ground open up and swallow me._

“What?”

“I...err...I just wondered if you like nuts. They're super high in protein and energy, so really good to have before practice.”

Paige was looking at her like she was a crazy person. _At least she's looking at me._

“Sure, yeah. I go nuts for nuts.” _What the- ?_

Emily giggled and Paige nearly fell over her own feet at the sound. Knowing it was because of something she'd said. Just like that, a chink in the wall around her appeared and while the light was tiny, just a pinprick, the heat from it radiated across her body.

She regained her composure and straightened up. _One foot in front of the other. You can do this. Oh god, I so can't do this._

* * *

When Emily walked out to the pool, Paige was already going through her warm-up routine. Stretching out her muscles, loosening her limbs. Emily kept a respectful distance and went through her own exercises.

As Emily finished up Paige took the opportunity to take off her warm-up suit and slip into the water. She didn't want to hang around exposed when she was the only one for Emily to focus on.

She ducked under the water, letting its coolness spread across her skin. It felt good to be back here especially when it was so quiet, so empty. Almost empty.

A splash interrupted her thoughts as Emily dived into the pool, surfacing a few feet away and swimming back to where Paige was leaning against the wall.

She dipped her head back into the water, letting her face disappear for a second before re-emerging and settling her eyes on Paige.

She smiled shyly and said: “So do you wanna get started?”

Paige blinked, momentarily mesmerised. “Yeah, yes. 50m race first, right? Do you want to get out and do it properly or just start from here?”

“Let's just go for it. Ease in slow.” Emily smiled again and Paige felt like she wouldn't be able to swim one metre let alone 50. _Get it together._

She cleared her throat. “Okay, on three...”

* * *

Nearly an hour later and the girls were flagging. The racing and sprints had really taken their toll and it was beginning to show in their form.

As the pair finished their final repetition, Emily ripped off her swim cap and goggles and threw them on the side. Again she dipped her head back but this time her hair fanned out behind her, the dark locks in stark contrast to the clear blue of the pool.

Paige tried not to stare. She tried but really, it was impossible. She'd seen Emily in the pool before, of course, but she had always been someone in the crowd. Paige could always pick her out, but it didn't take long for her to be hidden by other bodies. Now it was just the two of them and there was only one place Paige wanted to look. She cursed herself for the weakness – just this morning she had been able to brush Emily off with her abruptness. Keep her distance.

But now. Now she was like Supergirl swimming in a pool with her kryptonite. Her resolve slowly weakening, the pain of longing getting thicker in her chest.

Emily looked across at her and smiled. It was a wide, easy smile. Before she'd had to force her face to move in order to try and appear friendly. But the physical exertion of the session and the camaraderie it had forged had swept away any tension for Emily. Swept her back to that moment when she met Paige for the first time.

She hauled herself up on to the side of the pool and sat with her feet dangling in the water, looking in Paige's direction and silently urging her to do the same. Her face appeared unsure but her body seemed to be taking control and she found herself mirroring Emily's position before she had time to consider the action.

Emily spoke first, of course. “You were amazing today. I don't know how you keep going.”

Paige dipped her head and turned away from Emily slightly. She'd taken off her cap and goggles too, her face now hidden from Emily by her hair so she never saw the smile that appeared there.

“Thanks, you weren't so bad yourself, Fields,” she said, finally turning back to Emily, the smile now gone as she attempted to regain control.

“Well you've given me something to aim for, I guess,” Emily said as she looked out across the water.

Several moments passed as they sat in silence, two pairs of feet slipping silently backwards and forwards in the water.

This time, it was Paige who spoke first. “Why do you like swimming?”

Emily crinkled her forehead in thought, smiling slightly.

“I guess I like...being myself. In the water, it's just me. No having to be something I'm not.”

Paige looked across at her. She wanted to ask when she had to pretend. When she wasn't herself. But she didn't have the courage.

Instead she looked back at the water.

“I feel like that too,” she said, her voice small in the cavernous expanse they sat in. “Like everything slips away once I'm swimming. I can just be Paige. Answer just to me.”

“It's obvious how much you love to swim.”

Paige's feet stilled as she pondered Emily's comment. Wondered whether she should answer with the truth.

“I used to love it. Now I don't know. It's just something I have to do. Because if I don't...”

Her voice trailed off and Emily heard the pain there, its rawness a surprise.

“Paige-” Emily reached out but Paige was already up and moving.

“I have to go, I'll see you in the morning Emily.”

Hurrying to the locker room, she felt the beating of her heart louder than at the end of any race. The thrum of her body matching its rhythm. Paige had never felt so alive.

Or so utterly terrified.

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

Paige tapped her pen repeatedly on her text book. Her leg kept the same rhythm below the desk, her knee almost hitting its underside with each movement. She chewed the inside of her lip as she glanced yet again at the clock.

_Two minutes to go._

Paige was an excellent student. Yes, her standards had slipped from potential valedictorian heights but she still made great grades and was conscientious in class.

But today was different. Paige wanted to get out of that class so badly she could taste it.

_One minute to go._

Paige wondered how she had let this happen. Wasn't it just yesterday that she'd given herself a good talking to about one Emily Fields? _It was a good talk, too. I made some excellent points about hope being crushed. Something about chocolate and temptation. Now here I am willing the clock to go faster._

_Five...four...three...two...one..._

Paige was packed up and out the door before the bell had barely finished ringing. There was a spring in her step that had been absent for she didn't know how long. Her eyes sparkled with excitement. Her heart was beating fast.

Pushing through the doors into the locker room, the familiar smell of chlorine hit her nose and travelled into her lungs and gave her that instant calm she was always longing for.

But no sooner had it washed through her than she was back where she started again as her eyes landed on Emily. She was dressed in jeans and a white V-neck shirt, her long hair flowing freely down her back. She had arrived just a few seconds earlier and was opening her locker ready to change.

Paige was rooted to the spot. Barely breathing. A lesson in stillness apart from the insistent banging of her heart. She didn't know why she was suddenly more affected by Emily than usual. She'd always managed to at least come across as a functional human being. But now things were different. Now she had sat with Emily at the pool. She had let her feet edge closer to hers with each swing through the water. She had felt the heat from the body just inches from hers. Like sitting next to a window on a sunny day and only one side of you feeling the burn of the sun's rays.

This was exactly what she had been afraid would happen. She needed to be better at hiding her feelings. She needed to try and distance herself, find the aloof Paige she had become adept at playing. She needed to-

_Oh god, she's taking off her shirt. You have to move. NOW. Look somewhere else. She's going to see. Look at the floor. Okay, good. Now one foot in front of the other._

Paige somehow managed to get her body moving, never raising her gaze from the floor as she walked past Emily to her own locker.

“Hey!” Emily said brightly as she realised Paige was there. “How were your classes today?”

Paige swallowed, desperately trying to find some moisture in a mouth that had gone arid.

“Good. Thanks,” she managed to get out.

Emily turned, concern crinkling her forehead. “You sound croaky. Are you okay?”

Before Paige had time to take evasive action, Emily had walked to her side and was laying her hand on Paige's forehead.

_Oh god...oh god...oh god_

“You feel really warm, do you think you're getting sick? Your cheeks are flushed too...”

_Stop talking, for the love of all that's holy._

Paige finally managed to regain enough composure to take a step back from Emily and clear her throat.

_Okay cool down. Concentrate on ice-cream. Waterfalls. Snow. Cold showers on hot days. Yeah I could use one of those right about now._

“I'm fine!” Paige said, a little too loudly.

“I just raced over here so we could get started quickly. Hence the hotness,” she said, gesturing vaguely at her face. _Oh my god you didn't just say that._

Emily was smirking at her with one raised eyebrow like a question mark and Paige was at a complete loss as to what to say.

She decided the best option was to stare at the floor again, keeping her head low as she began to get ready for their session.

Emily turned her attention back to her own locker, the look of amusement still dancing the edges of her features. She wasn't sure what was going on but Paige had definitely been different these past couple of days. In truth, she hadn't dared to hope for such progress so quickly. Paige wasn't an open book just yet but Emily felt like she was getting somewhere.

She finished getting changed and suddenly felt an uncomfortable prickling at her neck. Paige was still changing and she didn't want to invade her privacy by just turning to wait for her. But would going out to the pool seem rude? She never had to worry about this when the whole area was bustling with people but it was totally different when it was just the two of them.

She settled for some reorganisation of the contents of her locker in the hope that Paige wouldn't take too long.

For her part, Paige was wondering why Emily hadn't just gone out to the pool and was getting more and more flustered by her presence. She sensed Emily was stalling and the clumsiness that followed was no surprise to her. Goggles and shampoo and all manner of random locker items suddenly came tumbling out onto the floor.

Emily poked her head around the door of her locker to see Paige on the floor attempting to gather up her belongings as quickly as possible. She smiled, locked her door and walked over, bending down to help Paige.

“So, this is quite the role reversal,” she said.

Paige, who was doing an impressive impression of a beetroot, looked over quizzically.

Emily's brow creased slightly, though a slight smile still toyed with the corners of her mouth. “Don't you remember? The first time we met?”

Paige swallowed. Told herself to do what she needed to do. The situation was getting out of hand.

“No, I don't.”

But Paige was lying. She would never forget that day. It was branded on her soul like the tattoo of a map that led to her heart.

_Paige was excited. Freshman year of high school. First day of swim practice. Honestly, it didn't get much better. She felt like she was on top of the world._

_She was just finishing up with packing her stuff away in her locker when she heard a commotion two doors down. Peeking out from around her open door, she saw a girl resting her head on the metal of the lockers in exasperation._

_She let out a soft chuckle, causing the girl to look over. That was all it took. One look. She didn't recognise it then for what it was back then but from that moment, Paige McCullers was a goner._

“ _These things can be pretty tricky, right? I just go for the 'close my eyes and shove' approach.”_

_The girl smiled shyly and turned her attention back to her belongings, bending down to retrieve them from the floor. Paige couldn't fathom what she had to be shy about but it made her want to take the initiative, put her at ease._

“ _Here, let me help you.”_ Be friendly.

 _The girl turned her head to see Paige already gathering up armfuls of her stuff. She met her dark brown eyes with her own. Paige couldn't explain why but she looked away, a faint blush tainting her skin._ This is weird. I'm not normally this nervous about making friends.

_And then the other girl spoke. “So you're a freshman, too?”_

_Paige rammed all her stuff into the locker and quickly slammed the door before it could fall out, turning to face her then._

“ _Yeah, I'm Paige. Paige McCullers,” she said, sticking out her hand by way of greeting._ Nice firm grip, Paige. That's what good old Nick says will make a good impression.

 _The girl took it, shaking it firmly._ Her dad must have told her the same thing. _“Emily Fields.”_

“ _And what do you swim, Emily Fields?”_

“ _Freestyle mainly. Some fly. What about you?”_

“ _Same actually. Looks like we'll be rivals as well as teammates,” Paige said._ And friends, I hope.

_Emily grinned back. “Looks that way.”_

“ _Come on,” said Paige enthusiastically. “We'd better hurry. Don't wanna be late for practice on our first day.”_

At the time, Paige was sure she was just excited about making a new friend. There was that thrill, that rush of something new. Of possibilities.

But it hadn't taken her long to suspect it meant something else. Something more. So she pushed it down within herself. Locked it up and threw away the key as far as she could. Because by then, Emily Fields was an impossibility.

Now though. Now Paige had unlocked the secret and let it out. Not into the world, but into _her_ world. It would never fit back inside the secret space she had inside her. Every day it was growing in time with the swelling of her heart at each second she spent with Emily.

She now knew that was the day her whole world started to shift. It was like standing on a beach at low tide, sure-footed. The sand firm beneath her feet. Then slowly as the ocean crept closer and closer, the grains began to shift around her toes, leaving her unsteady until now, at high tide, she was struggling to keep her head clear of the waves, desperately treading water to survive. She longed for the tide to recede again. Take with it all her fear, all her pain, wash it away into the deepest part of the ocean.

But she often wondered, what would be left? Would the buffering of the ocean have worn away at her like it did the cliffs at the shoreline? A gentle erosion. Slow, steady, but just as devastating.

Or would the reshaping, the attrition of fear, reshape her into a better self? Leaner. Braver. Stronger.

No. She couldn't imagine that. Couldn't imagine anything other than the constant movement of her legs below water as she tried to stay afloat.

And now here was Emily. Remembering their first meeting like it was important. Looking disappointed that she didn't recall it. She felt like she was suffocating but at the same time she revelled in the moment. Revelled in the fact that Emily seemed to actually care about what must surely have been an insignificant moment for her.

And then the world rushed back in and Paige felt the familiar undertow tugging at her toes. She turned her back to Emily and headed for the pool. “C'mon Fields, we've got work to do.”

Emily watched her back as it disappeared around the corner, an exasperated sigh leaving her body as she followed.

* * *

Despite the swirling whirlpool of emotions that was going on inside the girls, the extra session went well.

If there was one thing they both knew how to do, it was swim, and swim well.

Paige noticed that Emily was already improving. It was slight – it was only their second session after all – but it was a good sign that she'd started shaving off a few milliseconds.

It made Paige feel proud. It was an unfamiliar emotion for her. It had been so long since she felt it about herself that she barely knew what it was like.

But watching the way Emily moved through the water, the effortless action of her technique, the way she eagerly glanced across the lane to see how she'd done – it all added up to a swelling in Paige's chest at the commitment she was showing.

Emily, in turn, was feeling pretty good. She could tell her technique was spot on. Her action through the water felt so natural. Like she was born to do it. She was pretty sure two sessions couldn't have made the difference. In fact, she was certain. She did know what could have made the difference though.

She felt...lighter. More sure of herself. She had actually stood up to Ali. She had no idea where she'd found the courage but she'd done it and it felt amazing and frightening all at once. It was just one step but it was in the right direction. Plus, she had Spencer. Strong, clever, dedicated Spencer. Their fledgling bond may have been forged over one fraught and emotional car journey but it was no less strong for that. She finally felt like she had someone to count on. It was empowering. Yes, there was a long way to go to navigate themselves out of this thorny maze of their own making. But Emily had never felt more sure she could make it out the other side. And that hope, that positivity, seemed to be translating into her swimming. She was swimming with a smile inside and that sure did make for good times.

What she needed to do now was to be to Paige what Spencer had been to her. She needed to show her she was on her side.

As the session came to an end, Emily once again pulled herself up on to the side of the pool and waited for Paige to join her.

The other girl seemed to hesitate slightly, as if at war with herself. Eventually she swam to the edge and hauled herself out, settling down a safe distance away from Emily.

This time, Paige spoke first, much to her own shock. “Two sessions in and you're already improving.”

A shy smile emerged unbidden and settled at the corners of her mouth as she looked at Emily from under her eyelashes.

Emily grinned widely. “Did I hear right? Was that a compliment, McCullers?”

Paige looked down and fiddled with the straps on her goggles. Looking at Emily, meeting her eyes, was so hard. She could only do it for so long before she needed to cast her gaze away.

“Maybe,” she said under her breath.

Emily shook her head slightly, smiling.

Paige looked up again, ready to take another go at meeting Emily's gaze. “What do you think is different?”

Emily frowned. “What do you mean?”

Paige glanced away briefly – _regroup!_ – then back to her practice partner.

She cleared her throat, suddenly uncertain. “I mean...what's different about your swimming? You haven't made any stroke adjustments- ”

“You know my stroke rate?” Emily's head was doing that thing again where it lent to one side, her face quizzical. Like looking at Paige from a different angle would help her figure out the equation she couldn't make sense of in her head. _Why would she know my stroke rate?_

Paige's breathing had instantly sped up as she tried to think of an answer. _'Of course I know your stroke rate. I also know you lose a little time at your turns cos you're a fraction too far away from the wall. And that your right arm comes out of the water higher than your left.'_

Paige said none of these things of course. Instead she looked back at her goggles. Fidgeted slightly in place. Blinked a little too furiously.

“Coach mentioned it one time. She said we both have the same stroke rate. It's how I remembered. Cos it's mine too. And it's still the same as mine. So it hasn't changed.” _Stop talking. Just. Stop. Talking._

Emily smiled indulgently. A smile that spread across her whole face and seemed to warm her from the inside out. It was unexpected and again she shook her head in humour. _She's such a dork. It's kind of...adorable._

This time Paige hadn't had time to look away in self-preservation and the action hit her like an electric shock to the chest. The way Emily's hair swished from side to side as she moved her head, the light shimmering up and down in waves. The way her shoulders moved gently in time with the ebb and flow of her laughter, the taut muscles flexing and relaxing, flexing and relaxing.

And the smile. Oh that smile. Paige felt it crash across her and the impact damn near took her breath away. She could look at that smile forever and a day and it still wouldn't be long enough. It was beauty and sunshine and sea and sky and...and it was for her. Paige had somehow managed to make her smile that magnificent smile for _her_. It was dizzying and bewildering and oh, so wonderfully thrilling.

Somehow, Paige managed to move her gaze from Emily's lips to her eyes and found Emily was still staring back at her. It felt to Emily like time stopped for a moment. She saw something in Paige's eyes. Something she'd seen that day in the locker room. It was tiny and fragile and any sudden movement would scare it away.

But it was there.

A spark.

Emily smiled again and, deliberately this time, Paige didn't look away. Instead she felt a smile spread across her own face. Not shy or uncertain. A genuine smile. One that reached her eyes and turned up the light in that spark just a little.

Emily felt like she'd been given a gift she had no idea she'd wanted so much. It was so...unexpected. _But unexpected can be good, right?_

Eventually Paige looked away, turning her attention to the water in the hope it would have its usual calming effect on her. Her toes danced in the water, the nervous energy sending little ripples out across the pool.

Emily spoke then. Remembering Paige's question.

“You're right, I haven't changed my stroke. Or anything about my technique.”

“So what's changed?”

Emily swallowed.

“I have.”

It was barely a whisper. Barely a confession. Barely there. She hadn't meant to say those words but she felt so calm, here by the pool, in Paige's company. She felt open. She felt honest.

Though they were quiet words, Paige heard the heaviness within them. She didn't think twice about turning to face Emily, lifting one leg up to bend under the other so she could focus on her properly. If she had been able to see herself in that moment, she would have been surprised to witness two things. Firstly, that she had focused herself so fully on Emily without a thought and secondly that she had exposed her scars in a way she had never done before, again without realising.

But Paige didn't see. She saw only Emily, who was now the one with her head turned slightly to the side to hide her face.

Paige started to reach her hand out but it never got further than her own knee, where she let it drop, defeated.

Instead she settled for a soft “hey” that got Emily's attention and caused her to look back.

Paige didn't speak again. Her face spoke for her. And Emily answered.

“I guess...I haven't really felt like myself for a while. Like I've been living someone else's life and I didn't really like who that person was.”

Paige's eyes widened. She knew she needed to say something supportive, something wise, but she couldn't find the words. Emily was there beside her, opening up to her, and Paige had no idea how to react.

Emily let her eyes fall on her feet in the water. Still and otherworldly under the surface. Alien to the rest of her almost, pale and ghostly.

“Do you ever feel like that? Like you've become something you could never have imagined?”

Paige breathed in sharply. _Yes. All the time._

Nervousness caused her to shift her eyes to her lap and she suddenly realised her mistake. _The scars._ Quickly moving back to her old position, she crossed her arms and lent forward so they were resting on her thighs.

Emily said nothing but she noticed the way Paige shielded her legs. The way her posture turned defensive. Maybe this was moving too fast. She needed to give her an out.

She reached out, tentatively, to rest her hand lightly on Paige's shoulder. It was still warm from the exertions of the pool and while Emily's fingers barely grazed the skin, it felt smooth and strong beneath them.

She waited for Paige to flinch or pull away but she didn't. Instead she seemed to relax under Emily's featherlight touch. Almost imperceptibly, she moved closer.

Still she looked away. Looking at Emily would be too much. Would crack her open so wide in this moment that she might not be able to put herself back together again.

Emily spoke softly, carefully.

“It's ok. You don't have to answer. I just...I need you to know that if you ever want to - answer that is - I'm here.”

Paige closed her eyes and let herself feel the smoothness of Emily's fingers pressing lightly on her skin. Let the words register. It was unexpected. _Can unexpected be good?_

Even though she felt like she couldn't speak in that moment, she felt...safe. Calm. _Is this what's like? To have a friend? Someone who cares?_

She looked back at Emily, unsmiling and yet peaceful. When she spoke, her voice was husky, thick with emotion.

“Thankyou, Emily.”

And then she stood, instantly missing the feel of Emily's hand on her shoulder, and walked into the locker room.

Emily stayed seated, dazed. Slowly tracing the palm of her left hand with her right, wondering why it still tingled under her fingertips.

 

 

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

****Paige bent down to unlock her bike, fixed the chain around the handlebars and set off for home.

About 10 minutes down the street she realised she was still pushing the bike instead of riding it. She looked around her and wondered how she'd got there, not even remembering coming out of the locker room let alone starting the journey to her house.

She leant her bike against the railing of the park she was walking past and sank to the ground, sitting cross-legged on the floor.

All the energy had seeped from her body and she was having trouble functioning.

It wasn't because of swimming practice of course. Paige could handle the physical exertion of a tough session with ease.

This was something different. An emotional drain that she just wasn't used to. Of course she had her run-ins with her parents like any teenager, the choppy waters made further difficult to navigate by the expectations they placed on her.

But those encounters generally left her with anger coursing through her veins. Or a nervous tension. Certainly, she would be amped up afterwards.

This though. This was new. The moment she'd shared with Emily had left her exhausted. Dumbfounded. If a passerby had asked her name at that moment, she wasn't sure she'd know the answer.

She pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged them tightly to her, resting her chin atop them.

Just a moment to regroup. That's all she needed. She breathed in deeply, then puffed her cheeks and let it back out slowly. _Yeah, it's gonna take longer than a moment to process this._

She unzipped her jacket and slipped her hand inside, touching her right shoulder reverently. She closed her eyes and remembered how Emily's fingers had felt when they had been there not so long ago. She remembered how she'd leaned in without a thought, without any way of stopping herself even if she'd wanted to. How the warmth from Emily's hand had spread like wildfire throughout her whole body. How she'd wanted to stay like that. Cocooned from the world. Just...feeling.

She knew she should have found a way to talk to Emily. The girl had opened up to her and she hadn't known what to do. It was such uncharted territory for her. It had been so long since she'd had a friend. Even back in junior high, while she'd been well-liked, she'd never found someone special like the other kids. Nick McCullers had already started to tailor her whole life to swimming success and she rarely had time for trips to the movies or the mall. So while she was considered funny and kind by the other students, they all formed their own little groups while Paige was swimming laps and she was never able to break in once they had.

That's why high school had been such an exciting proposition for her. It was like starting fresh, reinventing herself. Everyone would be on the same rung of the ladder and Paige was determined not to get left behind this time.

And it had all started off so well. She'd enjoyed her classes, her teachers seemed cool, and the swim program at Rosewood was really highly thought of.

And, of course, there was Emily. It had been like a dream meeting her that day at swim practice. Paige had immediately thought she was just the kind of person she could see herself being friends with. A swimmer, so they had something in common. Kind of shy, like she could be. Sort of a klutz – Paige could definitely relate to that. She felt like the planets had aligned to drop Emily in her lap.

For the first few days, they'd talk in between classes, discuss the previous day before swim practice. It was easy, natural. Paige felt like she was finally fitting in to the world.

But it was still hard for her to take that next step. That moment where you put yourself out there with a new friendship. _Hey, wanna study at mine after school? Wanna catch a movie this weekend?_

Paige's father had everything about her life regimented. How much sleep she needed. What she ate. How often she trained and when. So while she desperately wanted to make plans with Emily, she just didn't know how.

And little by little, inch by inch, she felt Emily drifting away like a boat without an anchor, gently pulled from shore by the tide. She watched as she grew in confidence. Stopping here and there as she navigated little islands of students, seemingly on speaking terms with everyone in their year.

More and more she seemed to linger when she came across one group of girls. Spencer Hastings was there. She knew her from field hockey. She was a formidable player with a stubborn streak and a steely disposition. Paige liked her. Very much in fact. She saw a lot of herself in Spencer and thought they could be friends.

Emily knew her too, she figured, as a fellow athlete, and Spencer seemed to be her way in to the group. She watched from afar as Emily was welcomed, encouraged to walk with them. Join them for lunch.

Paige felt the hope slowly start to leave her over the course of the next few weeks. She and Emily still talked at swim practice but all her spare time was spent with her new friends. Paige could often be seen watching from afar, taking a little too long over her locker, walking a little too slowly past their lunch table. Hoping Emily would invite her over.

To most people it wouldn't mean anything. High school students are notoriously self-involved, each obsessed with their own fears and aspirations.

But as is usual with these things, someone noticed. And that someone was Alison DiLaurentis.

The thing was, Alison saw more than even Paige knew was there. She saw the slight blush on Paige's cheeks when Emily looked her way and smiled. Saw the way she stumbled over her own feet when she saw Emily approaching. Saw the longing as she watched their table at lunch, while she mostly sat alone.

Ali had already worked out Emily's secret from the way she looked at the blonde and she was gently nurturing her growing infatuation.

But she saw something else when Emily looked at Paige. Something deeper. A fondness that she found disquieting. The advantage she had was that neither one of the pair seemed to have a clue what it meant or that the other had similar feelings.

One day, Ali was emerging from the library when she spotted Paige and Emily leaving swim practice together. Both were smiling broadly as they dissected the day's performances, sharing inside jokes and knocking shoulders as they walked.

It wasn't the first time Alison's eyes narrowed as she watched the two of them but she was determined it would be the last. Her plan was hastily formed but ruthless.

For Paige, the memory of the day was branded to her skin. Just another scar that spoke of fear and loss and pain. But of all her scars – physical and mental – this was one of the hardest to bear.

_Paige was in her element. She'd just swum one of the best times recorded by a freshman in the history of Rosewood and here she was walking and talking with Emily Fields. She felt light as a feather, like she was floating on a river of possibility, its course true and strong. Maybe she could have a place in her life after all. If she could just convince her dad to loosen his grip a little. Maybe she'd ask her to come over after school later in the week. She could tell Nick they had a project to do together._

“ _Emily!”_

_Paige looked up to see one of Emily's friends walking towards them. Well, gliding really. She'd heard a lot about her – Alison DiLaurentis. She was a freshman like them but she was fast developing a reputation as a queen bee. Just the kind of girl that brought Paige out in a cold sweat._

“ _Hey Ali,” Emily said. Paige thought she sounded...almost excited. A little breathless._

“ _Do you know Paige? She's on my team.”_

_Ali smiled. Not a welcoming smile or a pleased-to-meet-you smile. More a knowing, scheming kind of smile._

“ _On your team?” she said with a smirk. “Oh yes, of course. For swimming.”_

_Paige started to feel uncomfortable under her gaze. She hated to be the centre of attention and she felt like she was being assessed._

“ _It's nice to meet you,” she managed to get out._

_Ali was not forthcoming with a response, instead turning to Emily and saying: “Em, I think I left my sweater in the library. Could you grab it for me? I'd love to chat more with Paige, find out how our little superstar is doing in the pool.”_

_Emily blushed profusely and giggled out an okay before disappearing down the hall._

_Alison's smile vanished even faster as she turned her attention back to Paige._

“ _You know, Emily has a lot to lose right now. I'd hate to see her reputation ruined.”_

_Paige frowned, oblivious as to what Alison was talking about. “I...I don't know what you mean.”_

“ _Oh come on. I've seen the way you two look at each other. If anyone found out something was going on- ”_

_Paige couldn't believe what she was hearing. Was this girl insane?_

“ _Look I don't know what you're talking about. Emily and I are just friends. I'm not even...like that.”_

_Paige folded her arms and stiffened her stance. She wasn't about to back down to this girl she didn't even know, no matter what the talk was about her around school._

_Ali hadn't foreseen she would be so stupid as to go up against her._ Bad move, McCullers _. She moved closer, deliberately invading the other girl's personal space._

“ _Let me make myself clear. You're not going to be getting any closer to Emily. You're teammates, that's it.”_

_Paige was getting angrier now and in that moment, she didn't care what Ali could do to her._

“ _Look, I know you think you're ready to rule this place but I'm not afraid of you. I have nothing to hide so you can think or say what you want.”_

_Alison sensed the determination was genuine. Her change of tack was swift – and couldn't have been better judged._

“ _Oh I'm not concerned about you. It's Emily I'm worried about. She's so...fragile, don't you think? And her parents are so traditional. I'm sure they'd hate to hear about something like this. And then there's the swim team. What would coach think about two of her swimmers being involved?”_

_Paige was beginning to lose her temper but she tried to keep her tone even._

“ _But we're not involved. We're just friends,” she said through gritted teeth._

“ _So you say. But once a rumour gets started, it's hard to stop it. You seem like you wouldn't care, but Emily? You think she could cope with people whispering behind her back? Or with her parents finding out?”_

_Paige went pale as she imagined Emily being faced with the prospect of having to defend herself. She didn't think she was weak – Ali certainly did but Paige was sure she was stronger than that._

_Still, why should she have to deal with rumours like that, rumours that would probably disgust her? The guilt hit Paige like a sucker punch to the gut, along with a realisation just as awful._ It's my fault. I've been so desperate to be her friend, it's no wonder people thought it was something else.

_She looked at Ali and set her jaw firm. She knew what she had to do._

“ _I won't bother her any more.”_

_And with that she walked away, her head down, leaving behind hope and possibility and walking into the arms of fear and loathing._

But now here she was. Sitting on the sidewalk, committing to memory the feel of Emily's fingertips, the sound of her voice, the feeling of her own heart as it beat faster in her chest.

It had been more than two years since she'd cut herself off from Emily. She'd become distant at practice. Monosyllabic when spoken to. It didn't take long for Emily to move on. She had her own friends after all.

But Paige felt her loss every day. It didn't matter that she knew it was for Emily's own good. Being a knight in shining armour is all very well when you end up with the girl. But Paige was alone. And the more she withdrew, the harder life in high school became. It was easier for Ali to chip away at her, little by little. With no-one to turn to, she simply...gave up.

Once Ali had seen her scars, it was all over. She knew there was no way of winning.

That's what her head told her at least. The problem was that right now, her heart was doing something very different.

It was singing to her. It was telling her that even if her love for Emily seemed as doomed as that of the moon for the sun, there was hope. Because she had laid her fingertips on her skin and the sky was ablaze. It was the dawn and Paige was waking up with the heat on her skin and the soft breeze of Emily's breath in her ear.

And yet. And yet. She was sure Emily didn't feel that way about her. Was simply being friendly. _But that's enough. Just to be able to talk to her. Be in her orbit._

Paige thought back to that day with Alison. She had just as much to lose now as Emily. Ali could tell everyone about her self-harm. She could do what she had promised two years ago and expose some imagined love affair that would crush them both.

She knew she should build back the wall around her, protect herself and Emily from what Alison could do to them. But she wasn't sure she was strong enough. The thought of never feeling again the way she did today at the pool was too much to bear.

She'd never felt so lost or unsure of what to do. Getting to her feet, she dusted herself down and continued her journey home, a maelstrom of thoughts swirling in her mind.

* * *

Emily sat on her windowseat and watched as the wind gently swayed the leaves in the tree outside.

She'd been sitting there for at least an hour and was still struggling to make sense of everything she was feeling.

It had felt so right to open up to Paige in the way she had. At the time she had done it without thinking, like it was the most natural thing in the world to speak truth to this girl sitting beside her. Later she realised how important it was too – if she wanted Paige to confide in her, she had to be able to do it herself.

And Paige had been close, she thought. Like she'd wanted to say something but just couldn't find the words. _I just need to give her time._

Again Emily traced the palm of her left hand with her right. It was an unconscious action but one that brought a soft smile to her lips. Just that simple action, the laying on of fingers, had seemed to bring so much comfort to Paige. But not just her. Emily felt like something had passed between them. An understanding. She couldn't seem to decide of what but she knew she had felt at ease. Like she was exactly where she was supposed to be in that moment.

But there was something else. Little sparks of electricity, as if there was a current between them that mixed with their still swim-damp skin and created tiny shocks that passed back and forth.

It wasn't the first time Emily had felt something when she'd touched another girl but this was completely different. It had that thrill, that energy. But something else. Something more. Like new shoes that fit just right first time. Like your favourite sweater that hugs you tight in winter.

Emily thought she should be shocked by the things she was thinking as she sat on her windowseat and pondered Paige McCullers. But she wasn't. In fact, she was shocked at just how unsurprised she actually was. Yes, she had thought the whole thing unexpected, but here, in the safe space of her room, she realised that while the situation was just that, her feelings were anything but.

She thought back again to their first meeting. The way her heart had sped up. The way she noticed the huskiness of Paige's voice. The warmth that transferred from one hand to the other. The intriguing sparkle in Paige's eyes. The tingle of excitement at the prospect of making a friend.

But it wasn't that. It was something else. Something more. _How did I miss this? Am I really that dumb? All the signs were there, I just didn't follow the map properly...or maybe I just didn't have time. Before she disappeared on me._ They'd started to get closer in those first few days of high school but never quite progressed from teammates to friends.

Then just like that, Paige dropped out of her life. She became sullen and unapproachable. Like she'd just decided Emily wasn't worth her time. It had been hard to take and Emily had often found her eyes drifting to Paige in the classroom or the cafeteria. Wishing things had worked out differently. Wondering what she'd done wrong.

Was that it? Had she done something? She may not have recognised her interest in Paige for what it was back then but...had Paige? Is that why she had pulled away, because she had seen the way Emily looked at other girls?

As much as Emily still felt scared of being open about her sexuality, when she thought of Paige it just didn't feel like she'd got the right answer. How could she feel so at ease with her, so connected, if Paige suspected she was gay and didn't want anything to do with her? Emily wondered if it was just that two years had passed and Paige's feelings had changed. But again it didn't feel right. She was missing something.

Standing up she started to pace. It was a familiar pattern for her and it often helped her solve a problem. Tonight, though, it felt futile. Nothing made sense and yet everything felt so utterly right at the same time. It was infuriating.

Throwing herself back onto her bed she grabbed her pillow, placed it over her face and let out a scream of frustration. She'd noticed plenty of girls in the past. Admired their hair or their figure. But it had always been a fleeting feeling.

She'd thought the first person who had really caught her attention and held it had been Ali. The first time that had really had any substance at least. But over the course of the afternoon she'd started to realise that actually, Ali wasn't the first.

It had been Paige. That butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling had never really had time to take hold but now, having felt it resurface at the pool, she was certain that what she felt towards her teammate was more than friendly.

Alison and Paige. They were both wrong for her. In completely different ways of course but nevertheless, impossible.

Alison was toxic, a master manipulator with an uncanny ability to work out what everyone was hiding and then use it against them.

And Paige. Daughter of a deacon. Definitely straight. McCullers would run a mile if she had any clue Emily felt like this.

Emily wondered how it was that you could feel such a strong connection with someone when they were immune to you.

She'd known, deep down, for most of her infatuation with Alison that it was one-sided. She'd deceived herself into having some hope at different points over the years but it had never really taken hold.

Her feelings had been strong but ruled by her body. The betrayer. The kisses they'd shared, while they'd felt amazing at the time, had left her feeling hollow afterwards. Yes, her body was satisfied but her heart...her heart broke a little each time. She didn't really like Ali, she could admit it to herself now. She'd wanted to save her almost, help her be a better person. But Alison didn't want to be better.

She wondered what would have happened to her feelings for Ali if the other girl hadn't nurtured them with such guile and skill. Kept her dangling, like a catfish dancing on the end of a line. Would they have faded as quickly as they arrived without a deeper connection to sustain them? Was that why Ali had been so hot and cold, tempting her one minute then pushing her away the next?

With Paige, it was different. Like finally her body and mind were dovetailing to open her eyes to a whole new perspective. It scared her, now that she had finally begun to see what was right in front her all along.

So what, Emily wondered, would it feel like if her feelings were reciprocated? She knew it was foolish to hope Paige might feel the same given she had clearly been upset with Emily for so long. Not to mention there never having been any indication she was into girls.

But for a moment, as her fingertips brushed across Paige's velvet skin, Emily had dared to let herself hope.

Hope that she didn't move because she wanted Emily to touch her.

Hope that she really did lean in closer to Emily's fingers.

Hope that she felt the connection, the spark, the understanding.

But hope was a dangerous thing. If Emily dared to give voice to this new feeling – a feeling she barely understood herself right now - it left her exposed. Vulnerable. Not just to rejection from Paige, which was a very real possibility. Maybe even an inevitability.

But to Ali. Emily was already dancing close to the fire with the way she was acting. If Ali had any idea what she was doing in befriending Paige, in Emily's attempt to manoeuvre both them and her friends out of Ali's influence, she would surely take swift revenge. If she suspected there was something more to the way Emily felt, it would be even worse.

And what would that look like? Ali had taken pleasure in snide little comments about Emily's sexuality in the past. Inferences and insinuations that while not enough to unmask her to her friends were certainly enough to keep Emily tied to her for fear she would do far worse.

Emily thought back to how quickly Alison seemed to pick up on her attraction to the blonde, however fleeting it had been back then. It was like a sixth sense. If she could do it then, would she be able to notice the same if she saw her with Paige?

If there were any hint that Emily might have feelings for Paige – no matter how new or tentative they were at that moment – everything would come crashing down.

While she knew she wasn't ready to be out of the closet, she knew Paige was in even less of a state to handle the gossip and insinuation that she was pretty sure Ali could have spread around the school in a heartbeat. Not to mention the loss, again, of a potential friendship that she so clearly craved. And that was one thing of which Emily was absolutely certain – Paige wanted a friend and she wanted to confide in her. She just wasn't ready yet.

It would be way too much of a risk to give Ali an opportunity she would grasp with both hands.

With a sigh, Emily came to a decision. She had to protect Paige at all costs. And if that meant pushing aside her own feelings, then so be it.

 


	14. Chapter 14

Wednesday morning dawned and found both girls tired, restless and unsure of themselves.

It was the one day of the school week they didn't have to wake up early for swim practice as they trained with the team after school instead.

All the rest of the girls would be enjoying the extra time in bed, but not these two.

Instead they had both, unbeknown to the other, woken as if their alarms had gone off in unison. Neither welcomed the lack of morning practice because it meant no private session with each other later in the day.

Paige sighed as she stared at the ceiling. They'd only had two afternoons together but already she was struggling to cope with the thought of not being alone with Emily.

And she was worried about practice with everyone else. She was finding it harder and harder to mask her feelings. To put up those barriers. She didn't want to.

But always in the back of her mind was Alison. She'd seen The Beast in full flow so many times. Once Ali had warned her off, she had used Paige's sadness at losing her friendship with Emily – or potential of one at least – to chip away at her confidence.

A sly dig here, a bitchy comment there. The drip, drip, drip of bullying had left Paige with so little of herself left. She became increasingly withdrawn. Spent more time in the water. Tried harder – and failed harder – to make any real friends.

Paige gently lifted the vest she was wearing and traced the edge of a scar with her fingertip. It wasn't long after that she'd started to cut herself. It was tentative at first. Unsure. She didn't know what she was doing she just...wanted to feel something. Wanted to release the pain somehow.

Her eyes had widened as she watched the blood form, bright and vibrant. The very essence of life, it mocked her. Then came the sting. It pulled her attention away from her other problems, flooded her brain with a pain that she could actually do something about. She could soothe it. She could watch it heal. It was unlike every other pain she felt and she clung to the control she had over it like a drowning swimmer clinging to a lifebuoy.

Every time Ali would humiliate her in the halls, every time she had to force herself to ignore Emily, every time her dad told her she just wasn't trying hard enough, she would retreat to her bathroom and the razor that it held.

The more she felt herself spinning out of control in every aspect of her life, the more she cut.

And then Ali had noticed. It wasn't just the thought of her knowing that had upset Paige so much. Rather that this one thing she had that was hers, that she had control over, had been discovered. It could be taken away from her at any second – all Alison had to do was tell someone and she would be under supervision, packed off to counselling, maybe hauled out of the team. The fear that Alison would reveal her secret was debilitating.

Paige's times in the pool dipped and her father reacted predictably, calling for extra training, stricter regimes for her diet, closer monitoring of her sleep. Luckily, even though she had started cutting herself at the top of her thighs by this point, her father never noticed. He was too busy studying his stopwatch and clipboard to actually see the daughter behind the athlete.

It was only the thought of swimming being her escape route that eventually saw her get herself together and focus when she was in the pool.

Now she found herself distracted again, but for completely different reasons.

Throwing off her covers in frustration, she got out of bed and walked to the window. It was cold, the early morning not yet warmed by the sun. She watched as her breath fogged up the glass, dissipated then reappeared with each exhale.

She rested her forehead on the cool of the window and closed her eyes. She had been thinking about Emily non-stop since she'd left their session and she hadn't got any closer to a resolution.

How to solve a problem like Emily Fields? How to walk away when all you want to do is swim straight for her? How to just be friends when all you can think about is letting her hair run between your fingers like a waterfall?

Paige lent back and looked out again through the window, the world bathed in half-light. Neither day nor night. Not one thing or another.

Limbo. Exactly where Paige felt she was residing. Stuck between cowardice and bravery. Hope and fear. Desire and loneliness.

Had she imagined the connection she'd felt to Emily? Had she wanted it so much that she'd convinced herself it had happened?

She remembered Emily's fingers on her shoulders, the softness in her eyes, the concern in her voice. It had been like a dream, but painted in such vivid colours that it overrode all of Paige's senses.

She'd built up a wall around herself over years but in one moment Emily had washed it away like a tsunami. So what now? Build it up again, brick by brick, or remain exposed? Open herself to possibilities, whatever they may be, or close them off for good?

Paige sighed in exasperation. She didn't know what had changed. Two years ago she'd closed her heart to Emily to protect her. Now she was considering risking all that. She felt selfish, stupid, naïve.

She knew Ali would hate for them to be friends. She kept her cohorts tight around her, learning early in life there was strength in numbers and even more in being the one who controlled them.

Paige would never be welcomed in – she didn't want to be – and that meant Emily breaking off to spend time with her.

She was already Ali's number one target, always happy to torment her whenever she got chance. Surely the situation was hopeless.

 _But it doesn't feel hopeless. I don't feel hopeless._ Paige smiled to herself despite the turmoil she was feeling. Emily Fields had opened up to her. Had touched her. And it had felt amazing.

Maybe that was the answer. Emily. She felt like the solution – and the cause of – all Paige's problems at the moment. Before, when they barely knew each other, Paige had backed away to protect her. Now though...maybe she could count on Emily this time. Maybe strength in numbers didn't just work for Ali, it could work for them too.

Optimism was unfamiliar to Paige and she didn't know how she felt about it. It was scary, for sure. But also exhilarating. Like the slow climb on a rollercoaster, waiting to reach the top and tip over the edge into the drop.

Paige realised she had been pacing for half an hour, nibbling slightly on the corner of her thumb as she went. She walked back to the window and looked again at the world outside.

The sun was higher now, the sky ablaze with pinks and oranges and purples. No more the half-light of limbo, the grey uncertainty of the near-dawn.

A new day was dawning and it brought beauty and light and possibility.

Paige nodded to herself and pushed away from the window with a spring in her step and a smile on her face. _Be brave._

* * *

A few streets away, in the Fields residence, Emily was moving with all the enthusiasm of a sloth woken too early from a nap.

Her hair stuck out in every direction, testament to the tossing and turning she had done throughout the night. The bags under her eyes gave her a haunted look, one that matched her mood.

She'd tried to think of another way. Endless scenarios had played over and over on a loop in her mind but none of them had convinced her she had a choice.

Her mind was made up. She'd started this whole thing to get her and the others away from Ali. And to protect Paige. She wasn't about to put that in jeopardy.

She knew what she had to do. It wasn't going to be easy, but it was the only way.

* * *

Paige's leg was its jittery self once again as she sat in class waiting for the bell. She alternated between chewing the top of her pen and tapping it on her text book. All these things added up to some unwanted attention from the other students. _They probably think I'm on drugs or something. Steroids maybe. Give me that edge in the pool. Everyone needs an edge. But I don't need that. I have Emily. I mean, I don't_ have _Emily. She doesn't belong to me. I'd like her to. Not in a possessive way, that would be weird. I mean, I'd be hers too. We'd be each others and- oh thank god, the bell._

__

Just like the day before, Paige jumped up from her desk and bolted through the door, but it wasn't swim practice she was heading for. It was lunchtime and Paige was feeling bold.

Or at least, she was when she left the classroom. The closer and closer she got to the cafeteria, the more and more the confidence drained from her with each step.

She felt light-headed. Clammy. Her heart raced. _It's just a hello. That's all. Just putting out the feelers. Testing the water._

Before she knew it and all too soon she was standing at the entrance lead-footed as other students jostled past her in their eagerness to meet friends.

Paige ran her fingers through her long auburn hair, teasing the waves that fell around her shoulders. She pushed some stray locks behind her ears then instantly dropped her head forward so they framed her face again. It was a nervous tic she'd developed once Ali had started her campaign of terror. _The Beast._ Paige swallowed hard. _Come on McCullers, you're a shark remember._

And with one last steadying breath, Paige entered the cafeteria and got into line while casting her gaze to Emily's table. She could see her sitting with Spencer and Hanna, deep in conversation. They seemed happy, Paige thought, like one of those corny TV programmes where high school is the best days of your life. She wondered if the other two girls were like Ali. Well, not like her exactly. No-one was like The Beast. But...indifferent maybe. Uninterested. Or were they like Emily and living a life they didn't really choose. A life that had just happened to them.

Paige let her eyes drift over Emily. The curve of her smile, the slight shake of her shoulders as she laughed. She studied her face and saw that she looked pale, drawn. She wondered what had happened to make her look so tired.

Eventually she found herself with a tray full of food and nowhere to hide. This was it. She glanced across at the table she normally sat at – _nice and safe by the wall –_ and the one where Emily was, right in the middle of all the students.

_Be brave be brave be brave_

Somehow, Paige managed to get her legs to work. Slowly, she inched her way between the crowds of students and headed for Emily's table.

She was approaching from behind Emily so caught the attention of Spencer Hastings, sat opposite the swimmer, before anyone else.

The tall girl cocked her head slightly to the side as she saw Paige heading their way. _Is she coming over here? Oh she really is..._

Spencer straightened in her chair and smiled as Paige completed what felt like a trek across the Sahara. “McCullers,” she nodded.

Emily's head fairly flew off her shoulders as she turned round to see Paige behind her, gripping her lunch tray like a life raft, her knuckles white from the effort.

“Hastings,” she said in return, her voice slightly higher than normal. She cleared her throat and turned her attention to Emily, feeling Hanna's gaze boring into her skull from the other side of her.

“Hi Emily,” she said quietly, with a smile.

Emily had been dumbstruck before from the simple act of Paige walking to their table.

Now, as she looked at Paige's face, flushed with shyness, her dimples just registering on her cheeks as she smiled down at her tentatively, she was at a loss for words for an entirely different reason.

She found herself grinning back, meeting Paige's eyes with her own and forgetting anyone else was there.

“Hey Paige,” she said, her voice warm and welcoming.

“Hi,” Paige said, her smile widening. _Dammit McCullers, you said hello already._

Spencer looked from one to the other, a smirk quirking at the corners of her mouth and a twinkle dancing in her eyes. _Well this is new._

“Erm...how...how were your classes this morning?” Paige asked, finally finding something new to say.

“They were good. I was a little tired, so I was kind of glad we didn't have practice this morning.”

“Yeah me too. I didn't sleep so good,” Paige said, finding the courage, somewhere to raise her gaze back to Emily's eyes.

“Yeah. Me either,” Emily said, holding Paige's look. Something passed between them, then. A recognition. Like a note passed secretly in class or a whisper in the ear of a lover. _I didn't sleep because of you,_ were the words they spoke, silently.

Hanna, bemused at the interaction, leant across the table to Spencer and jerked her head in the direction of the two girls.

“What's up with them?”

Spencer smiled. “Nothing Han, they're friends I guess. From swimming.”

“Yeah but you know how Ali feels about her and she's going to be here – right now actually.” Hanna swallowed hard as she saw Ali approaching with purpose, Aria trailing behind her, trying in vain to keep up.

Suddenly the bubble around Paige and Emily was broken. Paige felt like she might be sick right there and then. One glance back at Emily, though, and she found enough resolve to steady herself.

Ali pushed past her and took a seat beside Emily. “It's feeling claustrophobic around here today,” she said coldly.

Emily, for her part, had gone into panic mode. All morning she'd been telling herself to back away from Paige in public to ensure she protected her from outside forces. Now here she was making googly eyes at her in the middle of the cafeteria. And Paige...had she been making them back? _Not the point right now, Fields!_

Ali turned around to stare at Paige. “Can we help you?”

Paige tightened her lips. She had prepared for this. It would be ok. Because now she had Emily on her side.

“No, you can't. I was just chatting to Emily about her morning.”

Ali smiled. It was toothless and never met her eyes and was one of the scariest things Paige had ever seen. She felt tiny pinpricks of sweat on her upper lip as she watched Alison slowly turn to Emily.

“Em,” she said innocently, “did you want to continue your conversation with Pi- Paige somewhere else? It's kind of crowded here don't you think?”

Emily suddenly wished she lived in Sunnydale and the Hellmouth would just open right up and swallow her whole. She had vowed to protect Paige. Protect her from this exact scenario – being in Ali's sights.

Paige was shifting from one foot to another. The look on her face was so hopeful, like a puppy who is pretty sure it's about to be offered a treat.

Emily felt her stomach roll with nausea. _This is for the best, Em. You have to do it._

She took one last look at Paige, trying to convey something with her eyes that she just couldn't with words in that moment.

“No, I'm done,” she said, before turning her back to Paige and picking up her fork to start eating again.

Paige felt like she couldn't breathe. Couldn't move. Ali was still staring at her. A triumphant look evident in her sneer. All the bravado had drained from her body. She glanced at Spencer, who at least managed to look sympathetic.

Dropping her gaze back to her tray, her shoulders hunched as she finally managed to get her legs working again.

Reaching her table by the wall, solitary confinement as usual, she slumped down into her chair. She felt physically winded, worse than at the end of a race.

_How could you be so stupid? As if Alison would let you get that close to Emily. But...there was something. I know there was. Before Ali showed up. Just not enough I guess._

Paige kept her head low but raised her eyes upward to sneak a glance at the table she'd just left. Ali was holding court as usual, the other girls seemingly in her thrall.

Looking down at her food, she realised there was no way she could stomach anything. Pushing back her chair with a loud scrape, she grabbed her tray, walked to the bin and dumped all her lunch into the trash before heading to the door and out into the courtyard.

Across the cafeteria, Emily Fields had seen everything. She was feeling a similar loss of appetite but was going through the motions in an effort to disguise her discomfort. She felt worse than awful. Turning her back on Paige like that had taken so much effort and now, sitting here while Alison chattered away about the date she'd been on the night before, she hated herself for it.

Chancing a glance in Paige's direction, she watched as the other girl bolted for the door. Emily was barely holding it together and her eyes moved from Paige to Spencer, pleading for help. She picked up on it instantly.

“Em, I have some photocopying I have to get done for the social committee. Any chance you could help me out? I could really use it.”

Emily tried to regain her composure and managed it just long enough: “Sure Spence, I've finished anyhow.”

Then, with a glance at the blonde at the end of the table, she made another decision. One she felt far more comfortable with. “Han, didn't you say you had some photocopying you needed to do for the yearbook?”

Hanna's face lit up like a Christmas tree. “Oh yeah I do, thanks for reminding me.”

The three girls stood and started clearing up their trays and saying their goodbyes, watched by Alison, who had leaned back in her chair with her arms folded across her chest.

“Looks like it's just you and me, Aria. Again,” she said pointedly, eyeing each of the departing girls suspiciously.

Aria watched almost wistfully as the trio left. _Yep, just me and you._

* * *

Emily practically took the hinges off the door to the copy room as she burst through it. The emotion she'd been holding in had come bubbling to the surface like hot lava and she couldn't hold it in anymore.

A few steps behind came Spencer and Hanna, who had not been able to keep up with Emily once she'd set off at pace from the cafeteria.

She put her palms flat on the desk in front of her and bent low, desperately trying to regulate her breathing.

Spencer and Hanna watched her with concern, never having seen her so agitated. Spencer spoke first.

“Em,” she said, trying to keep her tone soothing as she reached out to gently rub Emily's back but no sooner had she laid her hand there than Emily was shrugging it off.

“Don't tell me it's ok, Spence. It is so not ok.”

The tears were spilling from her eyes now and she brushed them angrily from her face with the back of her hand. _You've got no right to cry, Emily. No right._

“I'm not going to say it's ok. Clearly it isn't. But you need to calm down.”

“How can I calm down? Did you see her face? Did you see how hurt she was? She didn't even eat lunch. She just left, Spence.”

She was crying again now, sobbing as she slumped into a chair, watched by a very concerned Hanna with frown lines etched deep into her forehead.

The blonde pulled a chair over and sat next to Emily, risking the move Spencer had seen rejected and gently laying her arm across Emily's shoulders.

This time, the girl welcomed the touch, too tired now to even fight the comfort offered her – however little she felt she deserved it.

“Em, why has this got you so upset? You know Ali hates Paige, it was obvious she was going to react like that. Honestly, I don't know why Paige even came over.”

“She came because of me. It's my fault she was there. And I was trying to protect her by making her leave but now I've just hurt her even more,” the words came tumbling out of Emily's mouth in a rush in between the tears.

Spencer watched from a few feet away knowing full well why Emily was upset but not having the first clue as to how to help her. The famous Hastings brain was working overtime but no solutions were formulating. Taking a seat opposite the two girls, she reached out her hand and placed it over Emily's.

“Em,” she said, her voice was low, as if trying not to scare Emily. “I know you want to protect Paige. You don't need to tell me why, but I know you have your reasons. It's just...Ali has done way worse to her than this, yet you're so upset."

“Ali didn't do it to her. I did.” Emily's voice was almost a croak, the thickness of her tears evident.

Spencer pressed on, tentatively. Hopefully. “Yeah but...you didn't bawl her out in front of everyone or humiliate her in class. Paige has had to put up with way worse than this.”

Emily glared through her tears. “Not from me, Spence. Don't you get it? She knows Ali hates her. The feeling's probably mutual. But it's different coming from me. I...we're...I think she trusts me, ok?”

Spencer looked Emily right in the eyes and tried to convey as much acceptance as she could in her next words.

“Emily. It's ok.”

She looked at Spencer, who still covered her hand in her own. Her face was open, warm. She knew this time that Spencer's ok was intended to mean something entirely different to the one she had anticipated earlier. Emily glanced at Hanna sitting next to her and felt the blonde give her shoulder a squeeze. She couldn't take it anymore. The lies. The fear. The disguise. The mask was slipping and all she wanted was to rip it off.

And so that's what she did.

“It's different with me because...because Paige and I...I think we have a connection. I think...no, I know I have feelings for her.”

Emily could not have been more terrified as she said the words but she couldn't help the smile that spread across her tear-streaked face or the slight blush that coloured her cheeks.

“Well it's about damn time, Em. You are WAY too good for Ali.”

Two pairs of brown eyes shot around and looked incredulously at Hanna Marin.

“What? You think I didn't know what was going on? I may act dumb sometimes but I'm not actually, like, dumb.”

Spencer was frowning, her mind working overtime again. “Wait, how long have you known? Or should I say suspected. You just suspected right? Because I only worked it out a few days ago.”

“Worried I might have been quicker on the uptake than the great Spencer Hastings?” Hanna said, proudly.

“Oh please, I'm quite sure that- ”

“Guys, this isn't a competition!” Emily said.

“You're right, we're sorry Em,” said Spencer, her tone switching again.

“So, Paige, huh?” Hanna said, shoving Emily with her shoulder. “She. Is. Hot. Those arms. That body...”

“Hanna!”

“What, I'm just sayin', if I was into girls I would be all over McCullers.”

“HANNA! For the love of god, stop talking.”

“Guys, it's ok,” Emily said, laughing as she shook her head. “It's...it's kind of nice. This isn't how I expected this to go.”

Spencer frowned and looked at Hanna, then back to Emily.

“Em, we're your friends. Nothing you could say is going to change that. We've all got secrets and we all know why we keep them.”

Emily nodded, the fear suddenly returning as she thought about Alison.

Spencer pressed on. “But this is who you are. We want to know all of you. Not just the parts you think you can show the world.”

Hanna nodded eagerly. “Plus we want to know all about you and McHottie. And I mean ALL about it.”

Spencer looked like she was about to tear her hair out. “Hanna, I swear to god. We're trying to have a touching moment here, and all you can do is make inappropriate comments.”

Emily watched as the two continued to bicker. She still had to work out what to do next, work out how she was going to face Paige at swim practice that afternoon, but she couldn't help revelling in this moment. _I was just honest with my friends for the first time in forever. And the world didn't end._

 


	15. Chapter 15

Emily had spent afternoon classes feeling like she was a five-year-old on a swing. One moment she would be at the very pinnacle of her arc, legs weightless, hair flying in the wind. Free and soaring. The next, gravity would drag her back down to earth, her stomach falling and flipping, before she was back up high again at the opposite height.

Finally explaining her feelings to Spencer and Hanna had been exhilarating. She hadn't expected that. She'd been prepared for the fear. She'd been prepared for uncertainty. She'd even prepared herself for rejection. What she hadn't been prepared for was the instant acceptance. The support. The lightness which lifted her up in ways she couldn't have imagined.

But there was still the bump back down to earth. Paige. This had all come about because of the way she had treated her. Sure, it was for her own good but Paige didn't know that. All she knew was that Emily had shunned her for Ali. Emily's stomach churned every time she thought about it and the feeling was always followed by unbearable guilt at the happiness she had experienced.

Throughout the rest of the day Emily swung between wanting the day to go faster and dreading the passing of every second. She wanted...needed...to see Paige but she had no idea how she was going to fix the damage she had done. Hours of turning the situation over in her mind hadn't given her a single idea of what to say. Now, as the final bell rang, she took a deep breath and mustered all of her courage. _You'll just have to wing it._

__

* * *

Paige felt like she was walking through quicksand. Her legs were leaden and her brain hummed with thoughts that she couldn't silence.

She knew she hadn't imagined the connection with Emily. The way she'd held her eyes. The faint blush on her cheeks. The smile that lit up her whole face. It was as if things had changed since that moment at the pool.

So why had Emily been so quick to turn her back on her – literally and figuratively? Did Ali have something over her too? No, that was crazy, she thought. What secrets could Emily Fields have? She was practically perfect in every way.

Paige smiled to herself, in spite of everything. Once she'd let Emily break down her walls, it was impossible to keep her out. She coloured everything about Paige's life – classes were categorised into ones with Emily and ones without, routes around school by which ones might cause them to cross paths and which wouldn't, long hours where she didn't glimpse her and fleeting, glorious seconds where she was able to drink her in.

At this moment though, she didn't know how she felt about seeing Emily as she trudged towards swim practice. The fluttering in her stomach told her she was still excited to see her. But pushing down on the butterflies was a heavy weight that threatened to crush them completely.

She wanted an explanation but knew she dare not ask for one. The possibilities of what could come from Emily's lips were too frightening.

The water, of course, would normally be the thing that calmed Paige. But now, just as with everything else, it was intrinsically linked with Emily Fields. The touch of her fingers. The look in her eyes. The openness of her spirit.

The last thing Paige McCullers wanted to do was swim and the thought was near-paralysing.

* * *

Emily checked the door to the natatorium again for the fifth time in 30 seconds. _Still no Paige. She's never late._

She took as long as she could to get changed, folding and refolding clothes to have something to do, trying to eke out the time before she had to head for the pool.

Eventually Coach Fulton was calling everyone to order, gathering them all up for a pep talk before sending them out to the deck.

Still Emily hung back and was the last of the stragglers to leave, just as Paige came through the door and headed for her locker. It had taken all her willpower to force herself to practice. The last thing she needed was for her dad to come down on her for skipping. She quickly changed into her suit, pulled her cap down over her head and grabbed her goggles. _Let's just get this done._

* * *

Emily was finishing her warm up when she saw Paige arrive poolside. She walked straight to coach and seemed to be giving some kind of explanation as to her late arrival. Emily felt guilt gnaw at her. Coach seemed to be going easy on Paige – it helped that she was one of the best swimmers they had – and soon the girl was beginning her own warm up. Emily noticed that she did so as far away from her as possible.

Paige's heart was thumping so loudly in her chest that the blood it was pumping nearly drowned out the feelings battling within. Nearly. But not quite.

She couldn't stop her eyes from taking in the sight of Emily. She couldn't stop her cheeks from blushing. She couldn't stop her knees from feeling weak.

But she also couldn't prevent the nausea she felt at the thought of Emily shunning her as she had. The anger at being left dangling like that in front of everyone. The fight was exhausting.

It was little surprise then that Paige had one of her worst days in the pool since Ali had discovered what she did to herself.

She was unfocused and sloppy. Her turns were too far away from the wall, she was breathing too frequently, she had no energy left for her trademark final sprint of speed.

As she pulled herself out of the pool she could feel the eyes of the other girls on her. She knew her times had been awful, she didn't need coach to tell her. And yet here she was, walking over with her clipboard and stopwatch.

“McCullers, what was that? Did you wake up this morning and forget how to swim? Because those times are not the times of the Paige I know.”

“I'm sorry coach, I just didn't feel it today. Maybe I'm coming down with something.”

Emily was hanging back, listening to the interaction as the other girls made their way to the showers.

Coach Fulton pressed on. “I did warn you not to overdo it in your sessions with Emily. I hope that's not what this is.”

Paige couldn't find her words. Just the mention of Emily's name and she'd lost the ability to speak.

“Well, Paige? Do I need to rethink things?”

“Absolutely not, coach.”

Paige looked up at the sound of Emily's voice with a mixture of hope and fear.

Emily pressed on. “We've both seen a big improvement in our times and we haven't been pushing ourselves too hard. Paige has made sure of it. I noticed yesterday she seemed a bit hoarse so I was worried she might have been getting a cold or something. We were actually going to head to the drug store after school. Right, Paige?”

Paige was standing wide-eyed, looking from Emily to Coach Fulton and back again.

Eventually, clearing her throat, she said: “Yeah, yes, I'm hoping a vitamin boost will clear it up before it takes hold.”

Coach looked between the two of them and nodded. “I hope you're right. We've got the meet against Ravenswood on Saturday and I want you both in peak condition. I'll be watching.”

“Yes coach,” the girls said in unison as Fulton headed for her office.

Paige was right on her heels before Emily had time to think but she knew she needed to speak to her even if she didn't have a clue what to say.

“Paige! Could you...could you just help me for a second. I think I have a bit of cramp in my calf.” _Oh dear god, Emily. You are the lamest of the lame._

__

Paige had stopped in her tracks but hadn't turned to look back. She closed her eyes and drew in a few steadying breaths before turning around.

“Okay, if you sit on the bench I can maybe- ”

“Oh it's...it's okay. I don't really have cramp,” said Emily shyly.

Paige pulled her towel a little tighter around herself, shivering a little at the sound of Emily's voice. “Oh. Okay, well...”

“I wanted to talk to you. About lunch.”

Paige's jaw clenched. She hadn't expected this to come so soon. She had wanted to be prepared, be ready for Emily to let her down. Come up with some lame excuse. But she was kidding herself. She would never be prepared for that. _Let her rip the Band-Aid off._

“Okay. Go ahead,” Paige said, crossing her arms across her chest as much as a way of keeping warm as a way of trying to protect her heart.

Emily fiddled with the goggles in her hands. She was the one now lost for words. She had removed her swim cap and her black hair hung damply around her face, masking her features.

“I don't know what to say,” was what finally came out of her mouth after several failed attempts.

Paige looked at her, sympathy and anger leaving her conflicted. So many times she'd fallen back on her cold attitude. It helped her deal with the interactions she had with Emily. But today...today the snark was nowhere to be found. No matter how much she wanted to hold on to that bitter taste in her mouth from what happened earlier, it dissolved on her tongue as she watched Emily, her heart aching as she saw the struggle she was going through.

“Me either,” Paige said, staring down at her toes, intensely focused on the way they gripped the tiles underfoot.

Emily tried again. She had to. There was no option.

“I just...I got scared when Ali showed up.”

Paige lifted her head at that. Anger suddenly winning the war within her.

“You got scared? I'm the one who took a chance in coming over. I'm the one she hates. What have you got to be scared about?”

Emily met her eyes then, incredulous. _How can she be so dumb?_

__

“No, you don't get it. I wasn't scared for me. I was scared for you.”

Paige's heart was racing. She didn't understand what Emily was saying. Couldn't comprehend it. And of course, the McCullers pride was always there, under the surface.

“Why would you be scared for me? I can take care of myself.”

Emily swallowed hard and tucked her hair back behind her ears, making sure Paige could see her. Really see her. She stepped closer, close enough to be considered too close. Intimate almost.

“Paige, I know what Ali's done to you.”

The other girl closed her eyes briefly. She didn't want to hear this. Didn't want to hear that Emily had known all along. Didn't want to think she didn't care enough to do something.

“I don't know what you're talking about. She teases me like everyone else. It's no big deal.” Her voice was low and her head even lower. She could lie, she was adept at that, but she knew she couldn't do it if she was looking straight into Emily's eyes.

“Paige, listen to me,” Emily said, reaching out and tugging gently at Paige's chin to raise it. _Please look at me._

Paige could barely think. The softness of Emily's hand on her face, the intensity of her gaze. The kindness she saw there. It was overwhelming, this feeling.

“I've seen what she's done to you. And...and I've seen what you've done to yourself.”

And just like that it was gone. Paige jerked her head away from Emily's hand and stumbled backwards on legs that felt like jelly.

The shame that washed over her threatened to knock her off her feet. She felt like she couldn't breathe, everything swimming before her eyes.

“Paige, it's ok.” Emily tried again to get closer to Paige but something in the other girl's eyes stopped her.

“Please don't, Emily. Please.”

Paige's had filled with tears and she was barely holding it together. She'd known, deep down, that there was a chance Emily had registered what she'd seen that day at the pool. But still she'd hoped her attention had been for something else.

Now everything was folding in on her and she couldn't breathe.

Emily watched as Paige's eyes went wild with fear and shame and racked her brain for a way of reaching her. Grounding her.

“Paige listen to me. I've...I've been wanting to help. Since that day at the pool when I saw those...those marks. I think you know deep down I noticed.”

Paige was hugging herself so tight her knuckles had gone white. As white as her face as she fought the urge to throw up. _Please stop talking please stop talking please stop talking._

But Emily forged on. She was determined to get through to Paige. She certainly couldn't leave her in this state. She had to make her believe she had someone on her side.

“I've been trying to find a way to help. To stop Ali from making you feel like this. I know you don't have anyone you can turn to so I wanted to be there for you.”

Seconds ago Paige would have felt like she couldn't possibly feel worse but in that moment she felt like that had been a sick joke. She reeled as if sucker-punched in the stomach.

Her eyes lifted to look at Emily, who was shocked by the darkness she saw there.

“So this was what? Pity?” Paige spat the words out as if disgusted by their presence in her mouth. The bitterness was back and it was choking her.

“What? No, Paige, I- ”

“God, I'm so dumb. As if you would be interested in being friends with me. You have friends already. Unlike me, right? Poor loser Pigskin.”

“Don't say that,” Emily said, her voice quivering with growing anger. “That's not who you are.”

“Oh yeah? How come that's what Ali has everyone calling me then? May as well just accept it.”

“No. I don't believe you think that. You're a fighter in the pool. You can be one out of it too. I want to help.”

“You sure as hell didn't want to help today.”

It was Emily's turn to reel away now as if slapped.

“I told you,” she said in as even a tone as she could manage. “I was trying to protect you.”

“Why Emily? To make yourself feel better? Take away the guilt? I don't need your pity.”

“No, that's not what this was about. I mean, yes, I wanted to try and help but not because of guilt.”

“I don't believe you. I can't believe I ever did.”

Paige turned and stormed away from the pool. The tears flowed down her cheeks but she didn't even bother to wipe them away. She'd never felt pain like it. All she wanted was to feel numb again. To make the pain go away. She knew what she had to do.

* * *

Spencer opened her door to see someone resembling Emily Fields but who could very well have been a doppelgänger. She was red-eyed, pale, dishevelled.

“What the hell happened to you?”

Emily managed to whisper out the word “Paige” before dissolving into tears and collapsing into Spencer's arms.

Spencer managed to get her to the sofa where she sat, Emily's head in her lap, gently stroking her head as she cried.

Eventually the sobs that racked her body eased to whimpers and finally her breath evened out until Spencer realised Emily had worn herself out so much she'd cried herself to sleep.

Gently easing out from under her, Spencer went into the kitchen and grabbed her phone from the island.

She needed help.

“Han? You need to get over here. It's Em. And...and I think you should bring Aria.”

Hanging up, she looked across at the sleeping form of her friend. Even in her state of unconsciousness, a frown was etched into her forehead and she moved fitfully every few minutes.

_She can't go on like this. We've got to do something._

* * *

Paige had spent a long time under the shower after practice. She'd turned up the heat, the physical pain of her scalded skin a welcome distraction from the pain in her heart. But it wasn't enough.

When she'd got back into the locker room, Emily was long gone. _She must have skipped showering. Probably ashamed to be near me now I know the truth. How could I be this stupid? If I'd have just carried on as I was. Not let her in. I was doing fine._

Paige knew she was lying to herself. She had been far from fine. But still, it was better than this. She felt hollowed out. Like someone had reached inside and scooped out her heart. Admiring Emily from afar had been painful but nothing compared to getting so close to her then having her torn away.

Not torn. Pushed. But she had to. She refused to be pitied. It was worse than being alone. Worse than this pain that kept washing over her in waves. She didn't want to open up to Emily if she was just doing it to appease her own guilt. She refused to participate in something that was false.

Once she was dressed, she grabbed her bag and headed for the door. Hitting the outside world was a shock. There was a slight chill in the air and she shivered. She pulled a beanie from her coat pocket and pulled it down firmly on her head but the warmth it provided did little to help. She was chilled to her bones.

As she turned towards the bike racks she stopped dead. Standing next to her bike, clearly waiting for her, was Alison DiLaurentis. _Please not now._

There was nowhere to go. No option. She needed her bike and Alison was currently leaning on it nonchalantly, as if she were the owner. She did, after all, own many things, and not all of them material.

Paige walked slowly towards her. It was impossible to muster the courage she'd shown at lunch. It took all her effort just to keep her legs moving.

Alison smiled as she reached her. “Hello Pigskin. So nice of you to finally show up.”

Paige ignored her and leant down to unlock the bike chain.

But Ali wasn't about to falter. She'd already wasted enough time waiting for this loser and she had things to do.

“I don't know what you were thinking at lunch, but it's not going to happen again. You're not welcome at our table.”

Paige didn't respond. Ali had expected some push back and was a little disappointed by this damp squib of a loser. _Where's her backbone? God, how can Emily even bear to be near her?_

“Emily isn't interested in you, y'know. She just feels sorry for you, Pigskin. And I warned you off her once before.”

Now Paige's anger was surfacing again. At Emily. At Ali. At her whole damn life.

She slammed her chain around the handlebars of her bike, causing Ali to jump a little.

Paige turned to her and somehow managed to find her voice.

“You don't need to tell me twice. I'm done.”

With that she grabbed her bike and pedalled furiously away, Alison watching with bemusement. _Well that was just too easy. No fun at all. Time for part two._

She pulled out her phone and opened up a text to Emily.

_Double date arranged for Saturday. I'm sure you'll like him. Athletic's your type right? Oh and btw, my guy's an army brat too. I think his dad knows yours. Sure hope he has good things to say about you..._

Locking her phone, she dropped it into her handbag and headed for her car, her swagger never more pronounced or confident.

* * *

Emily blinked carefully, unsure at first of her surroundings. She let her eyes wander and remembered showing up at Spencer's house distraught. Her eyes were sore and puffy and she felt like she could sleep for a week.

Brushing the hair from her eyes, she sat up slow, still disorientated from her unexpected nap.

She heard voices, low but insistent, and turned towards the kitchen where she saw Spencer, Hanna and Aria. They all looked up as she walked towards them, the concern obvious.

“Hey Em,” Spencer said smiling, already pouring a coffee and passing the mug towards her.

“Thanks Spence, I really need this.”

“What the hell happened, Emily? Spencer said you turned up here looking like hell then wailed yourself to sleep.”

Spencer glared at Hanna, who just shrugged in response.

Aria laid her hand on Emily's and said quietly: “We're just worried. We've never seen you like this before.”

Emily nodded, staring hard at her coffee mug. She didn't look up as she spoke. “Did they...did they tell you anything?”

“No, they just told me you needed us and I should come right away.”

Emily nodded again before taking a gulp of coffee. It wasn't exactly Dutch courage but it would have to do.

“I have feelings for someone. I realised I have for a long time actually, I just didn't recognise it. But I've messed up so bad I'm not sure I can fix it.”

Aria's wide eyes were intensely focused on Emily. She knew there was more to come so she waited patiently for her to continue.

“And the thing is, this person. It's Paige.”

It took a moment for the words to sink in. Aria was surprised sure, but somewhere in the back of her mind she felt it made sense.

She smiled at Emily and ran her hand up and down her arm soothingly. “Okay. So how do we fix it?”

Emily let out a breath then inhaled sharply again as panic hit her once more.

“I'm not sure I can. She was so angry. I'm really scared about what she'll do.”

“Just talk us through what happened,” said Spencer. “I'm sure between us we can figure out a plan.”

“Yeah we'll let Hastings take a crack first. I've got plan B ready to go.”

Spencer turned to Hanna and raised a solitary eyebrow. “Oh really? And what might that be, Marin?”

“Em goes round there and flashes her boobs. No way McHottie will be able to resist.”

“Han, I don't even know if she's gay. Or into me. I just want to try and be friends,” Emily said with exasperation.

Hanna nearly sprayed the soda she was drinking across the counter, much to Spencer's dismay.

“Are you kidding me? You saw the way she was looking at you at lunch right? All goofy and in love.”

“What? No she...she was just being friendly.”

It was Spencer's turn to laugh now. “Come on, Em. You really think she would have risked the wrath of Alison to say hi to someone she just wanted to be friends with? She was practically drooling.”

Emily put her face in her hands and grumbled, “oh god, don't you start.”

Aria smoothed the back of Emily's head and said gently: “If you're this upset, Em, maybe you've already noticed a connection too. If you're honest with yourself.”

Emily lifted her head and looked between three pairs of expectant eyes. “I guess...I mean, maybe?”

All three beamed back at their friend and Emily suddenly felt hopeful.

“Okay, so that means it can be fixed,” said Spencer matter-of-factly. “How did you leave it?”

“She said I was just being nice to her out of pity because of Ali,” said Emily, side-eyeing Aria as did so.

“It's ok, Em,” the smaller girl said. “I'm not blind. I see what she's been doing.”

The others shifted uncomfortably. The guilt they each felt was still weighing heavily upon them and while it felt good to share it with friends, it was still a new experience for them all.

“I just didn't want to see,” Aria continued. “Self-preservation, I guess. Plus, Ali always made me feel so much older, y'know? Sophisticated. Like an adult. But when we went to that party I realised that actually, the reality was something I didn't really want. Plus...I kind of thought I was the only one who wasn't entirely happy."

Emily looked at her with sympathy. If only they'd all been honest with each other from the start, how different things could have been. But she couldn't dwell on that now. She had to focus on making things different in the future.

“So Spence, what's your grand plan?”

“I don't have one,” came the simple answer.

Emily looked confused. “But you said- ”

“I know what I said. But it's too simple to be a plan. You need to just go over there and convince her. You're pretty sure – and so are we – that's she's into you. So she's going to want to believe you. Just do whatever it takes to make her listen.”

“FLASH YOUR- ”

“Hanna, I'm begging you, do not finish that sentence.”

Emily couldn't help but laugh and soon the others were all joining in. It was empowering, having this group of girls who she knew were on her side no matter what.

But there was still something niggling at her.

“Guys, what about...what about Ali?”

The four of them looked at each other. Emily knew for her there was no going back but she wasn't sure about the other three.

“I'm tired, Em,” said Hanna. “I'm tired of being fat because I eat because Ali says I'm fat. It's a vicious cycle.”

“Circle,” said Spencer.

“What?”

“Vicious circle.”

“Great. Vicious circle. I'm tired of it, whatever it is. I don't want to be Hefty Hanna anymore.”

Emily walked to Hanna and enveloped her in a hug. Pretty soon she felt Aria's tiny arms squeezed around her, then Spencer leaning over them all and holding them tight.

“We're all tired, Han. But we're in this together.”

In the background, Emily's phone quietly buzzed with an incoming message.

 


	16. Chapter 16

****Emily leant against Spencer's kitchen island and looked at her friends. Their eyes glistened with tears, but there was happiness in the air.

She had never felt so connected to them as in that moment. Casting her gaze from one to the next, she couldn't have asked for a better group of girls in her life. She knew they were on her side now and she felt like she could do anything.

“Guys, I don't know how to tell you what all this means to me. That...that you're still my friends.”

Aria smiled kindly at her, reaching out her hand to take Emily's.

“This doesn't change anything, Em. You're still you.”

“Personally I'm glad you're not fishing in the same pool as me – the less competition the better. Especially when the competition looks like you,” said Hanna, laughing.

Spencer rolled her eyes indulgently in her direction before turning her attention back to Emily. “Em, I never cared you were into girls. I just cared you were into Ali.”

Emily cast her head downwards and felt guilt gnawing at her. It had taken her so long to work out her feelings for Alison. How could she explain it to her friends?

As if reading her mind, Spencer said: “I'm not judging you. We all fell for her charms in one way or another. I just knew that you would be the one who got hurt the worst.”

Emily raised her eyes and looked at them, shaking her head. “No. We all got hurt by Ali, in our own way. But that's in the past. I realised I'd been lying to myself about how I felt. I tried to see something in her that wasn't there. Spending time with Paige...it's made me realise how shallow my feelings for Ali really were.”

“So have you and McHottie made out yet?”

Again Spencer rolled her eyes and was about to admonish Hanna before Emily interjected.

“It's ok, Spence. It's actually a relief to finally be able to talk about it.”

Emily smiled then, a smile that lit up her face and made her eyes dance in the light from the lamps.

“No, Hanna, we haven't. She's going through some stuff right now and she's really scared. I was just starting to get somewhere, I think. Until today.”

Her smile faded as she remembered why she'd turned up at Spencer's in the first place.

“But you can fix it? Because damn, you two would make such a cute couple.”

Emily laughed at that, giving Hanna a wide, indulgent smile. _She really is one of the most genuine people around._

“Well, Spence seems to think I can. And she's one of the smartest people I know so...”

“Damn right I am. And I think you should strike while the iron's hot. The longer you leave her there to stew over it, the harder it'll be to convince her you're telling the truth.”

Emily paled slightly at the thought. “You really think so? I mean, wouldn't it be better to sleep on it? Let her cool down?”

“Stop stalling, Fields. Take a deep breath and go get your girl,” said Hanna, punching Emily playfully on the shoulder.

“Erm, Han, you don't have to start acting like a jock just cos I'm into girls.”

“But it's fun,” said Hanna, pouting, and the other three couldn't help but laugh.

Eventually Emily took a steadying breath and said: “So I'm really going to do this?”

All three nodded in agreement. Emily smiled and reached for her phone, noticing as she picked it up there was a message.

Unlocking it and reading the text, she suddenly felt like the walls were closing in, like all the air had been sucked out and she was falling into a vacuum.

Ali's message taunted her from the screen. Reminded her that life was never that easy.

Spencer was the first to react, walking to Emily's side. “Em, what's wrong?”

Emily couldn't speak, simply handed the phone to Spencer, whose eyes glared with anger before she showed the other two girls what the message said.

“Em, we can fix this. We'll...we'll come up with a solution. We just need a bit of time.”

Emily laid her hands flat on the marble of the island in an effort to cool the hot thoughts coursing through her. The anger. The fear. The sheer frustration of being beholden to Alison. All the decisions she'd made. All the pieces of herself she'd given away. All the friends she'd failed to protect. It had to stop.

Slowly she turned to face her friends.

“No. We don't need plans, remember? I know what I have to do. But I have to see Paige first.”

Without waiting to hear a response from the girls, she turned for the door and headed out into the night.

* * *

The crimson line grew fatter and bulged, before dropping tiny beads that travelled slowly downwards from their origin.

Paige breathed deeply. The sweet release was calming. The flash of metal on skin, the sharp sting, the pain. Oh the pain. She curled her arms around this most familiar of friends and held it to her. This pain she could nurture. She could relish. She could revel in the absolute certainty of it. And then she could heal it.

But not quite yet. She wasn't done. There were already two long, thin lines at the top of her thighs. Each one sent a tiny stream of blood trickling downwards. Normally Paige would stop. Normally one was enough. On rare occasions, she would cut again. But tonight was different. The aching chasm in her heart was too much to bear and the euphoria from the cuts just too short-lived to give her the relief she needed.

She picked up the razor again and laid it gently against the pale of her skin. The moonlight shone in through the window as she sat on her bed, glistening off the blade like a scene from some horror film.

It was a rare treat, to do this in the comfort of her room. Normally she would retreat to her bathroom and lock the door so she was shielded from prying eyes.

But her parents were away, both on conferences. They'd tried to sound apologetic about leaving Paige alone but she knew they didn't really care. It wasn't the first time. They compensated by leaving her a stack of bills. Of course, it came with the instruction not to spend it on junk food and to make sure she followed her training regime to the letter.

Paige didn't care. Swimming was her ticket out of Rosewood. Or, it had felt like that. After the disaster at the pool today it seemed it was just another thing she'd screwed up. An escape route washed away. And what was left? Without swimming, she had nothing. Was nothing.

Being alone was exactly what she needed. To fall into tiny fragments when no-one was looking, then try and put herself together again. But like a broken vase that's had its pieces glued back, she would never be the same.

She had cried for a long time when she arrived home, dumping her bike carelessly outside without a second thought and thundering up the stairs. Her pillow was soaked with tears long after they had dried from her eyes.

It was normally Alison who had her reaching for the razor. Sometimes out of frustration. Sometimes sadness. Sometimes pain. Now it was Emily. The agony that had torn through her was something she'd never felt before. Ali's words had been child's play compared to that. Being so tantalisingly close to the thing you wanted most in the world, only to be betrayed by it.

Paige looked at the blade where it rested on her thigh, cool and bright. She slowly pressed down harder, piercing the skin and drawing the blade towards her. A long slice, deeper than the first two, she realised, as the blood instantly started to pool around the sharp edge.

Again she took a deep breath and waited. The familiar calm. The delicious throb. The shutting down of the noise in her head. She closed her eyes and listened to the silence.

But barely seconds passed before everything rushed in again, all the fear and the loathing, the ache in her heart, the sound of Emily's voice in her ears and the touch of her hand on her cheek.

It was all Paige could do not to choke on her tears as they bubbled up and out of her in a fury. No cut could take away that torment, she realised. It was too big, too wide.

She looked at the blood that streaked her legs as if watching from afar. Fascinated by this life force, this substance that kept her alive. Kept her heart beating and her brain thinking when all she wanted them to do was stop. She looked at the veins in her arms, veins that carried this traitor on its neverending journey, pumping on and on and on. Never asking if it's what she wanted. Never asking permission. Just the brutal, inevitable march of life.

She felt light-headed, weak. The fight was draining from her and it brought her a kind of solace. She felt like she could just disappear, erase all the pain even if it meant it took her too.

Except...

_Emily._

If she could just see her one more time. Swim with her. Hold that glorious image for eternity.

She stood up, not even wincing as the shorts she was wearing dropped down over her fresh cuts.

Steadying herself, she brushed her hair back from her face with her hands and placed her fingertips over her eyes, feeling the sting below them.

The coolness calmed the anger of the soreness briefly, before she opened her eyes again, turned and headed for the stairs.

Padding quietly through the house, she reached the door at the back and opened it to reveal the calm serenity of the pool.

Stepping out with bare feet, the cool of the flagstones sent shivers up her spine. She walked steadily to the edge of the pool, lowered herself down and dangled her legs in. A sharp intake of breath was the only sound on the wind, the only indication there was someone out there. Someone alive. Everything else about Paige felt empty and cavernous. Like a cave hollowed out by years of corrosive waves.

She didn't look at the water. To do so would be to see herself. And she didn't want that. She wanted to see Emily.

Letting herself slip in, she floated briefly before ducking down and propelling herself to the bottom of the pool. Reaching out, she found the familiar gap in the tiles on instinct alone.

Pushing her weight down, she sat on the bottom of the pool. She already felt dizzy, much quicker than normal. It wouldn't take long. The pain was already ebbing away.

She would come soon. Her mermaid. Her beautiful Emily. She just had to hold on long enough to see her. Her fingers tightened their grip on the tile even as her limbs were getting heavier. Still she searched the water for her. _Please come to me. One last time._

* * *

Emily smoothed down her hair and adjusted her sweater for what felt like the millionth time since she'd left Spencer's and finally plucked up the courage to ring the bell at the McCullers residence.

The wait as she listened to the nothingness within did little to calm her nerves. She rang again, but still no noise came from inside. Walking back down the drive she looked up and saw a light in one of the bedrooms. She had no idea which one was Paige's but it at least meant someone was in. There were no cars in the drive so it had to be her.

_Maybe she's out back putting in some laps. I wouldn't put it past her._

Emily shifted from one foot to the other, unsure of what to do. It was a bold move to just walk into someone's backyard but it felt like she had no choice. Especially after the text from Ali.

Taking a shuddering breath, she adjusted her sweater – again – and headed for the back of the house.

As she rounded the corner, she could see the pool bathed in the moon's glow. It was beautiful, its surface unbroken and sparkling. She looked around and spotted Paige's bike dumped on the lawn. _That's weird, she usually takes such good care of that thing._

Her eyes were pulled back to the pool. As with Paige, the water was always a draw for her. She walked closer, more and more of the pool exposing itself to her.

She saw the blood first, a slight tinge of red marring the perfect blue. She quickened her pace and it was then that she saw her.

Paige looked like a discarded rag doll, her limbs floppy and limp apart from one arm that steadfastly grasped something Emily couldn't see.

It took a split second for her to plunge into the water, desperately pushing it out and back behind her as she forced her body towards Paige.

She looked up then, a kind of peace settling over her as she saw Emily. Her grip loosened on the hand-hold and she let herself drift. _Finally._

It felt like an eternity to Emily but it was just seconds before she had her arms around Paige's waist and was pushing her upwards with every ounce of strength she had.

They burst through the surface and both gasped for air – Emily out of necessity, Paige on pure instinct.

Emily was still gripping on to her tightly and trying to swim her to the wall but Paige began to struggle.

She felt everything rushing back in as if a switch had been flicked. Her lungs screamed, her cuts raged under the water and she felt like she'd been torn physically from a dream she never wanted to end.

She grasped the hands that knit tightly around her and roughly pulled them apart before rounding on the person behind her.

The sight of Emily winded her again, the lungs that had been so desperate for oxygen now suddenly shocked into inaction.

_Am I still dreaming?_

She stared at her - the fear in her eyes, the shock on her face, the clothes she was wearing - and a realisation dawned on her that crept up her back like a spider walking on her spine.

Shame, that old friend, stretched out its limbs and settled across her chest like a dead weight. She tried to breathe but no matter how hard she gulped for air she couldn't seem to get enough.

Staring wide-eyed at Emily, she began to move for the side, hauling herself out and standing immobile by the side of the pool.

Emily was beside her in a second. “Paige, what happened, did you hit your head? Did you get dizzy?”

Emily reached out for her, wanting to check her over but Paige wrenched away from the touch.

“Leave me alone, Emily.”

The familiar anger from earlier rose quickly within Emily this time and the hot words shot from her mouth.

“Leave you alone? I just pulled you out of the water. If I'd left you alone, what did you think would have happened?”

“I don't care,” Paige said before turning and heading for the house, trailing water behind her as she went.

Emily stood stunned, dripping from head to toe, slowly losing feeling in her fingers and toes.

She wasn't going to let Paige walk away from her this time.

Starting after her she broke into a run and caught up with Paige as she reached the door.

Grabbing her arm she tried to stop her but Paige pulled it from her grip and carried on, her intent unwavering.

Still Emily followed. “Paige you have to talk to me. Please.”

Up the stairs they went, Emily close on Paige's heels, not giving a thought to where she was or what she was doing.

Paige headed into what Emily thought must be her bedroom so she followed in only to practically slam into Paige as she came to an abrupt stop and turned to face her.

“Paige, I'm scared, please tell me what's going on.”

Paige lifted her head and looked into her eyes, her own sorrowful but pleading. For what, she didn't know. Peace, maybe. Or rescue.

Her eyes drifted down Paige's body and saw the cuts where her shorts had ridden up and stuck to the top of her thighs.

And then, it clicked into place. Emily knew in that moment it hadn't been an accident. Knew she had been just in time.

The fear threatened to overwhelm her but there was another emotion that fought it - and won.

Rage coursed through her as she lunged for Paige, shoving her hard with both hands.

Paige was too shocked to prepare herself and went stumbling backwards, just managing to keep her balance enough not to fall.

“Emily, what are you- ”

“You don't get to do that,” she said, pointing at Paige's thigh. “Not any more.”

Paige bristled and stood taller, challenging the other girl.

“I can do what I want.”

Emily shoved her again but she was ready for her this time, planting her feet and refusing to budge.

Still Emily continued to push her, anger coursing through her arms and tears running down her face.

“You can't. You don't get to do that.”

The tears were uncontrollable now. Shuddering through her body as much as the cold that shook her muscles.

“You can't leave. You can't leave me.”

Paige stepped back, dazed, shaking her head, the wet strands of hair gently whipping the sides of her face and reminding her this was real.

“What- what did you say?”

Emily lowered her head, her own wet hair falling around her and hiding her face. Suddenly feeling drained and exposed.

“I said you can't leave me.”

It was soft and fragile and barely heard but it crept into Paige's ears and whispered to her heart. She looked down and realised her hands had grabbed hold of Emily's wrists as she'd pushed her. She could feel the twitch of her skin, the jump of her pulse, quickening. Ever quickening. She let go. It was too real.

Emily raised her head then and looked into Paige's eyes. She stepped forwards and reached out, gently tucking wet strands of hair behind Paige's ear, her fingertips trailing down to her earlobe and dancing on her cheek.

“Don't leave me,” she whispered and Paige felt the breath from her words settling over her lips. She licked that breath from her lips, licked this piece of Emily and let it settle in her mouth. Letting the fact of her course through her body. _This is real._

Reaching out her own hand, she mirrored Emily's action, revelling in the softness of the skin beneath it.

She brushed away beads of water from her face with her thumb, tracing it down her cheek to the corner of her mouth, her eyes settling on Emily's lips.

And then she did the only thing she could do. The only thing her body would allow in that moment.

Paige leant forward and pressed her lips to Emily's. It felt like the most outrageous thing she would ever do in her life.

Discovering the softness of Emily's lips was like learning a new sensation. More than touch. More than feeling. She pressed firmly against them, delicate and sweet. Her hand brushed from Emily's cheek to the back of her neck and wound into the hair there. Pulling her closer, closer, feeling all of her exploding through her body like a shot of adrenaline. Emily's mouth moved against her own, pressing back, her own hand slipping around Paige's waist and drawing her towards her, their bodies pushed together tightly.

Eventually they broke apart breathless, still entwined, Emily breathing out as Paige breathed in. The to and fro of the air between them maintaining their connection as they stared at each other. Both trembled almost uncontrollably. Neither could say if it was the coldness of the water or the heat of their desire. The air crackled between them as if they had created an electrical charge.

Paige brought her hand back around to Emily's cheek, causing her to shiver harder.

“You're cold,” she whispered.

“So are you,” Emily replied, looking down at their bodies. Still merged together. Still chlorine-soaked and sodden.

Gently she eased back and let her eyes fall to the hem of Paige's tank top. Her hand slowly crept around from the small of Paige's back to the front, her thumb teasing underneath the fabric as it went, trailing tiny goosebumps in its wake.

Her other hand mirrored the first, both lightly gripping the edge of the cotton. The two girls stared at one another, the room, the house, the neighbourhood, falling away. Peripheral vision was gone and all that could be seen was Emily and Paige. Paige and Emily. Blood pounded in their ears, hearts beat in unison. The hammering was almost too much. Almost.

Emily saw the desire in Paige, saw the hope. There was fear too, as Emily held on, the material bunched in her hands. And something else. She wasn't sure what.

Slowly Paige moved her own hands to cover Emily's and gently removed them. She felt the loss immediately, the cold of her body suddenly brought into sharp focus.

But Paige brought her own hands to the hem of her top and slowly lifted the soaking garment up her torso and over her arms, balling it up and holding it in front her, naked from the waist up.

And Emily knew then what she'd seen, the bravery making her heart swell with pride.

She reached out and took the top from Paige, throwing it to the floor. Her head was bent low, her arms hanging heavily at her sides, her breathing swift and deep.

Emily watched as her chest heaved up and down, her pale body quivering, exposed.

She reached and ran her fingers across Paige's stomach, the muscles jumping underneath her touch. _She's so cold._

Reaching back to her own sweater, she pulled it off and let it land on the floor before wrapping her arms around the other girl and pulling her in, pressing her lips against Paige's and pouring all the warmth she had into her.

They shivered against each other, a delicious mixture of cold skin and searing desire, burning from the inside out.

Paige held on to Emily with every ounce of strength she had, running her hands up her sides, around her back, down the curve of her spine. Teasing her fingers under the straps of her bra. Along the top of her jeans. Her brain had long since given up trying to make sense of what was happening, relinquishing control to her heart, her lungs, her blood.

Her skin was alive, singing a chorus of want across every inch, desperate to feel Emily's own skin against it. Pushing into Emily, she walked her towards the bed until the backs of her knees felt the mattress behind her and she dropped down onto it. Paige's body screamed to be touching her again but she dropped to her knees and gently slipped one hand behind Emily's calf while the other stroked its way to her ankle before slipping off her shoe. Paige never moved her eyes from Emily's as she repeated the action with her other foot. She watched in fascination as Emily's whole body seemed to heave with each breath, her breasts straining against the lace of her bra.

But the split second wait was too long for Emily. She stood and reached for Paige again, devouring her lips with a crushing need. Turning Paige around, she pushed her towards the bed before letting her go and reaching for her jeans. Her fingers were numb and she was struggling with the buttons until she felt Paige's hands pushing her own away. She looked up and her eyes met Paige's again. What she saw caught the breath in her throat, so intense was the look in Paige's eyes. She popped the buttons on Emily's jeans roughly, Emily shrugging herself out of the soaked garment with some difficulty, so firmly was it stuck to her skin.

Paige drank her in. Her eyes roamed across her caramel skin, the hair on the back of her neck standing on end, her fingertips twitching almost imperceptibly, desperate to touch her again.

Emily didn't make her wait. Pushing her gently backwards, she watched as Paige pulled herself towards the head of the bed, slowly crawling on all fours towards her.

The moon shone through the window and bathed them in ethereal light, glittering off the water in the tumbler on the bedside cabinet. Off the silver edge of the picture frame on the wall.

And off the scars that lay on Paige's stomach.

Tears sprang to Emily's eyes as she saw the brutal handiwork inflicted there. She couldn't stop them from falling, didn't want to. Paige had turned her head away from her, but she kept staring. Willing her to feel her eyes on her. Eventually, Paige met them. Emily needed her to see her own pain, her own fear.

Slowly Emily brought the tip of her forefinger to her eyes and gathered the tears there. Lowering it to Paige's stomach, she traced it gently across the silver track of a scar. Paige's eyes closed tightly. It was all she could do to keep breathing as Emily anointed her with her tears, each scar lovingly revered, the skin brought to life by her touch.

Over and over, across the scars that had hissed their nasty little secrets at Paige for so long. Now they were humming. New words were forming, new secrets to be revealed. Emily traced a scar along her ribcage. _Hope,_ it sighed. Another, running just below her navel. _Belonging._ Stretching out beneath the swell of her breast. _Desire._

Her eyes opened then and her own tears escaped, trickling down the side of her face and into her pillow. Mixing with the ones she had shed earlier but so different from those, so very different.

Emily leant over Paige, her raven hair falling around their faces like a shield, locking them in this moment. She bent her head down and gently kissed the tears as they fell from Paige's eyes, licking the saltiness of them.

Paige reached up and wiped Emily's own tears, placing her fingertips to her lips and smearing them there.

She grabbed for Emily then and kissed her, the passion suddenly released by the simple action of acceptance. It poured into Emily and she felt drunk with it, intoxicated by the hunger.

Her arms trembled and she gave in to their protestations, falling on to Paige, pressing their bare stomachs against each with a whimper as they kissed. She ran her tongue over Paige's bottom lip only for it to move immediately, allowing her to dip inside and gently tease the tip of Paige's own tongue. Dancing back and forth, the lightest of touches causing her stomach to flip over and over again. Paige's hands smoothed across the soft expanse of Emily's back, finally finding the clasp to her bra and gently easing it apart. Emily arched into her, once, before leaning back on her heels and crossing her arms across her chest. Paige held her breath. She heard the blood in her veins buzzing, threatening to short-circuit her senses as she watched Emily slowly pull the bra from herself.

Emily's beauty was almost too much for Paige. She felt dazzled by it, struck dumb. Immobilised. It was a flash of uncertainty that crossed Emily's face as a consequence which broke her from her reverie.

Slowly, she reached out and ran her hands up Emily's sides, every shiver now, she was sure, down to her touch. Their bodies were fire and heat, ablaze with the very existence of each other.

Paige worshipped Emily with her hands, tracing patterns across her skin, slow languid turns and twists, drawing her devotion over and over. Working down each step of her spine, feeling the vertebrae shift and move beneath her. Swirling up and down her sides, rhythmic and hypnotic. Snaking across her stomach, around her navel, upwards, relentless, to her breasts. Paige held them tentatively, scared to hurt her but still desperate to touch. She raised her eyes to Emily's and found them heavy-lidded and dark with need. She pushed herself up so Emily was straddling her lap, holding her with strong arms wrapped around her back.

Paige dipped her head then and pressed a kiss to Emily's breast, feeling her chest push forwards as she desperately took a steadying breath. Her tongue traced the patterns her fingers had just seconds before, soon finding the edge of Emily's nipple. She ran it around the sensitive area, careful not to touch it with anything but her hot breath. She wanted to savour the moment, the sweet anticipation. Emily moaned and the sound was enough to cause Paige's resolve to disappear in an instant. Her lips closed over Emily's nipple and she sucked it into her mouth, gently at first but with a rising insistence that Emily could barely cope with. She wound her hands tightly into Paige's hair, grabbing fistfuls of it as hot sparks flared through her.

She pushed Paige back, causing her to lose contact and a pout to form on her mouth which Emily would have found adorable if it hadn't disappeared in an instant as soon as she put her lips to Paige's own breast. One hand teased and turned a nipple between its fingers while her tongue flicked at the other, her teeth grazing over the surface and eliciting wordless cries from Paige's mouth. Emily kissed her way down her body, across her abdomen and to the edge of Paige’s shorts. Leaning back, she pulled them carefully down her body. Paige slipped her hands into the last remaining piece of clothing between them and gently eased it down over Emily's ass and legs.

Emily looked at the fresh scars on Paige's thighs and gently began to press her lips along the length of each one, a trail quickly followed by her tongue. She could taste the chlorine from the pool. The faint iron of blood. The subtle uniqueness of Paige.

Kissing her way back up she travelled the length of Paige's neck, revelling in the strong, steady beat she found there, pulsing to the rhythm of her own heart. She looked down, her eyelashes fluttering against Paige's eyelids, impossibly delicate. Impossibly unbreakable.

Every inch of their bodies was pressed against the other, limbs tangled, fingers knitted with flesh, breath mingled with breath.

Emily's hand slowly edged down, watching Paige's eyes for any sign of fear or hesitation.

She found none.

Slowly she drew her fingers through the silky, liquid heat of Paige, covering them with the sweetness of her. It was exquisite, an oasis drawing her in. Whatever had kept them apart was now pushing them together. There was no restraint in their bodies. No shame. Emily watched as Paige writhed beneath her, her hips pushing upwards, desperate for more.

Slowly, she pushed inside her, feeling the walls swallowing her, pulling her in, watching as Paige's mouth fell open, silently. She began to move then, stroking her lover, reaching inside and drawing moans from deep within her.

Paige moved effortlessly with her, as if they had been learning this dance their whole lives. Just waiting for this moment. She felt Emily pushing her out to the farthest reaches of an ocean, her back arching with each wave.

Emily moved faster, searching further inside Paige, her exploration a revelation to her. She began to circle her thumb at the same time and Paige bucked beneath her.

“Open your eyes,” she whispered and Paige obliged, looking up at her through a haze.

“Just hold on to me. Hold on.”

And Paige did. It was the only thing she could do.

They moved together in the night like light dancing on the water, fluid and magical, faster and faster until the ripples of ecstasy within Paige finally crashed onto the shore. She let out a strangled cry from deep within her as all the pieces of her shattered in soaring, agonising perfection. Seconds of suspension in pleasure, of pure feeling and joy, of being alive finally, inexplicably. And then the rush as all the pieces hurtled back together and she was whole and new and resurrected with the love of Emily Fields.

The world still spun. The moon still cast its spotlight upon them. But everything had changed and they held the feeling tight between them. Whispering their secrets to each other with fingers and mouths over and over til dawn.

 


	17. Chapter 17

The warm glow of the sun cut through the tree outside Paige's window and sent dappled shadows of leaves dancing across the room.

The wind in the branches scattered them this way and that, chasing across the walls and ceilings in lazy races of the early morning.

They tiptoed gently over the bodies of two girls, young and in love, their limbs entwined, their breathing steady and deep.

Paige began to stir, wondered what the weight was against her, wondered what it was that was tickling her nose.

Opening her eyes, she looked down and found all the air stolen from her body as the night's events came rushing back to her. Emily's left leg is draped across her own. Her head is nestled high on Paige's chest, wisps of raven hair sticking upwards, the culprits of the nose-tickling.

Eventually, Paige's body remembers what it's meant to be doing and oxygen once again fills her lungs. She watches as her chest moves up and down, Emily's head moving with it.

Suddenly aware of her arm lying protectively across Emily's waist, she gently moves her fingers to feel the achingly soft skin beneath them. A small moan escapes Emily's mouth from far back in her throat. A hum. It vibrates across Paige's chest and sends shivers up and down her spine.

She shifts a little but remains asleep, her limbs heavy and warm against Paige's own. Leaning a little closer, Paige breathes in the scent of her hair, moves her hand upwards to gently run her fingers through it. She had been right, it was just like water running across her hand, so silky was it. She smiled at the thought, smiled at yesterday's Paige. The one who had believed this was impossible.

And yet...

She ran her hand from Emily's hair down her back, causing her to arch into her body, pushing herself into Paige's thigh.

Paige's hand stilled, afraid to wake her, but the faintest hint of a disappointed whine was followed by Emily raising her eyes slowly and sleepily to look at Paige.

“Good morning,” she said, the shyness in her voice so evident that Paige would have started to panic if it wasn't for the circles Emily was now drawing on her stomach with the tip of her finger.

It may have taken away her doubts but it had also shed her of her ability to speak and Emily stopped, she now wondering if Paige was the one with regrets.

She started to look away, withdrawing her hand and moving from her position but Paige gently put her hand under her chin and pulled her towards her, leaning forward and capturing her lips in a languid kiss, one full of confidence and reassurance.

“Good morning to you too,” she managed to breathe out as they parted, her heart beating fast in her chest.

A smile crept across Emily's face, tentative at first and then transforming into the kind of dazzling grin that would knock Paige off her feet if she was standing up.

Paige's own smile matched it and Emily felt that if she could never look at anything else her whole life, it wouldn't matter. Paige's eyes twinkled in a way she'd seen so rarely before but it transformed her. She'd never looked more beautiful, bathed in the light of the early dawn, her skin tinged with pink, hair falling in an adorably untidy mass across the pillow she lay on.

Emily knew she was staring, wasn't sure if she should be, but she couldn't tear her eyes away. She wanted to memorise everything about this moment. It felt like a beginning but not just that. An ending too. Of fear. Of secrets. Of not belonging.

She reached out and ran her fingers across Paige's cheek, watching as she closed her eyes and lent into the touch. She swept the tips gently across her forehead, her eyelids, her nose, her chin, committing all her features to the memory of touch. Gently she ran her thumb across the rose-coloured lips she had already kissed so many times, and would do so many more. Paige opened her eyes and gently parted her lips, her tongue flicking out and meeting the pad of Emily's thumb.

Their eyes locked and Emily felt heat course through her body, felt her heart speed up, felt her skin tingle with anticipation. She pushed herself upwards and replaced her thumb with her lips, her tongue immediately searching out Paige's with a hunger that was so intense Paige could barely comprehend it. All the uncertainty of the morning was gone in an instant, their physical connection laying waste to the anxiety.

Emily hovered over Paige as she continued to kiss her with everything she had, exploring her mouth with her tongue, flicking and teasing, taking Paige's bottom lip between her teeth and gently sucking and biting at it.

Paige was quickly losing her mind, tiny explosions of pleasure breaking out like goosebumps across every inch of her skin, her fingers holding tight to Emily's shoulders as if scared she would be taken away from her. She managed to open her eyes and saw the mischievous glint in Emily's eye as she pulled back and began to slowly circle around her nipple with her finger. Torturously close but not close enough.

“Feels pretty good, huh? I seem to remember you teasing me like this last night. Not with your fingers though.”

Emily lowered her head and repeated the action with her tongue, skirting the edges of Paige's nipple and robbing her of her breath.

It took a superhuman effort but somehow Paige, her competitive spirit awoken by this playful version of Emily, managed to re-engage her brain long enough to grab hold of Emily's arms and flip their positions, forcing her onto her back, settling astride her with her legs pinned to her hips and her hands holding her wrists.

The look of shock on Emily's face was almost reward enough and Paige couldn't help but let out a throaty laugh before lowering her head towards Emily's breasts.

“You mean like this?”

Her breath tickled Emily's sensitive skin, causing her to squirm beneath her.

“Paige,” she whined, the sound of a pout as much evident as the pained expression on her face.

“No, no way. I'm not letting you off easy this time, Fields.”

Emily couldn't help but release a giggle at that, knowing at once that Paige meant business. She'd heard that tone before so many times at swim practice. It didn't mean she couldn't have some fun of her own though. She stopped struggling and lifted her arms slowly up towards the pillows, Paige's hands still attached to her wrists.

Fixing her with her best smouldering look, she softly purred: “Do your worst, McCullers. I surrender.”

The act of compliance was enough to momentarily knock Paige off her stride – it's hard to be competitive when your opposition has waved the white flag.

But it didn't last long. She cast her eyes across the girl lying beneath her. The warmth and depth of her caramel skin. The darkness of her eyes as she breathed heavily. The tangle of her hair, wild and unruly and, Paige thought proudly, a consequence of the night before. She did just as Emily had done earlier, committing to memory this vision before her like a snapshot to store away forever.

And then she began her mission of making more memories, once again dipping her head to Emily's chest, swirling her tongue in ever decreasing circles around her nipple. A millimetre closer each time, stopping every now and then to blow across the wet trail she had left, eliciting a gasp from Emily when she did so.

“Paige,” Emily whined again, this time with more urgency and it caused Paige to grin with satisfaction.

“I thought you wanted me to do my worst?” she laughed, continuing her lazy circles.

Emily thrust her chest up, desperate for more contact but Paige was ready for her this time, and quickly moved away, raising an eyebrow in question as Emily glared at her.

“Please Paige.”

She looked down at Emily again and suddenly felt overwhelmed by the moment. This girl, this woman, so desperate, so full of desire. For _her._ Paige felt her stomach flip at the thought, felt an urgent need take over all her body. She knew in that moment that she loved Emily Fields. Had loved her for a long time. And would continue to love her no matter what.

Starting right then.

Teasing over, she immediately took Emily's nipple in her mouth and sucked on it, hard. Her name, which now escaped Emily's lips once again, sounded completely different as she arched off the bed and closer to Paige's body. She nipped lightly, stroking her tongue firmly across it, feeling how hard it was, the skin around it puckered and strained.

Her other hand reached out blindly and found Emily's opposite nipple, teasing it between thumb and forefinger, rolling and pulling it gently.

Emily's moans were getting louder, her hips moving in time with Paige's own as they thrust together slowly.

Paige wanted to take her time but she was overwhelmed by Emily's body rocking below her, sensing her building need.

“Paige, please,” Emily said as her squirming increased.

Moving her mouth from her nipple, she began to kiss her way down Emily's body. She ran her tongue across her chest, stopping momentarily to feel the steady beat of her heart against her lips. She kissed across the swell of her breast, her ribcage, down towards her belly button, dipping her tongue inside and causing another jerk from Emily.

She ran her hands across her hip bones and followed the path inwards across the tops of her thighs. Emily's breath was fast and shallow as she anticipated what was to come.

Looking down she caught Paige's eyes as she began to move slowly backwards, settling herself between Emily's legs. They stared at each other for just a second but it was enough to say everything each needed to know. A smile tugged at the corner of Emily's lips as she watched Paige lower herself but it was gone in an instant as she felt her tongue sweep across the wetness that had quickly gathered between her legs. Paige's eyes still met her own as she began to move her tongue across her in long, firm strokes. She tried to hold the gaze but her thighs began to tremble and the liquid feeling rising from low in her stomach was spreading through her limbs. She let her head drop back onto the pillow and give in to the pleasure rocketing through her system. _Your worst is pretty damn good, McCullers._

Paige shut her eyes and relished the taste of Emily on her tongue. She teased at her entrance and smiled into her as Emily's hips bucked up. Her tongue flicked up to her clit, just once, a strangled cry escaping Emily's lips before she returned to dip slightly inside her.

“Fuck, Paige. I can't...please,” Emily pleaded and Paige knew then she would always give in to Emily Fields.

She sucked Emily's clit into her mouth at the same time as pushing two fingers inside her, causing Emily to rise off the bed, her mouth gasping for breath, all the air having left her body as Paige entered her.

Paige began to move slowly, the rhythm of her fingers matched by the sucking of her mouth as she revelled in the taste and the feel of Emily. It was intoxicating, a feeling heightened even more by the sound of Emily above her, whimpering in the same rhythmic pattern.

She raised her head, causing a cry of frustration from Emily that was quickly silenced as Paige pressed her lips to hers and Emily tasted her own desire there. Paige's thigh pushed upwards to give her more pressure as she straddled Emily's leg and coated it with her own wetness.

They began to move together, Emily's hands digging into Paige's shoulders, giving her as much pain as pleasure. She felt the muscles flexing beneath her fingers, strong and supple. She felt Paige inside her, reaching in, exploring, possessing her. Part of her. She felt her breath, hot and ragged in her ear. Felt as well as heard her own words echoed back at her. “Hold on to me, Em. Just hold on.”

She felt her everywhere, all at once, the sensations so deliciously overwhelming that she wondered how she had ever existed without experiencing this.

Paige stroked her lovingly, reverently even. Soon though she was taking her cue from the change of pace of Emily's thrusts towards her fingers, quickening her own, her face flushed as she raised her head to watch Emily, her eyes closed, lips parted.

They moved together as if always designed to do just that, their hips in perfect harmony. Paige moved her thumb to Emily's clit and it was all Emily could do to cling to her. _Just hold on._ She felt utterly safe in Paige's arms, but totally out of control at the same time, like gasoline ablaze on the surface of water.

Paige thrust harder, deeper, curling her fingers each time she pulled back. Everything was bright and vivid, colours danced and flashed across her eyes, sparks ignited in every cell as her back arched and she fell over the edge into sweet oblivion, pleasure breaking over her again and again as Paige's name was torn from her lips.

It was the most amazing thing Paige had ever seen, watching Emily Fields come utterly undone beneath her. _Because_ of her. She blinked as if her eyes were shutters, capturing another moment. Something she could look at again and again. _This is real._

She slid her arms underneath Emily's back and held her tight, letting her breathing even out as the tiny aftershocks worked their way through her body. She placed a kiss on the end of her nose, tickled her cheeks with her eyelashes, pecked kisses along her neck until finally she found a spot that made Emily squirm and come back to her body. _I must remember that. For next time._ The thought caused another grin to break out across her face. Emily's blinking eyes finally focussed on her again and she looked at her with a smile of her own, this one accompanied by a slightly crinkled brow.

“What are you grinning about?”

Paige let out a breath that was half laugh, half sigh.

“This. Us.”

Emily's eyes shone at the words. _There's an us._

“Yeah. We're pretty great.”

Paige laughed, the vibrations passing from her body to Emily's and causing her to giggle too.

Paige shifted so she was lying next to Emily, their bodies mirroring each other, heads resting on one palm, one arm draped over the other's hip.

There was so much Paige wanted to say but didn't know how to begin. How to even comprehend how she got from the bottom of the pool to this position right now. Lying in bed with Emily Fields.

“Em, what happens now?”

Emily couldn't help but smile. Hearing Paige call her that was another marker on a rapidly expanding highlight reel. It seemed so different coming from her. Like a promise. Like devotion.

She reached out and traced her finger along Paige's face and down her jaw.

“This. Us.”

Paige smiled at Emily's use of her own words. And she couldn't argue with the sentiment. It all seemed so simple here, in her room.

“Yeah. We're pretty great,” she said, earning a laugh from Emily.

Her face soon turned serious though and Paige's brow creased in question.

“Em? What's wrong?”

Emily swallowed. She didn't want to break this moment but she knew she had to.

“Paige, what were you doing in the pool? Why...why were you down there?” She dreaded hearing the answer but she had to know. Her connection to Paige was so deep, had happened so fast, that she needed to understand what had been going through her mind.

Paige closed her eyes tight, trying to rid herself of the feelings that threatened to overwhelm her. Emily smoothed her fingers over her eyelids, gently easing away the tension.

“Paige, it's ok. I'm not going anywhere. I just want to understand.”

Paige opened her eyes and saw the concern in Emily's eyes. Maybe fear too. And as much as her own instinct was to bury her feelings, like she always had done, she knew she never wanted to be the cause of what she saw in Emily at that moment.

“I don't know. It's something I've done for a while. I swim down to the bottom of the pool. It always brought me some peace, y'know? The water.”

Emily nodded, smoothed her fingers along Paige's arm in reassurance, the action leaving prickles of heat in its wake.

“And...and I found that when I'd been down there a while, I started to...to imagine things.”

“What things?”

Paige swallowed. “Sometimes I'd see...I'd see a mermaid.”

“I didn't know you had a thing for mermaids,” Emily said, shifting her hand so she could tickle Paige's side, causing her to shriek and squirm beneath her.

“Stop!” Paige said between giggles, then, once she'd calmed down, she turned serious again.

“I'm not into mermaids. It was just one. It was just...you.”

“Me?”

Paige thought it would be harder to be honest with Emily, to reveal all she had been holding in for so long but now, lying here, naked in her bed, she felt exposed in a way she never would have thought could be a good thing.

But she was laid bare before Emily and it felt liberating. She wanted it for her mind, her soul, as much as she had wanted it for her body.

“I've liked you for forever, Em. Ever since that day we met in the locker room. I know I told you I didn't remember but how could I ever forget it? I felt like high school would be the start of something amazing. I didn't really know what my feelings meant back then, I thought I just wanted a friend.

“But it was hard, my dad...you know what he's like. Everything is about swimming and I didn't have time to become the friend I wanted to be.

“Then you met other people and I was happy for you, of course, but I missed you. I missed the idea of you in my life.”

Emily reached out and tucked a lock of hair behind Paige's ear and ran her thumb across it, just as she had the night before. Now, as then, her touch spoke of reassurance. It urged Paige to be brave.

“And then one day, Ali warned me off.”

Emily's face dropped and her mouth went dry.

“What do you mean, she warned you off?”

Paige looked away briefly, ashamed of the words she was about to speak. “She told me that she saw the way I looked at you. I told her we were just friends and that nothing was going on. I mean, it wasn't. I hadn't even been honest with myself at that point.

“But she said it didn't matter once a rumour got started. Or once _she_ started it. I felt so guilty, I knew I'd been following you around like a lost puppy so it would have been my fault. I couldn't handle being the one to cause you pain. So...so I just stopped talking to you.”

She closed her eyes then, the tears that had formed threatening to spill so easily. Emily closed the gap between them and gently kissed the edges of her eyes. Took the salty tears into her mouth as if trying to consume Paige's pain and make it her own.

“I'm so sorry. I had no idea. I thought...I thought you'd found out about me. That it...that you didn't want to be near me anymore.” Her voice was barely a whisper, the anger she felt towards Alison in that moment being surpassed by the awful realisation that was dawning on her.

“Em, it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Walking away from you. I tried to pretend I just wanted to be friends but in the end I just gave in. Fighting it was too hard but then I didn't know what to do. So the only time I'd allow myself to think about you was out at the pool. I'd go down to the bottom and wait for you to appear. And that's what I was doing today. Except this time...this time I guess I didn't care if I made it back to the surface.”

Emily reached out and tenderly placed her palm across the scars on Paige's stomach. Tears began to fall from her own eyes as she imagined the pain, the torment, the loneliness.

“So this...” she said, gently moving her hand across Paige's belly. “This is my fault. You walked away to protect me. And this is what happened.”

She was crying openly now and Paige moved quickly to scoop her into her arms, smoothing her hand over her hair, whispering into her ear. “No, Em. None of this is your fault. Please. You have to believe me.”

She pulled back slightly so she could look into Emily's eyes. So she could see the determination, the honesty. “The only person to blame for this is Alison. She's...relentless. It wasn't enough that I wasn't talking to you anymore. It was like she had to destroy everything else as well. Just in case.”

Emily knew Paige was right but it wasn't the whole story. “I should have fought harder. For you.”

It was Paige's turn to look questioningly at Emily, who took a shaky breath before continuing.

“I think a part of me always knew I had feelings for you but I just didn't realise it. Meeting you that day in the locker room, you were so kind, your hand was so warm. I just felt so calm around you even though I was terrified about starting high school. And your voice...”

Paige arched an eyebrow in amusement. “My voice, huh?”

Emily rolled her eyes, smiling. “Yeah, your voice. You know you've got that husky thing working for ya.”

Paige smiled but it faded as she realised this was just a respite from what was a tough story for Emily to tell.

There was no space between them already, their legs tangled together, arms wrapped around each other, but still Paige managed to hug her a little tighter, before relaxing a little, urging her to continue.

“When you stopped talking to me, I thought it was because you'd figured out I was gay. That you didn't want to be associated with me. Ali had already worked it out, so why not you too?

“I really missed you but you changed so much. I should have seen why. All those times Alison humiliated you in front of everyone. I should have done something, Paige. I should have stood up for you. I never realised how bad it was until...until I saw your scars that day at the pool.

“That's when I realised I had to do something. Because I couldn't stand the thought of you hurting yourself.”

She was crying again now and Paige tried her best to calm her, stroking her cheek, wiping away the tears as they fell but never quite being fast enough to catch them all. “It's ok, I understand. Shhhh, it's okay now.”

Emily covered Paige's hand with her own and stilled it. “No, I have to say this. Please.”

Paige nodded and took Emily's hand in hers, lacing their fingers together and kissing Emily's knuckles.

“I was scared. Ali had something over all of us. A hold. For me, it was my sexuality and I was terrified she was going to out me. She'd said as much. I knew that I was turning into someone I hated and once I realised how much pain you were in, I knew I had to change.

“But Paige, pity, guilt – they're not the reason I was trying to be your friend. I was trying to save myself too. Trying to be that girl in the locker room again, the one I knew you liked. I wanted to be better for me but for you too, to be the person you had been so kind to. I wanted you in my life. I _do_ want you in my life.

“When I saw you in the pool, god. I was terrified that I was too late. I need you to know that it wouldn't have just been too late for you, but for me too. Because this,” she said, laying their linked hands on Paige's heart, “this is where I'm meant to be. With you. I can't do this without you.”

Paige's heart swelled at the words. As much as the previous night had been beyond her imaginings, Emily's words touched her just as deeply and she was momentarily unable to speak.

She laid Emily's hand on her heart and placed her own on Emily's chest.

“It's beating because of you. _For you_. I'm not going anywhere, Em.”

 


	18. Chapter 18

Paige slowly opened her eyes, blinking furiously at the now bright sunlight that was streaming in through the window.

She smiled as she realised they'd fallen asleep again. Emily's warm body was still curled up beside her. Paige could feel the tickle of her breath against her chest. The steady rise and fall as she breathed.

She stretched out what muscles she could without disturbing her, feeling like a cat after a long and satisfying nap.

She grinned as she thought how much better it was to wake up like this rather than at the crack of dawn to the sound of her alarm for-

“Holy shit!”

Paige shot out of bed and grabbed her phone as Emily, startled and disorientated, rubbed sleep from her eyes. “What's going on?” she said through a yawn.

She looked at Paige, who was pale and agitated, clutching her phone and pacing back and forth.

“No no no,” she said, in a panicked voice.

Emily got out of bed and went to her immediately, stopping her in her tracks by placing her hands on her shoulders.

“Paige, breathe. Talk to me.”

Paige lifted her phone and showed Emily the time – 9.02am – before throwing it onto her desk with a clatter.

Emily swallowed. They'd missed swim practice. The start of school. Her mom was going to kill her when she- _her mom_. She hadn't called last night to say where she was. Hadn't told her she wasn't coming home.

The two stared at each other as the bubble that had closed them off from the world burst and all the air rushed back in.

“I need my phone,” Emily said.

Paige was looking at the pile of wet clothes on the floor. “Em...” She turned back to Emily, who had closed her eyes with a sigh.

“It was in my back pocket when...”

The guilt was evident not just on Paige's face, but through her whole body. Her shoulders slumped and she wrapped her arms around herself in protection.

“Hey, it's ok. It's just a phone,” Emily said. She put her hands on Paige's arms and gently tugged them apart, placing them around her own hips.

“There's nothing that would have stopped me jumping in that pool, Paige. Nothing.”

Paige nodded, seeing the truth in Emily's eyes. “What are we going to do? Coach is going to kill us. We have the meet tomorrow.”

“We'll think of something. I need to work out what to tell my mom first.”

“Hang on,” Paige said as she unwrapped herself from Emily's arms and went to retrieve her phone. “I've got a bunch of text messages from numbers I don't recognise.”

She scrolled through and began reading them out loud.

“ _Paige, have you seen Emily? Her mom is looking for her”_

“ _Please reply, McCullers. This is important.”_

“ _Listen McCullers, if you've upset Emily in any way, I will destroy you.”_

Paige raised an eyebrow and Emily laughed despite the situation. “Spencer. She's very protective. Don't take it personally.”

Paige smiled wryly. “Oh sure, why would I? Wait there's a voicemail as well,” she said, lifting the phone to her ear. “Oh this sounds like Hanna. Jeez she talks fast. Wait....who the hell is McHottie?”

Emily blushed profusely, a pinkness that extended across her whole body. “I am gonna kill Hanna,” she muttered under her breath.

Paige grinned, hanging up her phone and sauntering over to Emily's side. “Soooo...who's this McHottie she's talking about?”

She let her fingers brush lightly across Emily's arm, watching in awe, maybe a little disbelief, as her breath hitched and a shiver spread through her body.

Emily smiled at her indulgently. “I think you know who she's talking about.”

Paige grinned, her turn now to feel her body flush. “How come she was calling me that?”

Emily lent her head forward, causing her hair to fall in front of her face a little. “I may have told the girls about you. About...about how I felt.”

Paige grew in confidence at the words and moving forwards, she swept Emily's hair away from her face. Her voice was low as she spoke: “And how is that?”

Emily looked into her eyes, momentarily speechless at the desire she saw there. It only took her a second to decide words just wouldn't do.

She captured Paige's lips with her own, wrapping her arms around her and drawing her in. It was a delicious feeling, their still-naked bodies pressed together, hands exploring backs, shoulders, hips. Eventually they pulled apart, breathless.

“Like that,” Emily sighed.

Paige lent her forehead against Emily's and laughed. “Well I hope you didn't explain it exactly like that.”

Emily giggled and kissed her nose lightly. “Well we got sidetracked pretty easily. I think maybe we should put some clothes on.”

Paige's brow crinkled and her bottom lip instantly stuck out, causing Emily to laugh. “That's not gonna work, McCullers.”

“Don't you mean McHottie,” Paige said with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

“Oh my god, I am so gonna kill Hanna.”

Paige stood and watched as Emily began inspecting her clothes, feeling the dampness, searching her pockets for her purse, her phone.

“You can borrow something of mine, there's no way you can wear those. I really am sorry, Em.”

Emily let the clothes drop to the floor and sat on the edge of Paige's bed, patting the space beside her. Paige obliged and perched next to her, her body suddenly tense again.

Emily took her hand and placed it between her own. “Paige, I don't regret anything that happened last night. From the moment I jumped in the pool to now. I wouldn't change anything.”

Paige turned her hand over and interlaced their fingers. “I feel it. I do. It's just...hard learning to trust it.”

Emily nodded. She knew that feeling pretty well herself. “Paige, this morning you asked me what happens now.”

Paige looked at her, her eyes full of hope but she was scared too. Scared of what Emily might say. That there would be more secrets to deal with.

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

“Before I came over here, I had a message from Ali.”

Paige's fingers tightened their grip on her own, the knuckles whitening. She ran the thumb of her other hand over Paige's, attempting to soothe her, but she knew she needed to get through this.

“She told me she'd arranged a double date for me and her. This guy...his dad works with my dad.”

Paige's jaw clenched as she tried to bite back the anger she was feeling.

Emily pressed on. “She made a point of saying she hoped he'd have good things to say about me. I don't know, I guess it felt like a threat.”

Emily felt the grip loosen on her hand as Paige seemed to go limp beside her, defeated.

“I understand,” she said, her voice small and hushed. “You can't risk your parents finding it.”

“What? No, Paige that's not why I told you,” Emily said, squeezing her hand tighter and hoping for a response.

“Before I came over here, I made a decision - whatever happened with us, I was going to tell my parents. About me. I'm done being played by Ali.”

Paige stared at the girl next to her, in awe. “Are you sure? It's a big step Em.”

“I've been hiding for so long. And I'm so tired. Tired of pretending to be someone I'm not. Tired of playing Ali's games. It's not even a choice anymore, Paige. It's just what I have to do.”

Paige ran her thumb along Emily's cheek, barely touching it. As if she would vanish if she believed too hard that she was real.

But here she was. Sitting on her bed. Holding her hand. Opening her heart wide and showing Paige how to be brave.

“Em, what if I'm not ready? What if I...what if I can't do it?”

Emily frowned, shaking her head. “I'm not asking you to be. It's taken me a long time to get here, and in part it's been forced by Ali. So I know what that feels like and I would never do that to you. You have to decide for yourself when you're ready. And I'll be ready when you are. For whatever you need.”

“All of this,” she said, gesturing between them. “It's so new. For both of us. It'd be kind of nice not to go public straight away. I want you to myself for a little while longer.”

Paige grinned at her. “I think that might be a little difficult considering your friends seem to already know.”

“Oh crap. Yeah. Speaking of them, can I check the rest of the messages and maybe send one back? I don't want them to worry.”

“Of course, be my guest.”

Paige watched Emily scrolled through her phone, smiling at some messages, rolling her eyes at others. _Just watching her doing this is surreal. Emily Fields is here. In my room. Naked. How can this not be a dream?_

She was snapped out of her daze by a “think fast, McCullers!” as Emily threw the phone back to her.

Emily laughed as she watched her juggle with it before finally getting a tight grip.

“So as I suspected, the girls came through. Spence told my mom I'd fallen asleep at her house and that we'd go straight to school together this morning. Oh and she told her my phone had died so that she wouldn't worry if she couldn't get through.”

“Smart girl,” said Paige, grinning at Emily.

“Oh you don't know the half of it,” she said. “I've sent them a text telling them I'm ok and that I spent the night here so you might- ”

Paige's phone jumped in her hand at an incoming message.

“...get a text back,” Emily said.

Paige looked at her phone and immediately turned a fetching shade of scarlet.

Emily took it from her and read aloud: _“WAY TO GO, EM! McHottie is one fast mover. We want to hear all the details. And I mean all of them.”_

“Paige, I didn't tell them anything. I wouldn't...it's Hanna, she's just got no filter.”

Paige smiled, completely smitten with the earnest girl beside her. “It's ok. They're really good friends, I'm sure you talk about everything.”

Emily frowned a little. “Actually, only just recently. Ali was like the centre of everything. Everything we did or said went through her. But these last few days...well, we've all realised we've been feeling unhappy. We just didn't have the guts to say it to each other before.”

“And how did they react? When you told them you were gay?”

“Well, I didn't say it in so many words. I told them about you, like I said. Hanna reacted like a kid who'd eaten too much sugar. Aria was really sweet and understanding. And Spencer...well, she already knew. I tried to pretend she didn't but it was pointless. Like I said, she's crazy smart.”

“How did she know?” Paige asked and Emily immediately looked away. She hadn't wanted to have this conversation now. Had no idea how it would change things. _You can't lie. It's not the way to start this._

“Spencer...she's not just book smart. She noticed that I...that I was acting differently around someone.” Her voice dropped to barely a whisper. “Around Ali.”

Paige felt like all the air had been pulled from the room. She was cold and suddenly exposed in a completely different way to before. Emily had her hands in her lap and was twisting her ring round and round on her finger. Focusing intently on its curves and ridges, trying to calm her thoughts.

“You and Ali?” Paige said, her voice trembling. “That's why she warned me off, because she wanted you for herself?”

Emily looked up, more determined now. “No, there was no me and Ali. She figured out I liked girls...liked her...and she used it against me. She wanted me for herself, yes, but not like that. She wanted a follower. Someone she could manipulate. And she succeeded because I was weak and scared.”

Tears filled her eyes and Paige wanted nothing more than to take her in her arms. But she couldn't move. Couldn't get rid of the sick feeling in her stomach.

“Were you...were you together?” She swallowed hard at the words, swallowing down her fear at the answer. At what it would mean. For her. For them.

Emily looked away, pain etched on her face. Paige let out a bitter laugh. “I knew this was too good to be true. I knew I couldn't just have this one perfect moment.”

She walked over to her drawers and grabbed a t-shirt and shorts, slamming it shut and pulling them on quickly, images flashing through her head, images she desperately wanted to get rid of. Her hand instinctively went to her stomach. Able to feel the scars under the thin cotton.

Emily stood, anger overcoming her shame.

“Paige, if you think I'm perfect, that _we_ can be perfect, then you're gonna be really disappointed.”

“Why? Because I don't deserve it? Just say it. I'm a fuck up and I don't deserve you.”

“What? No, that's not what I meant.” Emily felt like she was losing her grip on the conversation. “Nobody's perfect, not me, not you, not the Dalai freakin' Lama. That's life.

“Everyone fucks up. Not just you. What happened with Ali – it's the biggest regret of my life. And we weren't together in the way I think you mean. We kissed a few times, that's it.

“But Paige, it shouldn't matter. It wouldn't make a difference to the way I feel about you.”

Paige glared at her, fists balled at her sides. When she opened her mouth, Emily expected her to shout, to scream, but the even, deliberate way she spoke was much worse.

“It shouldn't matter? That the person who has made my life hell has touched you? Kissed you? It shouldn't matter that you wanted her to do that?

“You have no idea what it was like. How hard it was to even get out of bed in the morning. The fear of coming across her in the halls. I even memorised her schedule so I could work out her route to class to try and avoid her.

“All I had was swimming and you. They were the only things that kept me going. To know that all the time you had feelings for her...”

She winced at the words, as if the very sound of them from her lips made the pain even worse. But how could it be? Her world was already falling apart. _If she can be with Alison knowing what she was doing to me...was all that stuff about caring about me a lie? She said she wished she'd stopped it but instead she was kissing her._ The turmoil in Paige was deafening and she couldn't think. She knew what they'd shared last night and this morning was real but she just couldn't reconcile it with what she now knew.

Emily tried again to cut through the noise. “I wasn't thinking, I was so confused about who I was, about what I was feeling. The only time I could be myself when I was with her.”

“Really?” Paige said, folding her arms across her chest and staring Emily down. “Because not so long ago you were telling me you were tired of not being the real you. Which is it, Emily?”

“It's...it's complicated. You of all people should know that.”

“It's not complicated for me. It's Alison. She's...she's evil, Emily. She hurts people for fun. And you _knew_ that. It's one thing to be her friend and feel like you can't escape but this. How could you love her?” She choked on the last words, tears tumbling down her cheeks.

Emily took a step backwards, as if trying to steady herself. “I don't love Alison. I _didn't_ love Alison. It was an infatuation. Please, Paige, you have to believe me.”

Paige let her arms drop to her sides and her shoulders slump. She looked defeated. _How is this the same day? Everything was perfect. Heh. I guess Emily's right after all._

She walked to the bed, her legs feeling weak all of a sudden, and sat down.

“I just don't know what to think.”

Emily couldn't believe how this had spiralled so quickly. She knew Paige would be upset but seeing her so deflated was like a knife to the gut. As if the happy Paige she had glimpsed a heartbeat ago was disappearing, running like water through her fingers.

She knelt down in front of her. Not touching her. Not yet. “Paige, please look at me.”

Paige screwed her eyes up tight for a second, as if trying to erase the question from her mind, but that's all it was. A moment. _Didn't you say you could never say no to Emily Fields?_

She looked up through her eyelashes, her head still hanging low.

Emily took a shaky breath, willing the nerves in her body to stop twisting and turning long enough for her to speak.

“It took me a long time to understand why I was attracted to Alison. And I think I finally get it. What I said about being myself – it's partly true. With her, I could show that side of me. I didn't have to hide my sexuality. And that's what I loved. But all the other parts of me disappeared because of that.

“It was never about her. It was what I could be when I was with her. She might have manipulated me, but you could say I used her.”

Paige wrinkled her nose at that, unwilling to accept it, even now, but Emily pushed on.

“No, I mean it. Alison is pretty and magnetic and I tried to believe what I felt for her was genuine. To make myself feel better.”

She moved closer so her stomach was pressing against Paige's legs and rested her hands lightly on her thighs.

“But I knew I was lying to myself. And last night, I realised just how much. It's like I've finally found all those pieces of myself that were missing and now I feel whole. I don't want to lose that. I don't want to lose you.”

Paige was chewing on her lip, deep in thought but still holding Emily's gaze.

“Em, I never thought I had a chance with you. I thought one day, if I was really lucky, I'd get to be your friend. That was it.

“Alison made me feel like I didn't deserve that. Didn't deserve anyone. She pushed me to a place I never thought I could go. I can't think of her without thinking about these.”

She lifted the bottom of her shirt and ran her thumb over the scars.

“And I'm scared that...that when I look at you, I'll see her. I don't think I can survive that, Em.”

The tears were falling again, dripping onto her thighs, dripping onto Emily's hands that rested there.

Emily felt like she couldn't breathe. All she wanted to do was erase the past, go back to that day in the locker room and start over. But it was a childish notion, and she knew it.

She lifted her hands and cupped Paige's face, looking into her reddened, watery eyes with as much conviction as she could muster even though she felt like her heart was breaking.

“Paige, I promise you I will do anything you want. I won't leave your side if that's what you choose. If you want space, you can have it. But I'm not giving up.

“Because not having you in my life, like this...I couldn't survive that.”

Paige closed her eyes tightly. She was listening to the words she'd always longed to hear from Emily. Declarations. Promises. Pleas.

But instead of joy, they brought only pain. Because now she didn't know if they were enough.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	19. Chapter 19

Emily jumped backwards at the screech of a car horn and turned to see she was a foot away from being knocked over. With a wave of apology, she quickly crossed the road and made it to the opposite sidewalk.

She glanced around, her mind foggy and confused, taking in where she was. She'd been walking in a daze since leaving Paige's house and hadn't a clue where she'd ended up.

Looking at her watch she realised she'd been wandering through the various neighbourhoods of Rosewood for nearly an hour.

Her hands were shaking and she felt cold even though the day was warm and bright.

She shoved them in the pockets of her jeans and quickly took them out again. _Oh yeah. That's why I'm cold. Everything's still damp._

She closed her eyes tightly, desperately trying to stop the tears from falling. But it was inevitable and she brushed roughly at her face as they tumbled onto her cheeks.

_I guess I can rely on Ali to ruin my life without even knowing it._

It was time to get home. She still had something she needed to do and it had to be done now even if she had no idea how.

* * *

Paige stood at the end of her bed, staring. At the rumpled sheets. The covers haphazardly arranged. The remnants of a night, a morning, that had felt like a dream at the time and now felt utterly impossible.

She hadn't left her room since Emily had walked out of it. She'd wanted to, of course. She'd wanted to chase her. Wanted to tell her it was ok. She could stay. They'd work it out. But the words hadn't slipped from her mouth. Her feet hadn't moved.

“ _Paige please talk to me. I can't help you if you won't talk to me.”_

_Emily was still kneeling in front of her. Gently stroking the outside of her thighs. It was meant to be comforting but every time she got close to her scars, all Paige could do was think of Ali. Ali with Emily._

_She stood up abruptly and walked across the room._

_Paige felt, but didn't see, Emily walk across the room after her and reach out for her shoulder but stop short as she flinched. Even with her back to her, Paige could feel the ripples of Emily in the air washing over her._

“ _I can't talk about this. Not now. I need...I need to be by myself.”_

_A few heartbeats passed before she heard Emily padding around the room, retrieving her clothes. She knew they'd still be damp. Sighing, she turned around. “You shouldn't wear those. You can borrow something of mine.”_

_Emily didn't answer. Couldn't answer. She shivered as she pulled on each piece of clothing, every one sending the cold creeping across her skin, into her pores, down into her bones._

_She fidgeted with the hem of her sweater, focusing on her numb fingers as they worried a thread that had come loose._

“ _When?”_

_It was barely audible._

“ _What?”_

“ _When can we talk? When can I see you?”_

_It was Paige's turn to look down._

“ _I don't know.”_

_How she'd longed to one day hear Emily say she wanted to see her. Talk to her. Instead she had to speak words that burnt the back of her throat as she uttered them._

_She looked up then, looked at the girl who just minutes before had been in her arms, heart beating against her chest, hand tangled in her hair._

_Tears had started to fall from her eyes and all Paige wanted to do was take her in her arms again and gather the tears on her lips._

_But still she stood._

_Emily nodded briefly, unable to speak, before turning and walking out of Paige's room._

She didn't know how long she'd stood there. Memories of their fight turning over and over in her mind. Images of Emily with Alison playing on a loop. Sometimes she'd remember what happened before that but she was quick to push those thoughts away. She couldn't think of them. Couldn't deal with the ache in her heart that accompanied every memory.

She glanced at her dresser. It was still there. Just where she'd left it. Her fingers twitched at her sides. Itched to reach out and close around the blade. The familiar cool of the handle. The weight of the instrument. The way it fit just right in her palm. Reassuringly familiar.

Paige tried to pretend she was fighting a battle. Going through the reasons why she shouldn't do it. Why it was a bad idea. But she was kidding herself. It was inevitable. Her walk to the dresser. The reach for the blade. The path to the bed.

She was never going to avoid this moment. It was the only way she knew to take the pain away.

Looking down at her thigh, she set about the usual routine of choosing the perfect spot. Not too low so it could be easily seen. Not too close to a previous cut.

She traced a finger across a scar and her mind flashed back to the previous night. Emily tracing them with her tears. It had felt like rebirth to Paige. That if Emily could look at them and still want her, still see her, that everything would be ok. Now the memory stabbed at her, incessant, unrelenting.

She took the blade and laid it on her skin, the cold sending goosebumps creeping across her thigh.

The anticipation was sweet. Knowing soon her mind would be clouded by release. Thoughts of Emily and Alison would be gone. She pressed harder and moved the blade achingly slowly across her skin.

But it wasn't just the torment of this new knowledge that was defeated. With every step, Emily's kisses disappeared, her caresses dissolved, her voice was erased. A fog of pain swept them away.

For the briefest of moments Paige felt the elation, the overwhelming of her senses with nothing but the scream of her nerve endings.

But then something else. An aching chasm bigger and wider than anything she had ever felt before. Escaping the wanting of Emily was one thing, escaping the reality of her was something else entirely.

Paige felt the loss everywhere and it winded her. The heart-pain was back in an instant. She remembered the heat of Emily pressed against her thigh. The furious pace of her pulse under her lips as she kissed her throat. The indescribable feeling of being inside her, part of her, completing her.

Paige choked on her tears as she realised what it would be like to lose what she had experienced. It was everything, had changed everything. There was no going back. _This can't be the end. It can't just be this._

She stood from the bed and walked to her bathroom, cleaning the blade and putting it back in its place in her cabinet. She looked at herself in the mirror, hair tousled, eyes red and sunken. Twin reminders of the lack of sleep from a perfect night and the despair of a broken morning.

She lent over the basin and splashed cold water onto her face. Drying it with a towel, she padded back into her bedroom and picked up her phone. 12.07pm.

Dialling the number, she clenched and unclenched the fist in her free hand.

_Please answer._

* * *

“Did you hear anything yet?”

“No, Hanna, for the tenth time, I have not heard anything. Did you see me use my phone the whole time we've been sitting here?”

“Jeez Spence, I'm just checking.”

Just then Spencer's phone buzzed to life. She snatched at it, hoping to see Emily's face flash up but instead seeing the caller ID she'd saved just the day before.

“It's Paige.”

Hanna squealed and clapped her hands together while Aria looked eagerly at Spencer waiting for her to answer.

“Hello? Yes. Why doesn't she have her phone? Well I don't think an explanation is too much to ask for. Fine. Why do we need to...what did you do?”

Hanna and Aria exchanged worried glances as they listened to half a conversation. Spencer's jaw was clenching and she looked like she was halfway to murdering someone.

“No, we covered for both of you, luckily at least one of us was in each of your classes. Coach Fulton? I can try. I swear to god Paige, you'd better fix this.”

“Fix what?”

Spencer looked around as she hung up the phone to see Alison looming over her. She'd made a characteristically late arrival at the lunch table, always looking to make an entrance wherever she could.

Now she was eyeing Spencer with one eyebrow raised, waiting for an answer.

Spencer hesitated, unsure of how to handle the situation, knowing the anger already coursing through her would make for poor decision-making.

“Well? What's Pigskin done now?”

_Oh fuck this._

Spencer stood abruptly, her chair scraping backwards on the floor and causing students at nearby tables to turn and look their way.

She was now the one to be standing tall over Ali, bearing down on her with barely concealed contempt.

“Emily told you to stop calling her that.” It was spoken quietly but still held the hint of a snarl.

“Excuse me?” Alison spoke with an air of indignation, of privilege. _This little rebellion has gone far enough._ “Have you all lost your minds? Since when do you care what I call people?”

Spencer stepped back and started gathering up her lunch.

“Since I decided I don't much like who I am when I'm around you.”

She glanced at Hanna and Aria. _This is it. It has to be all of us or it won't work._

Hanna picked up her tray and stood beside Spencer. Aria looked at Ali, then back to her friends. “It's a lovely day out. How about we eat outside?”

Spencer let out a sigh and smiled. “Great idea, Aria. Let's go.”

And with that the three friends walked away from Ali. From their table at the centre of the school. From the suffocating cocoon of Ali's friendship.

Alison stood looking at the empty chairs, her lunch tray in hand. Around her she could hear the other students whispering. About her. _This is not who I am_. She turned on her heels, dumped her food in the bin and walked with purpose from the cafeteria.

Outside, the three girls looked at each other, hearts beating fast, smiles slowly spreading over their faces.

Hanna spoke first. “What happens now?”

“Now we have work to do,” said Spencer. “As soon as school is done, you guys need to go see Emily. And I need to pay a visit to McCullers.”

* * *

Emily stood on the porch of her house. She was cold and tired. All she wanted was to go inside, take a hot shower and climb into bed.

But she couldn't do that. Not yet. She had to rip the Band-Aid off. _Might as well get all the pain done in one day._

She ran her hand through her hair and grabbed the door handle. _Here goes nothing._

Pushing open the door, the smell of something delicious baking in the oven overwhelmed her. It smelt like home. Family.

She closed the door, sank back against it and slid to the ground. All the energy she had left seeped from her body as she wept uncontrollably.

Pam Fields, hearing movement by the door, walked out of the kitchen to see her daughter in a crumpled heap. “Emily!”

She rushed to her, wrapping her arms tightly around her and pulling her to her.

“Baby, what's wrong?”

But Emily couldn't speak. She had finally given in to the pain and it was all consuming.

Pam managed to lift her up, walking her to the sofa, still wrapped in her arms, before lying her down there gently, Emily's head resting on her knee as she continued to sob.

Pam gently ran her fingers through her hair, whispering to her that it would be ok, whatever it was they'd fix it.

But Emily didn't hear. All she heard was Paige's laugh, her voice, her whispers. And she felt the loss of them in every cell as she eventually cried herself to sleep.

* * *

An hour later she woke to find herself alone on the sofa, her eyes stinging and her head pounding. She slowly began to sit up and as she did so she saw her mother in the armchair beside her, clutching a coffee and staring out the window.

As she heard Emily move she put down her mug and was at her side in an instant.

“Oh Emmy. What's happened? You turn up at home when you should be at school. Your clothes are damp. You look like you haven't slept.”

Emily held her mother's hands in hers. She'd imagined this moment so many times. She thought she'd feel scared. That she'd want to back out. But all she wanted was relief. Even if she couldn't get rid of the pain she was feeling, at least she could be honest. Free. She needed her mother more than ever right now and she had to believe she would come through for her.

“It's kind of a long story. But it's not really going to make sense unless I tell you something else first.”

Pam squeezed her hands tightly, a worried expression on her face.

“You can tell me anything, you know that.”

Emily smiled weakly. “I hope so. I've been wanting to say this for a long time but I didn't really know how. I wasn't ready I guess.

“But I'm tired of hiding. It's exhausting.”

She watched the frown lines forming on her mother's forehead. The tension in her face. The fear.

“Mom, I'm gay.”

The fear was replaced with confusion. A mouth opening in question, though no sound came out.

“I know it's a shock, I didn't plan on telling you like this. But mom, I really need you right now,” she said, her eyes filling with tears.

Pam let go of her daughter's hands and Emily felt the loss immediately. Nausea threatened to overwhelm her as she looked at her mother's now unreadable face.

But it was gone in an instant as she felt strong arms wrapping around her and her mother's voice in her ear.

“I love you Emily. All of you. I don't want you to hide who you are.”

The tears were falling again then, the relief like a balm to the broken parts of her.

Pam pulled back and took Emily's face in her hands, gently wiping at her tears with her thumbs.

“I'm not saying it's not going to take a little time to get used to. It's not how I envisaged your life playing out.

“But what's important right now is what's got you into this state. Is it...is it because of a girl?”

Emily nodded, her eyes full of love as she looked back at her mother, even though she was uncertain whether she could allow herself to trust the moment was real. Just like she had begun questioning everything that had happened with Paige.

“Spencer told me you were at her house last night...is it her? Because those Hastings may think they're better than the rest of us but I have no problem- ”

“No! Mom! It's not Spencer. She was covering for me.” Then, seeing her mother's expression change: “Please don't be mad. At her or me. She was just looking out for me.”

“How about we leave the parenting til later and you just tell me what happened.”

Emily smiled. “Deal.”

And together they sat, Pam's arm around her shoulder as she tried her best to explain. More tears flowed, more love was administered. She wasn't any nearer working out how to fix things but she felt safe and accepted and the relief was immeasurable.

* * *

Spencer Hastings hammered on the door of Paige's house in a manner that suggested she believed she could break it down if she just tried hard enough.

She was on a roll today. She'd successfully covered for Emily and Paige at school, convinced Coach Fulton that the pair were simply struck down by a cold that would surely be gone in time for the meet tomorrow, and managed to extricate all her friends from Ali's clutches.

Not a bad achievement by lunchtime.

Now it was time to deal with Paige McCullers. She'd be a piece of cake in comparison.

Switching her attention to the bell, she began pressing it at rapid speed.

She was still doing so as the door swung open to reveal a dishevelled looking Paige.

“Would you stop that? You're going to break it. What do you- ”

Before she could finish her sentence, Spencer had pushed her way inside and was standing in the hall with her arms folded across her chest.

Paige sighed. “Well come on in, why don't you?”

She shut the door and turned to face Spencer, about to speak when she was cut off again.

“Just exactly how dumb are you?”

Paige bristled, her stance defensive. “You don't know what you're talking about.”

“Oh really?” said Spencer, sarcasm dripping from every syllable. “I don't know that Emily Fields is a freakin' catch? That she's beautiful. Funny. Clever. Kind.”

“Sounds like you should be the one dating her,” Paige shot back.

“Oh believe me, if I was into girls, you wouldn't stand a chance, McCullers.”

“Is that so? Well if you think I'd give her up without a fight, you're the dumb one.”

Spencer smiled smugly. “That's better.”

“What are you talking about?” said, confusion written on her face.

“You just told me you'd fight for Emily. Now all you have to do is get on with it.”

Paige's body slumped and she walked from the hallway into the lounge and collapsed onto the sofa, head in her hands.

Spencer followed, her features softening now that she had made her point.

She sat down at the opposite end of the couch to Paige, one leg tucked under the other so she could turn in her direction.

“Paige, what did you and Emily fight about?”

Paige didn't move. Didn't turn around. “Alison.”

Spencer tensed. _How does she do it? Wreck lives without even trying?_

“What about Ali?” She had to tread carefully, not knowing what Paige knew and anxious not to make matters worse.

“About her and Emily.” Paige closed her eyes at the words.

“Paige that's in the past. She doesn't care about Ali. I'm not sure she ever did, she was just...lost.”

“Spencer, do you have any idea what it's like to have Alison make your life a misery every day? To have no-one to talk to about it?”

It was Spencer's turn to look away, her guilt never more real and raw than it was right now.

“No. I can't imagine what that's like. But I know what she can be like and I know I wouldn't want to be on the end of it.

“I guess...I guess that's why we all stayed friends with her so long. And I will always regret it. But I'm done with that. Emily has been braver than any of us. It's the least I can do to stand by her.

“Ali knows we all will after today. And that means she's going to be on the warpath. Emily's going to need you now more than ever because if Ali decides to expose Em- ”

“It doesn't matter,” said Paige quietly.

Spencer frowned, staring at Paige angrily.

“How can you say that? After everything I just told you?”

“It doesn't matter because she's going to come out to her parents.”

Spencer remembered Emily's words from the night before and she smiled with pride at the strength of her friend.

“So you're even dumber than I thought.”

Paige looked around for the first time since she'd sat down.

“Are you always this charming?”

“Oh I'm usually worse. Don't you remember our field hockey days?”

Paige smiled for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime. “Yeah, I remember.”

“You were a worthy competitor.”

“Wow, high praise Hastings.”

“And I don't give it out lightly,” she smiled widely.

Paige smiled back, thankful to have someone there with her. The feeling of companionship unfamiliar but welcome.

“Why am I dumb this time?”

“Because ever since I've known Em, she's been hiding. Scared. It's the reason Ali had such a hold over her.

“But now she's ready to come out. To be herself. And I think I know what's given her that strength.”

Paige blushed and dipped her head, unable to meet Spencer's eyes at first.

Resolved, she turned back to face her. “So Hastings, if you're so clever, how do I win her back?”

Spencer smiled widely. “I thought you'd never ask.”

 


	20. Chapter 20

Emily sat cross-legged on her bed, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders and her hands interlaced around a steaming mug of cocoa.

She was dressed in pyjamas, having just got out of what she guessed was the hottest shower she'd had in her lifetime.

Her skin was flushed and glowing but still she felt a coldness she just couldn't shake.

Sipping her drink carefully, she thought about the conversation she'd had with her mother. How surprised she'd been by her reaction. Pam had done everything Emily could have wanted and more. She knew she must be shocked. Not just by the revelation of her sexuality but by the lies she'd told. Not to mention the fact she'd spent the night with Paige.

_Paige._

Emily looked at her watch. 3pm. They should be swimming right now. Shut away from the world in their little oasis of calm. Instead she had no idea what Paige was doing. What she was thinking.

Several times she'd picked up her phone to call but stopped at the last second. She wanted to give Paige space, it's what she'd asked for after all. But it was also partly down to fear that she didn't hit that green button. She was terrified of what Paige might say, what decisions she may have made. Shivering, she pulled the blanket tighter around her but it wasn't the kind of warmth she was craving.

She wanted to be in Paige's arms, strong and comforting. To have her skin brought back to life by her touch. To feel her heart beating steadily against her. But the thought only made her feel even colder. Emptier.

Just then she heard the doorbell downstairs and for one glorious moment allowed herself to believe she was there, standing on her porch. Ready to talk.

But then she heard Hanna's voice, Aria's too, and she closed her eyes tight on the disappointment. A few seconds of chat with her mother and the next thing she heard was their feet on the stairs as they made their way to her room.

Aria knocked softly but Hanna wasn't about to wait for an answer, bursting into Emily's room and immediately engulfing her in a bear hug that threatened to cover them both in hot cocoa.

“Woah, easy Han! Hot drink!”

Hanna pulled away slightly but dove straight back in once Emily had put her mug down on the nightstand.

“We came as soon as we could. Spencer told us what happened.”

“What do you mean? How...how does Spencer know? What does Spencer know?” Emily frowned at her friends as she gently broke apart from Hanna and looked from one to the other.

“Paige called her,” said Aria gently. “She didn't go into too much detail but she said you and her got into a fight and that we should come see you. She was worried.”

Emily didn't know whether to smile or cry. Paige had cared enough to reach out to her friends so that she would have someone to talk to. But she hadn't been willing to come herself.

“Where's Spencer now?”

“She went to go see Paige,” said Hanna. “And she'd better have a good excuse for making you like this because Em, this is not a good look for you.”

“It's not Paige's fault. It's mine.” Emily's eyes filled with tears again. _How do they keep coming? How have I not cried them all out already?_

Aria shot a stern glance in Hanna's direction, earning a shrug in return, before sitting on the other side of Emily on the bed.

“Em, do you want to tell us what happened?”

Emily wiped her eyes and studied her hands, which were playing with the fringe of the blanket.

“We...Paige and I...we...”

“Oh my god, you totally did it!” Hanna was clapping her hands together in excitement and bouncing up and down on the bed.

She soon stopped when a cushion thwacked off the side of her head and she looked over to see Aria giving her a death stare.

Emily meanwhile now had her face in her hands, heat finally radiating from her skin but not for the reason she would have chosen. _Thanks Hanna._

She brushed her hair back off her face and took a shaky breath.

“We...worked some things out and...I stayed the night. And most of today...”

Hanna started wiggling in place again but another glare from Aria froze her where she sat, and she chewed on her lip to stop herself from speaking.

Aria spoke softly. “But something happened?”

Emily looked away, the tears spilling over onto her cheeks again.

“I told her about Ali. That we'd kissed.”

It was Hanna's turn to console her now, reaching out for her hand and placing it between her own.

“I know that must have been hard for her to hear, but you did the right thing, Em. Better to tell her now.”

“Because you know Ali would have as soon as she finds out about you two,” agreed Aria.

Emily knew it was true. Alison would have taken great pleasure in revealing that to Paige. And yet she still felt awful.

“There may be nothing to find out. What if she can't get over it? The things Ali's done to her...I didn't realise how bad it was.”

“None of us did, we were all too caught up in our own drama,” said Hanna. “But that's over now. If Paige is important to you, she's important to us.”

Emily smiled then, the action unfamiliar to her after hours of crying.

“She is.”

Aria smiled back at her warmly. “And last night, this morning...you were getting on well?”

“Aria!” Hanna said, her tone mocking, her arms folded to emphasise her faux displeasure.

Emily couldn't help but laugh as she blushed a deep crimson.

“Yes, we were getting on very well.”

“I knew it!” Hanna said triumphantly, causing Emily to roll her eyes.

“I never expected it to go that way it's just...we have this connection. It's intense, y'know? It just felt inevitable somehow.”

“And now?” Aria said tentatively.

Emily looked at her, eyes filled with worry and doubt. “I don't know. She said she needed space. Time to think about things.”

“Well she's had that. And if that hasn't worked she'll be getting some sense knocked into her by Spencer right about now.”

Emily gulped. “Oh god, the last thing she needs is Spencer going in there like a bulldozer. She's in a tough place right now, you guys.”

Aria put her arm around Emily and pulled her closer. “Em, Spencer's not going to jeopardise things for you. She'll know how to handle the situation.”

As if on cue, Hanna's phone began to ring, Spencer's face appearing on the screen. “Speak of the devil.”

Emily tensed, her heart racing as she watched Hanna talk to their friend. Unfortunately her monosyllabic replies gave nothing away.

Eventually she hung up and turned back to the expectant crowd of two.

“Okay, Spence says they're still talking but things are going well. She said not to worry Em.”

“How I can I not worry? That's the dumbest thing Spencer has ever said. Maybe I should go over there myself...”

Hanna glared at Aria, vigorously shaking her head as Emily turned away to look for clothes to put on.

“Em, if she said she wanted space, she's not going to appreciate you barging in like that,” said Aria, soothingly.

Emily wavered for a second then dropped the shirt she'd grabbed onto the bed and flopped back down onto it herself.

Groaning, she said: “Sitting around just waiting is so hard though. I can't stop worrying about what she's thinking, what she's going to do.”

A smile tickled the edges of Hanna's mouth before she cleared her throat and plastered a worried expression back on her face.

“Em, you need to get out of your head for a little bit. Why don't you go for a run? Some fresh air and exercise might be just what you need.”

Emily frowned. “I don't know....wallowing in a vat of ice-cream seems great right about now.”

Hanna glared at Aria again, her eyes wide in a plea for back-up.

“Well, you still have that meet against Ravenswood tomorrow and you missed practice today so maybe it would be good to shake off some cobwebs?”

Hanna nodded enthusiastically. _Well done Aria. Appeal to her swimming pride._

“That's if coach even lets us swim tomorrow after what we pulled today.”

“Even more reason to be in peak condition and show her you're ready,” said Hanna as she started pulling clothes from Emily's drawers. “C'mon, Fields. Move your ass. It's the perfect evening for a run down by the lake.”

Emily rolled her eyes and looked at the outfit Hanna was assembling. “Erm, Han, your fashion knowledge is second to none but maybe leave the running outfit to me? Jeans and a crop top aren't really gonna cut it.”

Hanna laughed. “Fine. We'll meet you downstairs.”

Once they'd made it the lounge Aria turned around and demanded answers from Hanna.

“What's going on? Why are we making Emily go for a run?”

Hanna grinned. “Team McHastings has a plan.”

“Team McWhonow?”

“Don't worry, once we've made sure Emily's left, I'll tell you everything.”

* * *

It came as quite a surprise to Emily, but Hanna had been right. She'd been running for 20 minutes and she already felt better. It felt good to have something else to focus on other than Paige, even if she was still there, on the edges, waiting to invade her thoughts again.

Like now. Emily was approaching a fork in the path. To the left led to the clearing at the edge of the lake where she'd sat with Paige just a few days ago. A lifetime ago. To the right, a steeper climb but a faster route back to her neighbourhood.

Emily's stride faltered momentarily but once her decision was made, she quickened her pace with determination.

* * *

Paige was pacing backwards and forwards. _I can't believe I let Hastings talk me into this. What if she doesn't show up? What if she runs away? What if it's too late?_

She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself but it wasn't working. It was hot, even though it was dusk and the sun was slowly making it's way down past the horizon. The pacing and the worry had left her over-heated and panicky. She needed water. The calmness. The cool. She looked at her watch. _I should have time._

* * *

Emily was becoming more and more agitated as she approached the lake. She wanted to be near the water more than anything – well, with one exception. But this place now held so much emotion for her. The conversation they'd had there was the first time she had really begun to connect with Paige and now she couldn't think of it without thinking about her.

Again she faltered slightly, wondering if she'd made the right decision. She slowed to a walk, her breathing deep and laboured from her run. Deciding she'd had enough for one day, of running and of torturing herself by heading for this spot, she was about to turn around when something caught her eye.

She walked on towards the clearing, the dimness of the approaching evening broken up by a twinkling through the trees.

As she finally walked out from the woods to see the lake in all its glory, she discovered the whole clearing was covered with candles of all shapes and sizes. There were fairy lights and paper lanterns strung around the trees on the fringes. Emily stood and slowly turned on the spot, taking in the sight. The flickering of the candlelight created patterns that danced among the trees like nymphs. The beauty almost took her breath away.

Almost.

Because it was so stunning she just wanted to share it with someone. Like it didn't count if she couldn't look into someone's eyes and see the same awe reflected back. Not just anyone though. She would give anything for the person beside her to be...

_Paige._

Her slow turns in wonder had left her staring out at the water and there, sitting on the same rock she had a few days ago, a lifetime ago, dangling her feet lazily into the lake, was Paige. Emily stared at her, breathless. She was framed by the lights in the foreground, the backdrop a glorious canvas of purples and oranges and reds painted by the sun as it set.

Just as she had been that first time they'd met here, Emily was scared to move. Scared of frightening her away. If she stood still, she could pretend this was all for her. Capture this moment and let it warm her, finally. If she moved, maybe she'd find out Paige was here by accident. Just like her. That her dream was just that.

But despite all this, Emily's feet did begin to move. Tentative, tiny steps towards the one person she would always be pulled to. Like a boat moved by the tide, slowly but surely getting propelled to the shore by a force of nature.

As she got closer, the sound of her feet on the rough ground caught Paige's ears and she whipped around quickly, almost falling from the rock she was sitting on. Instead she stumbled gracelessly, eventually regaining her balance and standing facing Emily, her jeans rolled up haphazardly around her calves, her feet coated in sand.

Ordinarily she would have noticed and hastily begun to tidy herself up. But there was nothing ordinary about this moment. For Paige, there never was where Emily Fields was concerned.

She let her eyes drift over her. The way her hair reflected the twinkle of the lights. The sparkle of her eyes. The slight smile that danced on her lips. _Oh those lips. How can I miss something so much when I had never tasted them before yesterday?_

Paige let out a breath as a wide smile broke over her face and she looked at the ground. Sometimes looking at Emily was too much, too overwhelming. But she always came back for more. Always would.

She looked up and saw Emily smiling back at her, head tilted to one side, eyes hopeful.

Eventually she spoke. “Is this rock taken?” she said, pointing to the boulder she had sat on during their previous encounter here.

“Yes,” Paige said. “If you'll have it.”

Emily smiled and walked to the water's edge, slipping off her shoes and socks and taking her seat, looking out across the lake. The two of them sat for a few moments, drinking in the scene before them. Letting the gentle, hypnotic ripples of the water soothe them as their feet moved backwards and forwards.

Emily was calmer than she had been for hours but she knew they couldn't stay this way. Treading water. They had to move forward.

She was about to speak but Paige took the leap of faith first.

“I'm sorry, Emily.”

Her voice was shaky but no less genuine for that, and Emily felt like her heart would break at the sound. She turned to her, knowing there would be more to come.

“I felt like I couldn't breathe when you told me about Alison. Everything she's done to me, it's always been tied up with you. Me wanting to be your friend, wanting to be more than that. She knew before I did and she took that possibility away from me.

“So to know that she had held you, kissed you...I felt like it was something else she was taking away from me.”

“Paige, I- ”

“Please, Em. Let me finish.”

Emily nodded and took a deep breath, preparing herself for what was to come.

“I never dreamed that I could have a day like yesterday. Like this morning. And for a moment, I let Alison win. I let her ruin the most magical thing I've ever experienced.”

Emily nodded, wearily. She had been scared that their perfect time together would be tainted by what she had told Paige. Now she felt like she had been right to fear it.

“I have to be honest with you about something,” Paige said, her face pale against the vivid sky around her.

“After you left I...I cut myself.”

Emily recoiled as if slapped, blood draining from her face, her hands gripping the side of the rock tightly.

“You have to understand,” Paige said, quickly. “I just wanted to forget the pain and that's been the only way I know how to do that for so long.

“But it took you away too. Just for a few seconds. And the pain of that was so much worse.”

Tears were falling from Emily's eyes but she barely noticed. She felt numb from Paige's words. Didn't know how to react to what she was saying.

“Em, I know this is hard to hear but please, I need you to listen. I need you to know.

“Before when I cut, I wanted to forget. Ali, you. I mean, the way I felt about you and the way it felt to think I could never have you.

“But today, when I did it...when it took you away...all I wanted to do was remember. Every time you touched me. Every time you kissed me. I never want to lose that.

“And I realised that it didn't matter, what happened before. None of it matters. Because even if I can never experience those things again, even if remembering is painful, I never want to forget you, Emily.”

For a few seconds Emily just stared at Paige, her chest heaving up and down, her heart almost breaking out of her ribcage.

The next thing she knew, she was crushing her lips against Paige's with an urgency she never thought she could show so willingly. It was rough and passionate and full of desire and if Paige hadn't been sitting down she most likely would have fallen. She wrapped one arm around Emily's waist while her other hand found the back of her neck, clinging on so she didn't fall backwards.

Eventually Emily pulled back for air and Paige stood, immediately bringing their lips together again. Emily tangled her hands in Paige's hair, her thumbs stroking the sides of cheeks as they explored each others mouths, as if an eternity had passed since the last time.

Emily's hands somehow found the buttons on Paige's shirt and began to undo them, though not without difficulty, eventually giving up and grabbing the bottom, hauling it up and over Paige's head.

As soon as it was discarded their lips met again, Emily's hands exploring the softness of Paige's back, her arms, as she moaned into her mouth.

For her part, Paige was having trouble concentrating but she knew she needed to touch Emily, to feel her skin on her own again.

She grabbed hold of Emily's tank top and pushed it up over her head, before lowering her lips and smothering her neck with kisses, travelling from the tip of her ear downwards, feeling her squirm and writhe.

“You're hot,” she breathed out, making Emily shiver despite the utter truth of what she'd spoken.

“So are you,” she said, running her hand along Paige's spine, making her arch into her.

Paige pulled away and grabbed both her hands, walking backwards and pulling her towards the lake, a grin dancing mischievously on her face.

“No. No way. Paige I can't go home in soaking wet clothes again.”

“Who said our clothes were going to get wet?” she said, with a wiggle of her eyebrows.

“Are you serious? What if someone comes? Anyone could be- ”

Emily's protestations were cut off by Paige's lips on hers again, insistent. She felt her knees buckle and her stomach flip as Paige reached behind her and unhooked her bra, slipping it from her arms.

“I'm deadly serious,” she breathed out as she lowered her head to Emily's chest and began kissing her way downwards. Whatever rational thought had been holding Emily back was gone in an instant and she made quick work of relieving Paige of her own bra.

Paige was now on her knees in front of her, slipping her hands into her shorts and underwear and removing them both in one swift action.

She kissed her way back up Emily's body but was denied her lips as Emily bent to remove the rest of Paige's clothes.

Grabbing Paige's hands she started to walk past her but before she knew what was happening, Paige had let go and instead put one arm underneath her legs and scooped her into her arms, Emily's own immediately wrapping around her neck.

Paige looked down at her and kissed her gently as she began to walk towards the water, slowly getting further and further in until she felt Emily's weight being taken from her by the water.

Emily shifted in her arms until she was floating in front of her, arms still around her neck. They kissed each other as if it was the first time and the last time. The warmth of their bodies passed from one to the other in the cool of the lake.

Paige's hands dropped to Emily's hips and she pulled her towards her, planting her feet firmly on the lake floor. Emily wrapped her legs around her and peppered her neck with kisses as Paige began to roll Emily's nipple between her thumb and finger. Moving her hands she lifted Emily higher so her breasts were exposed, immediately taking a nipple in her mouth and sucking on it, flicking her tongue across it over and over as Emily arched into her desperate for more.

Even in the coolness of the lake, Paige could feel the heat and desire from Emily on her stomach.

Emily was thrusting towards her with more and more desperation, longing for her to touch her.

Paige put one arm behind Emily's back and slid her other hand down, palming her breasts, her stomach, her hips as she went, eventually reaching through the water to find the wetness she craved more than anything.

There was no teasing, no torture, just Emily. All around her, enveloping her as she pushed inside her straight away, a gasp for breath and then a long moan escaping her lips as she arched away again.

Paige used her arm to guide Emily's movements in the water as they moved together, her fingers reaching deeper, curling towards the spot she already knew would send Emily over the edge.

She took her breast in her mouth again and moved her thumb to her clit as she thrust faster, harder.

Emily pulled Paige into her, wanted her everywhere, finally feeling complete again. She felt the tightening deep within her, getting tauter, pulling her closer to the edge until it snapped and she cried Paige's name across the ripples of the love they had made in the water, her toes curling as her feet dug into her lover's back.

Paige continued to move inside her coaxing her through the aftershocks, slowing her pace, stroking her gently before steadily, almost imperceptibly quickening again. Emily clung to her now, no energy left to do anything but that, her teeth nipping at Paige's shoulder as she whimpered with pleasure, the pressure growing once again, faster this time, until she came, hard, with a cry that filled the stillness of the air.

Breathless, they laid their foreheads against each other and let out laughs that fluttered backwards and forwards between them. Paige traced Emily's face with her thumb, from her eyelids to her jawline, as if committing it to memory by touch. “Promise me this isn't a dream.”

Emily smiled. “I'm the one who should be saying that. You did all of this. For me.”

“I did it for us, Em.”

Emily smiled and Paige felt like all the other lights around the lake dimmed in reverence to it so brightly did it shine.

“Thank you. For this. For trusting me.”

Paige smiled back at her. “I don't have a choice. I love you, Em.”

Emily felt tears at her eyes again as she lent down and placed a tender kiss on Paige's lips, tracing them with her tongue.

“I love you too,” she breathed out, laughing again as she clung to Paige in the water, the two of them wrapped around each other, limbs tangled.

Eventually they parted long enough to dive below the surface, chasing each other through the water, racing to the surface, splashing playfully in the dying warmth of the night.

 


	21. Chapter 21

Emily shivered and leaned closer to Paige. The pair were sat on the shore of the lake, huddled under several towels as they dried off from their impromptu late-night dip.

The sky was midnight blue, the stars growing brighter by the second. The moon was peeking through the trees, sending fractured beams across the water, the path of each seemingly leading to the lovers as if drawn to them.

Paige's arms were wrapped tightly around Emily who was sat between her legs, her back resting on Paige's chest.

Paige dropped the softest of kisses on to her shoulders and neck, causing shivers of a very different kind to tingle their way up and down Emily's spine.

She hummed her appreciation low in the back of her throat, a smile of pure bliss on her face.

Paige gently moved Emily's hair away from her ear and kissed the lobe. “Are you hungry?”

“Oh god, yes. Ravenous. You definitely gave me an appetite,” she said with a grin, twisting her neck so she could see Paige's face, which was now bright red. _Just as I thought. So adorable._

__

“Well, I did actually bring some food, but somebody didn't give me a chance to show them,” Paige teased.

It was Emily's turn to blush now as she remembered how eager she'd been to once again taste Paige's lips.

“Well, how about you show me now?” she said.

Paige grinned and removed the towel from her shoulders, placing it around Emily before quickly grabbing her clothes and hastily putting them on. She picked up Emily's discarded outfit and handed it to her, before retrieving a picnic basket and several blankets from behind one of the boulders nearby.

Once Emily had finished getting dressed, Paige wrapped a blanket around her shoulders. “Don't get cold,” she said, kissing her gently on the nose with a grin.

Emily smiled back, before eagerly trying to get a peek at the contents of the basket. “I can't believe you put all this together this afternoon.”

“Well, I had some help,” said Paige as she started to take out containers and spread them on a blanket she'd laid on the ground.

 

“Spencer?”

“Spencer. She came over after school and told me in no uncertain terms I was being an ass.”

“Listen, if she was too hard on you I can- ”

“No Emily. I needed to hear it. I mean, she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. I just needed that...push.”

“Yeah, she can be pretty pushy alright,” Emily laughed.

“Nothing I can't handle,” Paige said. “There, all ready.”

She looked at the spread she'd laid out with pride and then back at Emily waiting for her reaction.

There were several types of salad, cheeses, meats, olives, fresh bread and strawberries, as well as some delicious looking cupcakes and a couple of bottles of root beer.

Emily's stomach rumbled in anticipation as she took in all that Paige had put together. “This looks amazing,” she said before leaning over and placing a tender kiss on her lips. They lingered for a moment, tasting one another again, languidly, until Emily's stomach protested once more and Paige broke away laughing.

“Okay okay, I take the hint.”

She grabbed a plate and handed it to Emily before taking one for herself and starting to pile it up with food.

“Woah there, champ. Save some for me,” Emily said, digging her in the ribs and eliciting a squeal from Paige.

“Wow. Okay. What was that?” she said, smirking.

Paige cleared her throat and went back to the food. “Nothing.”

“Oh really?” Emily raised an eyebrow suspiciously, causing Paige to pale a little.

Before she had time to take evasive action Emily was on her, digging her fingers into her sides and tickling her with all she had.

Paige was screeching at the top of her lungs, causing Emily to falter because of her own laughter at the sound – and sight – of the torture she was putting her through.

It gave Paige just enough of a chance to get the upper hand, grabbing Emily's hands and pinning them behind her back.

Their faces were almost touching, their breath mingling in the space between. Paige pressed her lips to Emily, the kiss much more urgent and passionate than the one just seconds before.

It was intoxicating, kissing Emily Fields. She didn't know how she would ever study, ever swim, ever breathe again when she could be doing this instead.

Eventually they broke apart and Emily grinned at her. “So you're ticklish, huh?”

“Maybe. A little.”

“Yeah, okay. A little. That's why you sounded like a chimpanzee just now.”

“I honestly have no idea what you mean, Miss Fields,” she said, putting on her best puzzled face as she moved back and sat down on the blanket. “Didn't you say you were hungry?”

Emily rolled her eyes indulgently and positioned herself cross-legged beside Paige.

“Indeed I did. And it all looks delicious.”

They began to eat, mostly in a contented silence, Emily complimenting Paige every now and again on the food. Eventually they packed the basket with the leftovers and the plates, before settling back in their previous position, blankets wrapped around them, looking out across the lake, its surface now like a mirror reflecting back at them.

“It's getting late,” Emily said quietly. The thought of being parted from Paige was weighing on her now.

Paige pulled the blanket tighter around them. “My folks are still gone. They're not coming back until tomorrow. In time for the meet. If you want you could...maybe stay over again?”

Emily smiled at the thought. She wanted nothing more than to do just that. But there was one very large obstacle.

“I don't know how my mom would feel about that.”

Paige stiffened. “Did you...did you tell her?”

Emily turned to face her, her smile reassuring. “Yes. And it went better than I could have imagined.”

But Paige's face still fell and she looked away with a sadness Emily couldn't understand.

“Hey,” she said, gently tugging on her chin to get her to look back. “What's wrong?”

Paige chewed her lip, uncomfortable under Emily's scrutiny. “I should have been there for you.”

“No, don't say that. You had to focus on yourself for a while. I totally get it.”

“But you went through this totally life-changing thing and I wasn't there to support you. Because I let my insecurities get the better of me.”

“Paige I promise, it was fine. She was really understanding. It was pretty amazing, actually.”

Paige looked directly into Emily's eyes, the sadness now replaced with determination.

“I promise you, I'm never going to miss another moment like that. Whatever is going on in your life, good or bad, I'll be there. If you want me to be.”

Emily traced her cheek with her thumb, letting her hand rest there as she spoke: “Always.”

She lent in and kissed Paige tenderly but firmly, trying to convey to her in that moment that she had nothing to apologise for.

When they broke apart, Emily was relieved to see the spark had returned to Paige's eyes.

“So what did you tell her?” she said, swirling her thumb in lazy circles on Emily's hand.

“Well I was pretty upset when I got home,” she said, carefully, eyeing Paige for any signs that she was becoming uncomfortable.

Paige clenched her jaw but continued to hold Emily's gaze, so she pressed on.

“I couldn't really talk to her about what happened without telling her the truth. So...I just said it. She was a little surprised but she mainly wanted to be there for me which was...amazing.”

Paige smiled. “I'm so happy for you, Em. It must have been so great to have her to talk to.”

“It was. Wanna hear something funny though?”

Paige smiled at her indulgently. “I would love to hear something funny.”

“She thought the girl I was upset over was Spencer.”

Paige laughed loudly and said: “Well...maybe she's not that far off the mark. Hastings told me today if she was into girls I wouldn't stand a chance with you.”

“Oh my god, she did not!” said Emily, mortified that Spencer would say something like that.

“Scout's honour,” said Paige with a laugh. “She seemed pretty sure she'd come out the winner in a battle between me and her.”

Emily interlaced their fingers and brought their joined hands to her lips. “Believe me, there's no competition. From her or anyone else. I just want you, Paige. Only you.”

Paige breathed out a smile, the words leaving her heart pounding.

“Me too,” she said. “So what did you tell your mom. About me.”

She'd dropped her head a little and the hand that wasn't holding Emily's was fiddling with a thread on her shirt.

Emily rubbed her thumb on the palm of Paige's hand and said: “Nothing bad. I told her how I felt about you. How we have this connection that is so strong. But that we had a fight and I wasn't sure if I could fix it.”

Paige looked at her again then. Saw the sadness in her eyes. Regret too, at having put herself in a position that was of her own making.

She shook her head. “No Em, you can't take the blame. It was my problem to work through. And I have. I promise. What we have is too important to let Alison ruin it.”

It was Emily's turn to look worried now. A cold feeling spread through her as she contemplated what was to come.

Paige noticed the change immediately. “Hey, what's wrong?”

Emily swallowed hard. “I just...I don't know what Ali's going to do when she finds out. About us.”

Paige nodded slowly, her mind doing overtime. “Do you...do you want to keep it secret?”

Emily frowned. “No, not at all. I mean...I guess it'll be a bit weird at school at first but the girls already know. And my mom. Wait...your parents...”

Paige was tight-lipped, her face unreadable in that moment. Emily was at a loss as to imagine what she was thinking. Finally she spoke.

“I told you I wasn't ready to come out to my parents. But I don't want to hide at school. And I'm not afraid of Alison.”

Emily nodded but didn't say anything. She could sense there was more Paige wanted to say.

“I know it's hard to believe given...everything that's happened but you can rely on me. I'm not going to run away. She's not going to win this time.”

“I never thought for a second I couldn't depend on you. We've both made mistakes but we were alone then. Now we have each other.”

Paige grinned. “Strength in numbers, right?”

Emily returned the smile with interest. “And it's not just us. We have Spencer and Hanna and Aria too.”

“It's obvious from today that Spencer really cares about you. And the other two managed to get you here so I guess they showed up at the house?”

“Yes,” Emily said. “They were great...even if Hanna was a little full on at first.”

Paige raised an eyebrow in question and Emily rolled her eyes and said: “She made some assumptions about what went on last night.”

A smug smile spread over Paige's face as she replied: “Well she'd probably be right about those. I hope you told her McHottie lived up to her nickname.”

Emily playfully batted her on the shoulder. “Oh my god, you're incorrigible.”

“Oh so I didn't? What am I then?” she said, leaning across and kissing Emily's neck. “McLukewarm?” Another kiss, slightly higher. “McOkayIguess?” And another, her hot breath causing Emily's own to hitch.

“Y'know, I'm not sure I can remember. It's been such a long time,” she said, squirming under Paige's lips.

She turned her head and caught Paige in a kiss, intent on making her feel as turned on as she was.

She felt Paige's body respond immediately, her hands slipping around her back and pulling her closer. Her kissing urgent but not rushed. Emily began to lose herself in the moment, revelling in the softness of Paige's lips, the safety she felt in her arms.

Eventually they broke apart, breathless.

Emily rested her head on Paige's and sighed contentedly. “Yeah. Total McHottie.”

Paige lent back and did a little fistpump, earning another thwack on the arm from Emily, who caught sight of her watch as she did so.

“Oh crap, my mom's gonna go crazy if I don't get home.”

Paige's face fell. “Oh, okay. I understand.” The thought of going home to her dark, empty house didn't fill her with enthusiasm.

Emily felt awful. She couldn't imagine what it felt like to be left alone so often. She valued her parents so much. She'd thought she couldn't possibly love them any more before today.

Her mother had done exactly what she needed her to do - been there for her. She was pretty sure her dad would be too. But who would be there for Paige?

“What's it like when your parents are gone? Do you miss them?”

This time the laugh was bitter. “I prefer it. I mean...it's kind of weird being in the house by myself. Lonely. But I guess I'm used to that. Even when they're there.”

Emily frowned. “I know your dad is strict but he always seems so interested in your swimming.”

“That's all he's interested in. What am I eating, what are my times, what did coach say, am I keeping my grades up. He doesn't care about Paige the person, just Paige the swimmer.”

Emily took her hand again and stroked gently with one finger from Paige's wrist to her elbow. Up and down in slow attention.

“What about your mom?” she said gently.

Paige closed her eyes for a few seconds, wondering how she could even answer that question.

“My mom is pretty driven. She loves her work and that's great but I think when I came along I was an inconvenience. Something had to give. And it was me.”

She swallowed down the bitterness she felt at saying the words. It was one thing to think them. Saying them was something else altogether. She'd never had anyone to talk to about it before. And now here was Emily. Sitting cross-legged in front of her, stroking her arm back and forth in a way Paige knew was deliberate. Designed to keep her calm. Show she was right there.

That knowledge alone made the moment a little less bitter, a little more sweet.

Emily's fingers never faltered as she took in what Paige was saying. It was hard to hear, even harder when she considered just how alone Paige must have felt. Her parents sounded so cold and distant, it would have been awful even if everything else was going great for her. Which of course, it wasn't. She'd hoped against all logic that at home, Paige would have had a safe haven. Warmth. Love. But she'd been battling the rising tide alone in the most complete sense of the word.

The guilt threatened to drown her again but she shook it off. She'd learnt quickly that this wasn't about her. It was about Paige and what she needed. She would deal with her guilt by herself. Get over it by herself.

It didn't take her long to decide on a cause of action.

She stood up quickly and grabbed Paige's hands, hauling her to her feet.

“You're coming with me.”

“What? I don't think that's- ”

“No arguing. My mom wants to meet you so you may as well get it over and done with.”

“But you said you were upset when you got home. And she knows it was because of me.”

Paige had lost all colour in her cheeks and was nervously pushing back her hair. Emily would have laughed if it wasn't for the fact that she knew Paige was genuinely worried.

“Hey, listen to me,” she said, wrapping her up in a bear hug. “She doesn't think you upset me. She thinks we had an argument. I didn't blame you. Or me.

“And I know this is all new to her but Pam Fields is nothing if not a good host. She'll be telling you she's going to cook you something to fatten you up the minute you step in the door.”

Paige rubbed her stomach and frowned. “I am kind of hungry.”

Emily lowered her arms from Paige's shoulders to her sides and began to tickle her in the spot she'd already committed to memory. “Hungry, are you kidding me? Paige, we literally just ate.”

“What can I say?” Paige screeched out between giggles. “I have a big appetite.”

Emily laughed. “These abs are gonna be gone if you get a taste for my mother's food.”

Paige jerked away, gasping for breath. “My abs, huh?”

“Yes Paige, you have nice abs. Now quit stalling and grab your stuff. You never know, if you make a good impression she may agree to me staying over.”

Paige's eyes lit up at the thought and then contemplated the reality of meeting Mrs Fields.

“No pressure then,” she grumbled as she grabbed the picnic basket and grabbed Emily's hand.

 


	22. Chapter 22

“Paige come on, it's like walking with a two-year-old,” Emily said as she stood on the pavement glaring in the direction of her girlfriend, who was 20ft behind her and going at a pace that would embarrass a snail.

“I'm coming ok, this basket is heavy.”

Emily rolled her eyes and stomped back the way she had come, grabbing the basket from Paige's hand. “There, now you've got no excuses for being a slouch.”

Paige pressed her lips together tightly and nodded, looking none too happy that Emily had removed her excuse for walking slowly.

“It's not just that. I'm tired too. I mean, I had to do all that work getting your surprise ready,” she said, a pout evident in her voice as well as on her lips.

Emily huffed out a sigh and placed the basket on the ground between them, crossing her arms across her chest. She stared straight into Paige's eyes, raising one brow in question.

Paige held her gaze for a moment before finally rolling her eyes and raising her hands in surrender.

“Okay, you got me. I'm stalling.”

Emily bounced on her toes in triumph, a smug grin dancing on her lips.

“It's not funny, Em. What if she hates me? What if she bans me from seeing you? What if- ”

Emily reached forward and placed her index finger on Paige's lips with a “shh”.

“I promise you it'll be ok. She's gonna love you.”

Paige was less than convinced and her shoulders slouched just a little more as a small voice said: “But how do you know?”

Emily moved her hand to Paige's cheek and ran her thumb gently over the soft skin, before tenderly raising her chin, forcing their eyes to meet.

“Because _I_ love you. That's how I know.”

Paige's eyes twinkled and her body felt like it was tingling all over. She still couldn't quite believe this was happening. That Emily Fields was standing on the street, her hand on her chin, declaring her love. For her. It was completely impossible and improbable and yet here they were.

She felt like she could fly, she was so light. As if gravity had suddenly disappeared and the only thing tethering her to the earth was Emily's skin on her own. Grounding her. Comforting. Reassuring.

Paige took a deep breath and smiled. If she could make Emily Fields - _Emily freakin' Fields_ \- fall in love with her then she sure as hell could do anything.

“Okay, let's do this,” she said, bending down, picking up the basket and setting off at a blistering pace.

Emily laughed as she turned on her heels and jogged after her. “I thought you were tired,” she said as she caught up, bumping Paige with her shoulder and fixing her with one of her dazzling smiles.

Paige just grinned back – a big, dopey, I-have-no-idea-what-you-just-said-cos-you're-so-beautiful kind of smile – and almost tripped on her own feet in the process.

Emily smiled in wonder. She still couldn't quite believe the effect she had on the girl. The majority of the time they'd spent together had been at the pool and it was like Paige was born to be there. She moved around the changing rooms, poolside, in the water, as if she owned the place. _Not in an arrogant way though. Just like...she's in her natural habitat._

The way she swam...it made Emily's heart race. She cut through the water like a literal shark, focused on her goal. Unswerving. There was barely a ripple that spread out in her wake, so smooth were her movements. Emily would often find herself breathless at the end of one of Paige's races. She'd always put it down to the excitement of a meet or the joy at a teammate's victory.

She glanced at the girl beside her again, biting her lip to hide a smile. _How could I have been so dumb? Thinking she made me feel like that just because I admired her swimming._ There was a tinge of sadness as she thought of the time she wasted. Of the hurt and pain she could have saved Paige. Maybe that girl she'd met freshman year – the one she'd discovered again – wouldn't have disappeared at all.

She felt Paige's eyes on her and turned to look at her, hoping to hide the sadness that had come over her so suddenly.

“Hey, what's wrong?” Paige said, concern creasing her brow.

Emily couldn't help but smile. _Of course she can tell._

“I was just thinking about when we first met. How things could have been different if I'd...just stopped to notice what was happening. Tried harder.”

It was Paige's turn to stop now. She was shaking her head vigorously. “No, you can't think like that. We weren't...we weren't ready back then. Either of us. And if something had happened and one of us had freaked out, we might not have been able to get past it.

“Now's the right time for us, Em. I know it.”

Emily looked at her, shuffling from one foot to the other nervously. She was standing in the amber glow of a streetlight, the lamp highlighting her auburn hair and making it seem as if gold had been spun there. Her face was open and honest, a touch of pink accenting each cheek as she gazed back at Emily. The corners of her mouth were almost turned up in a smile but her questioning look was just winning out.

Emily's heart pounded in her chest. Her body hummed. It felt like it was desperate to move, like iron filings as they jittered and jumped next to a magnet. But she didn't move. She breathed. In and out. In and out. Breathing in the sight of Paige. The smell of her. The reality of her. Eyes wide, she looked at this woman that she loved and committed the moment to memory. The way her hair fell in waves on her shoulders, a little more on the right than the left. The way her shirt fell open at the top. The colour of her lips. The rise and fall of her chest. The exact brown of her eyes. The length of a blink. The thickness of an eyelash.

She moved then. She didn't remember making the decision. Didn't know how her lips found their way to Paige's. Didn't know how her hands became tangled in her hair. Didn't know how long they stood in the glowing pool of gold from the streetlight.

Eventually they pulled apart, resting their foreheads together. Once again breathing the same air, a symmetry that looked practised but was anything but. It just was.

Emily tried to speak, her cheeks now wet with tears she didn't realise had fallen and which Paige was now kissing away.

“It's okay,” she whispered. “I know. I love you too.”

* * *

Eventually the pair found themselves in front of the Fields house. Paige had gotten quieter once they were on the right street but her pace hadn't faltered, Emily noticed with pride.

Seeing she had got a little paler, though, Emily gently rubbed her arm. “Hey, it's gonna be ok. I'm right here.”

Paige nodded, gulping in an attempt to swallow down her fears.

The two made their way on to the porch and just as Emily was about to put her key in the lock, the door flung open and her mother was wrapping her in a hug.

“Emmy! Where have you been? I was so worried, Hanna and Aria said you'd just gone for a little run.”

“I'm fine, Mom,” Emily said, wriggling herself free and turning to look at Paige, who was standing a little off to the side, fiddling with her shirt and brushing her hand through her hair.

Pam peered around Emily, suddenly realising there was a stranger on her porch.

“And who might this be?” she said, looking at her daughter with eyes that already knew the answer.

Emily opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by Paige standing at her shoulder and sticking her hand out in her mother's direction.

“I'm Paige McCullers. It's very nice to meet you, Mrs Fields.”

Paige sounded confident and assured. Emily knew, though, from the tension she could see in her body that she was anything but.

Pam took her hand and shook it. “Well it's nice to meet you too, Paige.”

“It's my fault Emily is out so late, I apologise. We kind of lost track of time.”

Pam raised an eyebrow and looked at her daughter, who instantly turned beet red, before looking back at Paige and trying to stop a smirk from breaking out.

_Dammit McCullers._

“I...err...I mean, I made lunch. And it was a lot, y'know, I always make too much and then we were really full so it took a long time to walk back and- ”

Pam let out a laugh that cut Paige off mid-ramble, much to Emily's relief.

“Well it sounds like you had quite the adventure. Why don't you come inside and you can tell me all about this amazing picnic of yours?”

Paige let out a breath and nodded. “I'd like that very much.”

Pam smiled at Paige then wrapped an arm around Emily's shoulder, leading her inside. “So I guess you don't want dinner? I have a roast in the oven and I was going to make popovers.”

Emily looked back to see Paige's eyes light up as she followed them inside the house.

“Oh I wouldn't say that. I think someone could squeeze something else in.”

Pam made her way into the kitchen and the two girls took a seat at the island in the centre of the room.

“So Paige, you have a good appetite? It certainly doesn't show, you look like you need feeding up.”

“I told you,” Emily whispered in Paige's ear, causing a shiver to race up and down her spine.

Paige shrugged it off and tried to focus. “Well with training I burn a lot of calories. And I have a fast metabolism. I'm lucky that way I guess.”

“Well you're certainly a very good swimmer from what I've seen at meets. And Emily speaks very highly of you.”

Paige glanced at Emily, who was blushing profusely again. She nudged her gently with her elbow and flashed a cocky smile, earning her another indulgent eye roll.

“Well the team is really lucky to have Emily. She's amazing. In the water I mean.”

It was Paige's turn to blush now and Emily was mesmerised by the way the tips of her ears had gone pink. Oh how she wanted to lean over and-

“And what about out of the pool?” Pam said, drying her hands on a towel and letting it drop onto the counter in front of the girls.

“Mom!” Emily exclaimed, mortified, while Paige paled as fast as she'd blushed a moment earlier.

“What Emmy? I'm just interested in Paige's intentions.”

“Intentions? Oh my god, it's not 1965,” Emily said, her head buried in her hands.

Paige cleared her throat. “Well Mrs Fields, I...err...I am very fond of your daughter and I...err...”

She faltered as she watched Pam put her hand to her mouth and stifle a giggle. Paige looked at Emily, who was sitting with her mouth open staring at her mother, then back to Pam. This wasn't going well.

“I mean...I...she is amazing. In and out of the pool...”

Pam held up her hands. “Okay, stop! I was just playing with you, I'm sorry Paige. We mothers like to have a little fun sometimes too, y'know.”

Paige looked completely baffled, while Emily was the very picture of embarrassment.

“Dad's bad sense of humour has really rubbed off on you,” she said, having regained the power of speech.

Which was something Paige hadn't done, she realised, as she looked at the girl beside her. She reached out her hand and took Paige's.

“Hey, it's ok. You just got played, McCullers.”

“I...okay,” she said, before adding in a whisper, “are your parents always like this?”

Emily grinned. “Wait til you meet my dad. He's even worse.”

“Oh wow. Okay. That's something to look forward to,” she said with a genuine smile, one matched by the girl sitting beside her.

“When you two have finished making googly eyes at each other, could you please set the table?” said Pam, her mischievous demeanour still very evident.

Both girls blushed and hopped down from their stools immediately, Emily grabbing the cutlery from a drawer before leading Paige into the dining room.

“I'm so sorry about my Mom, I don't know what's got into her. She's not normally like this.”

Paige smiled. “Please don't apologise. It's actually really sweet. You can see how much she loves you.”

“I think she's overcompensating but I'm not going to complain,” laughed Emily.

Paige, who had been laying out the knives and forks, paused with her hand midair.

“You mean...it might not be going so well? Cos I felt like I was doing okay but maybe she doesn't like me so much and- ”

Emily was by her side in a second, wrapping her arms around her neck and pulling her in for a tight hug.

“That is absolutely not what I meant. I think she really likes you and has decided to skip the stern parent routine to try and put us both at ease.”

“Really?” Paige said, pulling back so she could study Emily's face.

“Yes. Really. My mother is very bad at hiding her feelings. If she didn't like you, you'd know about it.”

Paige grinned and began to relax, sliding her hands around Emily's waist and finding the smallest gap between her tank top and shorts, letting her thumbs smooth over the skin there. “I'd better make sure I never get on her bad side then.”

“Making out with my daughter when you're supposed to be setting the table should probably be avoided if you're going to succeed in that endeavour, Paige.”

The girls sprang apart instantly at the sound of Pam's voice as she walked in carrying a roast chicken, chuckling to herself.

Emily couldn't help but laugh too and pretty soon Paige was joining in, apologising to Pam and quickly laying out the rest of the cutlery.

Emily followed her mother into the kitchen and wrapped her arms around her from behind, laying her head on her shoulder.

“Thank you, Mom.”

Pam turned and smiled at her daughter, taking her hands in her own. “Emily, when you came back yesterday, I'd never seen you so upset. So broken. And then when you told me. About being...being gay, it was a shock.

“I still need time to get used to it. Your father and I need to talk. Wrap our heads around it. I was so worried today when you didn't come home for so long. And then when you did it was like all the light had been turned back on in your eyes.

“I've never seen you this happy. And if Paige is the one to do that, then she's welcome here anytime.”

Emily blinked away the tears that had sprung to her eyes. “She is. Paige is...everything. I know it must seem fast to you but...it feels right. I really love her, Mom.”

Pam pulled her daughter towards her and hugged her tight. It was a bittersweet moment for her. She was happy for her child, of course, but it was another step towards the time when she would no longer be her baby. When the first person she turned to wouldn't be Pam. It would be Paige. Maybe she'd already gotten there, Pam thought.

“Come on, we'd better not leave Paige alone too long. She looks like she could be a worrier and I don't think I need to hear her start babbling again.”

Emily laughed. “Oh I'm pretty sure you haven't heard the last of that.”

The pair carried the rest of the food into the dining room, where they found Paige fiddling with the cutlery, apparently trying to make it line up with military precision.

“Well Wayne would certainly be impressed with that attention to detail, Paige. Now come on, let's eat.”

“Oh yes please, this all looks wonderful.”

“Well dig in, we don't stand on ceremony around here,” said Pam, helping herself to some chicken.

Paige grinned and began to pile up her plate. Teasingly, Emily said: “I don't know where she puts it all. We only ate a couple of hours ago.”

“Hey, I've got to keep my strength up for the meet tomorrow,” said Paige, spearing two popovers with her fork in one impressive motion.

“Erm, I swim on the team too, remember? You don't see me eating for five.”

“I can't help it if I need more fuel cos I go faster, Fields.”

That was enough to earn Paige a quick tickling to the ribs, and gave Pam the first glimpse of what would become known as the famous McCullers chimpanzee laugh.

She looked from one to the other and smiled warmly as she watched their easy back and forth, the teasing and the affection evident in equal measure. _They're just like Wayne and I at their age._

When the two had settled down and begun to focus on their food, Pam said: “So Paige, will your parents be at the meet tomorrow? I'd love to say hi.”

Paige lowered her fork slowly and looked at Emily, who had also stopped eating. “Well, erm, they're out of town at the moment but they normally get back in time. It's just that they...erm...”

Emily cut in. “They don't know about us. Paige isn't...she hasn't told them yet.”

Pam understood what Emily was trying to say and looked at Paige with sympathy. “I understand. Maybe some other time?”

Paige relaxed and smiled. “Yeah. Some other time.”

“And do your parents go away often?”

Paige fidgeted in her chair. The topic of her parents was never a fun one for her, and certainly not when she was trying to make a good impression on her girlfriend's mother.

“Yes they do. They both have jobs that involve a lot of business trips.”

“I see. And what about you? Do you have relatives to stay with while they're gone?”

Paige wriggled again, and Emily reached out and laid a reassuring hand on her thigh. _Oh lord. Not helping, Emily!_

“Well we don't have any family around here. So I just look after myself.”

Pam frowned. “That doesn't sound like much fun, Paige.”

Paige considered the statement. She didn't want to lie when things had been going well. “Well my parents and I, we don't really get along so well. I don't really see them much when they're home so I guess I don't really miss them if they're away.”

She felt a squeeze on her leg from Emily and knew she'd made the right decision.

“Well, it's going to be pretty late by the time we finish dinner and dishes – why don't you stay here tonight?”

Emily was quick to jump in. “Oh well I was thinking maybe I could stay at Paige's tonight. Y'know, erm, keep her company. It's such a big house and I wouldn't want her to be lonely. Plus we have that meet tomorrow so we could use her pool to get in some last minute practice and- ”

“Looks like Paige isn't the only one who likes to babble when she's nervous,” Pam interrupted, smiling. “We don't have a pool but you can accomplish everything else if Paige stays here.”

 _Not everything,_ Emily sighed internally.

“That would be lovely, thank you Mrs Fields.”

“Please – call me, Pam. Now, do you have room for dessert?”

“Always!” Paige said enthusiastically, and all three started to laugh.

The rest of the evening was spent enjoying good food and good company, with Pam eventually calling it a night as the girls settled in for a movie. Gesturing to Emily to follow her, she headed for the stairs.

“Emmy, Paige can stay in your room. I trust you to make good decisions. But I don't need to know all of them,” Pam said, watching in amusement as her daughter's eyes grew wide.

“But we need to talk about Paige's parents. I'm not comfortable with them not knowing what's going on.”

Emily nodded and embraced her mother tightly. “Thanks Mom. For everything.”

“Goodnight, Emily. Remember you have the meet tomorrow, don't stay up too late.”

“We won't. Night Mom.”

Emily walked back to the lounge and flopped down on the couch beside Paige, still in shock.

“What's up?” Paige said as she muted the TV and turned to face Emily.

“My Mom just said you can stay in my room. And basically just said do what you want as long as I don't know about it.”

Paige laughed loudly. “Yeah right. I'm not falling for that, Em.”

“Paige I'm serious. She basically gave us her blessing.”

“You're honestly not joking? Wow. She really is the coolest mom around.”

Emily scooted closer to her and wrapped her arms around her neck. “Well did you ever doubt it? With a daughter like me?”

Paige looked back at her adoringly. Unsure how to answer. In words at least. So she let her lips do the talking in a different way.

Both of them sighed into the kiss, languidly exploring each other, teasing with tongues lightly at first but it wasn't long before the passion began to overtake them, hands clawing at clothes, fingers grasping on to hair as if afraid to let go.

Breaking apart, Emily, panting, said: “I don't much feel in the mood for the movie anymore.”

Paige agreed swiftly. “Me either. An early night sounds good. Y'know, with the meet tomorrow...”

Emily grinned and grabbed her hand before pulling her up and dragging her towards the stairs. “Yeah we should definitely get a good night's sleep. For the meet,” she said, walking backwards, her eyes dark with lust, her fingers already reaching for the buttons of Paige's shirt.

 


	23. Chapter 23

Paige was quickly losing her mind as Emily kissed her senseless, all the time feeling as though her hands were everywhere. In her hair. Running up and down her spine. Caressing her neck.

It felt amazing and astonishing and as much like a dream as the first time she'd felt Emily's hands on her skin, burning the memory into her as if she'd been branded by her passion.

But right now, Paige was holding back. She was desperately trying to swim to the surface of her desire but Emily's kisses were like an anchor dragging her down to need and abandon.

Paige was nothing if not competitive though, and she somehow managed to summon the strength to gradually slow down the kisses and gently pull away.

They were both breathing heavily. Chests rising and falling quickly. Emily looked at Paige quizzically as she attempted to pick up where she left off, only to watch as Paige took a step backwards.

“Em...” she said, quietly.

“What's wrong? Did I do something?”

“No it's not that, it's just...this doesn't feel right.”

Emily looked like she'd been sucker-punched and Paige immediately realised what she'd said.

“Oh Em, no. I don't mean we don't feel right. Not at all. Just...your mom is just across the hall.”

Emily let out a sigh of relief. “But she said it was ok. She knows you're in my room.”

She ran her fingers lightly up and down Paige's arm, each pass sending little shocks tripping through her body, transmitting signals to her brain she was finding it hard to resist.

She took Emily's hand in her own and squeezed it, before bringing her other hand up to gently stroke her cheek.

“Em, you know your mom isn't really okay with this. She's had all this dropped on her and is trying to do her best but I think she's overcompensating.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well before tonight would you ever have thought she would let you have someone stay over? And basically say go ahead and get it on?”

Emily couldn't help but laugh. “Get it on? Really, Paige?”

She got an eyeroll in return, before Paige pressed on. “Seriously though. I just met her and I can see she's not that type of mom.”

Emily looked away. She knew Paige was right. But she'd never wanted her to be wrong more than she did in that moment.

She looked back and was met with Paige's warm, kind eyes.

“You're right. I know you're right.”

Paige smiled and wrapped her arms around Emily. “It's the right thing to do, Em. I don't want to disrespect your mom. I want her to like me. To trust me.”

Emily pulled back slightly and gazed again into Paige's eyes. “She already does. I think she can see how happy you make me.”

A broad smile broke out on Paige's face. “I make you happy?”

Emily smiled back indulgently. “Yes, Paige, you make me happy. Not quite as happy right now as I'd like to be but...”

Paige leaned in and pressed a tender, loving kiss on Emily's lips. “I know. And believe me, I'm right there with you. But we've got all the time in the world, Em.”

Emily's heart quickened at the phrase. Paige was thinking long term. Thinking about the future. She supposed it should freak her out. They had, after all, only been together for a few days and it was far too soon. But the words held only comfort and excitement for her.

“How did I get so lucky to have a girlfriend like you?”

Paige raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Girlfriend? Aren't you getting a bit ahead of yourself, Fields?”

That earned Emily's fingers wiggling in Paige's side, once again drawing a squeal from Paige as she found her weak spot.

“Oh my god, stop. Your mom will think we're doing something when we're not,” Paige laughed.

“Okay, okay,” said Emily, raising her hands in surrender and backing away.

Paige pouted. “Well you don't need to be so far away....girlfriend.”

Emily looked away shyly and began to play with the hem of her top. “If it's too soon, we don't have to label it. It's fine, really.”

Paige smiled, her face a mixture of surprise and amusement. She couldn't fathom how Emily Fields could seem so insecure when she had everything. She was beautiful. Still, the word didn't do her justice. Paige felt like she should invent one just for her. It wasn't why Paige was so drawn to her, though. Or at least, only in part. It was her spirit, her soul that had called to Paige from that first day they met and had continued to ever since. Like a siren call. Her voice echoing in Paige's head had kept her focused in the pool. Had kept her company on lonely nights. Had comforted her when despair had threatened to drown her.

Emily had been like an imaginary friend, guiding her, cajoling her, walking beside her. Now she was a reality. Standing in her room, fiddling with her clothes, uncomfortable because she thought Paige McCullers wouldn't be ready to say she was her girlfriend. Paige almost laughed out loud at the implausibility of it.

She reached out and removed Emily's hand from her top, laying it carefully between her own two and gently smoothing the top with her thumb. Looking at Paige with questioning eyes, Emily waited anxiously for her to speak.

“Em, I would love to call you my girlfriend. And to be called yours. I know this is fast, but nothing we've done feels wrong. We fit,” she said, looking at their hands and entwining their fingers as she did so. “I love you, Emily Fields. I can't imagine doing anything else for the rest of my life.”

Tears prickled in Emily's eyes as she listened, amazed that she really had found the Paige she remembered from freshman year again. She was so open, so alive, so willing to hand her heart to Emily. The trust she was placing in her was huge but Emily didn't feel burdened. It was an honour. A gift.

Blinking away the tears, she said: “I love you too, Paige McCullers. I could not be more proud to be your girlfriend.”

Arms wrapped tightly around each other, their hearts beating wildly in their chests as they revelled in this moment. Another step on their path together.

Paige drew in a long breath, intoxicated by the scent of Emily, by the closeness of their bodies, by the connection they had forged. She turned her head and laid her lips on Emily's neck, feeling her pulse jump and race beneath them. She kissed her way upwards towards her ear, taking the lobe into her mouth and running her tongue over it before nipping it lightly with her teeth.

She felt Emily slump slightly against her as her knees went weak at Paige's attention. She began to kiss her way along her jawline before capturing her lips with her own with a passion that she knew wasn't fair given the conversation they'd just had. It was heat and desire and love and...torture for the two as they broke apart.

Emily brushed her hair away from her face and shook her head lightly, as Paige watched, enamoured. “What?” she said shyly.

Paige smiled. “Nothing, still pinching myself I guess. You. Me. Together. It's still pretty hard to take in. The fact that you want to be with me.”

“For me too. You have to know that.”

Paige shrugged. It was still hard for her to accept such a sharp turn of events and her insecurities were never far from the surface.

Emily gently moved a stray strand of hair from Paige's face and placed it behind her ear, letting her hand trail down her neck, the lightest of touches causing her to tremble. “I guess I'll just have to keep reminding you then,” Emily said, her voice low and thick with want.

Paige swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry as she let her sight run over Emily's body. Eventually she drew them back to her eyes and saw a twinkle of amusement there.

She narrowed her own and said: “Not fair, Em. I'm trying to be strong here.”

Emily laughed lightly, before turning to her drawers and rummaging inside. Pulling out two shirts and two pairs of shorts, she said: “Here, take your pick. We should really get some sleep if we want to have any chance tomorrow.”

Paige grabbed a faded old Rosewood Sharks shirt and looked at it intently. “That's if coach even lets us swim. We haven't exactly been impressing her lately.”

“Are you worried? You think she'd bench us?

“I don't know. Maybe? She might want to make a point.”

Paige sat on the edge of the bed, still clutching the shirt, a worried expression on her face.

Emily walked round in front of her and knelt on the ground, her hands resting on Paige's knees. “Hey, it'll be ok. If she does punish us, it's just one meet.”

Paige's jaw clenched. “My dad won't see it like that.”

Emily cursed herself for not seeing sooner what the problem was. Of course Paige would be worried about what her dad would think. He was intense to say the least.

“Look, there's no use worrying about something that might not happen. And if it does, you have me. I'll be with you, Paige. I promise.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, leaning forwards and letting her head rest on Emily's shoulder. Arms wrapped around her in comfort and she began to relax, calmed by the girl before her in a way she never thought possible.

“Come on, you can use the bathroom first,” said Emily, smiling widely as she stood and pulled Paige with her.

* * *

Paige gently ran her fingertips across Emily's forehead, down her cheek, across her lips, earning them a tiny kiss as they passed by on their journey. They were lying facing each other, the covers loosely lying over their legs, which were entwined beneath them. Two hands clasped each other by the pillows. Emily's other arm was draped across Paige's waist, her eyes heavy, her breathing deep, as she delighted in the feel of Paige's skin against her own. She let her hand slip under Paige's shirt to feel the smoothness there. _Like velvet._

She felt Paige stop as she ran her thumb under her chin, gently applying pressure in silent request for Emily to raise her head. Again she ran her thumb over a patch of skin that felt different to the rest, a small scar. About a centimetre long.

“When did you get this?”

Emily paused, trying to recall, before answering: “When I was six I think. Yeah, about that.”

“Tell me about it? Please?”

Her eyes shone in the dark, as bright as her smile. _She's so adorable._

“Well, it was the summer my dad taught me how to swim. Well, properly swim. I'd been able to get from one side of the pool to the other for a while but he wanted to teach me a proper stroke.”

Paige could not have been more engrossed in the story, imagining little Emily splashing about in the water, her father trying to fine tune her already obvious natural talent.

“So he was teaching me a few things and of course I was picking them up pretty quickly,” she said with a wink.

“Of course,” said Paige indulgently.

Emily laughed. “Anyway, he decided I was doing so well that he'd try and teach me how to dive.”

Paige's smile dropped as she said: “Oh my god, did you hit the bottom? Did you hurt anything else?”

Her hands had begun to start a new search of Emily's face, looking for damage.

Emily placed hers on top of them to still her. “Hey, it's ok. This was 11 years ago.”

Paige dipped her head. “I know, I'm sorry. I just hate to think of you being hurt.”

“I know and it's beyond adorable. But it was really not that dramatic. In fact, it's kind of lame. I was so excited to give it a try that I was in a hurry to get out of the pool and I smacked my chin off the side.”

She shook her head in laughter as she added: “Such an idiot.”

Paige stroked her cheek gently. “Not at all, you were just excited. Enthusiastic. Two excellent qualities.”

Emily rolled her eyes. “I think you might be a little biased.”

“Guilty as charged, your honour. And I'm not even a little bit sorry.”

Emily leaned forward and kissed her. “Do you have any idea how adorable you are?”

Paige blushed.

_Her cheeks look like roses. Those dusky kind._

“Sometimes. When you look at me, yeah. I feel...different. Like you see me. And you don't look away.”

Emily reached out and cupped her face, feeling the heat there flowing into her. “Never. I do see you, the real you. And I love what I see.”

They kissed again, slow and languid, a kiss that spoke of timelessness, hope, a future yet to be written.

Eventually Paige laid her head on Emily's shoulders and the two drifted off to sleep, their limbs wrapped around each other, tangled up in love.

* * *

Emily's nose twitched as she felt something tickling it. She reached up to swat whatever it was away, still half asleep and trying to get back to a dream.

“OW!”

The sound caused her to sit bolt upright – smacking straight into the head of Paige, who had been trying to wake her girlfriend by blowing gently on her face.

“OW!” they both said, reeling backwards and clutching their respective foreheads.

“Holy shit, Em. You've got some right hook. Not to mention a hard head.”

“Yours isn't exactly soft,” said Emily, before reaching out and pulling Paige towards her. She placed a tender kiss to her head and said: “I'm so sorry, I didn't realise what I was doing.”

Paige mirrored her action. “Totally my fault but at least I know I'm dating a ninja now,” she said with a chuckle.

“Yeah and my dad's in the army, so you really don't want to mess with this family,” said Emily, laughing as she saw a flash of worry pass over Paige's face. “Oh come on, I'm kidding. My dad's a pussycat.”

“Yeah, so you say. You're his little girl. I'm the one who wants to...well...you know.”

Emily smiled her best sultry smile. “No Paige,” she said with faux innocence, batting her eyelids. “I have no idea what you mean.”

“Okay stop that right now,” Paige said flustered.

Emily pouted and in that second, Paige was a goner. _This is how it's going to be for the rest of my life. I hope._

She swung a leg over Emily's hips and pinned her arms by her head. “I'm the girl who wants to do this”, kissing Emily hard, pushing her down into the bed. “And this,” nipping at her neck and causing a moan to escape Emily's lips. “Not to mention this,” leaning down and pulling Emily's top upwards with her teeth before taking her right nipple into her mouth and sucking on it, hard.

“Ohhhh god, Paige,” Emily managed to breathe out, her arms straining to move. But she was at a disadvantage and Paige knew it. She lifted her head and grinned, feeling Emily's hips forcing upwards to meet her own, looking for any kind of friction. “Sorry Em, time for breakfast! Got to keep to a routine on the big day,” she said as she hopped off the bed and stood with her hands on her hips, barely able to contain her laughter.

Emily was a dumbfounded mess, hot and bothered and with no chance of getting any kind of satisfaction. Except for one thing...

With Paige still mentally patting herself on the back, Emily moved quickly, catching her unawares and starting a tickle attack that immediately had Paige writhing and falling back onto the bed.

_Two can play at this game._

Paige was so busy trying not to squeal that she didn't realise Emily had managed to pin her down until it was too late.

“I can see why you like being in this position,” Emily said, moving her hips slowly backwards and forwards on Paige's own.

“Such a good view from up here. So many delights to look at,” she purred, raking her eyes over Paige's body.

Paige felt like she could physically feel the path of her eyes over her, such was the intensity of her gaze. She struggled, trying to get free but Emily wasn't having any of it.

She bent down, her breasts barely falling onto Paige's own, causing her to close her eyes and bite her lip in frustration. Emily began to drag her body up and down, her nipples grazing Paige's with each pass. It was only adding to her own frustration but it was worth it to get her own back.

And just like that she was hauling herself off Paige and standing by the side of the bed. “Breakfast? I'll meet you downstairs,” Emily said, before bouncing off with a spring in her step. Paige grabbed a pillow and pulled it down over her face, groaning into it. _She's going to be the death of me._

* * *

Emily walked into the kitchen and found her mother busy at the stove, cooking up a storm. She could tell from the set of her shoulders that she was tense and she had a pretty good idea why.

Pulling her hair back and fixing it into a messy bun, she made her way over to her and said brightly: “Morning Mom. This looks amazing, can I help you with anything?”

Pam smiled at her only daughter. She looked radiant. Happy. Pam wanted to only have good feelings about it but she was finding it hard. It was such a huge change in such a short amount of time. She'd talked things through with Wayne, of course, but she wished he was there to help her navigate this new part of their lives.

“It's fine, I have everything under control. I've got eggs, blueberry pancakes, smoothies. I hope Paige is hungry.”

Emily laughed. “Oh yeah, she's got quite the appetite. You probably gathered that last night.”

Pam smiled thinly, before turning her attention back to the eggs. Emily squeezed her eyes tight - _you moron -_ before quickly adding: “I mean, you saw how much she ate at dinner. And we'd only just had that picnic. Plus she likes to eat a big breakfast before a meet.”

Pam just nodded and continued to swirl the scrambled eggs in the pan.

_Okay then. Let's do this._

“Mom, nothing happened last night. Paige...I mean...we both wanted to respect you and your home. It's really important to both of us that you know we're not just messing around. We really care about each other.”

Pam turned off the stove and turned to face her daughter. This 17-year-old who was bright and kind and funny and everything she could ever have wished for. A daughter who was mature enough to talk about something she herself had sought to avoid.

“Thank you, Emily. I think you might have guessed I was...overcompensating a little. Maybe if your father had been here to discuss it with I might not have made the decision to say what I said. Looks like you realised that.”

Emily shook her head. “Actually it was Paige. She didn't feel comfortable about it. She really cares what you think. And I realised she was right. I guess we all need to take time to work all this out.”

“Well she's already impressed me. I meant what I said though, if she's going to stay here again, her parents need to know. I wouldn't want someone to keep that from me if it was you, Emmy.”

“I know, Mom. I just need to give her time, she's not ready. Her parents are...well they're tough. They're not like you and dad.”

Pam nodded, her jaw set. “Yes, I know Nick McCullers. I didn't want to mention it to Paige, but we've sat near him at meets sometimes. He takes it very seriously. Does he put a lot of pressure on her?”

Emily nodded. “Yes, about her times, what she eats, when she practices. Everything.”

Pam began to set out plates at the kitchen island and lay cutlery. “That must be hard on her. She's welcome here any time. Now go give her a call so we can eat.”

Just as Emily was making her way to the stairs, Paige came walking down, dressed but her face still flushed, her hair pulled back into a tight ponytail. Her eyes shifted uncomfortably from Emily to her mother and back again, certain that Pam could read her mind and be none too impressed at the thoughts that were still running through it from the earlier activities.

“G-good morning, Mrs Fields.”

“Please, Paige. Pam, remember?”

Paige relaxed a little and smiled, nodding.

“Now sit down and tuck in. I want my two little swimmers to be at their best today.”

The pair sat down on their stools and Paige looked on in wonder as Pam served out the food, smiling and joking. _So this is what it feels like._

Emily was watching her, her eyes tearing up at the sight of pure joy on Paige's face as she began to banter back and forth with Pam, laughing in between shovelling eggs and pancakes into her mouth at Olympic speeds.

She slowly started eating her own food, more intent on watching Paige and Pam's interaction, happy that she could give her girlfriend something she knew she didn't have at home.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Paige's phone ringing shrilly. “I'm so sorry, I'll turn it off,” she said before looking at the caller ID and going cold. “Erm, actually it's my father. Is it ok if I be excused for a second?”

Pam smiled. “Of course dear.”

Paige hopped off her stool and walked into the hallway before answering. “Hi Dad. No I'm fine. I stayed at a- Yes. I know. But I'm just- Okay. I'll leave now.”

Emily and her mother exchanged glances as they listened to the conversation, eyeing Paige warily as she walked back into the room.

“I'm so sorry Mrs- Pam. I have to leave now.”

Emily got down and reached out for her. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah it's just...my parents are home and they didn't know where I was. They want me back straight away.”

“Okay, well, shall I come with you?”

Paige looked away, her face a picture of fear and worry. She turned back to Emily and said, her voice merely a whisper: “I don't think it's a good idea, Em.”

Emily nodded, swallowing. “I understand. Just...call me when you can okay? And I'll see you at the meet.”

Emily took her hand and led her to the door, wrapping her arms around her and kissing her tenderly on the lips. “It's gonna be ok. I promise,” she whispered, as they stood with their foreheads pressed together, lost in the moment and not wanting to leave it.

Paige stepped back and nodded, then opened the door and left without looking back. It was too hard.

And things were only going to get harder.

 


	24. Chapter 24

Paige stood at the bottom of the long driveway that led up to her house, her eyes blinking rapidly in the sun as she looked up the incline and towards the front door.

The walk from Emily's had done little to calm her nerves. She'd been hurrying along at a furious pace, keen not to raise the ire of her already angry father.

But now here she was. Unable to complete the journey she'd been racing to finish.

She drew in three long breaths, trying to calm herself down. _Just take it easy. It's fine. He'll be cross for a while and then he'll get back to focusing on swimming._

Closing her eyes, Paige gathered the answers she knew she would need to have ready before opening them again and starting the final leg of her walk.

Reaching for the door handle she almost stumbled into the house as it was wrenched away from her by Nick McCullers from the other side.

“Inside. Now.”

Paige swallowed, her mouth dry. “Yes sir,” she managed to get out in a small voice, before lowering her head away from his eyes and moving past him into the hallway. She heard the door slam behind her, afraid to turn around and face her father.

His tone was even when he spoke but it barely concealed his anger. “I would like you to explain to me very carefully why you think it's ok to stay out all night. And not just any night, but the one before a very important swim meet.”

Paige winced at his words, her eyes focusing on the stairs in front of her. Wishing she could be running up them. Running into the safe haven of her room.

“I'm sorry, I- ”

“Face me when you're talking to me, young lady,” Nick shouted, his anger finally boiling over.

Paige turned slowly, her eyes meeting the glare of her father. She knew she couldn't look away, no matter how hard it was to stand tall in the face of the menace she saw there.

“I'm sorry. I didn't want to stay here alone and Emily's mother said I could sleep over at their place.”

Nick stared at his daughter, assessing the truth of what she said, remaining unconvinced.

“Really? Because it's never bothered you before. In fact, I always thought you preferred to have the place to yourself.”

_You're not wrong there, dad._

“Well I...I watched a pretty scary movie yesterday and I guess I just got a bit freaked out.”

Her father arched an eyebrow. No doubt that's where Paige had inherited it from but on her it was playful, amused. On her father it was quizzical and mocking.

“You've never been afraid of a horror movie in your life. I don't know why you're lying and quite frankly, I don't care.”

_Tell me something I don't know._

“All I care about is the fact that you think it's okay to go waltzing off with this Fields girl, no doubt staying up late like you're on some kind of slumber party.

“That girl is your competition. She's probably trying to make you lose your focus.”

“That's not it, she- ”

“What other reason could she possibly have for inviting you over?”

Paige felt the words like a slap to the face, the sting in her eyes all too harsh as she tried to fathom why her father would say something so cruel.

“Emily's not like that, she's my friend.” _She's my everything._

Nick laughed then. It was a short, sharp outburst and Paige thought she'd never heard something so horrible. Her shoulders slumped and she wrapped her arms around herself, trying to draw some warmth from the comforting action.

“Since when do you have friends?” he scoffed. “You have swimming, Paige. You have school and you have the pool. And then you have Stanford. That's the goal. You remember the goal, right?”

“Yes sir.”

Nick took a step forward and Paige winced. “I can't hear you.”

“Yes sir,” she said, raising her head in the tiniest show of defiance.

“Good. Go to your room and get changed. I want you in the pool doing laps in five minutes.”

“But coach said- ”

“I don't give a damn what your coach said,” his voice reverberated around the echoing house. “You will be in the pool in exactly five minutes to do laps.”

Paige nodded almost imperceptibly and turned for the stairs.

“And Paige?”

She stopped, one foot on the first step, her whole body tensing at his voice. “Yes?”

“You'd better pray to all that's holy that you win today after this little stunt.”

Cold dread spread across her body, seeping into every part of her. She couldn't answer. It took all her effort to put one foot in front of the other and climb the stairs to her room.

* * *

Emily reached into her locker and took out her watch. 11.09am. _Where is is she?_ She put it back and began to fiddle with the goggles she had adjusted only seconds before. Paige was already nine minutes late. And Paige was never late. They had to be in the pool soon to warm up before the meet started at 11.30am. Anxiety was coursing through her and she had no idea how she was meant to concentrate on what was to come.

She reached into her locker again. 11.11am. _Come on Paige._

“Fields!”

She jumped at the sound of Coach Fulton's voice and turned around to see her standing with her clipboard, looking irritated.

“Yes coach?”

“Where's McCullers? She's normally the first one in the pool.”

“I- I don't know. Maybe she got held up in traffic or something.” It was unconvincing and Emily knew it even without the skeptical look Coach was giving her.

“I don't know what's going on with you two lately but this is not what I expect from two seniors trying to push for a college scholarship.”

“I promise, coach, that's what we want. She'll be here.”

Just then the door was swung open so violently it rebounded back on the girl barrelling through it, smacking her on the shoulder.

“FUCK!”

_Paige._

“Miss McCullers. Way to make an entrance,” Coach Fulton said with as much snark as she could muster.

“I'm sorry coach, my dad...we just lost track of time before we left.”

The coach let her eyes drift over the girl's wet hair. It was obvious now why she had barely made it in time. _Damn, he'll kill that girl with this regime._

Her eyes softened, but she kept her tone even. She didn't want the others to think she played favourites. “Just get changed and get out there. We've got a meet to win.”

Paige walked to her locker with her eyes down but fully aware that Emily's were fixed on her.

She opened it up and quickly began to strip, before she felt a warm hand on her shoulder.

“Paige, are you ok? What happened.”

She turned to face her girlfriend, the pain etched on her features. “I can't talk about it, Em. If I do, I'm not going to get through this. And I have to get through this.”

Emily nodded in understanding, pressing her lips tightly together as if physically stopping herself from uttering the words of comfort that were crowding her mind. She knew what Paige needed. Or rather what she didn't need. If she didn't perform in the pool, whatever had happened with her dad would become so much worse.

She set about packing Paige's clothes into her locker for her. Finding her goggles. Teeing up her Game Time playlist on her phone. Little gestures. Paige watched, once again caught in a moment of disbelief. Of wonder. The feeling of having someone on her side washed away the tension slowly but surely, with each fold of a shirt. Each flick of a thumb on a screen.

Emily looked up and their eyes locked. They didn't need to speak. This was enough. For now at least. What came after...well they'd deal with that when they got there. Together.

Emily smiled and handed Paige her phone. “Ready?”

Paige grinned back. “Always.”

* * *

Coach Fulton was impressed as she watched her team. She'd been getting increasingly worried about Fields and McCullers over the last couple of days. It wasn't like either of them to miss practice. Or to underperform when they were there.

And she had to admit, she'd wondered if she'd been the cause of what she hoped was just a hiccup in their Sharks career. Putting them together had seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Paige was performing incredibly well but there was no-one to push her, keep her at those heights. She knew Emily had the natural talent to get close to her, she just needed that little extra competitive edge.

It hadn't been just that which had informed her decision though. She'd long been trying to find a way to coax McCullers out of her shell. She had real concerns about the girl. She'd tried to restrict her father's input into her training, tried to explain to him he was pushing her too hard but he had no interest in what she had to say. She could see how tired she was sometimes at training. But more than that, her demeanour was so...sad. There was just no other word for it. She was the complete opposite of Fields, with her sunny disposition and ready smile.

So she figured putting them together might help both of them. And, she reasoned, not wanting to admit she might be going soft as she got older, a happier Paige would surely be a better swimmer.

She'd looked anything but when she careered into the locker room and the coach had feared the worst. But she'd watched the interaction between Fields and McCullers. How they dovetailed around each other, completing tasks. The smile they exchanged. The way whatever weight was pushing Paige down seemed to be lifted bit by bit with just a few moments in Emily's company. It wasn't a development she had expected but she wasn't about to judge.

Now she was watching the two tear apart the opposition. She had been right – Emily's times were drastically improved while Paige had maintained her exceptional standards. There was barely anything between them now. She smiled with satisfaction as she watched another race won – Paige cruising to a new personal best in the butterfly.

“Phenomenal racing, McCullers,” she said, handing Paige a towel as she climbed out of the water.

“Thanks coach, it felt good.”

“Glad to hear it. How much is left in the tank?”

“Plenty,” Paige grinned.

Fulton smiled back before calling Emily over.

“Okay girls, here's where we are. This meet is already won but I want to do it in style. It's relay time – we're sticking with the plan. Emily, you'll lead them off. Paige, you anchor. I think a school record is within our grasp.”

Emily and Paige exchanged excited glances before hurrying off to prepare. Paige gently pulled Emily to the side, away from the loud babble of their teammates, all on a high from the day's successes.

Emily felt her heart leap in her chest at Paige's touch. _It's been so long._

Paige smiled then, a big, dopey grin that melted Emily's heart and made her want to kiss her senseless.

Instead they just stood there, facing one another. Breathing each other's air. As it was always meant to be.

“Em, I couldn't have done this without you. I don't know how to thank you.”

Emily reached out her fingers, letting them graze Paige's own, careful to make sure the action couldn't be seen. Paige felt the touch crackle through her fingertips and up her arm, shivers following in its wake.

“I don't need your thanks. This is what we do Paige. This is us.”

Paige let out a breath and grinned. _How is this my life?_

“Are you ready for this?”

Emily rolled her eyes. “Are you kidding me? I was born ready, McCullers.”

Paige laughed, a deep and wide laugh that drew the attention of her teammates, so unusual was it to be heard from her.

“Okay then, let's do it.”

* * *

Emily stood on her block, her toes pressed into the cool surface, trying to give herself as much grip as possible. She pulled down the goggles over her eyes and took a deep cleansing breath which she pushed out of her mouth with her cheeks puffed.

Slowly the sound of the cheering crowd faded as if she was already underwater, their voices distorted and distant. Except for one. Somewhere amid the dull roar she heard one voice, clear and true. “You got this, Em!”

She smiled as she reached down to grab the block, still and steady, waiting for the start. When it came, Emily's reactions were perfect as she dived into the water and cut through it with ease.

She was ahead before she'd even gone half a length and was soon extending her lead. Long, easy strokes pulled her through the water, sleek and determined.

Paige stood watching in awe. Normally she'd still have her headphones in, getting her mind in the right place for when she took her own place on the block. Not today though. Today she was watching the girl she loved owning the pool like she was born in the water. _My mermaid._ Paige couldn't have kept the smile from her face if she'd tried and she certainly wasn't going to. She didn't need music to calm her, she just needed moments like this. Moments that washed away all the fear and anxiety and left her with a feeling like...she couldn't describe. At peace, but excited. Amazed, but calm.

She watched as Emily touched the side, the second swimmer diving over her head and into the water with a half length lead. Paige reached down her hand and hauled Emily out of the pool, squeezing her hand quickly before letting go and smiling broadly.

“That was amazing, Em.”

Emily was breathing hard but managed to smile back, before answering teasingly: “Yeah, don't ruin it by thinking you can cruise home in style, McCullers.”

Paige stuck out her tongue, before starting to stretch out her muscles ready for her anchor leg. Emily joined her to do her warm-down, the pair quietly going about their business with one eye on their teammates. The middle duo weren't in Paige and Emily's class but they were holding their own.

As the third swimmer completed her turn and made for home, Paige stepped onto the block and began her last minute preparations, adjusting goggles and swim cap, her arms turning windmills before she bent low and gripped the edge.

“Bring us home, Paige!”

_Always, Em._

It felt like everything was in slow motion as Paige dove into the pool. She heard the rush of the water as she broke the surface, flicking her legs behind her in one fluid motion before she emerged again and took her first breath.

Powering through her strokes, she felt invincible. She'd always been fast, she knew she was a very good swimmer, but this felt different. She felt different. Like she could conquer anything.

With every pull of her arms Paige felt stronger. Instead of loathing pushing her on it was...love. Where it used to be the sting of scars, now it was Emily's touch. Where she believed swimming was all she was, now she knew she was whole. That she belonged.

Before she knew it, she was touching the side and arms seemed to be reaching down from every angle to help her out of the pool. She found herself engulfed in hugs, the emotion making it even harder for her to catch her breath than normal. Her heart was pounding loudly in her ears, she could hear the congratulations of the other girls, feel the slaps on her back. She'd always wanted this, the camaraderie, the acceptance. Pride was an unfamiliar feeling but it was there, swelling in her chest. She just needed to find...

All the air was knocked out of her as Emily broke through the crowd and nearly lifted her off her feet with the force of her hug. She laughed as she wrapped her own arms around Emily and squeezed her back. Emily broke the hug quickly but her smile stayed wide. “Paige, did you see the time?”

“I was kind of busy, Em,” she laughed, as the other girls stood around eagerly awaiting her reaction.

Emily mock pouted but it didn't last long, her excitement too great. “Well we broke the school record,” she said, with far less enthusiasm than Paige expected.

“Great!” she said, trying to make up for the two of them, still looking at Emily quizzically.

“Yep, pretty great...but not as great as breaking the state record,” Emily said, suddenly starting to bounce on the spot, clutching her hands in front of her to have something to do with them rather than grab Paige again.

All Paige's bravado had disappeared as her mouth hung open in shock. She was only broken from her reverie by a huge clap on the back from Coach Fulton. “That was one hell of a swim girls. McCullers, looks like that work with Fields has paid off. You've really brought out the best in each other.”

The two looked at each other and saw blushed cheeks mirrored there. It would have been obvious to any of their teammates had they been paying attention rather than busy with their own celebrations.

As is always the way with these things, however, someone noticed. And that someone was, of course, Alison DiLaurentis.

It wasn't the only thing she saw that day. She saw their intimate chat before Emily swam. She saw the way their fingertips brushed tentatively, secretively, unseen by all but the most perceptive. She saw the way Emily hugged Paige, like she never wanted to let go.

Her sense of indignation, of disbelief, was massive. She'd warned Pigskin to stay away from Emily and she'd ignored her. It was unfathomable. Unacceptable. Since when had she grown a backbone?

Her shock at this turn of events – one she was pretty sure had detoured way off her intended path judging by the crimson staining their cheeks – was quickly overtaken by her need to reassert control.

Even if it meant burning all her bridges. _I'll just build more._ She'd warned Emily. Without her doe-eyed devotion, what use was she?

Sitting several rows in front of her, she saw Pam and Wayne Fields. Her eyes narrowed, a smile just curling at the edges of her mouth. _Poor unsuspecting fools. Cheering on their girl. They have no idea who she really is. I guess I should put them out of their misery._

As the Fields rose from their seats, Alison followed a little way behind them. They made their way down to the entrance of the locker rooms waiting for Emily to come out. Their faces were full of pride as they chatted away about their daughter's performance.

Also waiting at the entrance, but with completely different dispositions were the McCullers. Nick and Elizabeth stood stiffly, looking impatient to be on their way. Pam glanced over and wondered whether or not to say hello, apologise for not making sure they knew Paige had stayed over.

Before she had a chance to make a decision, the blonde-haired form of Alison DiLaurentis had stepped between her and the McCullers.

“Alison,” she said, her voice clipped. She didn't know what it was about the girl but she had never trusted her. She always seemed to be working an angle.

“Mrs Fields,” Alison said, her voice soft. “Hello Mr Fields, it's good to see you back in Rosewood.”

“Thank you. I always try to make Emily's meets. This was a close one but I got here just in time.”

“I'm so glad you're both here. I really didn't want you to find out like this but I wanted to tell you when you were together.”

Pam and Wayne exchanged glances, Wayne shrugging to show he had no idea what was coming.

“Tell us what,” Pam said, coolly, certain she wasn't going to like what was about to come out of Alison's mouth.

“It's...it's about Emily. I really didn't want to have to do this but I'm worried about her. She's not been herself and you deserve to know what's going on,” Alison said, her tone of mock sympathy well executed.

Pam stiffened and Wayne put a protective arm around her. “I suggest you get to the point,” she said.

Ali plastered on the most concerned frown she could muster. “Emily...she kissed me. A few weeks ago. I pushed her away but she keeps finding ways to be alone with me,” she swallowed as if trying to control her emotions. _Nice touch, Ali._

“And...and she thinks she's gay. I'm sure she's just confused. She needs help.”

Pam moved closer to Wayne while he gripped a little tighter to her shoulder.

“You're wrong,” Pam said.

“I promise, Mrs Fields, I'm telling the truth, if you'd hear me out- ”

“No,” said Wayne, bringing all his military presence to the single syllable. “You are wrong, Alison. Emily is not confused. And she doesn't need our help. She has been brave enough to tell us she's gay and she has our love and understanding.

“I suggest you stay away from our daughter. She doesn't need the kind of friend you pretend to be.”

Alison stared at them, unsure what to do next. All the scheming, all the manoeuvring, all the work she'd put in. Was it really going to fall apart like this?

She smoothed a hand down her dress and adjusted the bag hanging off her arm. “I'm glad you're being understanding. I'm sure Emily will need it in the future,” she said, before quickly turning on her heels and clicking her way down the hall.

Pam watched her go with disbelief before her eyes were drawn to Nick McCullers standing across the corridor, his eyes boring into her, his fists balled at his sides. What she saw in his face made her blood run cold.

 


	25. Chapter 25

The locker room at Rosewood High School had seen its fair share of celebrations but the excitement it witnessed at the end of the swim meet would rival any of them.

The girls were buzzing from the morning's competition. All the talk was of the record the relay team had beaten and the very real possibility they could bring home a state championship.

And, of course, there was a lot of discussion about the performances of Paige and Emily. The few freshman and sophomores on the team were watching them with awe, wondering if they could ever match the heights they'd just seen reached.

The only people who weren't discussing their victory were the swimmers who had been most instrumental in achieving it.

Paige and Emily were sitting astride the bench that ran alongside the lockers, facing each other. Their swim caps and goggles were discarded in a pile between them. Their eyes were locked on each other, lost in the moment.

Emily felt her face was going to break in two from the smile that was plastered there. She had never been more proud of someone than she was of Paige. Her swimming had been astonishing. There was no other word for it. She was unbeatable. And knowing that she had accomplished it when she had so much on her mind made it even more remarkable.

Looking back at her, Paige had a near-identical smile, one that danced in her eyes and sang in her soul. She'd never felt so happy with a performance. She was proud of her time, sure, but it wasn't that which was making her so happy.

It was the feeling of joy she had experienced as she swam. It had been missing for so long. She couldn't even remember the last time she'd enjoyed swimming in a meet. It was thrilling. Looking across at her girlfriend, she knew the reason why. She could have swam her hardest but finished dead last and still have felt the same. Happy. Loved. Alive.

She reached out to fiddle with the straps of her goggles, taking the opportunity to gently graze her fingertips across Emily's hand, which was resting on the bench in front of her. She watched in amazement as Emily's breath hitched, looking down at her hand and wondering just how she was able to make that happen.

Paige felt like she was in one of those movies where everyone else was whizzing around them at hyper speed while they sat in the middle, cocooned. Still. At peace.

Eventually the moment was broken when one of the other seniors came over to them. “Hey the team are heading out for pizza to celebrate. You guys are coming right?”

Paige's face dropped and Emily stepped in. “We'll definitely try but I think our parents are waiting for us and I'm hoping my dad is there. I haven't seen him in months.”

Their teammate nodded in understanding and headed back to the others after giving them the details of where they'd be if they could make it.

“Hey,” she said, gently. “We don't have to go, it's ok.”

Paige suddenly looked weary. As if coming down from her euphoria high had left her crashing badly. “I don't think my dad will let me. I can ask but- ”

“I understand. Do you...do you want to talk about what happened?”

Paige swallowed. She knew she had to explain things but she was well aware Emily would be angry at her father. Still, keeping it from her would prove harder now the meet was over and she didn't have the excuse of focusing on her swimming.

“He was really angry I stayed out without permission. And that they didn't know where I was.”

“But they leave you in the house all the time. They've never thought you would have a sleepover somewhere?”

Paige let out a bitter laugh. “They never thought that because I never had a friend to stay with before and they knew it.”

Emily's eyes looked away for a moment, the guilt catching up with her again.

Paige gently touched her cheek to bring her back to the moment. “Hey, I'm sorry. That wasn't meant to make you feel bad or pity me or anything. It's just an explanation.”

Emily smiled. “I know. But I can't help that it makes me sad.”

Paige nodded.

“So what now? They're not going to stop you coming over right?”

It was Paige's turn to look away now.

“Paige?”

She turned back and Emily saw the pain in her eyes, a coldness stretching out across her skin.

“He told me...he said you were just pretending to be my friend. That you wanted to soften me up so I wouldn't be so good in the pool.”

Suddenly Emily didn't feel cold anymore. She felt the prickling heat of anger coursing through her, her hands balling at her sides.

“But you told him that's not true? Right?”

“Of course I did, Em, but he didn't believe it.”

“Well then I'll just have to make him believe it,” she said as she stood and started to shove her belongings into her gym bag and pull her hair back into the most no-nonsense ponytail Paige had ever seen.

She swallowed. _Jeez I hope I never do anything to make her this indignant._

Emily swung around and plastered on her most perky impress-a-parent smile. “Okay! Operation Charm McCullers is go!”

Paige smiled in spite of herself and shook her head, partly at Emily's utterly adorable show of determination and partly in disbelief that it was for her.

She grabbed her own bag and the pair headed for the door, optimism filling them with hope. But you know what they say about hope...

* * *

Pam was getting more and more agitated as they waited for Emily to appear from the locker room. She kept glancing the way of the McCullers and each time she was met by an icy glare from the pacing Nick.

She moved closer to Wayne, gesturing for him to lower his head. When he obliged, she whispered, “I think we have a problem.”

Wayne looked across to the other side of the corridor and raised a hand in Nick's direction, only to watch as he turned his back.

“What's up with him?”

“I think he heard Alison. When she was talking about...about Emmy.”

Wayne reverted to his ram-rod straight stance, chest puffed out as if inviting Nick McCullers to challenge him. “If he says one word to her, I'll...”

Pam gripped his arm tightly, willing him to relax. “Wayne please, remember he doesn't know. About Paige. We can't make things harder for her.”

Wayne softened slightly as he looked down at his wife. “I know but she's our daughter, Pam.”

Just then the door burst open and the pair watched as Emily and Paige came walking out. They began to head in the Fields' direction first, Emily running to be embraced by her family, Paige hanging back slightly to give them some space.

As they pulled apart Emily turned and gestured her over. “Dad, I want you to meet- ”

“PAIGE.”

All four turned their heads to see Nick McCullers on the other side of the corridor, red in the face and being almost held back, it seemed, by his wife.

“Let's go.”

Paige looked back at Emily, who was debating whether or not to continue with her plan. She saw the way Paige looked smaller, all of a sudden. Turned in on herself. It was all it took to her make up her mind.

She walked briskly over to Mr McCullers, her face bright and hopeful, and stuck out her hand.

“Hello Mr McCullers, it's so nice to meet you. I'm Emily Fields.”

Nick looked down at her hand as if it was diseased, before shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Paige, I said it's time to go. Now.”

Paige looked back at Pam and Wayne, bemused by what had happened and unsure what to do. She walked to Wayne, and held out her own hand. “It's nice to meet you, sir,” before making her way over to her parents.

“Dad, Emily and the others are going out for pizza. Y'know, to celebrate the win. And I was...I was hoping I could go?”

Wayne and Pam wondered where she'd got the courage to say it, but Paige knew. The reason was standing right next to her.

Again Elizabeth wrapped her hands around Nick's arm, tightening her grip. She knew he was close to exploding, right there in the school hallway.

“You will not be going anywhere with that girl,” he sneered, jabbing a finger in Emily's direction. “Ever. Now get moving.”

Wayne was by Emily's side in a second. “I don't know who you think you are, but no-one speaks to my girl like that.”

Nick rounded on him then, his eyes flashing with hatred. “You want to know who I am? I'm a god-fearing citizen of this community. Who are you? Condoning this...this sin.”

Emily stepped backwards, stunned by the words coming from Paige's father. _How could he know?_

Wayne stood toe to toe with Nick, raising himself to his full height to look down on him. He spoke quietly but with all the authority of his years in the army. “If you ever speak to my daughter that way again, you will live to regret it.”

But Nick refused to back down. “You just keep her away from my daughter and I won't have to,” before grabbing Paige by the arm and dragging her away.

There were tears in her eyes as she looked back at Emily who was calling her name, her parents on either side, holding her tightly.

* * *

Rosewood sped by outside the window of the McCullers' car as it made its hurried way back to the family home.

Autumn's warmth was evident in the shades of brown and gold, orange and yellow, of the trees that lined the roads, a stunning contrast to the bright blue of the sky which still held heat despite the year approaching its end.

But Paige only saw grey. The stone of the buildings. The sidewalk. The road. Despair, cold and colourless, had crept inside her and curled up into a ball. It had set up home in her chest and had no plans to move.

The weight of it pushed her down into her seat, small and alone. She had never felt more like a child. She was 17, so close to adulthood. And yet here she sat. Told she couldn't go out with her friends. Even told who could – or rather couldn't – be her friend.

She wanted to be angry. Indignant. To fight back. But as she looked at the tension evident in her father's shoulders, the way he gripped the wheel til his knuckles went white, she felt only defeat. And fear.

All too soon they arrived home and Nick was out of the car before it had barely stopped, slamming the door behind him and storming into the house. Paige's mom sighed in the front seat. Paige stared at the back of her head, pleading with her to say something, anything, to show she understood. That she would stand up for her.

Elizabeth stared steadfastly forward before reaching for the car door, stalling at the last minute. “Why must you push your father, Paige? Why can't you just do what he says?”

She got out of the car too, looking back only to urge Paige to do the same, which she did, her limbs leaden and weary. Again she found herself dreading walking into her own home, scared of what would greet her.

Stepping inside she shut the door quietly, hoping against hope that her father would have retreated to the den to cool off.

Instead he rounded on her no sooner than she had made it to the bottom step.

“Did you know?” he spat out.

Paige turned around, having learnt from her error earlier in the day.

“Know what?”

“Know about that Fields girl. About what she is?”

“I don't understand, sir,” she said, desperately trying to stall, desperately praying he didn't mean what she feared he did.

“A homosexual, Paige. That's what she is. And her parents just standing there as if it's normal. I expected better from church people like them. I can't imagine they'll show their faces tomorrow.”

“Who...who told you that?”

Nick stopped the pacing he had been doing to look at Paige full in the face. He moved closer. At the edge of her vision, Paige could see her mother gripping the bannister tightly.

“What did you say?”

“I...I said...who told you that about Emily?”

“Well now Paige, that's an odd question to ask. You don't sound very shocked. So maybe this answers my original question but I'll ask it again. Did you know?”

Blood pounded in Paige's ears, her hands were clammy and her legs felt like they could give way at any moment.

She wanted to run. To hide under her bed like she had as a child. Away from her father and his jibes. His demands.

She'd always chosen flight. Every time. For 17 years she had been beaten down by this bully of a man and it had left her incapable of doing anything other than run away from all the bullies she'd encountered since.

Until today. Today Paige was choosing to fight. She raised her head, pushed back her shoulders and stood tall. She evicted the despair in her chest with a deep breath, shrugged off her fear and allowed the colour to flood her eyes again. Because for the first time in 17 years, she wasn't alone.

She looked at Nick with steel in her eyes. “Yes. I did.”

“Nick...”

“Be quiet, Elizabeth. This is between me and Paige.”

He stared at his daughter, a mixture of surprise and disgust in eyes.

“And how long have you known?”

Paige smiled then. She couldn't help it. The memory of the exact moment she knew was too wonderful, too precious. She almost didn't want to tell him, for fear it would be tainted. Almost.

“I knew from the moment she kissed me.”

The searing sting on her cheek was nothing compared to the pain in her neck as her head was whipped to the side by the flat of her father's palm.

“Nick!” Her mother was immediately by her side, but her father was a picture of rage now.

“I told you to stay out of this. And you,” he stabbed a finger into Paige's chest. “You are an abomination. Everything I've done for you. All the sacrifices. And this is how you repay me?”

Paige was holding her face gingerly, eyeing her father with shock, but she knew she couldn't back down now. Her own anger wouldn't let her.

“All the sacrifices you've made? What about me? Hours in the pool with you bawling me out about not being good enough. No time to make friends. No time just to be a kid.”

“If you want to win, you have to be prepared to work hard. You're a McCullers. That's what we do.” He shook his head and laughed angrily, “I'm ashamed you have that name.”

“Join the club, dad,” Paige said, defiantly, spitting out the last word like she was allergic to it.

Nick raised his hand again but this time Elizabeth shouted: “No! That's enough.”

He looked at his wife in the same way he had his daughter moments earlier, appalled by her insubordination.

“You're going to defend her? After what she just said?”

Elizabeth looked at Paige. There wasn't warmth there, far from it, but there was something. Maybe protection. Maybe self-preservation. Paige couldn't be sure.

“No I'm not. But she just said Emily kissed her. You're jumping to conclusions Nick.”

It was an out. Her mother had given her an out, and by the looks of the frown on her father's forehead, he was realising she could be right.

“He's not.”

Elizabeth sighed at the sound. Her eyes cast to the skies and pleading. _Lord, child, won't you let me help you for once._

Her father stared her down. Daring her to speak again.

“She kissed me and I kissed her back.”

Elizabeth spoke again. “But this is just a phase. She's the first person to show any interest in you. It can be confusing.”

“No. I'm not confused. This is the least confused I've ever been in my life. I love her.”

Nick seemed pale then, as if the red hot anger wasn't enough to sustain him any longer. Paige didn't know what to do. She'd dealt with her father's rage and survived. But this was different. Unpredictable.

When he spoke, his tone sent a chill through Paige's bones.

“Get out of my house.”

Elizabeth reached for her husband's hand but he smacked it away, causing her to yelp. Paige reached for her but her father pushed her aside.

“I said get out of my house.”

She looked at him then with pity. The fear was gone.

“With pleasure.”

And with that she swung open the door and walked through, leaving it wide open behind her. _Let him watch me go._

* * *

Pam and Wayne had never seen Emily so distraught. Only days earlier Pam had said the exact same thing to herself when her daughter had collapsed in her arms and eventually confessed she was gay. But this was at another level – and they had no idea how to help her.

Wayne did his best to try. “Emmy, you need to calm down. Paige will be ok.”

“You don't know that, daddy. You don't know what he's like. He looked so angry.”

“But he doesn't know about you two, he'll probably just tell her to stay away for a while.”

Emily began to sob again and Pam shot daggers at Wayne, who threw up his arms in exasperation.

Pam wrapped her arms around her daughter and pulled her in close, finally managing to get her to stand still.

“Emily, you know we will do everything we can to help. But we have to give Paige a chance to work this out with her parents. She's still only 17, they have a say in her life.”

“What about what she wants? She's finally happy, Mom. You have no idea what she's been through. I'm scared what she might do.”

Pam loosened her grip slightly so she could raise Emily's face towards her. “Emmy, what do you mean?”

Emily wavered, unsure what to reveal to her mother of secrets that weren't hers to share.

“She's just been through a really hard time. Like, tougher than you can imagine. And I'm scared she won't be able to come out of it again if he keeps her away.”

Pam nodded, though she was worried about the implications of Emily's words.

“I understand, baby. Maybe you could call her? Then we'll take it from there.”

“Yeah, yeah I will. She's just...she's not been answering my texts.”

Wayne stepped in then. “She's probably been talking it through with them, that's all.”

Emily nodded, wiping away her tears. Pulling out her phone from her back pocket, she hit dial on Paige's number just as there was a knock at the door.

She hung up immediately and raced to answer it. _Please be you._

Opening the door, she felt any attempt at words catch in her throat as she looked at Paige, bruised but defiant, standing on her porch.

Neither spoke as Emily wrapped her in her arms and held on tightly. Held on for dear life.

 


	26. Chapter 26

Pam and Wayne exchanged worried glances as they took in the sight of the girls clinging to one another, the door still wide open, forgotten in the rush for comfort.

Emily and Paige stood as if preserved in amber, grasping one another tightly. Unmoving. Eyes closed. Shutting out the world around them.

Eventually Pam walked towards them carefully, gently saying Emily's name to break the spell.

Paige hung her head low as she pulled back from Emily, her hair falling around her face, shame drenching her like ice cold water. Emily still gripped tight to her hands, almost too tightly, but the pain was a distraction from the dull throb of her face and the ache in her neck.

Pam put her hand on her shoulder, tentatively saying: “Paige, are you okay?”

Paige slowly lifted her face to look at Pam, the mark on her cheek the only answer she needed to give. The only one she could give. Pam covered her mouth with her hand, Wayne suddenly materialising next to her.

“Did your father do this to you?” he said, his voice even but coloured with anger.

Paige nodded, tears filling her eyes.

“I'm going over there. That man needs to be taught a lesson about picking on people his own size.”

“No, please Mr Fields. Please don't do that,” Paige said, finally finding her voice.

“He can't get away with this. It's unacceptable,” Wayne said, reaching for his jacket.

Paige looked back at Emily, pleading. “Em, please,” she said, her voice now barely louder than a whisper. “It's too much.”

Emily turned to her father, her hands still in Paige's. “Daddy, please don't go. At least not now. Not until we've figured out what to do.”

“Well Paige isn't going home today, that's for damn sure.”

Emily and Wayne both looked at Pam with surprise, her choice of words certainly unusual but somehow completely fitting for the moment.

Ignoring both of them, she pressed on. “Paige, you'll stay here tonight. We'll work things out in the morning.”

Then, in a softer voice: “Are you hungry, dear? Can we fix you something to eat?”

Paige looked at Emily for help, Pam's kindness overwhelming her. It was jarring, lurching from the terrible low of the confrontation with her father to this. A loving, concerned, protective family desperate to do something to help. She felt like she couldn't breathe.

Emily wrapped her arm round her shoulder and led her to the couch. “I think she just needs some quiet, Mom.”

Pam watched as Emily sat down next to Paige, who laid her head on her shoulder automatically, their fingers entwined. Emily gently rubbed her thumb over the back of Paige's hand as she softly kissed the top of her head.

Wayne was pacing in the hallway, his frustration evident. Pam took one last look at the girls before making her mind up. She turned to Wayne and said: “Put your jacket on.”

His head shot around and, with a little too much enthusiasm for his wife's liking, he said: “Are we going over there to kick some McCullers ass?”

Pam rolled her eyes. “No Wayne, we are not. And mind your language.”

“But you just said- ”

“Never mind what I said in the heat of the moment. We're not going over there, we told the girls we wouldn't. Paige doesn't need anything else to worry about.”

Wayne looked at her in confusion. “Well then where are going?”

“You're taking me out to dinner.”

He paused with one arm in his jacket and eyed his wife, puzzled. “Pam I'm not sure this is the right time to be- ”

“Wayne, don't argue with me. This is the exact right time to be going out. They need some space,” she said, looking at her daughter as she tried to comfort her girlfriend. She saw so much of herself in Emily in that moment. Remembering the times she had sat with Wayne in that exact same spot, soothing his fears over deployment or trying to console him over the loss of a comrade.

Wayne followed her line of sight and sighed. He was an army man through and through but his girls were always his soft spot and he could never bear to see them in pain. He wanted to scoop Emily up in his arms, but he knew she was the one who had to be the comforter.

He finished putting his coat on and nodded solemnly. Pam smiled. _I'm so grateful for this man. This strong, brave, good-hearted man._

“Come on, date night with your wife won't be that bad.”

He smiled back at her. “It never is. I'm just worried about Emmy. And Paige too.”

“I know. But Emily's stronger than you think and she's what Paige needs right now. They need each other.”

Wayne nodded, remembering the times he had returned home from a tour and just wanted to be close to Pam. Not even talking. Just being in her presence.

Pam called over: “Emmy, your dad and I are gonna go get something to eat. I think I might even let him buy me dessert, so we'll be gone awhile. Okay?”

Emily met her mother's eyes and understood. “Okay Mom,” her voice, she hoped, conveying just how much she appreciated it.

As she heard the door click as her parents left, she gently stood and pulled Paige to her feet. Wordlessly she let go of one of her hands and with the other led her to the stairs.

They climbed the steps in silence, walking into Emily's room, Paige closing the door behind her.

Emily turned and wrapped her arms around her again, pulling her close, feeling her heart racing against her own chest.

She gently moved her hands in circles on Paige's back, willing her to feel safe. Calming her with her touch. As Paige's breathing began to even out, she lent backwards and removed her hands, stepping back slightly.

Paige's shoulders were slumped and rounded, as if she was turning in on herself, retreating inside a protective shell. Her hair hung once more around her face.

Slowly Emily raised her hand, tipping Paige's chin upwards so she could look into her eyes. Eyes that were brimming with tears and shame and fear. Gently she pushed Paige's hair behind her ears so her face was exposed to her.

With the softest of touches she turned her face to the left, letting her eyes wander over the angry red skin she saw. With the whispering touch of one thumb, she caressed the swelling, stroking her love across Paige's cheek. Leaning forward, she laid the barest of kisses on the smooth skin. She moved her hand to her ear, checking it for damage, fingertips grazing softly over her eyelid, across her nose, moving downwards to her neck, then gently turning her face to the right, all the while searching with her eyes and hands for the merest hint of injury.

She saw Paige wince as she moved, the stiffness and pain in her neck evident. Emily let her fingers gently apply pressure, slowly increasing as she saw Paige close her eyes and lean in to her touch.

As her right hand continued its work of repair, the left moved to caress the uninjured side of Paige's face.

Slowly, she captured Paige's lips with her own, tasting the salt of tears she must have shed earlier. It was a kiss of comfort and reassurance and Paige melted into it.

Quickly, Paige changed the pace, her hands gripping Emily's hips tightly and pulling her closer, her kisses more urgent, desperate.

When Emily pulled back again, gasping for breath, she saw hunger in Paige's eyes. It was almost desperate. _Please Em_. She couldn't be sure if Paige had said the words out loud for she heard them clearest of all in her heart.

Reaching forwards she took hold of the bottom of Paige's shirt and tugged it upwards and over her head. Throwing it to the side, she continued the journey she had started earlier, slowly running her fingers over Paige's shoulders, down her arms, turning her hands in her own. Tracing the lifeline on her palm, caressing the length of her fingers. A slow investigation, fed by fear but powered by love.

Reaching behind her, she unclasped Paige's bra and let it fall to the floor before grabbing her own top and pulling it off, along with her bra. She pulled Paige to her, their skin hot and alive as they pressed against each other, their kisses deep and urgent.

Emily's hand reached round to the front of Paige's jeans, popping the button and pressing inside, causing Paige's head to shoot back and her mouth to gasp for air. Emily, Paige's mouth ripped from her own, was desperate for more contact, her lips finding her neck instead, sucking the flesh and teasing it with her tongue.

Paige's hands dug into her back, holding on. Always holding on to Emily. Her knees were feeling weak and she didn't know how much longer she could stay upright.

As if sensing the effect she was having on Paige, Emily moved her hand and pulled down the zipper of Paige's jeans before yanking them towards the floor, letting her hands trail down her legs, once again seeking reassurance. Checking her thighs, knees, calves, ankles. Pulling off her sneakers. Gently lifting first one leg, then the other to ease them out of her jeans. She ran her fingers over Paige's toes like piano keys.

Paige stood, allowing herself to be assessed. She was being loved, revered, made whole again. Knowing it was as much for her love as it was for her.

Emily was kneeling before her kissing her feet, an act of worship Paige found as astonishing as she did calming. Slowly Emily began kissing her way up her legs, over her knees, climbing up her thighs.

She turned her head towards Paige, who had wound her fingers tightly in her hair, and the look set her heart beating faster than ever. Desire, pure and adulterated, darkened Emily's eyes, her mouth slightly open, her breath hot on Paige's skin.

Never breaking her gaze, Emily slipped her hands into Paige's last remaining item of clothing and slowly dragged it down her legs. Trailing her hands upwards again along the backs of her thighs, she caused Paige to tremble, her fingers tightening in her hair.

She stood, her hands on Page's hips, pulling her towards her, their mouths once again locked together, tongues meeting to set tiny fires blazing across every inch of their bodies.

Paige reached for Emily's jeans, roughly pulling them down, Emily kicking them off and pulling Paige with her towards the bed, the two of them tumbling backwards onto it.

Emily hovered above Paige, her desire suddenly stalled as she looked again at the bruise on her girlfriend's cheek. She could feel the tears prickling her eyes, the anger bubbling inside her. Fear of hurting her started to take over but as if sensing her hesitation, Paige lent upwards and pressed her lips forcefully against Emily's.

Pulling her down on to her, she moved her leg between Emily's thighs, a moan escaping from one girl's mouth to the next, though neither could have said who was responsible.

Paige's hands once again clung to Emily, urging her closer, caressing her back, her shoulders, her ass. Pushing her down on to her thigh, feeling how slickly she moved against her.

Paige felt Emily's mouth close around her nipple, felt her hand moving down her side and towards her thighs. Felt her own hands forcing her ever nearer. Her breathing was erratic and out of control. She screwed her eyes tight shut and tried to ground herself but she felt like she was on the edges of a whirlpool, being tossed around with no escape.

Emily raised her head, eyes heavy-lidded with want but still sensing Paige's agitation.

“Em, please don't stop. I need you.”

And Emily understood.

She laid her forehead on Paige's as she reached down and entered her quickly, watching as the air left her body for a moment before she took a deep shuddering breath, all the while her eyes focused on Emily's.

There was no teasing. Not tonight. Emily moved her fingers in long, forceful strokes only faltering for a moment when Paige reached down and slid her hand between herself and Emily, her own fingers searching for the satisfaction of being inside her lover.

Eyes locked on one another they rocked, hands and hips thrusting in unison. An act of communion, desperate and longed for and as vital as oxygen.

Paige reached further and further inside Emily, at the same time as wrapping her leg around her body and pushing her deeper into herself. There was no space between them but still she drew her closer, as if she could live within Emily herself, not knowing where she ended and Emily began.

She felt Emily contracting around her hand as her own orgasm began building. Curling her fingers she pushed Emily to the edge, following her there as her actions were mirrored within her own body.

Heads pressed together. Sweat beading. Faces flushed. Tumbling over the precipice and into the centre of the whirlpool, blood pumping in their ears, moans torn from their lips and falling onto those of their lover. They were not broken. They were not beaten. They were Emily and Paige. Paige and Emily.

* * *

The steady thump of Paige's heartbeat was like the sweetest music to Emily's ears as she lay with her head on Paige's chest, her head turned towards her. Paige was running her fingers through her long dark hair, marvelling at its softness.

She smiled up at her, warm brown eyes fixed on her intently. “Em, I- ”

Paige faltered as she tried to put into words what she was feeling. The importance of what they'd shared.

“I know. It's okay,” Emily said, reaching out to pull her into a kiss, soft and sweet.

Paige put her head back against the pillow and sighed, a smile lingering on her lips. Opening her eyes, she turned serious again. “When I came here tonight, I felt so broken. Worthless. But you...you put me back together. I needed to feel strong again, like I wouldn't shatter if you touched me.”

Emily smiled, nodding gently against her chest. “I needed to know that too. That I could love you, be with you. You're so strong, Paige. You've been through so much and you're still here.”

Paige looked away. “It didn't feel possible sometimes.” Her hand went to the scars on her thigh, her fingers absentmindedly tracing them rhythmically. “Until you,” she said, looking back at Emily.

Emily sat up then, indignant. “No, I don't believe that. You had the strength all along. Look at how you came over to me in the cafeteria. How you put my needs over your own when Ali threatened you. And...and how you handled us. Coming back to me after I told you about Ali.”

Paige smiled, blushing. “I could never stay away.”

Emily grinned back, before reaching out and slowly stroking the swollen side of her face. “So do you want to tell me about this now?”

Paige swallowed. “Yeah. Yeah I think I do.”

Emily settled back on the pillow beside Paige so they could swap positions, her hand draped across Paige as she lay with her head on her shoulder and began her story.

She told Emily about the argument with her father, her mother's inability to make a difference, the defiance she had shown and the admission that she and Emily had kissed that had earned her a slap.

Emily's hand tightened its grip around Paige's waist pulling her closer. “You must have been so scared.”

Paige's brow furrowed. “I don't know. I don't think so. Shocked, yeah. But mostly pissed. I was so angry about the way he talked about you, I guess I just didn't care anymore. I knew if I kept quiet and toed the line, he'd never let me see you. I didn't have a choice.”

Emily kissed the top of her head. “I hate that he hurt you. It scares me to think of what else he might have done.”

“My mom stepped in and stopped him when he tried again.”

“Really? Well that's good right?”

Paige shrugged. “I don't know. She probably had something to gain from stopping him, it can't have all been about me.”

Emily stroked her hand in circles on Paige's back as she considered her next question carefully.

“So what now? What do you want to do?”

It was Paige's turn to sit up now. “Honestly Em, I have no idea. I can't go back there, I know that.”

“I don't want you to. I don't think I could bear the thought of you in that house.”

“But we have senior year to get through. What am I supposed to do? It's not like I can just leave and get a job.”

Emily could see her stress levels beginning to rise again, so she reached out and took her hand. “Hey, it's ok. We're gonna work this out. We'll talk to my mom and dad and things will be ok. I promise.”

Paige smiled. “I feel it. At least, I do when I'm with you. Like, how could things possibly not work out when I have you?”

Emily grinned. “I feel the same,” she said, leaning forwards and kissing her. “Mmm, as wonderful as this is, we really should get up. There's only so long my mom and dad can spend at the Apple Rose Grille.”

Paige bolted off the bed. “Crap, I totally forgot. Do you think they're on their way back? Did you see where my bra went? Oh my god your dad will kill me. Where the hell is my bra?”

Emily couldn't help but laugh as she watched Paige frantically searching under the bed for her various items of clothing, earning a glare from her girlfriend as her head popped up to see what the noise was.

“It's not funny, Em. He's in the Army. He has access to firearms.”

“Oh my god, would you calm down? I'm pretty sure my mom suggested dinner on purpose.”

Paige stopped her search and propped herself up on her elbows at the foot of the bed.

“What do you mean?”

“Just a hunch. My folks aren't really the impromptu date night kind.”

“Wait...do you think they know we...y'know.”

Emily laughed again. “Oh my god, you're such a dork. Yes Paige, they probably know we had sex.”

Paige blushed and wiggled her eyebrows. “Yeah we did.”

Emily threw a pillow in her direction, realising at the last minute what she'd done. She rushed to the bottom of the bed and pulled Paige towards her. “Paige, I am so sorry. Did I hurt you?”

But Paige just smiled and brushed the hair behind Emily's ears, her hands coming to rest on her cheeks. “I'm fixed remember? You put me back together. And you could never hurt me.”

Emily's eyes filled with tears, tears that had been threatening to fall since she'd opened the door and found Paige standing on her porch.

Her voice was a whisper as she said: “I was so scared when I saw you. The thought that someone could hurt you, that I could lose you...”

The tears fell then, tumbling down her cheeks and onto Paige's hands.

“Shh, Em, it's ok. You're not going to lose me. He's not going to win.”

Emily nodded, wrapping her arms around Paige tightly. “I love you, Paige.”

“I love you too. Now for the love of god help me find my bra before your folks get home.”

* * *

Wayne followed his wife into the house and shut the door a little harder than normal, as Pam announced loudly: “Girls, we're home. We brought you some pizza.”

“Oh wow, thanks Mom,” said Emily, watching in amusement as her mom screeched in surprise and nearly dropped the food.

She turned around to see her daughter and her girlfriend sat at the kitchen island, two mugs of coffee in front of them on the counter. They looked the picture of innocence. A little too innocent she thought wryly, glancing at Wayne only to have to stifle a giggle at his apparent relief at finding the girls waiting for them. _He's so naïve. Doesn't he remember being a teenager?_

She placed the pizza box in front of the girls. “I hope you like pepperoni, Paige. We figured it was the safest guess.”

“Oh yeah, thanks Mr and Mrs Fields. I love it.”

“Paige...”

“Oh, I'm sorry. Pam,” Paige said with a shy smile.

“Did you guys have fun?” said Emily, loading up a plate with several slices.

“It was lovely, thank you. But not as much of a treat as seeing you two girls smiling.”

Emily looked at Paige who, predictably, had gone bright red.

“Thanks Mom.”

Paige cleared her throat and said: “Pam, Mr Fields, I wanted to say thank you. I know it must have been awful to hear the things my father said about Emily. You could have turned me away tonight but you didn't. I can't tell you how grateful I am for that. I don't know what I would have done if I couldn't have seen Emily.”

Wayne nodded. “We would never stop Emily seeing you. But we do need to work out what happens next.”

Paige straightened in her chair. “Yes sir.”

Pam dug her husband in his ribs and shot him a glare, earning her a questioning shrug in return.

“There'll be plenty of time for that in the morning. Try not to worry, we'll talk it through together. Just know we're on your side, Paige.”

She glared at Wayne again. “Yes, of course. We're on your side. Team Paige,” he said, doing a little fistpump.

Emily rolled her eyes, smiling. Paige dipped her head and grinned.

Pam shoved him from the kitchen, saying: “Okay we're calling it a night. Don't stay up too late, girls.”

She kissed Emily before wrapping Paige up in a hug. “It's going to be okay.”

Paige blinked back the tears as she said goodnight and watched the Fields climb the stairs before turning her gaze back to her girlfriend.

She was about to ask herself how she could feel so happy when she'd just been kicked out of her own home but the answer was sitting right next to her.

 


	27. Chapter 27

There's a certain stillness that comes with the early morning. The kind you can almost touch. The birds have started their dawn chorus but the rest of the world is still at slumber. Neighbourhoods look deserted. Cars lie idle on driveways. The only movement is that of the wind through trees, the swish of the leaves accompanying its travels like a whispering soundtrack.

Emily looked out across the street below, her breath fogging up the glass pane before her as she sat on the windowseat. The tree in the front yard was ablaze with autumnal colour. Soon the leaves would fall and winter would arrive, but for the moment, Emily revelled in its beauty and warmth.

Turning back to face the room, she looked at the figure lying in her bed. The covers lay draped across Paige's waist. She was wearing one of Emily's tank tops, bright white, exposing her sun-kissed arms, strong and soft.

Emily's eyes moved to her face. The bruise on her cheek was more purple now than red, and looked angrier than it had the day before. And yet...she slept soundly, her forehead free of any frown, her breathing deep and even. Emily wondered how she could be so calm. She herself had tossed and turned for most of the night. When she had slept, it had been light and her waking had been like a jolt as she felt a momentary panic before her fingers reached out and found the soft warmth of Paige's skin. She had lain awake for a while then, each time, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest. Carefully brushing the hair away from her face. Wrapping her arm around her in protection and burying her head in her hair. The solace more for herself than for Paige.

Eventually she had slipped quietly from the bed, grabbing a blanket from the closet before settling on the windowseat like a lookout.

The sun had yet to warm the room and Emily shivered a little. The neighbourhood would be waking up soon. Real life would intrude on their cocoon. The thought made her shiver again, the coldness travelling up her spine far more unpleasant than anything caused by the actual temperature.

She padded back to the bed, dropping the blanket to the floor as she settled in beside Paige, who stirred slightly at the movement.

“Shh, it's ok. Go back to sleep.”

Emily gently traced Paige's jaw with her thumb before placing a soft kiss on her lips. _Why can't it always be this simple? The two of us. Together._

Emily felt...cheated. Life had given her Paige and now life was threatening to rip them apart again before they'd even had chance to enjoy just...being.

She sighed and the sound was enough to cause Paige to waken a little more, her eyes blinking like a deer's as she adjusted to the light. The smile that spread across her face as she focused on the girl beside her made Emily's heart jump in her chest. She returned it with her own grin, leaning forward and placing a kiss on the end of Paige's nose.

“Good morning,” she said, the smile as evident in her voice as it was on her face.

“Yeah. It really is,” said Paige, stretching her arms upwards and arching like a cat lounging in the sun. “What time is it?”

“A little after six,” Emily said, reaching out to pull Paige closer to her. Her fingers settled tentatively on Paige's cheek. “How does this feel today?”

Paige frowned a little, before saying: “It's not too bad. I guess it looks worse, right?”

Emily nodded sadly, before placing featherlight kisses across the expanse of the bruise on Paige's face.

Paige smiled, staring into Emily's eyes as she pulled back a little. “You couldn't sleep?” she said, noticing the dark circles she found there.

Emily shook her head, frown lines forming on her forehead. “I was worried about you, I guess I wanted to be ready. In case you needed me.”

Paige leant forward and captured her lips with her own. “Well then I guess that's why I slept so good. You made me feel safe.”

Emily smiled again, pulling Paige to her so she was lying with her head on her chest, arms wrapped around her tightly. “I promise to always do that.”

Paige snuggled into her side, running her fingers up and down Emily's arms. Protective and strong but soft at the same time. She was pretty sure she should be scared. Nervous. Unsure of what was going to happen next.

Instead she felt utterly calm. Totally at peace with her place in the world at that moment. There would be obstacles to overcome of that there was no doubt. But she didn't expect for one second that they wouldn't be able to deal with them. The only thing giving her pause for thought was just how amazing it felt to be so content. Just a few short days ago she would have considered herself insane for even dreaming about kissing Emily, let alone being in this position. And not just in Emily's bed, in her arms – though that was astonishing enough. No, it was this feeling. The utter rightness of it. The belief that it would all work out. Because how could this be wrong? How could it ever end? It was an impossibility. She'd never felt more sure of anything.

She squeezed Emily tightly, before pushing herself up onto her hands so she was hovering over her. Emily cocked her head to the side in question, her face open in anticipation. Paige smiled and kissed her then, a kiss she hoped would convey all she was feeling. All the hope and certainty, the safety and desire.

“I love you, Em.”

Emily smiled, warmth spreading across her body, her pulse quickening at the words. “I love you too.”

Paige moved to the side and opened her arms, urging Emily to mirror the position she herself had just been in. “Come on, you need to get some more sleep. Let me help.”

Emily settled herself on Paige's chest and was enveloped by her strong arms. The sense of peace was immediate and, as Paige gently stroked her hair, she finally drifted into the deep sleep that had eluded her all night.

* * *

Pam finished pouring coffee into mugs and replaced the jug. Adding sugar to Wayne's drink, she began stirring absentmindedly.

“If you keep at that you're gonna wear a hole in the cup,” Wayne said behind her from his seat at the kitchen island.

“Hmm?” Pam said, turning towards him with a quizzical look.

He smiled affectionately and said: “My coffee? I'd kind of like it before it goes cold.”

Pam turned back to the mugs with surprise. “I didn't even realise I'd poured them. Here honey, I'm sorry,” she said, placing a mug in front of Wayne and taking a seat beside him, her hands wrapped around her own drink.

“You didn't get much sleep either, huh?” Wayne said, reaching his arm around his wife to gently squeeze her shoulder.

“Not really,” she said, her eyes dark from lack of rest.

She took a sip of her coffee, hoping the caffeine would kickstart her into action. The concern on her face was plain though and Wayne turned slightly on his stool to face her, his action a silent request for her to talk.

She looked across at him, then quickly away again with a sigh.

“Come on, Pam. Spill.”

She took another drink, as if it was Dutch courage she was tasting and not coffee. “I know we told the girls not to worry. But that's what parents do right? Say 'everything's going to be okay. We'll work it out'.”

Wayne nodded, sipping his own drink as he listened to his wife.

“Well, what if we can't? What if Paige has to go back to that...I don't even know what to call him.”

“We won't let that happen.”

Pam was agitated and her voice betrayed her. “But what if we have no choice? We're not her parents, Wayne. And we can hardly say she can live here with us when she and Emily are...dating.”

It was Wayne's turn to look worried now, the gravity of the situation seemingly starting to sink in. He was a simple man but that's not to say he wasn't clever. He wouldn't have risen through the ranks of the army as he had done without intelligence.

But he was a man of action. A man with a plan. Whether on base or in the field, Lieutenant Colonel Wayne Fields solved problems and he solved them quickly. But this. This was a whole other ball game. One played by lawyers and government departments and all manner of people he had no time for.

“Well there's no way she's going back to her father. If he even wants her to. He hit her, Pam. That has to count as a black mark against him.”

Pam nodded. “It does but only if we involve child welfare. And that would mean...”

Wayne swallowed. “Paige going into the system.” He ran his hand through his hair in exasperation. He could hardly say he'd gotten to know Paige, given he'd only met her the day before. But he knew his daughter. And he'd never seen Emily so sure of something – someone – before. His daughter was different to the girl he'd left behind the last time he went back to base. There was a glow about her. She gave the same look to Paige that he'd seen on Pam's face so many times before over the years they'd been together.

Taking a long drink of his coffee, he seemed to come to some sort of resolution.

“Pam, if it's a choice of sending Paige to child services or having her and Emily live under the same roof, well hell, there is no choice.”

Pam smiled softly, nodding. “I agree. But she's 17, Wayne. She'd have to have her parents' permission. And even if they don't want her back, do you really think they'd agree to her living here?”

Wayne slammed his mug down, the liquid spilling over the top as if caught in a storm.

“Goddamit. You really think he'd rather hand his child over to social services?”

Pam smoothed her hand down his arm, hoping to calm him. “Unfortunately yes. I do. You saw the way he spoke about Emmy.”

The muscles in Wayne's jaw contracted as anger flowed through him. “Don't remind me,” he said through gritted teeth.

“We need to speak to Paige, find out exactly what went on. Maybe her mother- ”

“I can't count on my mother.”

Pam and Wayne both turned around to see Paige and Emily walking across from the stairs, looking surprisingly rested given the drama of the previous day.

Pam stood and opened her arms, enfolding Emily in a hug. Wayne cleared his throat and smiled at Paige, reaching out and gripping her shoulder, giving it a light shake. “Coffee?”

“Yes please, sir. That would be great.”

Pam let Emily go and turned her attention to Paige, giving her a bone-crushing hug before pulling back slightly and examining her face. “How are you, dear? Does it hurt?”

Paige smiled. “It's ok. A bit sore.”

“Do you need an ice pack? Some Tylenol maybe?”

“Just coffee,” she said, Pam's fussing making her blush a little.

'Well, you'll need to eat too. Now everyone's here I can get started on breakfast. Pancakes and bacon suit everyone? Paige?”

“That sounds wonderful but really you don't need to go to any trouble on my account.”

Emily sat down opposite her father and gestured for Paige to join her. “This is normal Sunday morning Fields stuff. Coffee and cooking. Especially when Dad's around.”

Paige nodded. This familiar and commonplace setting – a familial gathering for a breakfast on a lazy Sunday morning – was completely alien to her. And yet it felt so normal. So right. As if she'd finally ended up in the place she had meant to be all along.

Settling into her chair, she looked at Emily and her father laughing at some joke he'd made. She'd never had that with her dad. Never experienced this kind of moment. Easy and comfortable. It filled her with warmth and hope but Paige had been burned before. _I can't enjoy this too much. It's not going to last. Being with Emily, it's enough. Even if we have to be apart for a while. I can't expect to have more than that when she's already beyond my wildest dreams. Don't get greedy, Paige._

“Wayne, enough with the bad jokes – you promised Paige some coffee.”

“Yes ma'am!” Wayne said, hopping off his stool and giving Pam his very best salute, earning him an exaggerated eye roll from his wife and a giggle from his daughter.

“Hey, don't forget mine,” Emily said. Wayne mock scowled, causing Emily to add: “Please Daddy.”

He planted a kiss on the top of her head and said: “How could I forget you, baby? Two coffees coming right up.”

Paige shook her head, laughing, Emily pouting in response. “What?”

“He's as whipped as I am,” she said, her smile affectionate.

“Oh no, I think you definitely win in that competition,” Emily said, her eyes sparkling as she hooked her arm around Paige's and leaned her head on her shoulder. “But I'm just as bad. You know I'd do anything for you too.”

Paige pressed a kiss gently onto Emily's forehead. “I know,” she whispered.

“Okay, here we go girls,” said Pam, placing a plate heaving with pancakes in the centre of the island, Wayne following closely behind with an equally mountainous amount of bacon

Paige licked her lips in anticipation. “Wow, this looks amazing. I didn't realise how hungry I was.”

“Well dig in, we don't stand on ceremony around here Paige. You need to get in quick before Wayne and Emily eat everything.”

“Hey!” they both said in indignant unison.

Paige laughed and started to load up her plate. Breakfast was filled with laughter and good food, embarrassing stories from Emily's childhood and, eventually, groans that accompany bellies full to bursting with pancakes.

“Oh, that was so good. Thank you, Pam. I can't remember the last time I ate pancakes that fluffy. Actually, ever.”

“Okay Paige, enough with the compliments. You're making the rest of us look bad,” Wayne said with a wink.

“Oh no, keep it up dear. These two have been taking me for granted for years,” Pam said, throwing a wink in return to Wayne.

“Well me and Em will do the dishes. You've done enough,” Paige said, pushing back her stool and starting to gather up the plates.

Pam rested her hand on Paige's to still her. “How about you do that in a little while. We should really talk about things.”

Paige swallowed and nodded. _All good things must come to an end._

Emily gripped her arm tightly as they trailed behind Mr and Mrs Fields into the lounge. Pam and Wayne took the two armchairs, Paige and Emily sat in the middle of the sofa that faced them.

They were holding hands, their fingers linked, Paige's knuckles turning white as she held on to Emily.

Wayne cleared his throat. “So Pam and I have been discussing a few things this morning but Paige, if you're up to it, we'd like to hear a little more about what happened yesterday.”

Paige nodded. “Yes sir.” It was barely a whisper, and she cleared her own throat, hoping to cover her nervousness.

Emily's thumb made slow circles on the back of her hand and she took a deep breath before continuing.

“My father was very angry. I guess you already know that. He wanted to know about Emily and I...I told him I knew she was gay when she kissed me. That's when he hit me.”

Wayne was gripping the sides of the chair. Pam sat with her hands clasped on her lap. She nodded, urging Paige to continue.

“He said he was ashamed I was a McCullers and I said I was too, and he was going to hit me again when my mom shouted at him to stop. She said maybe I was confused because Emily was the first person to show an interest in me but I said I wasn't. I said that I loved Emily. That's when he told me to get out of the house.”

“I see,” said Wayne, looking across at Pam for some direction.

“Paige, you said you couldn't count on your mother. But she stopped your dad from hurting you again. Don't you think that's a good thing?”

Paige frowned, considering the words carefully.

“I don't know. Maybe? I kind of just thought she was doing it to protect herself.”

“You and your mother, you're not very close?”

Paige stiffened, Emily tightening her grip on her hand immediately.

“No. We're not close at all.”

Pam looked troubled. It was hard to navigate the waters of a relationship she had no way of relating to. She couldn't be closer to Emily. There was a solid foundation there from the beginning but their reliance on each other when Wayne was away had only deepened their bond.

“Maybe if we could organise some kind of...get together? We could ask your mother over, see where she stands on all this. It was your father who forced you out of the house, not her.”

Paige was about to answer when Emily cut her off. “But she doesn't want to go back, Mom. We can't let her. He hit her.”

She looked from Pam to Wayne and back again, her face pleading. Her parents exchanged glances before Wayne spoke.

“It's not that simple, Emmy. It sounds like Nick may not relent and let her back anyway but that doesn't mean he's going to willingly let her live anywhere.”

Emily frowned. “What do you mean anywhere?”

Wayne cleared his throat again. “Your mother and I discussed it and while it's certainly not ideal given the...situation with you two, we agreed that Paige could stay here. But she's 17. Her parents would have to agree to it. And I think I know what her father's answer would be.”

Paige was sure she'd misheard. _Did Wayne really say I could live here? No, he can't have. That's crazy._

She looked at Emily, whose jaw was practically in her lap. Eventually she regained composure and said: “You'd really let Paige stay here?”

Pam said: “If Paige can't or won't go home, the only other alternative is child services. A foster home. And we will do everything we can not to let that happen. Oh Paige, honey, it's okay.”

Emily turned to see tears falling silently from Paige's face. She watched as she lifted her hand to her cheek and looked quizzically at the wetness on her fingertips, surprised to find she'd been crying.

She reached her own hand over and gently wiped the rest of the tears away before Paige spoke, her voice thick with emotion.

“I don't know what to say. The thought of going back there...” she shook her head and closed her eyes tightly for a few seconds, before carrying on.

“But I know what a big commitment it is and I'm really not sure I should say yes.”

Wayne smiled. “It wasn't a question,” he said with authority, stopping himself from adding 'it was an order, soldier!'

Seconds later he found the wind knocked out of him as Emily flew across the space between them and wrapped him in a bear hug. “Thank you, Daddy. Thank you so much.”

Kissing him on the cheek, she turned her attention to her mother, giving her similar treatment.

Paige still sat, unmoving. Completely in shock. Then she stood up. She wasn't sure why. Opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out.

Escaping Emily's arms, Pam walked to her and took her hands. “It's okay. We know.”

Paige felt tears prickling her eyes again, nodding almost imperceptibly in the hope it wouldn't make them fall.

“That doesn't mean there won't be ground rules for you two,” said Wayne, pointing to the pair. “A lot of them.”

Paige allowed herself a smile. “Yes sir. Absolutely.”

Pam seemed worried though and Paige turned back to her, her face open and questioning.

“We still need to get permission from a parent for this to happen, Paige. I think we can say your mother is the best bet.”

“I understand. Even if it doesn't work out, I'll still have Emily. That's all that matters.”

Pam smiled and gave her a tight hug. It wasn't long before she felt Emily's fingers tickling her side. “Hey come on, my turn.”

She laughed and let Emily take Paige in her arms, the tension leaving their bodies the second they touched each other.

Wayne stood and wrapped an arm around Pam's shoulders. “Guess it's on us now.”

Pam smiled, taking his hand and kissing it. “We just need to find a way to tap into Elizabeth's maternal instinct. It has to be there somewhere. And there's no time like the present.”

Wayne looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

Pam smiled, determination written all over her face. “Get your Sunday best on. We're going to church.”

 


	28. Chapter 28

Gleaming white and standing imperiously on the edge of the town square, Rosewood's church towered above the town.

Whether it looked down in judgment or in protection, well that depended on your point of view.

Pam was a regular. Her relationship with the Big Man had always been a good one. Her Christian living beyond reproach. Wayne, of course, didn't get to take his seat beside his wife in the pews as much as he'd like but his duty to God and country was never in doubt.

So it was an unfamiliar feeling for the pair to approach this place of worship with trepidation. That wasn't to say they were nervous about seeing the McCullers. Far from it – especially where Wayne was concerned. He was just itching to have a reason to show Nick exactly what he thought of him.

No, the anxiety was all about keeping that anger in check. Pam knew much of that responsibility would fall on her. And it was one she didn't take lightly. Paige's future hung in the balance and it had fallen on their shoulders to make sure the scales didn't tip the wrong way.

Walking up the church steps, she gripped a little tighter to Wayne's arm. He looked down at her and when he spoke his eyes were reassuring and his voice determined. “It's okay, baby. We can do this.”

Pam smiled and nodded. Taking a deep breath as they made their way inside, the strains of Will the Circle Be Unbroken greeted their ears from the organ.

It seemed like God had a sense of humour that day. The first person they laid eyes on was one Nick McCullers. Of course it made sense that this Sunday would be his turn to be usher. They watched as he welcomed the couple in front of them with a handshake and a smile, passing them a church bulletin as they made their way into the body of the church.

As he turned round to see the Fields, the way his smile slid from his face as if melted off by the fiery depths of hell was almost comical.

Pam could feel Wayne bristle beneath her fingertips and this time the hand that gripped him tightly was one of warning rather than one seeking comfort.

“Nick,” Wayne said, his voice clipped.

The deacon's eyes were black, his face reddening with anger. He moved towards them like a snake assessing its prey, unflinching under their gaze.

Wayne brought himself to his full height and stared straight ahead as Mr McCullers leant to speak into his ear.

“I don't know how you have the guts to show your face here, but if I were you I'd leave. I wouldn't want to have to tell the pastor about what's going on at your house.”

Only then did Wayne turn slowly to meet his eyes, replying coolly: “That's funny because I would just love to tell him what goes on at yours.”

Nick paled then, clearly caught off guard.

Wayne smiled, the prey now the predator, and said heartily: “Thank you, Nick, yes. We'll take one of those bulletins.”

Nick flushed again, shoving the booklet into Wayne's hand and watching as they took their seats.

Also watching, from her position off at the side of the church, was Elizabeth McCullers. Fear, at her husband's obvious anger, left her heart racing. But that wasn't the only cause. There was also the prospect that she might find out how Paige was. Assuming, that is, that Paige had gone to the Fields' house. But her mother could think of nowhere else she would have run to. She'd wanted to call the authorities but Nick had forbidden her. When she'd suggested trying some of the numbers off the class callsheet, her husband had laughed viciously, telling her Paige had no friends, so what on earth was the point?

She knew he wasn't entirely correct. Apparently she had one. And she wasn't just a friend.

Elizabeth had the previous day's confrontation burned into her memory. But it wasn't her daughter being slapped or the anger on her husband's face that was the prevailing image. It was Paige's smile when she told of the kiss she had shared with Emily. It transformed her whole face, her whole body even. Her mother had never seen her smile like that before and it had filled her with a mixture of guilt and disgust. Not at Paige, but herself.

She'd always been a high flyer. Valedictorian at high school, top of her class at Yale. Vice president by the age of 30 at the finance company where she still worked. Ambition had pushed her onwards, forever looking for the next achievement, the next bonus, the next move to a bigger house in a swankier car.

Getting pregnant wasn't part of the plan. Starting a family had always been something for a far off future she'd wanted to postpone for as long as possible. While Nick wasn't exactly the doting daddy type, he'd at least been keen on the family name continuing. His legacy living on. Imagine his disappointment when the child was a girl.

And so it continued as Paige grew. Elizabeth was still forging ahead with her career and had little inclination to spend quality time with her daughter. Nick channeled his disappointment at his child's gender into finding something she was at least good at. Paige was naturally competitive so sports were the obvious outlet. While she was an excellent field hockey and soccer player, it was swimming where she truly shone.

Elizabeth remembered how the pair had spent hours in the pool when Paige was small, Nick teaching her to swim. At first she'd been surprised by the bond that seemed to form so quickly. Paige was a natural and she was soon making her way across the width of the pool unaided. Nick would lift her out of the water above his head as she giggled uncontrollably, shouting “that's my girl!”

But every time she hit a plateau with her progress, the anger would surface. Harsh words would rain down on Paige, her bottom lip trembling.

The kid was stubborn though. And she loved to swim. She wanted to be better. To be faster. So she kept trying. And every time she pushed through another hurdle, Nice Guy Nick would reappear. Except each time, he was a little less nice and he stuck around a little less too.

Until by the time Paige reached junior high, nothing was good enough. There were no pats on the back, no rewards, no words of encouragement. Just more demands, more restrictions, more rules.

And Elizabeth just watched. There was always a meeting to go to. A conference to attend. Paige had expensive clothes. The latest gadgets. Her own pool to train in. She justified her absence by convincing herself her daughter had everything she needed.

Most of the time she believed it. Most of the time.

Then she would be woken by the sound of Paige crying. Or see the tiniest smear of blood on the basin in her bathroom. Or catch a glimpse of something red and angry on her stomach as she walked into her room having forgotten to knock, Paige hastily pulling on her clothes, flustered and anxious.

And still she ignored it. Stomped down on her suspicions until she convinced herself she'd imagined them. What else could she do? Admitting what was going on meant confronting Nick. And if she did that...well she'd seen his temper in the past. Been on the end of it plenty. She couldn't be around to take the fallout if she wanted to keep her job and that meant leaving Paige at the mercy of her father.

That wasn't something she was prepared to do. The status quo had to be maintained. For Paige's sake. Or at least, that's how she justified choosing her career over her daughter. She perfected her icy indifference and let Nick retain his power. They just had to survive one more year.

And then Emily Fields happened. She put a smile on her daughter's face so bright that it shattered the whole façade. Brought the sham of their family crashing down around their ears. And yes, there had been guilt and disgust. Two very familiar emotions. But there was something else. Something so long forgotten it was hard to recognise. Elizabeth looked on her daughter and for a second – for that tiny fragment of time before Nick's hand connected with Paige's face – she felt joy.

After that it was all a blur. She'd tried to give Paige a way of backing out but she knew she wouldn't take it. She was in love. It was so obvious. She finally had everything she needed – everything her parents had never given her – and there was no going back.

As she watched her daughter walk out of the door, turn her back on her and leave the only home she'd ever known, she'd never felt prouder.

Now she looked across at the Fields with envy. It was evident how much they loved and supported each other. Even now, in what she guessed was an anxious time for them, they were smiling and attentive to one another. She was sure that if, as she suspected, Paige had gone to their house, they would have taken her in.

But she needed to know. Needed to hear her daughter was okay. Safe. However much she didn't deserve to know the answer.

* * *

“But I don't have anything to wear!”

“Paige we're practically the same size, I have a whole closet full of clothes you can choose from.”

“But we don't know what time your parents will be home, they'll be worried.”

“We can leave a note.”

“But what about homework? Don't you have homework? I'm pretty sure Fitz- ”

Paige's protestations were cut off by Emily's mouth and in an instant she felt the anxiety leaving her body. The sweetness of Emily's lips, the weakness in her knees, the flip-flip-flip of her stomach...Paige wondered how she'd ever lived before now, without this feeling. _I wasn't._

Her eyes remained closed as Emily released her lips and rested her forehead on hers. Blissfully happy and blissfully unaware of what she'd been so worried about just a few moments before.

Emily smiled as she took in the dopey look on her girlfriend's face. She was proud of being able to make her feel like that, ease her tension with a kiss. It had been a handful of days since their first kiss but any second, minute, hour without Paige felt like an eternity, as if they had always been together and absence was unbearable.

Paige sighed. “Wouldn't you rather stay here? Keep doing...this,” she said, eyes still closed, a wistful look on her face.

Emily couldn't deny it was certainly an appealing prospect, lying on her bed all day with Paige's lips available at a moment's notice, but she knew they couldn't hide out forever.

“Hey,” she said, lifting Paige's face to hers, the girl finally opening her eyes. “I love you. But I love my friends too. And I want you to get to know them. I'm pretty sure they're gonna love you too.”

Paige raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

Emily nodded enthusiastically. “Oh yeah. Not as much as I do but that's a good thing.”

Paige laughed, shaking her head. “You're adorable, Emily Fields. You know that, right?”

“Hell yeah! How else would I get champion swimmer Paige McCullers to date me?”

Paige rolled her eyes.

“I'm serious,” said Emily, her tone matching her words. “I'm so lucky that you gave me a chance.”

Paige blushed, struggling to comprehend what Emily was saying.

“And as much as I want to keep you all to myself, it's not fair. You've missed out on so much because of your dad and that stops now. It's time to get the full-on high school experience!”

Paige gulped. “I don't have to go to cheerleader tryouts do I?”

_Oh this is too good..._

“Well I hadn't thought about that but now you mention it, you would look pretty damn good in one of those outfits.”

“Em, no! I don't have a rhythmic bone in my body. Plus what if they put me at the top of the pyramid and I fell? I could break my ankle and then I wouldn't be able to swim.”

Emily was biting her lip, trying not to laugh. Paige was about to launch into yet more reasons why cheerleading was a very very bad idea indeed when she realised she was being played. _Okay, Fields, two can play at that game._

“Y'know, you'd make a much better cheerleader than me. You've got those legs that go on for days,” she said running her hand up Emily's leg that was draped over her own, marvelling at the way her breath hitched immediately. “Plus you said you loved to dance. I bet you've got some moves.” Her hand settled on Emily's hip. “I know you know how to move these,” she said, her voice husky and low, her breath hot on Emily's mouth.

Their eyes connected and seconds later so did their lips, the kiss passionate and urgent. Emily shifted on top of Paige, her knees either side of her hips, her hair tickling her bare shoulders as she lent over her, kissing her senseless. _Sweet Jesus, thank god I'm lying down._

Emily lifted her head and grinned down at her girlfriend, panting below her, already half lost to the passion of the moment. She began to rock her hips backwards and forwards, slowly, far too slowly from Paige's point of view. “So you like the way I move my hips, huh?”

It was all Paige could do to nod, her breathing rapid, her eyes heavy-lidded and dark with desire.

“What about when I do this?” Emily said as she leant down and began to nibble her way along the length of Paige's neck. The quickening pulse under her lips was the only answer she needed.

“And this?” she said, swiftly yanking up the tank top Paige was wearing and taking her nipple in her mouth. Paige stopped breathing altogether and Emily wondered if she might need to start CPR before a low moan escaped Paige's mouth, trembling through her chest and into Emily's lips.

She continued her attentions for a few moments before sitting back, surveying the result of her work so far. Paige's eyes were closed now, a small frown evident in the middle of her forehead and a pout starting on her face. Emily waited a few seconds, Paige opening her eyes, a pleading look on her face. Emily lifted her own top and threw it to the side, Paige's hands immediately reaching out for her skin, her fingers dancing up her sides lightly, soon finding her breasts which she took gently in her hands, her thumbs working their way towards Emily's nipples.

“Mmmm, I like it when you do that,” she said leaning back, her hair falling in waves behind her.

Paige somehow found the strength to sit up and take one of Emily's breasts in her mouth, swirling her tongue around it as it hardened. “And I _love_ it when you do that,” Emily managed to breathe out, wrapping her arms around Paige's shoulders and holding on tightly. She moved her hand up and wound it in to Paige's hair, gently tugging her backwards. Eventually Paige reluctantly relented, only to find Emily's lips pressed to hers. She gripped her tank top and, releasing her lips just long enough, pulled it over her head before pushing her back down onto the bed. “My turn,” she said, grinning wickedly.

She began kissing her way down the middle of Paige's chest, so slowly Paige felt like she might burn up from the inside out from the tension building low in her stomach. Emily's tongue swirled its way into her bellybutton and she lost all coherent thought, gripping the bed sheets to ground herself.

She felt Emily's hands slipping into the waistband of her shorts and before she knew it she was naked. When she felt Emily's weight pressed against her again, she realised she too had shed her remaining clothing.

She felt Emily's breath in her ear, whispering “I don't need to ask if you love it when I do this” as she reached down and began stroking through Paige's folds. Colours exploded as she pressed her eyes tighter shut, desperately trying to hold on to the moment.

Emily was kissing her again, her tongue working in time with her fingers, Paige's hips responding in the same synchronised pattern.

Emily was taking her time, moving slowly, alternating between featherlight touches and deliberate strokes. It was so different from their lovemaking of the previous night. That was desperate, urgent, fuelled by a need to prove they were unbreakable.

Now, their bodies spoke of hope, of the future. Of a love that could be lived languidly, savoured, enjoyed with all that they were and all that they would be.

Emily was trying to hold on as much as Paige, the temptation to reach inside her lover so powerful it was hard to resist. But she did, returning her mouth to Paige's breast, sucking her nipple into her mouth, biting on it gently and eliciting a low moan from below her.

She continued her path downwards again, going further this time, settling herself between Paige's legs, intoxicated by this moment. The anticipation, the way Paige looked down at her with pleading eyes. As she dipped her head low and let her tongue take its first taste she watched as Paige threw her head back, listened as a “fuck” was torn from her lips.

Her mouth continued the work her fingers had started so deftly, lavishing love on her girlfriend, pushing her closer and closer to the edge. It wasn't long before she could hold out no longer, reaching inside Paige and letting her fingers become a part of her.

Paige felt Emily everywhere, exploding through every cell, coursing through her veins, colouring every thought. Emily pushed deeper and deeper, curling her fingers and sending pleasure ripping through Paige's body as she finally succumbed and tumbled over the precipice.

Freefalling, she'd never felt so alive, so liberated, as Emily kept her suspended there for as long as she could. As her body went limp, Emily rested her head on her stomach, hot beneath her face. They lay for a while, lost in the moment, before Emily crawled back up to Paige and kissed her slowly, with purpose. “I love you, Paige. Forever.”

“I love you too. And you're right. I do like it when you do that. Like a lot. Really a lot.”

Emily laughed but it soon turned to a gasp as Paige flipped their positions. “What was it you said before? Oh yeah. My turn,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows.

* * *

“I told you they'd be late,” said Hanna, checking her watch.

“Yes, but we're not going to make a big deal about it. Are we Hanna?”

The blonde rolled her eyes dramatically. “No Spencer,” she said in a deliberately sing-song voice.

Aria narrowed her eyes in response, earning a huff from Hanna. “Han, come on. You know Paige is going to be nervous coming to meet us. She doesn't need you being too...you.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“It means you have no filter,” said Spencer matter-of-factly, sipping her espresso.

“I'm just honest, I think it's a good trait to have,” Hanna said, folding her arms.

Just then Emily burst into The Brew, pulling Paige behind her, both flushed and flustered, their hair wet.

“I'm so sorry we're late,” babbled Emily. “We didn't realise the time and had to shower before we came.”

Hanna opened her mouth to speak but was silenced by a swift kick to the ankle by Spencer.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“Slip of the foot,” shrugged Spencer. “It's no problem, you know the only thing that makes me happier than a coffee with friends is two coffees with friends.”

Emily smiled and slipped into a chair next to Aria, Paige beside her with Spencer to her right.

She glanced around the table nervously, smiling at each of the girls.

“So McHottie, nice watch you've got there. Is it running a little slow?”

“Hanna!” Aria warned her.

“Oh come on, we all know they've been getting it on all morning, look at them!”

“HANNA!”

Paige had gone scarlet and was sitting staring at Emily, opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish. Emily, in turn, was glaring at Hanna like she wanted to set her on fire.

“Hanna, you do remember us speaking about a filter just moments ago and how you should learn to use one?” said Spencer curtly.

“Oh my god, you were all talking about us?” Emily said, mortified.

“It's not like that, Em,” Aria said, reaching out and squeezing Emily's arm. “We were just hoping to keep this one in check but apparently it back-fired.”

“Hello,” Hanna waved. “Sitting right here.”

“As if we could forget,” said Spencer, dryly.

Hanna slumped back in her chair and pouted.

Paige looked from one to the other and eventually back to Emily, who was looking terrified at what she would do next.

“Erm, Em...is this the real high school experience you were talking about?”

A smile slowly crept onto Emily's lips and she nodded. “Yeah. Yeah I guess it is.”

Paige grinned back. “Well then I guess I like it.”

Hanna perked up. “Does this mean we get details?”

“No!” all four of the girls said in unison, before the laughter set in. It was a long time before it subsided.

It was still a little difficult for Paige to get used to being in their company, not because they weren't warm and welcoming, because they were. But the girls had known each other a long time and had their own shared experiences, their own shorthand.

What she loved, though, was how attuned to it Emily was. She knew when she had to explain something to Paige and when she didn't. She was attentive without being over-protective and didn't try and force her inclusion.

Paige found, as she suspected, that she had the most in common with Spencer. They talked about field hockey, discussing formidable opponents from other high schools and the intricacies of set plays.

“So do you miss it?”

Paige fiddled with her cup, considering the question. “I guess I tried not to think about it, but yeah. I do.”

“But you can't play because of swimming right?”

“Well, I couldn't play because my dad said it could affect swimming. I mean sure, I might get injured, there's always a chance, but I could get injured swimming too.”

Spencer nodded. “Maybe you'll be able to make that decision for yourself soon.”

Paige raised her head and smiled. “Yeah. Maybe.”

She could see what Emily saw in her friends. They were all very different but complemented each other so well. She wondered where she would fit in but the feeling wasn't accompanied by fear. More a sense of excitement at the future. It was something that had been so alien to her but now seemed to colour every waking moment.

Emily reached over and took her hand. “Okay?” she said expectantly.

“I am very much of the ok,” she smiled back, linking their fingers. “I think I'm going to like high school. Finally.”

* * *

The pair were excitedly chatting as they burst into the Fields house like little balls of energy, laughing about the morning's events, mainly revolving around the numerous inappropriate comments Hanna had made.

Emily was walking backwards, holding both of Paige's hands as she led her into the house. She stopped in her tracks as the smile fell suddenly from Paige's face as she stared at something over Emily's shoulder.

Worried, Emily turned around to see the object of her gaze and paled instantly.

“Hello Paige,” her mother said.

 


	29. Chapter 29

****For as long as Paige could remember, she'd learned never to rely on her mother. Whether it was showing up for her graduation from kindergarten or attending her swim meets, chances were Elizabeth wouldn't be there.

There was always a big conference to attend or an important presentation she had to give. Her priorities were well defined and unwavering – and they didn't include Paige.

As she grew older, it extended to home life too. Dinner would be a 20 dollar bill left on the table. Quality time would be spent alone with the TV and a bowl of popcorn.

And when Paige was being harassed and harangued by her father in the pool, her mother would simply walk away.

There had been times when she had wondered if her mother knew that she cut herself. Times when she would walk into her room unannounced and she'd scramble to cover her scars. Or when, on nights where it had become too much and she lay crying in bed, she'd hear the floorboards creaking outside her room then fall silent. She'd hold her breath, the hope that the door would open to reveal her mother battling with the fear of what would happen if it did.

She never found out, though. A few seconds of silence and then she would hear her mother walking back to her room. It would leave her simultaneously relieved and yet more empty.

Her feeling of worthlessness only increased with the turning of her mother's back.

Since the confrontation with her father, Paige had been going over and over in her mind what had happened. But she didn't focus on Nick, on how she could have handled it differently or whether or not he would ever change his mind. Because honestly, she just didn't care. He had been burning his bridges with his daughter long before he raised his hand to hit her.

No, what Paige was obsessing over was her mother's actions. She'd tried to help her – hadn't she? She'd tried to give her an escape route, silently urging her to deny her feelings for Emily. She'd stepped in when her father was about to hit her again.

And yet she'd let her walk away. Without a word. Shouldn't she have run after her? Tried to stop her? Paige couldn't help but feel like her mother had been protecting herself rather than her only child.

Now she was standing in the hallway of her girlfriend's home, staring at the woman who gave birth to her. The woman she had decided wasn't worth any more of her time spent analysing and second guessing.

She held tightly to Emily's hand, unsure of what to do. She was gripped by a paralysing fear, fear of being made to leave this house that in a day and a night had felt more like home than any other she'd known.

Her mother had stood up from her chair in the kitchen. Paige glanced at the coffee cup in front of her. _Black. One sugar._ There were cookies on a plate. They looked untouched. Pam and Wayne were sitting on the other side of the island. Wayne looked nervous. Pam was giving Paige a warm smile. One of encouragement. She looked back at her mother.

“Paige, Pam and Wayne very kindly asked me over for coffee. I was hoping we could talk.”

The muscles in her jaw tensed. She stepped a little closer to Emily, who instinctively gripped her arm with her free hand.

“I'm not going back there.” Her voice sounded stronger than she felt, terrified she wouldn't have a choice. Terrified of being ripped from Emily's arms.

Her mother shook her head slightly. “No. That's not why I'm here. I won't force you to come home, Paige.”

Emboldened, Paige stood a little straighter. “Then why are you here?”

“I told you, I just want to talk. Please.”

Paige caught Emily's eye and saw the same fear reflected back at her. Her need to protect her outweighed her own desire to turn her back on her mother. _Get it over and done with and she'll leave. Then you can move on._

She looked back at her mother and nodded.

Pam said: “Emily, why don't you come with me and your father? We have some tidying up to do in the den.”

Emily looked nervously at Paige, who gave her a smile that was genuine, no matter her underlying nerves. She placed a gentle kiss on her forehead, saying: “It's alright, Em. I'll be fine.”

Paige's mother looked away, unsure what to do.

“Just call me if you need me. Okay?”

“Okay,” Paige said before walking into the kitchen and climbing up on to a stool opposite her mother, watching as the Fields disappeared down the hall.

The fingers of her left hand fiddled with the ring on her right, turning it round and round, the cool metal slowly warming between her fingers as the seconds went by. The only sound was the ticking of the clock high on the wall and the sound of Paige's heart drumming in her ears.

And then her mother cleared her throat. “How...how's your cheek? It looks sore.”

Paige looked out from underneath her eyelashes, not wanting to raise her head fully to her mother. A small act of defiance. Of control. “It's fine.”

“Can I see?”

Paige blinked slowly, trying to make a decision. She sat back in the stool and raised her head, turning slightly to her right and sweeping her hair behind her left ear.

She didn't see the flicker of emotion on her mother's face as she took in the angry bruise up close for the first time. Instead she only heard the even tone that followed. “Did you put some ice on it? It looks swollen.”

“Yeah, Emily has been taking care of me,” she said turning to see how her mother would react to that. But Elizabeth didn't look away.

'That's good. I'm glad.”

Paige raised an eyebrow. She wasn't about to fall for...whatever this was. Her mother had to have an angle.

“Does Dad know you're here? Did he send you to drag me home?”

“No, he doesn't and I already told you, I'm not going to force you to come home.”

Paige shook her head a little. “It's a little difficult to believe you. Especially considering where I'm staying right now.”

Now Elizabeth looked away, her arms wrapped around herself, elbows leaning on the kitchen island. When she looked back, Paige's eyes were waiting for her own.

“This isn't easy for me, Paige,” she said, her voice smaller than her daughter had ever heard it.

“You think this is easy for me?” Paige's incredulity was barely concealed. “I'm the one that got hit by my dad and thrown out of my own house.”

“As I remember, you went willingly.” The chill was back, Paige noticed immediately – a millisecond before Elizabeth did, cursing herself for slipping back into old habits.

She sighed and ran her fingers through her long auburn hair.

“I'm sorry,” she said.

Paige wondered if she'd ever heard those words said to her by her mother before. She'd heard it said to her dad plenty but...no, never to her. It felt strange in her ears, like it didn't quite reach her brain, and her mother noticed the confusion on her face.

“I know that's hard to believe. I know I've not been the best mother to you. Not even average, in truth.”

Paige looked down and saw Elizabeth's slender fingers turning her wedding ring round and round on her finger. Her fingers went back to her own ring. It should have been comforting, somehow, but instead the symmetry felt disconcerting.

“Paige, I failed you. In pretty much every way. Your father...he's hard to go up against.”

“How would you know? You were never there,” Paige said, the edge in her voice sharp.

Elizabeth nodded. “That's fair. When you were born, I let him take the lead.”

Paige folded her arms across her chest, a look on her face that dared her mother to continue.

“This isn't going to be easy to hear and believe me it's even harder to say,” Elizabeth said, turning her gaze to the surface below her, tracing the swirl of the wood grain with her forefinger.

She raised her eyes back to her daughter. She deserved to be looking at her when she continued. “I wasn't ready to have a child when I got pregnant with you. Things were taking off at work and I couldn't slow down. Not if I wanted to be successful.”

It was only what Paige had suspected but it was still hard to hear the words from her mother's mouth. Her fingers gripped a little tighter to her arms. The muscles in her jaw tensed.

“I let your father take control. It was a compromise, I guess – he got the child he'd been craving and I got to keep my career.

“But it was a mistake.”

Paige raised her eyebrows in question. This was a part of the story she hadn't already written in her head. One she wasn't prepared for.

“Do you remember when you first started swimming out in the backyard with your father?”

Paige shrugged. “Not really. A little.”

“Do you remember how much fun you had? The two of you splashing around and laughing until your hands and feet were wrinkled and I had to call you in for dinner?”

Paige laughed grimly. “I think you're talking about some other family. Doesn't sound like the McCullers to me.”

“No, it was you two. In the beginning, that's how it was. I know it's hard to believe. And it didn't last long. Everything changed when he started to push you harder.”

“You mean when I didn't meet his expectations,” Paige said.

“Yes. And I knew what was happening. I should have stopped it.”

“Then why didn't you?” Paige's voice was angry now.

“I was afraid.”

“What about me? Don't you think I was scared of him?”

“No Paige, you don't understand. I wasn't afraid for me. I was afraid for you.”

She pushed her hair behind her ears, jutting her chin out in defiance. “Why would I believe that? You never protected me. Never stood up for me.”

 _Until yesterday_ , a little voice said in the back of her mind. But she shut it down.

“All those times you could have stepped in and you did nothing.” Her voice was trembling, tears beginning to prick at her eyes.

“But I couldn't, don't you see? I was away with work so much. If I had upset him, made him angry over you, I wouldn't have been there to take the fallout. He'd have taken it out on- ”

“Me.” Paige's voice was a whisper. Realisation, slow and creeping like an unexpected breeze on a warm summer's night, spread through her. “Did he...did he do something to you before?”

Elizabeth opened her mouth to speak but no sound came out. How could she give voice to the things Nick had done in the past? Things she'd never admitted to anyone. Barely had admitted to herself.

She nodded, that familiar loathing washing over her. “I figured if I just let him have his way, he'd leave us both alone. I couldn't be there to protect you so I just tried to appease him. Keep him on side.”

“But you knew how unhappy I was. You did know right? You had to.”

Elizabeth nodded. “But you were safe. He wasn't hurting you.”

“No. I was doing that to myself,” Paige said angrily, yanking up her top to reveal her scars to her mother, finally. Owning them, like she had never before.

Her mother recoiled, her hand over her mouth.

“Tell me you didn't know. Can you tell me that?” she said, tears falling from her eyes at last.

Her mother shook her head, her own tears now being shed.

“I can't. I can't. I suspected. That's bad enough. I should have done something. I thought it was for the best, I wouldn't have been able to keep it from him.”

She was weeping now, her hands over her eyes.

“Paige, I made so many mistakes. And I don't expect you to forgive me. I just wanted to make sure you made it to 18 intact and then get you the hell out of here.

“And the swimming...it was your ticket out of Rosewood. Ironic right? He was actually helping you escape without even realising.”

Paige brushed at her eyes roughly. “So what's changed? Why are you here now?”

“Because _he hit you_. Don't you see? It's what I've been trying to prevent all along. I knew you'd toe the line if it was just you and him. I couldn't take the risk of taking your side and putting you in danger. I just had to pray that he wouldn't break your spirit. That you'd still be there, in the end.”

Paige closed her eyes, shutting herself off from the pain even though it was inside her, screaming her name.

“I nearly wasn't.”

Elizabeth paled, her eyes automatically falling to her daughter's wrists, looking for signs.

“What do you mean?” she whispered. Scared to ask the question. Scared to get an answer.

“It wasn't just him, Mom. It was school too. I didn't have anyone. No friends. Nothing. Do you know what it's like to be the butt of the jokes every day and have no-one to talk to about it?”

“I didn't know...”

“How could you? You never asked. I could have told you how unhappy I was. I could have asked you to help. In the end I only saw one way out.”

“Paige, no. Please don't say that.”

“Why? It's the truth. I'm done with lies, with pretending. If Emily hadn't shown up when she did, we wouldn't be sitting here right now.”

Elizabeth was still crying, shaking her head over and over. Trying to ignore the words. But Paige didn't stop. She couldn't stop.

“She saved me that day. Honestly, she's saved me so many times before without even knowing. With just a smile. Or a wave in the hall. Just that tiny thing kept me going. That's how little I had and how much I wanted to be with her.

“And now...I can't imagine life without her. I won't. I love her and I'm not giving her up. I don't care what you or Dad say.”

Elizabeth looked at her daughter, her beautiful, defiant daughter and couldn't help but smile. “I knew from the moment he asked you about her that you loved her. That smile – I've known you your whole life and I've never seen you smile like that.”

Paige felt her cheeks blush but she held her mother's gaze.

“And I think it's pretty obvious by her face when you walked in here that she loves you too.”

Paige smiled then too, through the tears. It was still hard to believe. The fact of Emily Fields being in love with her. But she was trying.

“I'm not here to take you away. Not yet.”

Paige's face dropped. Anger was coursing through her again. She opened her mouth to speak but her mother cut her off. “No, don't. It's not what you think. I told you I won't ask you to go back there and I meant it.”

“Then what?” she said, her tone agitated and anxious.

“I want you to come home. With me. But I have to find a place first.”

Paige frowned, uncertain at first what she meant. “You mean...you're leaving him?”

She could scarcely dare to believe it.

Her mother nodded. “Yes. I made a promise to myself and to you that I would never let him hurt you. I wasn't able to stop it this time, but I'm damn sure I won't let him do it again.”

“But he won't let you. You know what he's like.” She was scared now. And not just for herself.

“Paige, there's something you need to understand about your father. Yes he's controlling. And he has a temper. But one thing he cares about more than anything is appearances. I'll make it very clear to him that should he do anything to stop us, everyone will know what he did.”

Paige was struggling to take it all in. Her mother's confessions, her apologies, her promise of a new life.

“Do you...do you have to go back there tonight?”

“No. I told him I have a conference that starts early tomorrow and I need to leave tonight. I'm staying in a hotel just outside of town.”

Paige nodded slowly, her brain trying to keep up with everything that was being said.

“I've spoken to Emily's parents. They've agreed to let you stay here until I've told your father and got everything in order but it's only short-term. Just a few of days. I was hoping...I was hoping you'd move into the hotel with me until we can find a place to rent.”

Paige looked at her mother. She was normally so put together. Her hair immaculate. Nails perfectly painted. Her clothes elegant and well-tailored.

Now her makeup was smeared. Her face blotchy from tears. And her eyes – they were red-rimmed and sore, yes, but there was something else there. Warmth maybe. Hope. Just a little. It rattled Paige, made her feel unsteady. She'd never been able to rely on her mother so she had no idea what it was like to try. Like jumping off a diving board and not knowing whether there was water in the pool.

But she was 17 and scared and still desperate to be loved by her mother. So she jumped.

* * *

They talked a little more, Elizabeth asking about her classes for the following day, when Paige realised she had none of the things she needed.

“I can go back, pick them up for you?” said her mother, though she could tell her tone was unsure.

“No, no it's fine. I'm sure Mr Fields will go.”

“I'm not so sure that's a good idea. I don't know where your father thinks you are, but I know how he'd react if he found out you're staying here.”

Paige nodded in agreement. “Well I guess I can borrow some clothes from Emily and then share books with someone. I don't have any assignments due tomorrow but I'll need my laptop for later in the week.”

Her mother smiled. “I can drop by tomorrow when he's at work. I know his schedule. I have to get some things for myself anyway. Is there anything else you need?”

“No just some clothes, the usual stuff, and my Sharks uniform.”

“Okay, I can do that.” Elizabeth's smile grew. It felt good, to be useful to her daughter. Finally.

They looked at each other for a moment, perhaps longer than they had since Paige was a child. Eventually Elizabeth stood up.

“Well I guess I'd better go, I'm sure the Fields are tired of hiding out in the den.”

Paige smiled. “Yeah I'm pretty sure Emily's mom and dad will have her restrained in there so she doesn't break out.”

“I'd like to get to know her. If you'd let me.” Again Elizabeth's voice was soft and nervous.

“I'd like that,” said Paige, her own tone much more welcoming than before.

They stood in front of each other awkwardly. Unsure what to do. Paige could feel her heart beating faster, her hands twitching at her sides.

In the end it was her mother that took her own leap of faith, wrapping her in a tight hug that lasted just a few seconds but left Paige speechless. She nodded and smiled as her mother said goodnight and closed the door behind her.

No sooner had she turned the lock than she heard Emily bolting down the hallway to meet her, enveloping her in a hug.

“Em, breathing...becoming an issue...”

“Oh my gosh, I'm sorry, I was just so worried. You've been out here so long. Mom and Dad wouldn't tell me anything, they said it had to come from you.”

“And it will. I promise. Everything's okay. Or at least, I think it is. But can we just sit for a little while?”

Emily nodded, setting aside her own anxiety and leading Paige to the sofa. She settled at one end, with Paige's head in her lap, her limbs stretched out, the tension slowly drifting away with every stroke of Emily's hand through her hair.

Eventually she fell asleep, Emily following along a few minutes later, Pam and Wayne covering them with a blanket as they dreamt away the day's tensions.

 


	30. Chapter 30

“And you believe her?”

Paige pondered Emily's question like she would a maths equation but the answer was far harder to determine.

“I want to,” was what she eventually settled on. “I mean, we've never had a conversation like that before. It was intense, y'know?”

Emily nodded, slowly running her fingers back and forth across Paige's forearm as they lay facing each other in bed.

“So what happens now?”

“Well she said she's going to find a place for us. She seems to be moving pretty fast. I guess we might be in a hotel for a little while before we can get somewhere permanent.”

Emily smiled. “That's not so bad. They have pools. And room service. And those cute little shampoos and lotions.”

Paige grinned. “So you're a hotel fangirl, huh?”

“Oh yeah, ever since I was a kid. I always loved the big beds and the TV in the room and the breakfast in the morning.”

Paige watched as Emily's face lit up, her eyes looking off into the distance as if watching her childhood replaying on some invisible screen.

And then it fell a little, her big brown eyes looking sadder as they returned to look at Paige.

“I'm really happy for you, you know that right?”

Paige took her hand and kissed the tips of her fingers. “Of course I do. But I'm sensing there's a but.”

Emily sighed, looking way.

“Hey,” Paige said, gently guiding her face so she was looking at her again. “You can tell me anything.”

“I just...what does this mean for us? I know it's selfish but I'm scared. What if she stops us seeing each other?”

Paige smiled. “Well I hadn't got to that part of the story yet, Miss Impatient.”

Emily rolled her eyes despite the feeling of apprehension refusing to leave her.

“She said she wants to get to know you.”

Emily's eyebrows shot up. “Really? She said that?”

“Yep. And not just that. She said she'd spoken to your parents and I can stay here for a couple more days until she's sorted things out.”

Emily squealed and wrapped her arms tightly around her girlfriend.

“Shhh, Em. I don't want your folks to think we're up to something.”

Emily's hand began to wander down Paige's side, searching for the hem of the tank top she was wearing. “Well if they're gonna think it anyway...”

Paige hummed her approval into the crook of Emily's neck. “Mmmm, your logic is so...logical,” she said, before her lips became far too occupied for any more talking.

* * *

“So? How do I look?”

Paige was standing in front of Emily's closet, nervously bouncing from one foot to the other.

Emily stopped rummaging through her jewellery on her dressing table and turned to look at her girlfriend. A grin slowly crept across her face as her eyes raked up and down the length of Paige's body.

“You look perfect,” she said, her mouth suddenly very dry.

“I don't know, these shorts are really, really...well, short. And this shirt is really tight,” she said tugging it away from her body.

“Mmhmm. It sure is,” said Emily as she moved across the room.

Reaching Paige, she stilled her hands, taking them into her own.

“Do you have any idea how hot it is seeing you in my clothes?”

“Erm...no?” Paige said, still very uncertain about the appropriateness of the outfit for school.

“Hmm, then maybe I need to show you...” Emily breathed out, pinning Paige's arms behind her back and kissing her intensely. The need to touch more of Paige's body quickly overwhelmed her and her hands released their grip and began to roam down her back, across her ass, down to the roughly cut hem of the shorts. Her thumb ran along the silky soft skin at the back of Paige's thigh just below it, causing her girlfriend to jump, pushing herself forward and pressing further into Emily.

“Ooh looks like I found a ticklish spot,” Emily said, her fingers setting to work.

Paige squealed, Emily laughing deeply at her reaction.

“Em please, we've got to get breakfast. I don't want to be late.”

Emily began peppering light kisses along her throat, making her knees go weak. “But no practice today because of the meet. So more time...”

Paige was struggling to focus, all thought of school quickly fading into the background as Emily's lips brought her desire into sharp focus.

She was about to give up – hadn't she said she'd never be able to say no to Emily? - when there was a sharp knock on the door.

They instantly sprang apart, Emily blushing profusely as her father said: “Girls, breakfast. I'm sure you've worked up an appetite. OW! Pam, what the...oh I'm just fooling around. Fine, I'm going.”

Emily turned to see Paige with her head in her hands and couldn't help but laugh. “Come on, McCullers. It's not that bad.”

“I think I'll skip breakfast. I'm suddenly not hungry.”

Prying her hands from her face, Emily admitted Paige did look a little pale but she wasn't about to let her face her parents alone.

“The famous Paige McCullers skipping breakfast? Never. You'd faint before the end of first period.”

Grabbing her hand, she said: “Come on. If either of them were worried or unhappy, they wouldn't be messing with us.”

Paige pondered this for a moment as she allowed herself to be pulled along by Emily. As they made their way out the door, the smell of bacon and waffles wafting up from the kitchen swept away her embarrassment.

“I guess I could manage a little something...”

Three rashers of bacon, two waffles and a river of maple syrup later and Wayne was shooting Paige an admiring look.

“I do love a girl who knows how to eat,” he said, rolling his eyes as Pam shot warning daggers in his direction.

Paige looked up, her cheeks tinged with pink. “Well the food is delicious. Your wife's a great cook.”

“That she is,” Wayne said, smiling at Pam. “I hope for your sake Emily's picked up a few things from her.”

Paige grinned at Emily, then said: “Actually I'd like to learn to cook myself. I've never really had much opportunity to try but I think it would be cool.”

Pam looked like all her Christmases had come at once. “Well then, we'll have to change that. How about you help me with dinner tonight?”

“I'd love that,” Paige said, glancing at Emily to check her reaction. She found her girlfriend smiling back at her with warmth. She'd never felt so content, sharing breakfast with a family, discussing the day ahead. _I wonder if I really can have this with my mom. If it's even possible._

Even though her life was still so uncertain, she wasn't approaching the future with fear. She and her mother may never have what the Fields had but they would have something. And it would be better than what went before, of that she had no doubt. _And I'll always have this._

It was a strange feeling, being that sure of something. Especially for Paige, whose life had been lived in the murky waters of uncertainty. But everything about getting to know the Fields, eating with them, laughing with them, felt like coming home.

She felt Emily's hand smoothing over her knee, breaking her out of her daydream.

“Where'd you go just then?”

“Nowhere. I was right here,” she smiled, placing her hand on top of Emily's and lacing their fingers. “Come on, we need to get going. Pretty sure someone promised me the full high school experience.”

“Indeed I did. And we have a lot to get through,” she said with a grin that had a little too much devilment in it for Paige's liking.

_What have I let myself in for._

 

* * *

The wolf whistles were high-pitched and insistent but while they reached the ears of Paige and Emily, they failed to make it into their brains. Well, at first at least.

One particularly loud four-fingered whistle, delivered right behind Emily had both of them loosening their grip on one another to slam their hands over their ears.

Emily spun round to see who the culprit was, only to discover one Hanna Marin looking exceedingly pleased with herself.

“Jeez guys, get a room already.”

“We already have one,” Emily said, meeting Hanna's sass with some of her own, watching with amusement as Paige's blush deepened by several shades.

“Then why the PDA? I mean, not that I'm complaining. It's certainly shaken things up round here.”

“We've got some lost time to make up for. Key high school rites of passage to cross off before the end of senior year.”

“And apparently that includes making out in the halls,” said Paige.

“Didn't look like you were doing much complaining,” Hanna said with a grin.

“Fair point,” Paige said with a laugh.

And, of course, she hadn't been. A second without her own lips on Emily's was a second too long. When they were together, they needed to be touching in some way, however small. Holding hands, bumping knees as they sat or shoulders as they walked. That touchstone of reassurance, of connection.

But now they had to go their separate ways until lunch.

Paige took Emily's hands, smiling broadly. “So I guess I'll see you later? Jenkins, fourth period?”

Emily's brow furrowed. “What about lunch?”

Paige was suddenly extremely interested in her shoes. “I wasn't sure...you have your friends,” she said, looking over at Hanna, who was busy texting furiously. “Oh please Paige, you're one of us now, no escape,” she said, without looking up.

Emily squeezed Paige's hands in her own. “I'm sorry, I didn't realise I needed to say it, I just assumed you'd know. Of course I want to see you at lunch.”

Paige let out an exaggerated puff of air. “Phew, thank god. I didn't know how I was gonna get through the day.”

“Morning classes are going to be hard enough,” said Emily, stepping closer and kissing Paige again as the bell rang.

“Okay, okay, break it up. I'm all for supporting equal rights for making out in the halls but not when it means I might get detention. We gotta go, Em.”

The couple reluctantly pulled apart. “See you at lunch,” Emily said.

“Can't wait,” Paige grinned.

* * *

Stepping into the cafeteria, Paige grabbed a tray and took her place in line. She could see a few students nudging each other and pointing in her direction. Normally it would be the consequence of another run-in with Ali. The whispers would be about how humiliated she'd been, what a loser she was.

But today she knew it was about her very public coming out with Emily. They'd talked about it first of course, before they left for school. It was new territory for both of them and each wanted to be sure they weren't about to take a step the other would be uncomfortable with.

“ _You're sure? This is a big deal, Paige. Once we do this, there's no going back.”_

“ _I know. It's weird...this has been my biggest fear since I accepted how I felt about you. That someone would find out.”_

“ _Yeah, I can totally relate. I felt the same once I realised I liked girls.”_

“ _But it feels different now,” said Paige. “I guess my parents knowing was my biggest fear and now...it's like the opposite. Now I feel like I want everyone to know because I am so proud to be with you, Em._

“ _If you're not there yet, though, I can wait.”_

“ _Oh I'm there. I can't believe I got so lucky and I don't give a damn what anyone thinks. No-one else matters.”_

Standing in line, Paige was happy to realise the reality of coming out to the school hadn't changed her opinion. She felt emboldened, like Emily's love was a shield protecting her from anything life could throw at her.

Including Alison DiLaurentis, who was heading right for her like a missile locked on a target.

She stood a little taller, setting her jaw and gripping her tray tight. Alison's smile was anything but friendly as she stopped in front of her. “I hear you and Emily put on quite the show this morning.”

Paige didn't speak. Merely raised an eyebrow in question.

“Nice bruise by the way. I guess Daddy didn't take too kindly to finding out you'd been hanging around with a dyke. I wonder what he'll do when he hears about this latest development.”

Paige smiled then. It wasn't a smug smile, the kind which Alison would have if she found herself in this position of power.

It was a smile of pure joy. Of knowing all those fears you'd harboured for so long had been wiped away.

“Actually I don't think that's going to be a problem. He already knows about me and Emily. In fact, I guess I should thank you. If you hadn't put on your little show, I wouldn't be living at Em's right now.”

The realisation creeping over Alison's face was glorious to watch. Paige couldn't look away, it was too delicious.

She saw pretty quickly there were other people in the line who were enjoying it just as much as she was.

And so did Alison. The sneer on her face removed all beauty from it, making her as ugly as her soul was in that moment.

“This isn't the end, Pigskin,” she said. Try as she might though, she couldn't find the intimidation she'd been used to. There was a waver in her voice, an uncertainty. And it was noticed.

Paige smiled again. “Oh I think it is. For you at least.”

All that was left was for her to flounce away, her stature dwindling with every step.

* * *

The rest of the time in line was something of a revelation for Paige. Swim team members waved in her direction as they walked past. Students from her various classes threw a “hey” in her direction. Even people she was pretty sure she'd never spoken to were smiling at her.

Once she'd got her lunch, she turned to face the cafeteria. She looked over at her usual spot. At the margins. Now she was heading for the centre, for the spotlight. And she wasn't hiding.

Walking up to Emily's table, she was met with grins from all four girls.

“Prepare yourselves, girls. It's about to get hot and heavy,” said Hanna, picking up her phone and snapping pictures like the paparazzi.

“Hanna come on, we're not that bad.”

“Not what I heard,” said Spencer. “You two have got the whole school talking.”

“Let them talk,” said Emily, grabbing Paige's collar and kissing her, hard.

“See? I told you!” Hanna said, snapping away once again. “My Instagram is gonna be lit.”

“Hanna, don't you dare,” Emily said, breaking away from Paige mid-kiss and leaving her staring dreamily into the distance.

Hanna rolled her eyes. “What if I just don't tag you?”

Emily's glare was all the answer she needed. “Fine,” she said dramatically.

Aria had stayed quiet, having taken in Paige's interactions since she'd entered the cafeteria.

“I don't think that's all people are talking about,” she said. “Paige seems to be pretty popular in her own right at the minute.”

Paige's eyes were questioning until she realised what Aria was referring to.

“Oh that. I just told Alison- ”

“She spoke to you? What did she say? Where is she?”

Emily was half out of her seat before Paige got her hand on her arm and tugged her back down.

“Hey, hey, it's ok. She's got no power over us anymore, Em. And she didn't seem too happy when I explained that to her.”

“Way to go, Paige!” Hanna said, clapping enthusiastically.

“Well played, McCullers,” Spencer said, raising her drink in Paige's direction as Aria smiled along.

Emily placed her hand on Paige's cheek and stroked it gently. “You did that?” she said softly.

“I guess I did,” she said, smiling and taking Emily's hand, placing a gentle kiss on her palm.

“Wow,” Emily said. “No wonder everyone is looking at you like you're a hero.”

Paige dipped her head, momentarily overwhelmed by the intensity in Emily's eyes.

When she raised her head again, Emily's lips were crashing into hers in a flash.

“Here we go again,” Hanna said, grabbing her phone and opening Snapchat.

This time, Emily was far too preoccupied to care.

* * *

“I don't know how you can eat that,” Emily said, as she watched Paige's tongue going to work on a cherry, chocolate and chilli double scoop cone from the ice-cream shop they'd hit after school.

“Are you kidding me? This is a taste sensation!” she said. “Anyway, you can talk. Vanilla? Seriously?”

“It's a classic,” Emily said matter-of-factly, swinging their joined hands as they walked.

“You mean boring,” Paige laughed.

“Boring huh?” Emily stopped, Paige coming to an abrupt halt too, pulled back by Emily's unmoving hand.

“That's what I said, Fields,” she grinned.

“Hmm. Well then maybe I shouldn't eat it. Maybe I should find something else to do with it...”

Before Paige had time to react, Emily had swiped her ice-cream over her nose, watching as it dripped down on to her chin.

She held her breath as Paige slowly licked the ice-cream from her lips then wiped her hand across the rest.

Quirking one eyebrow, she said: “Really Em? That's the best you've got? I told you vanilla was boring.”

She was about to turn on her heels and make a run for it but Paige was too fast for her. Pinning her free hand behind her back, she dabbed her ice-cream onto her nose, her chin and then streaked it down her chest which was perfectly exposed by the low-cut tank top she was wearing. Stopping at her breasts, her eyes followed as it dripped downwards.

Emily was breathing hard as Paige leaned forward and whispered: “You sure you don't like my ice-cream, Em?”

She looked up at her, eyes dark with want. The air around them suddenly crackling with desire.

“Home. Now.” 

 


End file.
